Incapable of love?

[Peekachoo]

This has been an issue that has stuck on my mind for months.

tl;dr: Getting things off my chest, Questions, and I am a INFJ while boyfriend is a ISTP.

I've been told before that I appear to be "incapable of loving my partner" when it comes to being in a relationship. It has been so far one of the most painful things to hear. I feel overly self-conscious about that ... Like, how is someone incapable of loving when they know they've always truly loved that person? I’ve been directly asked if I know how to describe what love feels like … Then, that’s when when the typical INFJ “cannot compute, cannot generate response” comes into play. I know how love feels like, of course, but I can’t express it how I would want to express it … I mean, I thought I’ve always provided my love for others like every other normal person. My best friend has told me that I don’t express it too well and that I’m very awkward about it. Though, the thing with her is that she has always been so accepting and understanding that she’ll always assure me that it’s ok to be myself. She makes sure to let me know that she is very well aware that I love her. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case for my boyfriend. He’s convinced that I don’t love him how I’m suppose to love someone normally. He questions all of the time whether or not I do love him. Apparently, I do not express it enough or express it "correctly" (to this day I don't know what 'correctly' is suppose to refer to) and I'm being jeopardized for being an "awkward" lover. One of the first prime examples was my lack of cuddling.

I’ve always felt that I am naturally loving and caring. I’m overly emotional as well. Just by hearing that I am awkward when it comes to love had me instantly in tears.

Anywho, anyone feel like just making a public service announcement on your Facebook and telling the world something along the lines like, ‘I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it”? but you know, “I’m said personality type, take the time to read this article all about it and please take it seriously.”

Anyone feel flustered at the lack of expression you have as an INFJ or any other personally type that adheres within that issue? I honestly wouldn’t have known that I was this way until my boyfriend and best friend decided to bring it up.

My boyfriend knows that I am an INFJ (he’s an ISTP) but if I ever were to tell him to just keep reading up on INFJ’s he’d probably dismiss me as being too obsessed with the whole personality type scene. (I do get easily obsessive over things. lol)​

 

[Scientia]

It is a bit unclear to me what question you are asking. Have I ever been told I don't love correctly? No.

If I had been told that as you were, I would probably say, "I love you deeply and show it the way I know how. If that isn't correct for you, or you doubt that I love you because I don't cuddle enough or show it the same way you do, maybe we should rethink this relationship. Or maybe you can stop being the love police and we can go back to enjoying each other."

Shy people can be direct sometimes, when we have to be.

 

[Peekachoo]

Yeah, you're right that's what I wanted to ask. I wanted to see if anyone else has ever experienced anything similar.
I have told him a similar response to yours but, deep down I would secretly question if something was wrong with me.

Overall, I have never found anything wrong with how I've handled affection prior to speaking with my boyfriend and best friend.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Hmmm I dont think I can love in an obviously emotional way personally. I have tried to show more "feelings" but it is honestly awkward because I attempt to amplify it.

When I first arrived here I was seriously doubting my ability to love at all but have since realized thats not true. Generally if I think of people I know as being gone and I feel sad and lost...its appropriate for me to recognize I must feel love.

 

[Peekachoo]

I must definitely agree in my case as well when it comes to amplifying your feelings more. D:

It comes off as somewhat unnatural. I was that person that tried to, I guess "show more" than I was capable of showing.
It really didn't feel right.

 

[Chalti]

I've been in a few relationships, and most of the time these relationships have ended because of my lack of affection and how emotionally detached I am. I have been in love with most of the people I have dated, but showing affection is difficult for me because I fear being completely vulnerable. Instead, I would do little things that would show that I would be faithful and that I'd be by their side. The thing, though, is that it's up to the person to feel whether or not these actions are considered appropriate affection. My exes have kept asking for more which I was terrified of giving. I was uncomfortable with being too emotional with them which is why they weren't able to see my 'loving side' - although it's not like it's their fault.

 

[Erlian]

No problem at all at showing affection. Actually I've chased away a girl or two by giving too much.
Spontaneous compliments, cuddles, willingness to give up stuff for her.

I don't think it's necessarily related to the INFJ type and I would look for answers somewhere else too.
A part of you is INFJ, but there are many other parts not related to MBTI types. They're still you and you can still explain them to others. You can still tell your boyfriend that you do love him a lot, but are unaware that you apparently don't show love enough.
Ask yourself in what way you show love. Tell your boyfriend. He'll be able to know what your actions mean and that the lack of certain other actions don't mean you don't love him.

 

[Peekachoo]

No problem at all at showing affection. Actually I've chased away a girl or two by giving too much.
Spontaneous compliments, cuddles, willingness to give up stuff for her.

I don't think it's necessarily related to the INFJ type and I would look for answers somewhere else too.
A part of you is INFJ, but there are many other parts not related to MBTI types. They're still you and you can still explain them to others. You can still tell your boyfriend that you do love him a lot, but are unaware that you apparently don't show love enough.
Ask yourself in what way you show love. Tell your boyfriend. He'll be able to know what your actions mean and that the lack of certain other actions don't mean you don't love him.

Thanks I'll have to actually think about how I show affection in my own way. I somewhat have done that before. Though, I used to grow easily frustrated and gave up on the idea of figuring out certain things about myself. That probably leads to a deeper issue that I'm not addressing.

 

[Erlian]

Thanks I'll have to actually think about how I show affection in my own way. I somewhat have done that before. Though, I used to grow easily frustrated and gave up on the idea of figuring out certain things about myself. That probably leads to a deeper issue that I'm not addressing.

If you don't like or have a hard time figuring yourself out, ask others that are close to you. Although others will never understand you as you understand yourself, they can give you valuable insights and possibly understand some parts about you that you don't know about yourself.
Ask your best friend. She assured you that she's well aware that you love her. How does she know this? Clearly you show love in some way.

 

[Peekachoo]

If you don't like or have a hard time figuring yourself out, ask others that are close to you. Although others will never understand you as you understand yourself, they can give you valuable insights and possibly understand some parts about you that you don't know about yourself.
Ask your best friend. She assured you that she's well aware that you love her. How does she know this? Clearly you show love in some way.

I could do that actually ... I'll make sure to have a talk with her about this as soon as the chance comes up.