I was vulnerable with him and he claimes I am putting pressure | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

I was vulnerable with him and he claimes I am putting pressure

Eventhorizon said:
The same word can have different definitions depending on who you ask. "Emotionally available" I can guarantee you means something completely different to women than it does men.
Just because he agreed he wants that doesn't mean that he knows what it means to you.
Just as food for thought.
Click to expand...

I think most men know very well what being emotionally available means. Some men are simply incapable of providing that though, for whatever reason. This is often why women leave them. My experience with these types has been that if they are emotionally available with me, they've been emotionally available with other women they've dated/had relationships with. The worst part is that many of them are unwilling to work on themselves and become more emotionally available....unless there is a big tragedy in their family which forces them out of their comfort zone.
 
Artemisia said:
I think most men know very well what being emotionally available means. Some men are simply incapable of providing that though, for whatever reason. This is often why women leave them. My experience with these types has been that if they are emotionally available with me, they've been emotionally available with other women they've dated/had relationships with. The worst part is that many of them are unwilling to work on themselves and become more emotionally available....unless there is a big tragedy in their family which forces them out of their comfort zone.
Click to expand...

I dont. Put it into your own words.
 
The subject line almost made me do a 180.
 
Not equipped to handle emotional displays.
 
Well, guess who called me three days after he was removed from Facebook! I did not answer but I do wonder why it took him a week to reply to my very emotional text.
 
Artemisia said:
Well, guess who called me three days after he was removed from Facebook! I did not answer but I do wonder why it took him a week to reply to my very emotional text.
Click to expand...

Is it worth wondering about?
 
Artemisia said:
Ummm, yes, because I've seen this happen with a few men in my past.
Click to expand...

Has trying to transform fwb relationships into emotionally charged meaningful ones also been a pattern for you? Maybe you want to reassess something in your approach, the kind of men you become involved with and how your expectations of relationships you're in differs from your partner's expectations ie are you prone to having disparity in how you define the relationship? Do you rely too much on unspoken parameters? Do you try to escalate a relationship into a different set of parameters contrary to what your partner believes them to be, thus blind sighting them?
 
Last edited:
Peppermint said:
Has trying to transform fwb relationships into emotionally charged meaningful ones also been a patter for you? Maybe you want to reassess something in your approach, the kind of men you become involved with and how your expectations of relationships you're in differs from your partner's expectations ie are you prone to having disparity in how you define the relationship? Do you rely too much on unspoken parameters? Do you try to escalate a relationship into a different set of parameters contrary to what your partner believes them to be, thus blind sighting them?
Click to expand...

This still does not explain why they come back after a break up.....and with this guy it is not for sex either.
 
Artemisia said:
Ummm, yes, because I've seen this happen with a few men in my past.
Click to expand...

Artemisia said:
This still does not explain why they come back after a break up.....and with this guy it is not for sex either.
Click to expand...

Have you ever asked them? Not in a holding their feet to the fire type of way, but a "what was it about me that drove you to xxxx and what is it about me that makes you want to come back"
 
Artemisia said:
The thing is that only a week ago he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. Then he got upset when I told him I didn't feel like he was really into me and started saying that no woman ever tells him what to do and he hates the fact that I am telling him how he feels. Two days ago he said he was frightened by the whole thing.

I just don't get it. Is this guy emotionally unavailable (he didn't seem this way) or is he simply terrified of being with a woman? If the former, why not just say it? The previous guy I dated was very honest with his unavailability and told me to not waste my time with him. I respected him for being upfront and we are still friends.
The thing is that the guy I am currently dating and I have been friends (albeit mostly long distance) for over 8 years. It would be interesting to see if my emotional message does in fact illicit an answer from him (my mom claims that he is probably ashamed of himself).
At this point I am considering dropping him as a friend as well.
Click to expand...

If I told someone that I loved them and they told me that I didn't really seem into them, I would be agitated. You ask "is he simply terrified of being with a woman?...why not just say it?". But in the paragraph before that, you told us, "he said he was frightened by the whole thing." Therefore, he did 'just say it.' You're hearing him but you're not listening to him.

And maybe you are pressuring him. It would all depend on what you wrote in those emotional texts/emails. From reading your past threads, I get the sense that you are an 'all or nothing' type of girl and can flip your switch without notice. The sudden intensity of your ON mode could have been too much for him all at once. Most people (no matter how much they care for someone) would prefer to gradually work their way into becoming an item. When he talked about living together in the future and spending more time together, he probably meant eventually and over time. You 'warming up' was probably like going from cold to hot and he was overwhelmed.

Either way, calling him 'emotionally abusive' is a bit extreme. He said 'I love you' and you basically called him a liar, even though that's what you wanted to hear from him. He is not the one sounding emotionally abusive there.

Anyway, the way I see it, men always seem to disappoint you, therefore, this is what you expect so you look for reasons to prove this point. Dont you see? There is no way he could possibly win.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: just me and SpecialEdition
Just make him disappear, entirely. If you can't achieve that, then you dissapear from his life. Either way, you both need to find your separate ways coz the way this story unfold is just going to lead to more drama, so unless you want unnecessary drama in your life I'd advice you cut him out, entirely. I mean, things like this are usually done sooner better than later.
 
Anywhere But Here said:
The sudden intensity of your ON mode could have been too much for him all at once. Most people (no matter how much they care for someone) would prefer to gradually work their way into becoming an item. When he talked about living together in the future and spending more time together, he probably meant eventually and over time. You 'warming up' was probably like going from cold to hot and he was overwhelmed.
Click to expand...

Overwhelmed indeed. He even said so. The question is how to get him to stop being like this. It is weird because he said he liked my nationality because he loves the dramatic personality.....so much passion.
 
Update: we have made up again and I added him again as a friend on FB. He was hot for three days and now seems to be ignoring my desire to speak with him on Skype rather than through FB chat. If he knows that I will not be on FB for a while from now on (I said so), why will he not set up a Skype account? I asked him to call me yesterday and he did not.

I guess I should have listened to my intuition the first time around. This guy isn't good enough to have even as a friend, let alone a lover. Fair weather friend.
 
Artemisia said:
Update: we have made up again and I added him again as a friend on FB. He was hot for three days and now seems to be ignoring my desire to speak with him on Skype rather than through FB chat. If he knows that I will not be on FB for a while from now on (I said so), why will he not set up a Skype account? I asked him to call me yesterday and he did not.

I guess I should have listened to my intuition the first time around. This guy isn't good enough to have even as a friend, let alone a lover. Fair weather friend.
Click to expand...

Perhaps he doesn't wish to be smothered. He might want an 'other', who has an emotional give/need balance similar to his own.

It sounds as though he wasn't nearly as put off by your unresponsiveness, as you were to his. But he was put off by your emotional expectations, which probably indicates that he is more compatible with less emotionally needy individuals.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
Perhaps he doesn't wish to be smothered. He might want an 'other', who has an emotional give/need balance similar to his own.

It sounds as though he wasn't nearly as put off by your unresponsiveness, as you were to his. But he was put off by your emotional expectations, which probably indicates that he is more compatible with less emotionally needy individuals.
Click to expand...

Yes, I feel like he is unreliable and just all over the place. Just another reason to trust my intuition and initial gut feeling I suppose.
A pity because he's been my friend for years. While it will take a bit of time to get rid of him in my thoughts, it will be yet another experience which will teach me what I do not need in a relationship.
 
If I were him I would feel emotionally manipulated and controlled by your actions and statements you have made. You pretty much indicated 'after he told you he loved you' that he had to act a certain way now and meet your new expectations that did not exist previously and that if he fails he will not only lose you as a girlfriend but as even a friend and that you would completely cut him from your life.
 
Grayman said:
If I were him I would feel emotionally manipulated and controlled by your actions and statements you have made. You pretty much indicated 'after he told you he loved you' that he had to act a certain way now and meet your new expectations that did not exist previously and that if he fails he will not only lose you as a girlfriend but as even a friend and that you would completely cut him from your life.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I said those things because in my gut, I was feeling that he was emotionally unreliable. If a man doesn't respond when you open up and are very vulnerable, it can only mean one thing to a woman. So that's why I decided to let him go emotionally. I may still keep him as a friend, but it will not be the same.
 
Im going to have to remember this. Taken off facebook...means I am dead to whomever. Placed back into facebook, I have been resurrected.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back