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INFJ and ISTP

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Lilchamor, Sep 27, 2009.

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  1. Lilchamor

    Lilchamor Regular Poster

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    I recently found out that my fiance is an ISTP, which, I must admit, surprises me greatly. We get along and understand each other so well that I can't believe we're so different, personality wise.

    Opinions? What are your experiences with ISTPs?
     
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  2. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    Basically, the consensus on this forum, as far as I can tell, is that INFJ + ISTP = good, and INFJ + ISTJ = not good.

    So it isn't surprising. I get along with ISTP's well too. Supposedly, INFJ's and ISTP's come to the same conclusions on issues, but they use different methods to arrive at those conclusions.
     
  3. Zero Angel

    Zero Angel Permanent Fixture

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    I believe they must also be eradicated in order to make room for the INFJ master race.

    (seriously, i get along above-average with ISTPs)
     
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  4. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    Look at my power and how much they love me....then ask if INFJs and ISTPs are a great match.
     
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  5. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    INFJs and ISTPs are essentially the same cognitive function type.

    We share the same cognitive functions: Ni, Ti, Fe, and Se.

    INFJs start with Ni then Fe then Ti then Se.
    ISTPs start with Ti then Se then Ni then Fe.

    We have the same introversion and extroversion pattern, and our strengths are each others' areas of inspiration. It's a very good match once you can learn to admire each others' perspective. In many ways, I think it is one of the best matches for INFJs.

    My ISTP friend and I often refer to our thought processes as jousting. We come to the same points from opposite ends and meet in the middle, helping each other understand the part we've already traveled. We're a great help to each others' growth.
     
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    #5 VH, Sep 27, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2009
  6. myst

    myst Community Member

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    i'm surprised. I'm not doing well in my relationship w an ISTP. He's very very T. Very everything except S. Our T F difference seems difficult.
     
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  7. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    my bf is ISTP and we find it difficult in the sense that he seems to lack natural empathy and is extremely logical...

    he cannot seem to accept that my values and sensitivities r real and valid because to him, they don't make sense in a logical stand point... I feel shut down because of this and feel it isn't fair. I am sensitive and so is he but only with his own values and feelings but not with anything else he can Not relate to which causes me to view him as selfish.

    his own emotions r extremely powerful as are mine, so we bond in this sense as we both display depth for our own characters, plus there is and always has been, an unmatched chemistry that we have never before experienced with any other partners before. He knows how to love deeply and that is important to me, and obviousely I return it, but there r blocks that I face with him for his own natural sense of logic that strike me as cold and uncaring for the world around him and I feel sad about it as for me, trying to help people is an unescapible need which will always be there and I am content with that, just that with him, I feel I am in it alone regarding human compassion...
     
  8. myst

    myst Community Member

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    Yeah, a lot of what you said is similar with me and my bf. He is very logical and doesn't pay attention to issues that seem to me to be very important to talk about. One example is that I had a meeting with my boss and I had told bf several times ahead that I was afraid I was going to get laid off. He forgot to ask me about it afterwards. Even if he does remember to ask me about things, he wants to talk about it a LOT less than I do. When someone doesn't seem interested, I shut down and don't talk. Eventually when things get too detached, I get upset, and he says he can't "figure out" how to keep from upsetting me. We've almost ended the relationship a few times, but he has been the one who didn't want to. I'm not hard to pursuade; I hate ending relationships. I can tell he cares in some sense because he wants to stay together, I 'm just not quite sure what caring is for him because he's so emotionally detached.

    Some of the things we have in common are atheism and similar political views, which might support what Dragon said above, "Supposedly, INFJ's and ISTP's come to the same conclusions on issues". My bf does care about social issues and he even organizes a group of volunteers who fix stuff for poor kids (something tells me he might be just a little more focused on the fixing part than the kids, but that's ok:)
     
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  9. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    Wow!! I can totally relate to everything u said, especially about the 'forgetting' to ask about something important to me like yr meeting with yr boss... When we experience things like this between us and I get mad at him for it, he just gets defensive... lotsa fun. So ya, I understand how u feel, logic never outweighs emotion tho in my mind, because to me, emotion is part of energy and feeling and that is deeper than thought and fact etc. as they can often dismiss a part of yr being connected to yr soul. So ya, being as we r with these ISTP's I'm sure we share that same loneliness and feelings of being unimportant and invisable at times... :hug:
     
  10. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    The main problem is the different between Ti and Fe. For ISTPs, Fe is the last of their main functions. Many that are less developed tend to have difficulties understanding or feeling comfortable with emotions. A well-balanced IxTP type does not have as much difficulty with this and are much easier for us to get along with in a relationship sense.
     
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  11. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I'm workin' on him... its kinda hard with both he and I being 38, it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks ;)

    however, I am aware that it's often up to me to take the conversation steering wheel into my own hands and try and guage him with my intuition and ability to 'feel' him so that I can get the best results with him as my partner. It's hard tho to do this sometimes when I am dealing with my own emotions, and I have been developing the ability to manage mine so that I can maintain empathy for him... I have seen him doing the same for me too so this gives me hope. Communication is hard with us sometimes, and a wise man once told me, that if u can b in a relationship, then u can b anywhere... I took this as it is the same for anyone of any type in a relationship... they just take work and a lot of love and commitment, and we can learn so much about ourselves and our partners when try together. But together is the key, and a willingness to both eaqually make that effort.

    We were together for 2 yrs, broke up for 3 months and then we have been back together now for just over a month and even tho it's just been a short time back, I can see the benefits of that time apart for him mainly, as it was me who ended it in all it's finalitly in the end and as it was me that agreed to take him back again at the end of august. (wow that was wordy, sorry!)
     
    #11 Ria, Sep 30, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2009
  12. myst

    myst Community Member

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    Thanks Ria! Yeah, I need a virtual hug. It took me a while to find this icon, but :hug: (Hope that works)
    Yeah, my bf gets defensive too, and then I get defensive, and things just get worse. It's nice to hear things are getting better in your relationship. I'm constantly torn between my feminist voice that says I am being unrealistic by hoping to change him instead of moving on, and my other voice that says stuff along the lines of what you were saying about the value of commitment, etc. I agree with you too, that logic never outweighs emotion. To me, logic and feelings are so intertwined, it usually doesn't even make sense to differentiate them.

    I just read this on wikipedia about istps and it made me laugh "Their occasionally tunnel-visioned curiosity for the world around them gives them a "leap before you look" tendency. They are notorious for taking apart a device to see how it works before considering whether they can put it back together." That's him ;) He is responsible about it though.

    I hope things keep getting better with your relationship, Ria.
     
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  13. OP
    Lilchamor

    Lilchamor Regular Poster

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    To Myst and Ria:

    I'm really sorry that you guys are having a hard time with your ISTPs, although I agree about the value of commitment. :) I don't really have quite the same problem with my dear ISTP, although he does wonder sometimes why I'm always so "critical" of things, which I guess, is my J against his P? As far as emotions go, I'm usually the logical one. He seems to have the problem of having a lot of emotions and not really knowing what to do with them, while I seem better at channeling and using emotion...does that make any sense?
     
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  14. myst

    myst Community Member

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    I think what you said about you being the logical one w emotions makes sense... I'd be interested if you want to share an example of it and then I might understand better.

    My bf says I'm critical too, especially of people. It's funny because to me, he seems more critical and I probably haven't understood what he meant too well.

    I think his critical-ness may be expressing his logical ideas (his T) without considering people's feelings too much. I think he doesn't usually realize this can come across as critical. He often says he doesn't mind if people tell him he's wrong (like about a logical computer problem) and he gets surprised when other people get upset if he says they're wrong. He has had some trouble at work with it and so he has told me he tries to be very diplomatic now. I think I have to try to understand that he doesn't mean to be critical sometimes even though what he says would sound critical to other people. Sometimes I think I can do this but sometimes I have a hard time accepting that he doesn't consider people's feelings much.

    Times he's said I'm critical recently are when I said I didn't like two different salespeople. I didn't mean this very strongly when I said it. Since they are just salespeople who won't know or care what I say, I didn't think it mattered much. One of the salespeople was in a bike shop and I thought he didn't give me very good help. I'm not very knowledgeable about bikes (though not clueless) and so I tend to expect the salesperson to make some effort to explain what you need to know to pick a bike in a way that I can understand. At some other bike shops the salespeople were better at that. But twice when I had gone into this bike shop the sales people didn't make much effort to explain anything (once the person was watching TV). This bike shop is popular and has a good reputation, so I guess at least someone there is knowledgable, but they weren't big on helpfulness the two times I asked about a bike.

    Anyway, my bf is bringing this up as an example of something I do in more important situations. I guess that if I'm thinking about feelings and he's not, it could seem unpredictable when I express negative feelings about my perception of someone else's lack of sensitivity, or something like that. I guess I've been thinking of it as an F T thing. Maybe it's P J too. I've been confused about the difference between F, T and P, J because somewhere I read that F or T are the way people make jugements, as opposed to S or N being the way people take information in. I wonder if F and T are about immediate judements, kind of like understanding basic facts, and P and J are a little more long term jugements. Hmmm, I dunno.

    I'm thinking about what you said about your bf having a lot of emotions he doesn't know what to do with. I wonder if my bf has this, but I can't really tell. I try not to assume people have feelings just because I would have feelings in the same situation. But maybe I should try harder to look for his feelings.

    He just called me and was in too much of a hurry to get off the phone for me, as usual :sad:

    I'm curious how strongly expressed other ISTP's T's or P's are, if you all don't mind me asking? Or how strong the F or J's are for ISTP's partners?
     
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  15. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    Yes I value commitment so much too. When I critisize things or people, sometimes he doesn't join in and support me on my 'feelings' as this is where my judgement came from in the first place. Sometimes he says nothing at all, and I feel ignored or invalidated and just plain invisable. Or other times, he just plays devil's advocate and it turns into an unempathetic debate. I comment on this and he just gets frustrated as to why I need to know what he thinks at all, when all I am looking for is support in the sense that we are a team and can have a discussion about interperatations and emotions. To me that is logical enough in itself and I think that most people would just agree with me, ... but maybe not? ;)

    He has strong emotions and displays them in his own way, often in a moody way either that or in a very enthusiastic way, but it is usually based on something about himself or his own experience. He finds it difficult to share in my own expressions because it isn't happening to him, therefore he can't relate. If I weren't a feeling type, I might not feel too bothered by this aspect about him, and just view him as a boring selfish dork! lol... However, I do see emotions from him sometimes although he keeps them very deeply to himself and I understand this about him. He is uncomfortable with his feelings for the most part because he is often afraid off them and can feel quite negative about himself and his worth. I know that often times he needs me for support because he knows that I express my love for him by dispalying support. I ask about his feelings, about his day, about his thoughts etc. and I have caring comments to give him to try and build him up.

    I often feel like it is a one way street. I often feel like he is with me because I am so good to him. I often feel like he is with me because I have a side of myself that he doesn't think he has, and that I complete him. I don't like this feeling from him that I mentioned because I want to feel like I am complimenting him, rather than completing him, and I am aware of the fact that I am with him because I do see the sides of him that he can't see yet. I hope to see him come to terms with his own pains in his lifetime that he has had to endure, and to see him develope better communication skills for himself so that he can feel better about himself and in his relationships.

    Above all though, I know that somehow deep down, there is a lot of care and love for eachother. There is mutual commitment and a willingness to work things out as they come up, even if we often hit walls due to poor communication because of defensivness from emotions. We get there in the end... it would hurt less if we didn't have to find ourselves there as often as we do though because it would lift so much weight off both of us.
     
    #15 Ria, Oct 5, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2009
  16. GaiaGraha

    GaiaGraha Community Member

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    Recently became good friends with an ISTP, and I am really AMAZED at how well we get along and HOW MUCH WE AGREE ON THINGS!!!! I thought that it was gonna be a disaster, but we just work really well. I mean, sometimes things seem a litttle...off in communication, think it's the NF vs ST thing, but still, quite good. We make each other laugh, and we talk or hang out for HOURS on end, and never get bored. It's AWESOME!!!!
    I <3 ISTPs hehehe
    :m015:
     
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  17. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    ISTPs are the bomb-dig.

    It's surprising that I like them considering thinking dominant people can be brutal and obnoxious, and that they have "Se". Se o__O

    But nah, they are the fun thinkers.
     
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  18. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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  19. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    Not gonna lie, I use those expressions a lot.
     
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  20. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    I...am bumping this thread, mainly because my brother's an ISTP and I need more insights about ISTP. Any more insights of ISTP? What ticks them off about us, and what ticks us off about them?
     
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