[ENFP] - I have feelings for my unavailable new INFJ friend, help me | INFJ Forum

[ENFP] I have feelings for my unavailable new INFJ friend, help me

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Caruso, Mar 30, 2020.

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  1. Caruso

    Caruso Two

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    ENFP here. I met an INFJ 2 months ago (we work together). We got on like a house on fire from the second we met, we talk about everything - philosophy, psychology, history, music, travel, MBTI lol... We share the same crazy opinions and theories about the world and other people. Things that, throughout my lifetime, I’ve hardly shared with anyone as most people think I’m a bit crazy/eccentric. I have many friends, but INFJ is the first person I’ve ever met who truly makes me feel like I’m not alone in the world.


    About 2 weeks after we met, INFJ and I were discussing friendships. INFJ said they only have 1 or 2 close friends, whom they only see around once or twice a year – by choice. They said they find social interaction draining, don’t tend to “like” many people, and even the people they do like, they often find it tiring to speak to or meet up with. Then, they asked if I wanted to get brunch together at the weekend. Obviously I went, and bearing in mind what INFJ had said to me about social interaction etc, I made sure to be chilled & subdued, not wanting to drain them. I stayed quiet and let INFJ talk more than they normally do, and it was honestly amazing to see how far they came out of their shell – telling long stories animatedly, laughing loudly and unashamedly… the version of the INFJ I get when it’s just us 1 on 1 is so different to what they’re like around other people. They are so, so quiet around others but so different around me. When I realised this, I felt warm inside, grateful and lucky. One of the INFJ’s favourite things to discuss is the connection we have, its intensity, how it feels like we have ESP together. They spoke about the first time we met and how they felt like they knew me straight away (even though our interaction literally lasted 2 minutes), and also made a speech about how deeply they care for me, ending with “I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but I really like you”.


    We also text a lot. I try not to initiate this too often, especially as we see each other most days anyway. INFJ sends good morning/night texts every day, and throughout the day will send memes, YouTube links (mainly to songs they think I will like), interesting articles etc. As an ENFP, this is heaven for me, and of course I reciprocate.


    Now, the problem. INFJ is married. I found this out around a week or so after meeting, by which point our spark had already overwhelmed me into a crisis of feelings. I don’t know much about INFJ’s marriage as this is the one aspect of their life they don’t often open up to me about. I would never, ever get involved in someone’s marriage, so I have absolutely zero intentions of pursuing anything romantic with the INFJ. Recently, I have been trying to tone down our level of interaction, mainly because I don’t want others to perceive it as flirting. When we’re together in a room with others, I sometimes internally cringe for a second at how annoying I/we must seem, because we seem to completely drown everyone else out and get lost in each other having crazy deep conversations and then being in fits of giggles 5 mins later, and repeat. People at work have already began to comment on how close/inseparable we seem to be. If I leave the room to get coffee, INFJ follows me to join, even if their cup is still half full. People have noticed the INFJ doing this and made jokes. Also in meetings we religiously sit next to each other, and always are either touching or just-about touching while everyone else seems to be miles away from each other. The touching is the most confusing thing for me. For someone who seems so averse to being in the presence of others I do sometimes wonder why they feel the need to always be close to me and touching me? INFJ always touches my arm/back when walking past, stroking my arm to comfort me when I get stressed, etc. INFJ also likes to catch my eye from across the room, stare for a few seconds (which feel like eternity), and then wink and smile, which I have to admit fucking kills me every time.


    I felt like I needed to turn down the intensity, especially after realising my feelings, because I’m worried that I’m giving myself away, which I obviously do not want to do. Every day before I get to work I promise myself that I will be chill, I try *so* hard to treat them like a normal colleague, but then I see them and everything goes out the window and I’m like an excited puppy or a teenager on a first date.


    INFJ's work assignment is temporary but could be extended. So the positive is that I won’t have to deal with this forever. I just want to know how the hell to deal with this in the meantime. I need someone to tell me that I need to get a grip and stop overanalysing this. The problem is that the more I try to ignore my feelings, the more intense they get. Every time I depart from being with the INFJ I feel like I’ve just been hit by a 20 tonne truck of emotions which leads me to go home, overanalyse everything and end up questioning my entire reality.

    Looking for general advice really, but my questions are as follows:

    1) What strategies can I use to lessen the intensity of our interactions and the frequency of our contact, without upsetting INFJ?

    2) Do you think there’s a possibility INFJ could be aware of my feelings? If so, is the INFJ likely to ever confront me about this or not?

    3) Does INFJ’s behaviour hint at any kind of reciprocation of feelings or just an intense friendship? [I am fairly certain the answer to this is no, but I want to hear an objective opinion, as I feel my own judgement on the matter is extremely clouded]

    4) I think this may be impossible, but how can I try to lose or lessen my feelings for INFJ?
     
  2. slant

    slant Ruby Adoraboobie

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    It will pass eventually as long as you don't feed it
     
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius A R C

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    Get a grip and stop overanalysing this.

    Don't worry about upsetting the INFJ if you're trying to do the right thing, that's completely immaterial and an excuse for a lack of action.

    Deliberate distance is your best bet.

    Yes, they are very likely to be aware.

    I'm not sure if the INFJ will confront you about it - if it were me and my feelings (INTJ), I would put them on the table.

    Could go either way.

    They may say and think no (married), but feel yes. They may insist on it being platonic today, but make a move tomorrow.

    Distance. Someone else; other friends/people/distractions.

    Pretend to catch Coronavirus and disappear for 6 months.


    Goid luck trying not to ruin a marriage - it's half ruined already.
     
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  4. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    Sounds like the infj is flirting with you. And they are probably aware of your feelings and share them. Even though they are married. Yikes. I agree with @slant that it will pass.... Unless you pursue it or continue to welcome the flirty attention.
     
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  5. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    And I agree with this... A happily married person doesn't give this sort of attention to friends; touching, gazing and winking, having long heartfelt discussions about your connection... So ultimately your choice is to do the right thing and maintain distance or carry on like this with them. That really sucks that you developed this connection with someone only to find out they are married. But maybe some male INFJs can comment on how they treat female platonic friends. This does not sound platonic.
     
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  6. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I might sound like an asshole but you shouldn't be friends with a married man or a man in a relationship. That's practically asking to bang him.

    You're seriously asking for trouble and have no business talking to another woman's husband outside of a professional context.

    If you want a friend then get a dog.

    If you want a husband then go to church.
     
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    #6 Pin, Mar 30, 2020
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  7. Hostarius

    Hostarius A R C

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    The OP is obviously a girl, Pin.
     
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  8. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    This is super old fashioned. Men and women can be friends. I think it's totally possible to have platonic relationships with men and I'm married. Just because it's a member of the opposite sex doesn't mean you will automatically want to jump them and visa versa.
    But this situation is not that.
     
    #8 acd, Mar 30, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2020
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  9. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    Yep, they are flirting with you. .my guess is that the marriage is either in or headed for the toilet. .if you want out, get out now, and don't flirt back. or flirt back and see what happens. .I guess a big question is, what do you really want?
     
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  10. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    ...

    I completely disagree.

    Why would a married man touch and text a woman that isn't his wife if his goal isn't to bang her?

    Men and women can definitely be friends but it's asking for trouble, all I'm sayin.
     
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  11. Cornerstone

    Cornerstone Well-known member

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    I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said. I think it's pretty clear that the only reasonable course of action is to get a dog and go to church.
     
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  12. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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  13. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    Well what I said was the fact that he's touching and talking about their super-special-deep connection (and yes, texting) means it is not platonic. So yes, in this instance, it's asking for trouble.

    But men and women can have platonic friendships. And I know this from my life experience. Because I have long time male friends and it's not anything like this. There's no sexual tension. We don't touch each other and discuss our spiritual bond etc. And my husband maintains female friends, too. I don't think that all men and women can be to one another are sexual objects. That it will always come to that. I guess it depends on how you view women though. But this is actually an entirely off topic conversation. Just saying.... It's the year 2020 Pin not 1820!
     
    #13 acd, Mar 30, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2020
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  14. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I remember 1820. I was there, it was a simpler time.
     
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  15. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    You're too funny. :laughing:
     
  16. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I completely agree, I just think that's largely the case in Western culture/society and even worse in places like Saudi Arabia.

    Most of Western society isn't a feminist paradise. The next question: should it be?

    I'm going to sound very feminist right now but women generally speaking aren't widely respected or seen as equivalent to men in most of the world.

    Maybe Scandanavia. But who wants to live there?
     
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  17. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    Ha. No I meant that if you see women only as sex objects... As in you cannot see any value in their friendship because your primary interest is in having sex with them... Or that sex is all they really have to offer or the most important thing that they can offer..Then it would be difficult to maintain a platonic relationship.
     
  18. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    I also have good friends that are female. . there is nothing sexual about it, I love and respect them as the wonderful human beings that they are
     
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  19. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Holy shit...

    I think I made someone cry, or at least very sad. I was trying to express a similar point to someone but I think I accidentally made them feel terrible about themselves.
     
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    #19 Pin, Mar 30, 2020
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  20. acd

    acd jezi baba

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    What did you say?
     
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