I think I'm losing my best friend | INFJ Forum

I think I'm losing my best friend

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Nickyrd2, Apr 23, 2009.

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  1. Nickyrd2

    Nickyrd2 Newbie

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    Hey everyone I feel the need to tell someone about this and I can't do it with anyone I know so anyway...
    Me and my friend have been best friends since frist grade. We had everything in common, same intrests,humor, values, everything. About a year ago he started going out with a girl. They love each other but they are very different about it. She is open to her feelings and trusts pretty much everyone (something I always found beatiful and amazing). My friend though is insanly overprotective of her, whenever she gets close to anouther guy he freaks out, wether its in his head or verbally. After a while I started getting closer to his girlfriend. She came to me with her problems she said she was afraid of messing up the relationship with him, I told her I think she feels this way because of how needy his love is and how overprotective he is, She shouldn't be so stressed about something that MIGHT happen. so I think I helped her with that we keep talking and now I value you her as one of my closest friends I havn't been so close to anyone other my friend.
    But my friend saw how close we've gotten and I guess not being able to freak out at his longtime friend keeps his feelings on the inside. I started to get feelings that he didn't trust me. I told her about it and she passed it on to him ( can't keep a secret for her life but I knew this telling her). She said he trusts me that calmed me down for a while but, Just recently me and her decided to hang out. She told him we were going to hang out for the day, then she asked him what he was going to do he said "I guess nothing now". Its at this point I realised what he's been doing, He's been swallowing his feelings, now I really don't he trusts me, I've been feeling so disconnected from him and now my fears are realized. This makes her the closest person to me now but I don't know what to do. I want to talk to her about it but I don't want to come between them. I know if I bring it up he would Deny everything... and he can be dam convincing at that. Anyway thanks for listening...any advice? or questions?
     
    #1 Nickyrd2, Apr 23, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2009
  2. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    Before you get mad at me I know this isn't your intention, but it sounds like it is you that is coming between them and their relationship. I know you call her your closest friend and like hanging out with her, but in doing so you really are putting a wedge between not only you and your best friend, but also your best friend and his girl. You need to step back from the situation for now (but don't tell her you're doing this because word will probably get back to him). As much as you don't want to, you have to confront your friend on this or you are probably right and will loose him. You have to explain to him your situation with his girl friend (assuming you are only friends with her and not at all interested in her) and you need to hear him out. Even if he says "everything's fine" don't fall for it. You need to work this out with him before you spend any more time with his girlfriend. Also you better be pretty sure she isn't falling for you, or else this could turn into a huge mess.

    Tread carefully but if you take the time to actually talk with your friend, it should all work out.
     
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  3. OP
    Nickyrd2

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    I know it may sound like that funk but you don't know much of a predator he becomes when it comes to her. They'll be together 6 days in a week and on the 7th day when he already has plans she'll decide to hangout with me and I still get these feelings of untrust from him. I talked to him about it once when she got really mad about his overprotectiveness (thats a word right?). I told him I think he's overprotective he said he's afraid about how open she is. He said his feelings are justified. The only thing that changed was he redoubled his efforts to hide those feelings from everyone, I've know him my whole I know how he's feeling though... even If he wants admits to his feelings he would have to take the chance of making her mad and I don't think he'll do that. He has the ability to deny anything I could say on the matter, and if he does that how does that make me look?
     
    #3 Nickyrd2, Apr 23, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2009
  4. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    You just don't hang out with someone else's girlfriend of fiancee or wife - it's just one of those big unwritten laws that everyone has to keep.
     
  5. OP
    Nickyrd2

    Nickyrd2 Newbie

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    that seems like a very shallow rule.

    Let me make this clear there is nothing more then friendship between me and her.
     
  6. Liv

    Liv Community Member

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    doesnt matter theres a very delicate boundary and its very easy to cross...also youre meant to be his confidante not hers,and when theyre not together you should probably be aiming to meet up with him not her.hes probably very shaken by this new friendship....put yourself in his shoes.sorry i know this was not the response you hoped for
     
  7. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Liv's right - so are you. It is a shallow rule, but when it comes to couples there are boundaries.

    Imagine if your father had a good friend who was a female, and he would go out for coffee with her. What would your mother think? Or vice-versa?
     
  8. OP
    Nickyrd2

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    My dad does have a women who he is good friends with, she owns the camping lot next to ours so on summer weekends she sees my dad more then my mom does, my mom knows this she doesn't not trust my dad for it.

    I know anouther girl in school that i'm friends with who walks to lunch everyday instead of walking with her boyfriend. Nothing bad comes from it.

    All my friends are very close to each other.

    Its not that I value her more then him, its that theres this passive hostile air whenever me and him are hanging out now. What concerns me most of all is that if he's so quick to distrust someone who's know him his whole life how much can he trust her?
     
  9. Lune Froide

    Lune Froide Community Member

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    I have to agree with you and Liv.

    My closest experience to what you're going through would be my male best friend dated a girl who would insist that we spend time together (i'm also female) and was eager for that time alone to 'chat'. I honestly just remember a lot of head hanging guilty feelings whenever she talked about him, her opinion of him, and ergh - the arguments.

    I often felt dirty going from coffee with her to kickin' it with my best bud. I asked him how he felt toward it and he said he didn't care, it wasn't in his personality to mind.

    Sounds like it is in your best friend's personality. If that doesn't persuade you into honoring that then man, one last thing -- if/when/ they break up, you're gonna get to listen to all that bitchin' OR it'll go the other way. For me, I was with my best friend ex-girlfriend the next day drinking coffee and watching her cry. That sucked, I knew my best friend didn't care but it doesn't change the feeling of being 'shady' sometimes.

    Start following the rule about not talking about people behind their backs, if you MUST maintain a relationship/friendship with that girl then do it based on something other than the topic of your life-long friend's instability in his life right now.

    Ergh some females sometimes. I feel like you dudes are getting messed around a little bit, I'm sorry.
     
  10. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    I am also losing one of mt closest friends.

    It is all her fault!:m142:
     
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  11. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    There's no doubt about it, you've got to stand back, even though it will be hard for you. It's the right thing to do.
    It's how to do it without getting everybody all riled up that will be the tricky part.
    It seems like you are her boyfriend's antithesis in a lot of ways. This is not good because it will prevent her from seeing her own situation clearly. You are validating so many things for her - let her figure it out on her own.
    You've got to be careful not to overstep boundaries and watch out that your own aren't being violated as well.
    Those are just my thoughts after reading about your situation.
    Things like this really suck and I absolutely understand how ripped off you must feel.
     
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  12. OP
    Nickyrd2

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    WOAH wait a minute is this what you guys are going off of? He is not all we talk about, hardly at all, she is my friend because she was one of the only people I have been able to open up to, She came to me at first when she was having problems with him but we solved those and now were just friends.

    I don't talk behind his back he knows what my feelings are.
     
  13. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    Oh dear that's quite the situation you've go there.

    I always believe in being open and frank about your problems.

    My initial instinct would be to talk to them about it.

    You must be very careful if you do that though, feelings run deep (well duh)

    And be honest I say don't hold back an opinion because it might hurt.

    My friend wont even effing TALK to me.

    How am I supposed to fix anything if she wont talk to me?

    Well that's another thread. *sighs*
     
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  14. alcyone

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    Alright, I'm gonna give this to you straight up.
    I've warned people before about the kind of advice I give, you may want to take a minute and think about it.


    1) Minority Funk is totally in the right. You are the wedge in the relationship and you are getting between your friend and his girl. I remember watching a documentary about a male pair of bachelor lions. They were all well and good together UNTIL a female became involved (dayam we wimmenz are trouble). Then it was no-holds barred fight to mate. Winner got the girl.

    While we are people and not lions, the same instincts are there. Your friend is VERY insecure about his relationship (sounds like this is his first serious girl). And you are his best friend. If you hadn't been, you'd probably already been in an altercation by now.

    2) This girl KNOWS there is a problem, sounds like she isn't comfortable with your friends insecurity and isn't helping the matter, OR reassuring HER boyfriend about anything. She is using you as a buffer to deal with her inability to handle her relationship maturely, thereby causing MORE insecurity.

    Do you see the vicious cycle here? If it keeps up its going to end very badly. Let me tell you, at your age, his age, and her age none of your relationships are going to last. This isn't soul mates meeting in highschool. All of you have a lot of growing up to do. A lot of people here still have contact with one or two friends from highschool, are you willing to lose your long term friend over a girl who likely won't be in either of your lives 5 years down the road?

    3) As for her not having feelings for you...Are you sure about that? Cause let me tell you, you may not have any feelings for her (yet) but let me tell you. she may just be playing her boyfriend with someone she feels safer with. She may be trying to use you as the catalyst that ends her relationship with your friend. She just may be one of those girls who won't be mature and end a bad relationship honestly, so she has to create drama and chaos covertly in order to end things for her.

    You need to back off from her and apologize to your friend. If you and her are going to hang out together, it includes HER boyfriend. You don't talk, don't text, don't email, don't IM. Say Hi in the halls, casual conversation if you happen to share classes. No more heart to hearts and allowing her to pour her relationship troubles in your ears.

    4) Where the hell is the Guy Code here? You've violated at least 3 rules.

    Shame on you. http://frostburngroupie.blogspot.com/2005/06/its-guy-code.html
    http://itsguycode.com/theguycode.html

    You'd better ask your mirror whether or not this girl is worth losing your friend over. A friend you've had for a long long time, and could be having for the rest of your life.

    Then take a look at the girl as ask yourself how long you are likely to be friends with her.

    5) Why your friend hasn't dumped you to the curb I don't understand. Apparently he's put a higher value on your friendship than you have. You may want to think about that. Put yourself in his shoes for a bit. Imagine its your girlfriend he's taking from you. Your girlfriend who 'likes' your friend so much she wants to go out and do things with him socially. You girlfriend who is discussing the flaws in your relationship with your friend....

    Think about these things for a bit and ask if you'd really appreciate being on the recieving end of this stuff.

    ~~

    Bottom line,

    You are out of line.
     
    #14 alcyone, Apr 24, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2009
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  15. Liv

    Liv Community Member

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    Alcyone that could possibly be the soundest most straight forward advice ive ever heard well done!
     
    #15 Liv, Apr 24, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2009
  16. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    I have always hated this idea that people can't have a other friend. Other than someones SO.

    Thats my opinion.

    Thats all I have to say. Please carry on.
     
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  17. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    I get the feeling Alcyone isn't one to mince words LOL
     
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  18. Liv

    Liv Community Member

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    im guessing we all have hated the rule at some point in our lives...youre right in that its not fair,but we humans are far from perfect thats why the rule exists.its tough,you have a choice to make simple as,youre free to ignore our opinions,but you would not have posted if there was nothing wrong with this situation and everyone was happy.if you inadvertantly destroy a friendship thats it,game over.she wont stick round long either,women can be fickle and cruel.this is why there are rules.preventative measures.
     
    #18 Liv, Apr 24, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2009
  19. Lune Froide

    Lune Froide Community Member

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    No, that was what I was going off of but I stand corrected. I was too focused on the 'he said, she said' telephone game that I was reading in your post, my apologies, I should've re-read it to see the isolation of the incident.

    Looks like aclyone has summarized these things best, though. I wish you luck, it sounds like your heart is in the right place.
     
  20. alcyone

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    It's more to do with transparency.

    My SO knows about all of the other male friends I have. I do not go out to hang with them casually unless I am sure that my spouse trusts them implicitly (and/or I have a few girlfriends with me). He knows I will NOT cheat on him, but he also doesn't want to be in a position whereby he may have to kick someones ass because they crossed a boundry.

    There are guys who are both of our friends and he knows that there is nothing going on there. His friends are usually friends with me, but that is more acquaintance like. If I needed help, I could ask and they'd help because I was the wife of their friend.

    sumone~ Yeah, when it comes to this kind of stuff I sometimes have a lot to say. And sometimes it's not so nice.

    LOL....Its a bad habit, but I am of the opinion that a band aid is best removed as fast as possible instead of little bit at a time. This is one of those situations that is a band aid.
     
    #20 alcyone, Apr 24, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2009
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