ENFP here. I met an INFJ 2 months ago (we work together). We got on like a house on fire from the second we met, we talk about everything - philosophy, psychology, history, music, travel, MBTI lol... We share the same crazy opinions and theories about the world and other people. Things that, throughout my lifetime, I’ve hardly shared with anyone as most people think I’m a bit crazy/eccentric. I have many friends, but INFJ is the first person I’ve ever met who truly makes me feel like I’m not alone in the world.
About 2 weeks after we met, INFJ and I were discussing friendships. INFJ said they only have 1 or 2 close friends, whom they only see around once or twice a year – by choice. They said they find social interaction draining, don’t tend to “like” many people, and even the people they do like, they often find it tiring to speak to or meet up with. Then, they asked if I wanted to get brunch together at the weekend. Obviously I went, and bearing in mind what INFJ had said to me about social interaction etc, I made sure to be chilled & subdued, not wanting to drain them. I stayed quiet and let INFJ talk more than they normally do, and it was honestly amazing to see how far they came out of their shell – telling long stories animatedly, laughing loudly and unashamedly… the version of the INFJ I get when it’s just us 1 on 1 is so different to what they’re like around other people. They are so, so quiet around others but so different around me. When I realised this, I felt warm inside, grateful and lucky. One of the INFJ’s favourite things to discuss is the connection we have, its intensity, how it feels like we have ESP together. They spoke about the first time we met and how they felt like they knew me straight away (even though our interaction literally lasted 2 minutes), and also made a speech about how deeply they care for me, ending with “I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but I really like you”.
We also text a lot. I try not to initiate this too often, especially as we see each other most days anyway. INFJ sends good morning/night texts every day, and throughout the day will send memes, YouTube links (mainly to songs they think I will like), interesting articles etc. As an ENFP, this is heaven for me, and of course I reciprocate.
Now, the problem. INFJ is married. I found this out around a week or so after meeting, by which point our spark had already overwhelmed me into a crisis of feelings. I don’t know much about INFJ’s marriage as this is the one aspect of their life they don’t often open up to me about. I would never, ever get involved in someone’s marriage, so I have absolutely zero intentions of pursuing anything romantic with the INFJ. Recently, I have been trying to tone down our level of interaction, mainly because I don’t want others to perceive it as flirting. When we’re together in a room with others, I sometimes internally cringe for a second at how annoying I/we must seem, because we seem to completely drown everyone else out and get lost in each other having crazy deep conversations and then being in fits of giggles 5 mins later, and repeat. People at work have already began to comment on how close/inseparable we seem to be. If I leave the room to get coffee, INFJ follows me to join, even if their cup is still half full. People have noticed the INFJ doing this and made jokes. Also in meetings we religiously sit next to each other, and always are either touching or just-about touching while everyone else seems to be miles away from each other. The touching is the most confusing thing for me. For someone who seems so averse to being in the presence of others I do sometimes wonder why they feel the need to always be close to me and touching me? INFJ always touches my arm/back when walking past, stroking my arm to comfort me when I get stressed, etc. INFJ also likes to catch my eye from across the room, stare for a few seconds (which feel like eternity), and then wink and smile, which I have to admit fucking kills me every time.
I felt like I needed to turn down the intensity, especially after realising my feelings, because I’m worried that I’m giving myself away, which I obviously do not want to do. Every day before I get to work I promise myself that I will be chill, I try *so* hard to treat them like a normal colleague, but then I see them and everything goes out the window and I’m like an excited puppy or a teenager on a first date.
INFJ's work assignment is temporary but could be extended. So the positive is that I won’t have to deal with this forever. I just want to know how the hell to deal with this in the meantime. I need someone to tell me that I need to get a grip and stop overanalysing this. The problem is that the more I try to ignore my feelings, the more intense they get. Every time I depart from being with the INFJ I feel like I’ve just been hit by a 20 tonne truck of emotions which leads me to go home, overanalyse everything and end up questioning my entire reality.
Looking for general advice really, but my questions are as follows:
1) What strategies can I use to lessen the intensity of our interactions and the frequency of our contact, without upsetting INFJ?
2) Do you think there’s a possibility INFJ could be aware of my feelings? If so, is the INFJ likely to ever confront me about this or not?
3) Does INFJ’s behaviour hint at any kind of reciprocation of feelings or just an intense friendship? [I am fairly certain the answer to this is no, but I want to hear an objective opinion, as I feel my own judgement on the matter is extremely clouded]
4) I think this may be impossible, but how can I try to lose or lessen my feelings for INFJ?
About 2 weeks after we met, INFJ and I were discussing friendships. INFJ said they only have 1 or 2 close friends, whom they only see around once or twice a year – by choice. They said they find social interaction draining, don’t tend to “like” many people, and even the people they do like, they often find it tiring to speak to or meet up with. Then, they asked if I wanted to get brunch together at the weekend. Obviously I went, and bearing in mind what INFJ had said to me about social interaction etc, I made sure to be chilled & subdued, not wanting to drain them. I stayed quiet and let INFJ talk more than they normally do, and it was honestly amazing to see how far they came out of their shell – telling long stories animatedly, laughing loudly and unashamedly… the version of the INFJ I get when it’s just us 1 on 1 is so different to what they’re like around other people. They are so, so quiet around others but so different around me. When I realised this, I felt warm inside, grateful and lucky. One of the INFJ’s favourite things to discuss is the connection we have, its intensity, how it feels like we have ESP together. They spoke about the first time we met and how they felt like they knew me straight away (even though our interaction literally lasted 2 minutes), and also made a speech about how deeply they care for me, ending with “I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but I really like you”.
We also text a lot. I try not to initiate this too often, especially as we see each other most days anyway. INFJ sends good morning/night texts every day, and throughout the day will send memes, YouTube links (mainly to songs they think I will like), interesting articles etc. As an ENFP, this is heaven for me, and of course I reciprocate.
Now, the problem. INFJ is married. I found this out around a week or so after meeting, by which point our spark had already overwhelmed me into a crisis of feelings. I don’t know much about INFJ’s marriage as this is the one aspect of their life they don’t often open up to me about. I would never, ever get involved in someone’s marriage, so I have absolutely zero intentions of pursuing anything romantic with the INFJ. Recently, I have been trying to tone down our level of interaction, mainly because I don’t want others to perceive it as flirting. When we’re together in a room with others, I sometimes internally cringe for a second at how annoying I/we must seem, because we seem to completely drown everyone else out and get lost in each other having crazy deep conversations and then being in fits of giggles 5 mins later, and repeat. People at work have already began to comment on how close/inseparable we seem to be. If I leave the room to get coffee, INFJ follows me to join, even if their cup is still half full. People have noticed the INFJ doing this and made jokes. Also in meetings we religiously sit next to each other, and always are either touching or just-about touching while everyone else seems to be miles away from each other. The touching is the most confusing thing for me. For someone who seems so averse to being in the presence of others I do sometimes wonder why they feel the need to always be close to me and touching me? INFJ always touches my arm/back when walking past, stroking my arm to comfort me when I get stressed, etc. INFJ also likes to catch my eye from across the room, stare for a few seconds (which feel like eternity), and then wink and smile, which I have to admit fucking kills me every time.
I felt like I needed to turn down the intensity, especially after realising my feelings, because I’m worried that I’m giving myself away, which I obviously do not want to do. Every day before I get to work I promise myself that I will be chill, I try *so* hard to treat them like a normal colleague, but then I see them and everything goes out the window and I’m like an excited puppy or a teenager on a first date.
INFJ's work assignment is temporary but could be extended. So the positive is that I won’t have to deal with this forever. I just want to know how the hell to deal with this in the meantime. I need someone to tell me that I need to get a grip and stop overanalysing this. The problem is that the more I try to ignore my feelings, the more intense they get. Every time I depart from being with the INFJ I feel like I’ve just been hit by a 20 tonne truck of emotions which leads me to go home, overanalyse everything and end up questioning my entire reality.
Looking for general advice really, but my questions are as follows:
1) What strategies can I use to lessen the intensity of our interactions and the frequency of our contact, without upsetting INFJ?
2) Do you think there’s a possibility INFJ could be aware of my feelings? If so, is the INFJ likely to ever confront me about this or not?
3) Does INFJ’s behaviour hint at any kind of reciprocation of feelings or just an intense friendship? [I am fairly certain the answer to this is no, but I want to hear an objective opinion, as I feel my own judgement on the matter is extremely clouded]
4) I think this may be impossible, but how can I try to lose or lessen my feelings for INFJ?