[INFJ] I got doorslammed. How can I show him I appreciate him without pushing him?

[sommerfugl]

I used to date an INFJ, but it ended after a long chat where he shared that he had thought of how a future with me would be; that due to different religions we could not become a couple. He asked me if I would convert to his religion. I said no and he was really sad and uncomfortable. After that convo he avoided me for 6 months, but we became friends again and it's been up and down ever since. I must admit that I pushed his boundaries a few times in order to understand more what happened between us even if he explicitly told me to stop. I have had PTSD since I was a child, so even if I tried to avoid pushing his boundaries, all of this was more than I could bare to handle so I ended up asking him why he said/did this and that a few times. He said I took all his energy. I am really mad at myself for hurting him like that.

Anyway, as I am working on becoming more self-aware and try to understand the people around me (through MBTI), I have understood better where I went wrong with this INFJ and how I should have handled it as I understand his needs a little better now.

However, every now and then I really don't know how to perceive his actions. In the beginning he would like everthing I posted on Facebook, but after the convo he didn't like any of my photos or posts despite the fact that he told me that he had looked at them. So my surprise was big when he during a week both followed me on Twitter, wrote me a message on Whatsapp and liked a photo I posted 10 years ago on Facebook (I don't post anything new on Facebook anymore). I thought he wanted to get back to a friendship with me, so I probably pushed him too much with invitations and such and he went back to avoiding me.

I thought he had done the famous INFJ doorslam against me as I heard nothing from him. After a few months, I wrote to him how I understood that my behavior towards him was self-centered and that I was sorry for having pushed his boundaries multiple times (the message was a bit longer than the extract I wrote here). I knew he wouldn't respond, but at least I wanted to let him know that I am truly sorry.

Today he did it again. He liked another photo that I published 10 years ago. This time I will not push him for sure, but I don't know how to respond to it. I want to show him that I appreciate his contact, but not push him away again. Any suggestions? Not sure I should write to him, but maybe I could like a photo that he published many years ago as well? I am much too direct normally, but my bluntness is too much for him it seems especially under these conditions.
Also, if I was still on the other side of his doorslam, he wouldn't like a photo of me right?

 

[Gaze]

Ok. Yes, maybe he wasn't comfortable with the contact but he could have reached out and made some kind of effort to resolve any issues. Do not blame yourself for his behavior. He alone is responsible for his responses. You've owned your responsibility, now he needs to deal with his.

It seems he is blaming you for not converting for him. That is not right. Cutting you off because you didn't do what he wants is not a good sign. You were honest about your feelings, and nothing is wrong with that. He may think his opinions or feelings are more important than yours, and so believe it is ok to shut you out because you didn't do what he expected. That's not showing respect for you. That's not the kind of person you want to be with. He was inconsiderate and not accepting of your feelings. Not good.

Don't make compromises for someone who is not willing to make the same compromises or accommodations for you. You deserve better than that.

If he truly cared or appreciated your friendship, he would not have shut you out because you didn't convert. His disappearing act, and inconsistent support (likes here or there) is not what you deserve or need in a partner. You want someone you can discuss your feelings with openly and not feel guilty if they don't agree with your beliefs.

Maybe contacting him is not a good idea. I think he is using this to make himself feel he has the upper hand, maybe thinking he still has the power in the dynamic. He sounds young and immature. He doesn't sound as if he knows how to reciprocate.

Yes, maybe contacting him too often was not good, but his on and off contact is also not fair to you. Too many mixed signals. It seems he wants to contact you on his terms only and when he is ready. Again, not fair to you. I suggest taking a break from contact with him. Don't reach out or respond to his likes or shows of interest. By telling him you are responsible for how he feels, he may use this as an excuse not to take responsibility for his behavior. He is not considering how his inconsistent contact is affecting you. That's not considerate.

Do yourself a favor, and take a break from contacting and responding to him. Find something else to focus your attention. Build your confidence in who you are. The right person will appreciate you.

 

[sommerfugl]

Ok. Yes, maybe he wasn't comfortable with the contact but he could have reached out and made some kind of effort to resolve any issues. Do not blame yourself for his behavior. He alone is responsible for his responses. You've owned your responsibility, now he needs to deal with his.

It seems he is blaming you for not converting for him. That is not right. Cutting you off because you didn't do what he wants is not a good sign. You were honest about your feelings, and nothing is wrong with that. He may think his opinions or feelings are more important than yours, and so believe it is ok to shut you out because you didn't do what he expected. That's not showing respect for you. That's not the kind of person you want to be with. He was inconsiderate and not accepting of your feelings. Not good.

Don't make compromises for someone who is not willing to make the same compromises or accommodations for you. You deserve better than that.

If he truly cared or appreciated your friendship, he would not have shut you out because you didn't convert. His disappearing act, and inconsistent support (likes here or there) is not what you deserve or need in a partner. You want someone you can discuss your feelings with openly and not feel guilty if they don't agree with your beliefs.

Maybe contacting him is not a good idea. I think he is using this to make himself feel he has the upper hand, maybe thinking he still has the power in the dynamic. He sounds young and immature. He doesn't sound as if he knows how to reciprocate.

Yes, maybe contacting him too often was not good, but his on and off contact is also not fair to you. Too many mixed signals. It seems he wants to contact you on his terms only and when he is ready. Again, not fair to you. I suggest taking a break from contact with him. Don't reach out or respond to his likes or shows of interest. By telling him you are responsible for how he feels, he may use this as an excuse not to take responsibility for his behavior. He is not considering how his inconsistent contact is affecting you. That's not considerate.

Do yourself a favor, and take a break from contacting and responding to him. Find something else to focus your attention. Build your confidence in who you are. The right person will appreciate you.

Thank you for responding. What I wrote here might sound more black and white than it really was, because it is a short post covering many years, and I didn't share anything about how our interactions were before the conversation and in between the hot/cold mode from his side. First off, before the convo we had many conversations about philosophy in my religion and we had lots of common opinions on that. As an ENTP I got pretty enthusiastic and he probably thought I was more religious than I am, but I just love discussing in general and that makes me excited. He had thought of converting to my religion, but due to family traditions etc he chose not to. So he started off saying he knew how much my religion meant to me and that even if I would have wanted to convert to his he wouldn't let me. But longer into the discussion that is when he asked me straight out if I would convert to his. I don't think he was upset that I didn't want to convert. He said he was upset that I had told him about my feelings. I tried to ask him why, but he wouldn't answer. It might be because he thought I should have known it couldn't work between us.
I am guilty of this myself btw, because secretly I was hoping I could influence him to convert as well. Except for religion which well none of us are religious, although family traditions would be a part of our life nevertheless, we are sooo good together. We have great conversations where we both challenge each other on ideas, and we have tons of common interests.

I am NOT trying to get back into a relationship with him. I am more or less over him. But just like I am friends with other exes, I would be happy to be friends with him if only catching up over a coffee once a year. I know very few N's in general, so it would be great to be friends with one of those few.
And I just want to know if he has forgiven me or not. That does not mean that I think he is perfect in how he treated me. I agree that he didn't handle this maturely. But while he is immature on this issue, I want to be mature on my part and take responsibility of what I did.

 

[sommerfugl]

Gale After reading my last post, do you still think I should not "respond" to him in any way? Except for the feelings/relationship stuff, he is generally considerate and kind. He has helped me a lot, also after that convo. As he had feelings for me that he could not share with me, it might have been a very painful topic to discuss for him. So I don't blame him even if he could have handled it a little differently. But we both didn't use Fe for what it is good for, so we are sort of "even". I don't think that need to stop a friendship. I just want to discuss with him and hear his very inspirational and intelligent opinions.

 

[Gaze]

Gale After reading my last post, do you still think I should not "respond" to him in any way? Except for the feelings/relationship stuff, he is generally considerate and kind. He has helped me a lot, also after that convo. As he had feelings for me that he could not share with me, it might have been a very painful topic to discuss for him. So I don't blame him even if he could have handled it a little differently. But we both didn't use Fe for what it is good for, so we are sort of "even". I don't think that need to stop a friendship. I just want to discuss with him and hear his very inspirational and intelligent opinions.

Other INFJs here could probably give a better response to this but I do think both of you don't seem to be on the same page. My concern for you is that by keeping the lines open, he will continue to remain at arms length. I mean he didn't even make an effort to respond to your communication acknowledging his feelings. So, to protect your feelings, I would recommend taking a break. Sometimes, our feelings can work against our own interests.

Unless he's put enough effort out there indicating he wants a real friendship, which you would like and deserve, I suggest taking time away for yourself. Since he is not giving you what you desire or need, I would let it go for now. He may still try to communicate but unless it's really going to meet the need for connection that you desire, you may only make yourself unhappy waiting around for him to do more when he's just not willing to do so. And he may just not be in the place or space right now to give you what you need. It may be hard to accept or hear, but stepping away from him may be better for you in the long run. If you keep putting effort into something that's not giving you what you want or need, it's just going to drain you. So right now, I suggest focusing on protecting your own feelings. All the best.

 

[Pin]

Move on.

Life is too short to pander to a... who is probably too afraid to message you.

Don't sell yourself so short.

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

It seems to me he might have been saying that he felt hurt that you wouldn't convert for him even though he'd give you his all, or something like that. So, he doorslammed you. Agree with other posters that he kind of asked for it, though it may also be a sign of incompatibility?

If he's like me, he's probably feeling sentimental, but a doorslam is a doorslam. I tend to "park" my exes on social media. If he wants a friendship, you'll be able to get him to meet in person and it should be easy from there.

 

[sommerfugl]

I agree with all of you - @Gale, @Pin and @Chickensoup - that unless he actually brings real friendship actions, I should just ignore the small gestures.

That being said, I really want to understand what is/was going on.
If he had a moment of being sentimental, and therefore went through all my old photos, but was determined to keep the doorslam intact, why would he show it to me by clicking like on the photo(s)? You might think it was by accident, but I don't think so as last time the like was accompanied by a personal message and a twitter follow.

We don't live in the same country anymore and once when I visited him he told me that he is not someone who actively contacts his friends not even his family or best friends in his home country. He has a highly demanding job and during the few times he is "free" from work, he wants to relax by himself. They have complained many times about his lack of contact and when he sees them they say jokingly "ahhh so you remember us now". Based on this he told me not to take it personally, because just like with his best friends it will be like only yesterday we saw each other last. He said this to me but expressed his annoyance that I asked him, because he does not want to explain himself.

Even if it has been quite tense when I have seen him the last few times, he is still telling me the truth about what he actually thinks/don't like about this and that while he tells everybody else that he likes those things in order to sound more cultured, knowledgeable, interesting and versatile. It is a work camouflage. In times when I told him what I had told to other people about him, he said "oh you told them?" And his voice was like "oh you revealed a secret about me". But I didn't know it was a secret as I didn't regard it as negative or anything. However, that probably added up to the doorslam.

I don't know what to make of all this. It seems so contradictory. On one hand he trusts me enough that he would tell me how he really feels about things, and that he will relax completely and be himself when we see each other next time. But nevertheless it has been tense the last times. He says i should not take it personally but he finds it awkward. On the other hand, he rarely responds to my messages even those where I show my vulnerability. I know that he is not responsible for giving me reassurance, but at least for me as Fe is my tertiary function I try my best to support people and reassure them when they reach out to me even if emotions are not my strongest side (I try to give them advices rather than emotional support). I don't understand why he just shuts me out, but tells me not to take it personally. Maybe I expect too much? Maybe this means I am being self-centered? But he insisted to be friends and couldn't understand why I questioned our friendship, but when someone frequently doesn't respond to messages and don't or rarely initiates contact where does it show any sign of friendship? This is why I figured he doorslammed me despite what he told me.

Again, I am not asking this because I insist on a friendship with him. I want to let his friendship go, but I don't manage to. I have tried everything. I think the only solution left is for me to understand what I did wrong so that I can learn from it and move on.
I told him that too that if we could just have a last conversation where I could understand what went on, I would be able to let him go. He didn't reply and refused my two following phone calls.
I probably sound very annoying, and indeed my PTSD is very annoying and painful to me as well not just towards him. I am not like this around others, just when it gets really emotional with a bf. Once when I visited him I told him that I am only like this around him as I care so much about him, and he asked "oh so you mean I just take this as a compliment?" and he showed me a very annoyed almost upset facial expression. He normally seems very compassionate and balanced though.

 

[sommerfugl]

I've had a few days to think about this. Thank you so much for answer. It really means a lot.

he could have reached out and made some kind of effort to resolve any issues

His disappearing act, and inconsistent support (likes here or there) is not what you deserve or need in a partner.

I read on some other posts where INFJs said that if I send him an apology it will be appreciated but that I should not expect an answer; that once an INFJ has made up his mind it is hard to change his mind. They also said that INFJs feel incredibly deep emotions and that the only way to escape negative feelings is to move away from the source which in this context was me and not reply to my egoistic needs. They said that no is a no. They were surprised about my self-centered behavior towards him as they said INFJs are very selfless.

I would really appreciate it if you could share why you think these completely different conclusions from yours were taken from INFJs.

 

[James]

I told him that too that if we could just have a last conversation where I could understand what went on, I would be able to let him go. He didn't reply and refused my two following phone calls.

once an INFJ has made up his mind it is hard to change his mind. They also said that INFJs feel incredibly deep emotions and that the only way to escape negative feelings is to move away from the source which in this context was me

I've read your posts carefully. I think you should only apologise, if you genuinely think you've done wrong. Whether you get an answer or not. INFJ can be very stubborn but are perfectly capable of changing their minds.

Whether they like what you say or disagree with it, sincerity matters a lot. INFJ dislike conflict a great deal. I think this is why he has not responded to you. Many times INFJ will pass off comments, remarks as though they're ok to avoid conflict, but may have been deeply wounded by them.

I'm not saying any of the above makes it "your fault" just trying to explain how an INFJ may react and behave. We are far more likely to walk away than argue unless it's something very important.

INFJ are usually very good at reading others intentions, but we still get things wrong and make mistakes. If you do contact him again be as honest as you can, but be sensitive, especially in your tone.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Gaze]

I've had a few days to think about this. Thank you so much for answer. It really means a lot.




I read on some other posts where INFJs said that if I send him an apology it will be appreciated but that I should not expect an answer; that once an INFJ has made up his mind it is hard to change his mind. They also said that INFJs feel incredibly deep emotions and that the only way to escape negative feelings is to move away from the source which in this context was me and not reply to my egoistic needs. They said that no is a no. They were surprised about my self-centered behavior towards him as they said INFJs are very selfless.

I would really appreciate it if you could share why you think these completely different conclusions from yours were taken from INFJs.

Honestly, people just have different perspectives. In the end, my point was if someone is not responsive to your efforts to reach out, then maybe just give it a break. In the end, it's up to you to make the decision that's right for you. Regardless of what anyone advises, you're the only one who can decide what to do. You're the only one who fully knows the story between the both of you. You can't control what other people do or how they will respond to something you say or do.

Edit: In the end, you can only do what's best and healthy for you. Being a particular type doesn't excuse anyone from not being responsive and appreciating someone's efforts to reach out. Door slams are sometimes overused and people use them to justify rude and dismissive behavior. So, don't blame yourself for that person's actions.

In any case, this is where my advice ends. Wish you the best. Take care.

 

[the]

What do you appreciate about him?

 

[the]

Seems relavent

 

[sommerfugl]

I've read your posts carefully. I think you should only apologise, if you genuinely think you've done wrong. Whether you get an answer or not. INFJ can be very stubborn but are perfectly capable of changing their minds.

Whether they like what you say or disagree with it, sincerity matters a lot. INFJ dislike conflict a great deal. I think this is why he has not responded to you. Many times INFJ will pass off comments, remarks as though they're ok to avoid conflict, but may have been deeply wounded by them.

I'm not saying any of the above makes it "your fault" just trying to explain how an INFJ may react and behave. We are far more likely to walk away than argue unless it's something very important.

INFJ are usually very good at reading others intentions, but we still get things wrong and make mistakes. If you do contact him again be as honest as you can, but be sensitive, especially in your tone.

Good luck and best wishes.

Of course I am sincere. It's not in the nature of an ENTP to be dishonest in general and above all when it comes to people we care about.

It is possible he doesn't believe I was sincere though as I didn't give a lot of backup info for why I take the responsibilities that I do. I only explained briefly what I did to come to that conclusion. The core reason is that my C-PTSD issues are to blame and even though I try to control them, there comes a point where they become too painful to cope with so I need to calm my insecurities by asking for explanations. My psychologist also advised me to ask directly to the person involved about the things I worry about. That doesn't go well with this INFJ though.
So the only things I could have done differently was to have solved my CPTSD problems earlier or simply not to have gotten involved with him (though he initiated it originally).

I have not told him about my PTSD and C-PTSD. He knows that "something" happened in my childhood that I still suffer from, but he does not know what those things are. Only 2 really close people know about it, and I do not wish to tell anyone else. The only reason I even mentioned it to this INFJ was because I felt I had to explain a little bit about why I pushed him for explanations now and then. Btw, it is not like I did this often though. There were months between the times I did.

I do not want to tell him about my CPTSD now either, because doing that could seem as though I seek pity; as if I say it to make him become my friend because I suffer. In other words, it could be perceived as manipulation.

 

[James]

Of course I am sincere. It's not in the nature of an ENTP to be dishonest in general and above all when it comes to people we care ab

I'm not questioning your sincerity, all I sensed was that you were maybe holding something back. Infj are generally very perceptive, and it "might" cause them concern. I'm sorry you've had that misfortune, but you've addressed it. That takes courage.

Not all entp or INFJ are the same. It's just a personality preference. But if your infj has opened up to you, and you don't reciprocate, that's possibly going to make them feel insecure.

I don't know your situation, only you do. Life involves risk. It's maybe worth thinking about why you don't want to talk to them and what the outcomes would be. Trust is important in any relationship, but I think it's crucial with infj.

Empathy is not pity and if what's happened caused you hurt, your infj will likely feel that and want to help. I wish you the best.

 

[sommerfugl]

I'm not questioning your sincerity, all I sensed was that you were maybe holding something back. Infj are generally very perceptive, and it "might" cause them concern. I'm sorry you've had that misfortune, but you've addressed it. That takes courage.

Not all entp or INFJ are the same. It's just a personality preference. But if your infj has opened up to you, and you don't reciprocate, that's possibly going to make them feel insecure.

I don't know your situation, only you do. Life involves risk. It's maybe worth thinking about why you don't want to talk to them and what the outcomes would be. Trust is important in any relationship, but I think it's crucial with infj.

Empathy is not pity and if what's happened caused you hurt, your infj will likely feel that and want to help. I wish you the best.

The time when I mentioned to him briefly that something happened in my childhood, he only replied "Don't worry. It is in the past". So it didn't seem like he was interested in talking about it. Well, it was in a text because at that point we no longer lived in the same country.

In between all this, I also wonder if it is only my insecurities who makes me think he doorslammed me (although it was initially some INFJs in another post who said that is what he did). After all, like I mentioned earlier he told me not to worry about lack of contact as he doesn't keep contact with neither his best friends or family members. I am so confused about the hot and cold.

But anyway, like many of the posters told me, I will just have to stop contact with him. My cptsd clearly doesn't fit into a friendship with him. It hurts me tremendously that what happened in my childhood has ruined more than just what was then, but keeps on ruining even in adulthood. And I am mad at myself for not having been able to think myself out of the mess on my own. To think that it ruined a friendship that is so precious to me, is awful to think about.

Anyway, thank you all for helping.

 

[James]

To think that it ruined a friendship that is so precious to me, is awful to think about.

You know best how things are. But maybe?It's worth taking a risk and talking to them. Like you have here. If it doesn't work out? At least you know you tried.

I don't think your past defines you. It might yet drive you on to far better things.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I used to date an INFJ, but it ended after a long chat where he shared that he had thought of how a future with me would be; that due to different religions we could not become a couple. He asked me if I would convert to his religion. I said no and he was really sad and uncomfortable. After that convo he avoided me for 6 months

He doesn't like you that much

 

[sommerfugl]

He doesn't like you that much

I keep thinking this too due to the lack of and short messages. But that doesn't explain why he AFTER the convo and 6 months of avoiding came to hug me holding his arms all around me and tightly for what felt like an eternity. A beautiful one. It doesn't explain why he would tell me things he clearly didn't admit to others as mutual friends had the "public version" of those stories. It doesn't explain why he begged me to come visit him from afar before he moved to another country. It doesn't explain why he became happy that I would come to visit him abroad and started planning things already on the phone. I've stayed at his place a few times even though I know he would not be afraid to say no if he didn't want me there. He also introduced me to people complimenting me up to the stars. And he came early to a friend's gathering I organised before I moved when he is normally late to everything and wanted to stay longer when all our mutual friends left home (I was still quite hurt at that point so I got ready to leave and he expressed disappointment). In general, he has always wanted me to stay longer, but I have left anyway. Etc etc etc. Again all these and many more things happened AFTER the convo and 6 month of no contact. Would someone who didn't like a person do all that and especially an INFJ?

 

[highlighter]

My best friend is an ENTP and I am INFJ male,
well for sure you got the door slam, I think all door slams come from the root of your doing something or somethings that are hurting him and its been going on for a while or maybe the whole time, has he dropped any hints or clues as to other behaviors maybe that offended him? I know INFJ are very hard to read and they dont make their needs known! so idk.

I also know that it seems that INFJs have this line in the sand thing...and once you cross it thats it. I know I have that, but whats crazy is that we INFJs dont even know what that line is!?!?!? its just something that happens. I am not saying you did but by chance did you ever lie to him? or omit something from him? INFJs see omission as straight lying.

with regard to why hes still "contacting you" I see 2 things the 1st is hes having trouble letting go even if he thinks its a bad relationship or hes pissed at you hes still there. INFJs are a constant paradox he may be DONE with you but still Care....

the 2nd is bad............
if you really hurt him and hes pissed he may want vengeance, justice. he maybe acting like friends to suck you in and think he loves you only to cut you. its crazy but INFJs .......can do this..... if they think its "right" play cool and than bam!


on the religion thing....did you ask he would change for you? maybe he feels that he would have! and when you said no he figured you didnt care for him the same way he did for you. maybe it was a test?