I was vulnerable with him and he claimes I am putting pressure | INFJ Forum

I was vulnerable with him and he claimes I am putting pressure

Artemisia

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May 20, 2014
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The story is that I have been friends with this guy (we are both in our early 30s) and a month ago we went on vacation together and hooked up. We had a great time and afterwords he talked of use living together and spending more time. Initially, I was reluctant but as the weeks passed, I warmed up to the idea. Just last week, I was vulnerable with him over chat, told him how difficult my situation with my parents (one died, one is ill) has been and everything that has happened to me these past three years.

I also told him that I want an emotional connection with him and like him more and more. All in all, I was very open emotionally with him and very vulnerable. Just a few days ago, he made a 180 degree turn and said that I was putting pressure on him (after I mentioned that he didn't seem very responsive). I sent him another emotional text and he has not replied in two days.

My gut tells me that this guy may be emotionally abusive but I would want to think otherwise. Either that or he is not equipped to handle emotional displays. Perhaps I am overreacting. What do you think? Should i dump him now? I told him last week that I would dump him since he didn't seem emotionally responsive and he begged me not to drop him like that.
 
Sounds immature to me. Even non emotional types are fully capable of responding to an 'emotional display' in their own way in a respectable/caring/timely manner. If they want to.

He is either who you need in your life as a partner or not and you either are willing to accept him exactly how he is or you are not. It sounds like you know already which answer is right for the questions you asked.
 
Go with your gut instinct no matter how much you may have enjoyed the potential with the guy. For the simple fact that if you do pursue it; you will be stuck in his emotional loop hole - being there and disappearing when he is needed. It is not worth it if you already know you need someone emotionally reliable. It sounds like this is a red flag - red flags need to be looked into. Do not adopt an attitude that he will change or you may influence him to change. He could have reasons for emotionally dropping on you; but that's not really your problem at this point. It's not your job to try to "understand" his reasons - all you need to focus on is what you need from the connection. This allows you to attract a partner that is on your level instead of trying to babysit someone who is not up to par.
 
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Is this vulnerability between you new? It may be that going into this and hooking up he was expecting things to continue without much emotional depth. If you opened up to him about things that were going on and he backed off he may not have known how to handle this new dynamic in the friendship and now feels pressured to reciprocate emotions that just may not be there. I would not label it abusive necessarily even if the way that he is handling this is less than ideal.

I don't think you can chase him down and get anything out of him because it seems there is nothing else he wants to give. If your needs in the friendship are no longer satisfied or you cannot be content going back to how things were, then he is no longer the friend for you.
 
The thing is that only a week ago he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. Then he got upset when I told him I didn't feel like he was really into me and started saying that no woman ever tells him what to do and he hates the fact that I am telling him how he feels. Two days ago he said he was frightened by the whole thing.

I just don't get it. Is this guy emotionally unavailable (he didn't seem this way) or is he simply terrified of being with a woman? If the former, why not just say it? The previous guy I dated was very honest with his unavailability and told me to not waste my time with him. I respected him for being upfront and we are still friends.
The thing is that the guy I am currently dating and I have been friends (albeit mostly long distance) for over 8 years. It would be interesting to see if my emotional message does in fact illicit an answer from him (my mom claims that he is probably ashamed of himself).
At this point I am considering dropping him as a friend as well.
 
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Is this vulnerability between you new? It may be that going into this and hooking up he was expecting things to continue without much emotional depth. If you opened up to him about things that were going on and he backed off he may not have known how to handle this new dynamic in the friendship and now feels pressured to reciprocate emotions that just may not be there. I would not label it abusive necessarily even if the way that he is handling this is less than ideal.

I don't think you can chase him down and get anything out of him because it seems there is nothing else he wants to give. If your needs in the friendship are no longer satisfied or you cannot be content going back to how things were, then he is no longer the friend for you.

Yes, everything you say makes perfect sense. As I said, I will wait a bit longer and then drop him as a friend as well. It is good that I opened up to him during the first month; at least he won't be wasting my time.

By the way, if that is you in the profile pic, you are very beautiful!
 
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The thing is that only a week ago he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. Then he got upset when I told him I didn't feel like he was really into me a started saying that no woman ever tells him what to do and he hates the fact that I am telling him how he feels. Two days ago he said he was frightened by the whole thing.

I just don't get it. Is this guy emotionally unavailable (he didn't seem this way) or is he simply terrified of being with a woman? The thing is that we have been friends (albeit mostly long distance) for over 8 years. It would be interesting to see if my emotional message does in fact illicit an answer from him (my mom claims that he is probably ashamed of himself).
At this point I am considering dropping him as a friend as well.

I had a VERY similar experience with an INTJ a few years ago. We became exceptionally close though were long distance. We got together and hooked up and we were emotionally intimate. Then suddenly he backed off cold turkey saying he couldn't deal with it and didn't know what things were between us, etc. Slowly but surely he faded out of my life completely and we no longer speak. It's too bad. I sometimes wonder if the compatibility of the friendship/relationship changes when a certain level of intimacy is reached... like it forces a shift in one party or the other and they just go cold.
 
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But the case with me and this guy is weird because for two weeks after, he was the one who was chasing me and asking to be my boyfriend. He asked "Artemisia, what are we?" and then I told him "we are dating". I guess he didn't take it well when I told him that I have good intuition overall and don't let men stay in my life if I feel like they are not meeting my needs. But he could still have handle it better.

Yes, your situation sounds familiar. I guess these guys are just afraid to fall in love (he even said so).
 
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But the case with me and this guy is weird because for two weeks after, he was the one who was chasing me and asking to be my boyfriend. He asked "Artemisia, what are we?" and then I told him "we are dating". I guess he didn't take it well when I told him that I have good intuition overall and don't let men stay in my life if I feel like they are not meeting my needs. But he could still have handle it better.

Yes, your situation sounds familiar. I guess these guys are just afraid to fall in love (he even said so).

He seems to have a thing about being in control. Probably highly insecure in himself. Funny that everything was going good until you suddenly had desires and wishes.


Then he got upset when I told him I didn't feel like he was really into me and started saying that no woman ever tells him what to do and he hates the fact that I am telling him how he feels.

Um, run. Run fast. That is the stupidest piece of shit thing I think he could have said. This guy is only going to cause pain to whomever falls for him. That is a huge pile of horrible things running through his head to end up reaching that conclusion and saying that.
 
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I have a different read on this than the others seem to have.

If I understand this right, you've known this guy for quite a while, you got together and for weeks he was interested and you were the one reluctant. You change your mind, pour out your heart to him, including some very emotional issues that you are dealing with. You decide that he didn't react the way you wanted him to. The guy tells you he loves you but you tell him that you don't feel he's into you (that sounds insulting to me). He tells you that he doesn't like that you're telling him how he feels (seems a valid position to me).

So, from what I read, after playing hard to get for weeks, within the span of the last week you change your mind and pour out your feelings and you insult him by telling him you don't believe him when he tells you that he loves you.

The part where he tells you that no woman tells him what to do doesn't sound right, but it might have just been a gut defensive reaction at being insulted after telling you he loves you.

In my opinion, you dumped a lot on him all of a sudden and didn't give him a chance to process it. Maybe he does love you and worked up the courage to tell you but you hurt him quite badly by questioning it.

To be honest, your reactions seem typical of an anxious attachment style.
 
I have a different read on this than the others seem to have.

If I understand this right, you've known this guy for quite a while, you got together and for weeks he was interested and you were the one reluctant. You change your mind, pour out your heart to him, including some very emotional issues that you are dealing with. You decide that he didn't react the way you wanted him to. The guy tells you he loves you but you tell him that you don't feel he's into you (that sounds insulting to me). He tells you that he doesn't like that you're telling him how he feels (seems a valid position to me).

So, from what I read, after playing hard to get for weeks, within the span of the last week you change your mind and pour out your feelings and you insult him by telling him you don't believe him when he tells you that he loves you.

The part where he tells you that no woman tells him what to do doesn't sound right, but it might have just been a gut defensive reaction at being insulted after telling you he loves you.

In my opinion, you dumped a lot on him all of a sudden and didn't give him a chance to process it. Maybe he does love you and worked up the courage to tell you but you hurt him quite badly by questioning it.

To be honest, your reactions seem typical of an anxious attachment style.

Perhaps I am at fault too, I will not deny it. But there is this nagging feeling in my gut which suggests that this guy is insecure and emotionally abusive.
 
Perhaps I am at fault too, I will not deny it. But there is this nagging feeling in my gut which suggests that this guy is insecure and emotionally abusive.

This nagging feeling could be right or wrong, but at this point if you're feeling like that then you're better off letting him go and saving both of you time and heartache, because even if he isn't either of those things he would have a big obstacle to climb to prove to you that he isn't.

In the spirit of fairness though, perhaps try to spare him the judgement of being something that he is not proven to be but just a nagging feeling.
 
This nagging feeling could be right or wrong, but at this point if you're feeling like that then you're better off letting him go and saving both of you time and heartache, because even if he isn't either of those things he would have a big obstacle to climb to prove to you that he isn't.

In the spirit of fairness though, perhaps try to spare him the judgement of being something that he is not proven to be but just a nagging feeling.

Just out of curiosity, aren't your nagging feelings usually correct?
 
The thing is that only a week ago he said he loved me and wanted to be with me. Then he got upset when I told him I didn't feel like he was really into me and started saying that no woman ever tells him what to do and he hates the fact that I am telling him how he feels. Two days ago he said he was frightened by the whole thing.

I just don't get it. Is this guy emotionally unavailable (he didn't seem this way) or is he simply terrified of being with a woman? If the former, why not just say it? The previous guy I dated was very honest with his unavailability and told me to not waste my time with him. I respected him for being upfront and we are still friends.
The thing is that the guy I am currently dating and I have been friends (albeit mostly long distance) for over 8 years. It would be interesting to see if my emotional message does in fact illicit an answer from him (my mom claims that he is probably ashamed of himself).
At this point I am considering dropping him as a friend as well.

Sounds like he has a very different definition of love and perhaps intimacy. Intimacy is built on emotional connection and going deeper together as a couple. Without it you are just skimming the surface. Also sounds like you are expecting a certain type of emotional connection; this is normal especially if you know what type of emotional connection you are seeking. Fromw hat you wrote; his type of emotional giving is not really doing it for you. Love and intimacy go hand and hand and him not holding up emotionally is a sign of emotional immaturity. You can stick around to try to help him in this regard; and maybe even be the one that helps him mature but that seems like not exactly what you want. But it is obvious what he is lacking and what he is not able to give and you have to decide if that will be good for you in the long run.

I would also not take his declaration of love seriously. How can he love you; i mean really love you without knowing your emotional core? Unless his love is just a fancy way of saying he cares but that is never enough for something real.
 
Just out of curiosity, aren't your nagging feelings usually correct?

No, not always. I am very careful with that because sometimes these nagging feelings come from seeing something that I've experienced with somebody else and assuming that the rest of the pattern would also be the case with this person. Sometimes we see what we expect to see as opposed to what is actually in front of us. I'm not saying that's the case with you but I think this happens way more often than people realize. I always go with the presumption of innocence until proven guilty, although I also keep boundaries if I suspect something.
 
Sounds like he has a very different definition of love and perhaps intimacy. Intimacy is built on emotional connection and going deeper together as a couple. Without it you are just skimming the surface. Also sounds like you are expecting a certain type of emotional connection; this is normal especially if you know what type of emotional connection you are seeking. Fromw hat you wrote; his type of emotional giving is not really doing it for you. Love and intimacy go hand and hand and him not holding up emotionally is a sign of emotional immaturity. You can stick around to try to help him in this regard; and maybe even be the one that helps him mature but that seems like not exactly what you want. But it is obvious what he is lacking and what he is not able to give and you have to decide if that will be good for you in the long run.

I would also not take his declaration of love seriously. How can he love you; i mean really love you without knowing your emotional core? Unless his love is just a fancy way of saying he cares but that is never enough for something real.

Yes, I think he said it in haste. He seems to be all over the place and even told me that he works long hours and often he doesn't now what he is saying/doing after work. But there is a lot that is unstable in his character it seems.

The thing is that he dated a colleague of mine six years ago. She doesn't know I have been dating him but I am tempted to ask what happened between them (it lasted six months he said). I will not do it though because it may ruin my professional relationship with her.
 
Since there are few details to make judgments about him, I would recommend from your end, focusing on why you felt that he was the right person to share your feelings with? Was it simply your need to have someone to go deeper and become serious that guided this decision? Or was it something he said or did? This is important because sometimes we can get so caught up in wanting to share our feelings and emotions when we feel close to someone that we don't think about whether or not they are ready or deserving of this new level of emotional intimacy. Also, as human nature tends to be, we can often confuse the attraction felt through physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, not realizing that it's not the same.

Many people can be very sensitive lovers, but beyond the physical side, they are not able to give their partner social and emotional fulfillment. And seems, from other threads, not just this one, that you're looking for something more substantive and lasting. This means, being more selective about those with whom you open lines of intimacy. Remember, simply because you're ready for a serious relationship and all that comes with it, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is. Doesn't make them good or bad, just not ready. This could be because of age or life circumstance. Many men in their 30s are still working to build their careers, and may not necessarily seek or want a serious commitment. They prefer waiting until later to settle down.

Maybe he's just at the social or emotional level that best fits you. Hate to use age as a crutch here, but a mid 30s man does not have the same mindset as a mid 30s woman. Where each person is, in relation to the other, can easily be like night and day, despite being the same age. If you want maturity in a partner, you may want to consider dating partners who seem closer to where you are, than dating someone and just seeing where it goes only to realize they are not ready. Dating with a purpose becomes even more necessary as you get older.

Not that you should feel as if you must date someone "seriously" from the start. However, take your time when dating them, and ensure they have the things you want on before moving into physical intimacy. Since emotional intimacy is important to you, ensure that the person you're dating has a good EQ (emotional intelligence - awareness and interest). At the same time, keep in mind that you are responsible for your own emotional expressions. Simply because you are ready to be emotionally expressive doesn't mean the other person is or should be.

Everyone has their own timetable. What's right for one person may simply not be right for the other.

This isn't necessarily true. Remember that the guy asked to be my boyfriend three weeks ago. He has always claimed that he wants a long-term relationship but is scared. What's more, he even said that he is well-established in his careeer and wants to settle down. Of course all of this may be BS, but my instincts are still telling me that he has control issues and when he realized I would not put up with it, he panicked.

I used to date men in their 40s until recently and I have to say that most of them were worse off in emotional maturity than the guys in their late 20s/early 30s. Age does not equal maturity.
 
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After three days of unstable emotions, today I removed him from Facebook and hit the delete button on him. Granted he still has my phone number and will probably try to re-enter my life in the future, but I am done. And I feel much better now.
 
The same word can have different definitions depending on who you ask. "Emotionally available" I can guarantee you means something completely different to women than it does men.
Just because he agreed he wants that doesn't mean that he knows what it means to you.
Just as food for thought.