[INFJ] I got doorslammed. How can I show him I appreciate him without pushing him?

[the]

What is it that you appreciate about this guy who wont talk to you but stalks your social media?

 

[Fidicen]

@sommerfugl, I find the role of religion in your posts confusing. On the one hand, you're saying that even though you come from two different religions, neither of you is particularly religious. On the other hand, you imply that the conversation about conversion was the reason for doorslam. At first he had even considered converting, and then after asking if you'd convert for him, things go bad.

I don't understand why two people who don't think of themselves as religious would fall out over it. The only explanation I can think of is this: he has some feelings for you, but for one reason or another doesn't think you have a future together. Maybe he even has the right feelings, but believes that something important is missing. This would be the reason for the doorslam, the conflicting feelings making him want to escape, yet at times being warm. But since he doesn't feel close enough emotionally to you to explain this in detail, he would rather use religion as an excuse.

Does liking photos on Facebook indicate interest? I don't think it necessarily means anything except that he was checking out your profile and saw a photo he liked. It's not a message that says "Let's talk again". Well, I'm not on Facebook so I don't know the etiquette really.

The time when I mentioned to him briefly that something happened in my childhood, he only replied "Don't worry. It is in the past". So it didn't seem like he was interested in talking about it. Well, it was in a text because at that point we no longer lived in the same country.

People who don't know much about PTSD often respond in a similar way, particularly when you're not talking face to face. It's not necessarily an indication of disinterest. Perhaps he was trying to be supportive the way people are when you tell them you had a root canal treatment a year ago and are still scared to go to the dentist. So it's entirely possible that he's just unaware of how serious it is. If he hasn't gone through a trauma himself, he might compare your situation to bad things that have happened to him as a child, and thus think that such a response is adequate. Even if you have said "I have been traumatized by xx," it's possible that he still doesn't get it, because trauma is a word that people use nowadays to describe unfortunate events, whereas PTSD is something very different. I've known since childhood that bad things happen to people, but only after I got to know very intimately someone truly traumatized did I understand how much it can affect a person's psyche, behaviour, and even physical reactions to certain events. And even then it took me months and years to make the connections.

 

[t56hg2bv]

I believe he is exhausted by this relationship. Socionics shows that he is supervisor to you in the dynamic.

Link that show the information: http://www.socionics.com/rel/relcht.htm

In looking at both INFJ and ENTP functions it looks like he probably gets a heavy dose of Thinking Intuition from you that he (at times) views as WAY off base. It really depends on the level of intellect on either side; though I'm sure there is only so much logic that he is willing to consider in decisions. I also suspect that he gets overloaded with the Extroversion.

There are probably times when he really enjoys being around you and I suspect that he finds you attractive otherwise he probably wouldn't continue to reflect backwards. I also believe that he needs / wants more from a relationship. This is not a dig on you just a fact of what is going on inside him.

The religious conversation is a primary example. He asked you if you would convert and you said "no." I don't think this conversation was just about religion but a yardstick for you considering his feelings. The facebook posts are potentially another example. He would like facebook pictures to make you feel good (that's what INFJs do), but he also wants to feel like you like / love him at the same time. How often did you like pictures or take an interest in his feelings (outside of the logical?) To me this translates as an imbalance in the relationship from his perspective. I believe he wants to like you but simply can't find a way to reconcile this imbalance. When he is away from you he wants to move on because continuing to try and connect can be painful when he feels what you feel but can't bond like he needs. So he is probably trying to find someone else but constantly feels misunderstood (classic INFJ), reaches back to you for comfort and then realizes AGAIN that it is imbalanced SO the cycle continues.

 

[sommerfugl]

In looking at both INFJ and ENTP functions it looks like he probably gets a heavy dose of Thinking Intuition from you that he (at times) views as WAY off base.

but he also wants to feel like you like / love him at the same time. How often did you like pictures or take an interest in his feelings (outside of the logical?) To me this translates as an imbalance in the relationship from his perspective. I believe he wants to like you but simply can't find a way to reconcile this imbalance. When he is away from you he wants to move on because continuing to try and connect can be painful when he feels what you feel but can't bond like he needs.

That is possible indeed. As I didn't know how he felt about me, I felt at some points very tense and self-conscious. I am terrified of getting rejected in general so I tend not to share how I truly feel about him and so I don't relax around him. But then again, he didn't either so... This fear stems from my cptsd and unless I manage to recover from it or unless he shows me that he truly cares about me, I just can't seem to relax enough to show that I really do enjoy him for who he is and how I love spending time with him. The few times i expressed things about him that I really like or told him that I remember things he said, he looked and actually expressed that he was touched. So you are probably right.

I have called to congratulate him on his birthdays instead of just writing. And I have called him a few other times as well and he seemed to really appreciate that and one of those times was when he insisted that I would come to visit him. However, he has not replied about speaking on skype.
I have told him how I feel for him. And a couple years ago i proposed a second best solution to how we could be together. I realize there was still obstacles for him on that solution. But he told me he was touched but basically that due to life circumstances and priorities he couldn't and he said "right now I don't think this is right for me". I got really hung up on the "right now" as it could imply that later could be a better time. It is true that at that point it had to be a distance relationship and he has a highly demanding job with lots of traveling. Maybe not ideal to be in a ldr then. I know he had bad experience with ldr as well. But logically I think he just wanted to keep the doors open for meeting someone within his religion. However, his message could also just be a polite way of rejecting me again.

After he stopped liking my posts I have only liked his posts very randomly. But I am not sure he knows that as his posts get 200-300 likes and sometimes more.

In general I must admit that I haven't been so good at talking about more feely topics. I especially remember when he told me a cute and interesting story about his nephews. I commented on the Ti part of the story and he looked a bit disappointed and repeated the Fe part of the story to which I didn't really know what to say. I did find it adorable though.

 

[sommerfugl]

@sommerfugl, I find the role of religion in your posts confusing. On the one hand, you're saying that even though you come from two different religions, neither of you is particularly religious. On the other hand, you imply that the conversation about conversion was the reason for doorslam. At first he had even considered converting, and then after asking if you'd convert for him, things go bad.

I don't understand why two people who don't think of themselves as religious would fall out over it.

In the western world we could think that being religious is a question of whether you believe or not in the theology.
But non-western religions are lifestyles. There are rules and rituals to follow every day. The INFJ and I don't follow all those rules except a very few. And those few are important to each of us. But this could not be called being religious in our respective religions.
Religion is however very important to us in other ways such as for family traditions, celebrations of different milestones in life, holiday attendance, culture, philosophical content, being a part of our respective people.
Our religions are highly family related and there are choices we would have to make as a family that would make us have to choose between the religions. Additionally there are some reasons that I don't want to explain publicly because it is personal to him but which makes him not be able to continue with me who is part of another religion.
Moreover, there are many marriages where the couple agreed at first but then the years made them realize that they are living someone else's "lifestyle" and they become so unhappy that the marriage end up in divorce. It is not only up to the couple to agree. The extended family plays a large role as well as the community.

He is well aware of all this too.

 

[t56hg2bv]

That is possible indeed. As I didn't know how he felt about me, I felt at some points very tense and self-conscious. I am terrified of getting rejected in general so I tend not to share how I truly feel about him and so I don't relax around him. But then again, he didn't either so... This fear stems from my cptsd and unless I manage to recover from it or unless he shows me that he truly cares about me, I just can't seem to relax enough to show that I really do enjoy him for who he is and how I love spending time with him. The few times i expressed things about him that I really like or told him that I remember things he said, he looked and actually expressed that he was touched. So you are probably right.

I have called to congratulate him on his birthdays instead of just writing. And I have called him a few other times as well and he seemed to really appreciate that and one of those times was when he insisted that I would come to visit him. However, he has not replied about speaking on skype.
I have told him how I feel for him. And a couple years ago i proposed a second best solution to how we could be together. I realize there was still obstacles for him on that solution. But he told me he was touched but basically that due to life circumstances and priorities he couldn't and he said "right now I don't think this is right for me". I got really hung up on the "right now" as it could imply that later could be a better time. It is true that at that point it had to be a distance relationship and he has a highly demanding job with lots of traveling. Maybe not ideal to be in a ldr then. I know he had bad experience with ldr as well. But logically I think he just wanted to keep the doors open for meeting someone within his religion. However, his message could also just be a polite way of rejecting me again.

After he stopped liking my posts I have only liked his posts very randomly. But I am not sure he knows that as his posts get 200-300 likes and sometimes more.

In general I must admit that I haven't been so good at talking about more feely topics. I especially remember when he told me a cute and interesting story about his nephews. I commented on the Ti part of the story and he looked a bit disappointed and repeated the Fe part of the story to which I didn't really know what to say. I did find it adorable though.

It's a hard gap to bridge a T to F bridge. Unless both have had an opportunity to grow more of their higher functions then it will be difficult. Obviously you both have interest in the difference each other hold but it is strained by the lack of reconciliation for both. This makes things hard to overcome especially if it's long distance. I suspect that things could be enjoyable if both let their guard down and just enjoyed the experience and feelings of being together. Just forget about the past and just enjoy the moment for what it is with no expectations. Not sure you could do that or even want to..

Regardless of what happens, I hope you start feeling better with your CPTSD. I'm sure that demon is hard to cope with and needs to be metaphorically exercised.

 

[sommerfugl]

I want to reply more to the other replies above but don't have time right now.

Anyway, I wrote him a message today and he responded immediately. We have discussed to see each other again and he said "it will be good to see you ". I am so happy about this. He asked about how I am doing these days which he hasn't really done since the convo many years ago. I didn't reply yet to that because he doesn't always text back quickly and as i usually respond right away I figured it is better to wait so that I don't shower him with messages. In other words being pushy. Don't worry I am not reading too much into it. I know how messages are just that polite messages and nothing more + that he might stop replying at any point. + that he can get cold feet and decide it is better not to meet me. Nevertheless, I am just happy if it means we are on good terms again. Will try my very best not to let my cptsd control and ruin it again. So anyway we might see each other again already next month

 

[sommerfugl]

It's a hard gap to bridge a T to F bridge. Unless both have had an opportunity to grow more of their higher functions then it will be difficult. Obviously you both have interest in the difference each other hold but it is strained by the lack of reconciliation for both. This makes things hard to overcome especially if it's long distance. I suspect that things could be enjoyable if both let their guard down and just enjoyed the experience and feelings of being together. Just forget about the past and just enjoy the moment for what it is with no expectations. Not sure you could do that or even want to..

Regardless of what happens, I hope you start feeling better with your CPTSD. I'm sure that demon is hard to cope with and needs to be metaphorically exercised.

I have been much more expressive on the feely part when I have known that the partner felt the same way about me. With this INFJ i have been and still am very unsure about how he feels about me so I have been very reluctant to show my true feelings. It was till the point that once when I think he wanted to kiss me, I wasn't sure and my thoughts got cought up in something I didn't want him to misunderstand about me, so I didn't let him. He cancelled our date the next day. No wonder we are both so confused about each other's feelings and intentions. I have been able to explain how I feel for him better by text but text can not replace the connection we have face to face.

 

[Lurk]

I'm not being cavalier, flippant, or insensitive when I say (IMO) just move on.

To explain: I see bunches of posts explaining complicated relationships -- w. caveats, explanations, "if I," "what if," "should I" etc. -- and I think that healthy relationships (even with bumps in the road) rarely require near- essay length explanations.

IOW, I think you are bending too much. I understand a strong desire to make it all work, but if you have to work ridiculously hard.... :\

 

[sommerfugl]

I'm not being cavalier, flippant, or insensitive when I say (IMO) just move on.

To explain: I see bunches of posts explaining complicated relationships -- w. caveats, explanations, "if I," "what if," "should I" etc. -- and I think that healthy relationships (even with bumps in the road) rarely require near- essay length explanations.

IOW, I think you are bending too much. I understand a strong desire to make it all work, but if you have to work ridiculously hard.... :\

I struggle ridiculously hard with any kind of relation because I have cptsd. Not just those I am romantically interested in, but also friends, family and others I meet here and there. Does that mean I should just live in solitude because I get really insecure about people's intentions and liking of me and can overanalyse what happened forever and ever? No. Working on this is what will hopefully make me recover and allow me to make healthy relationships. It is not a question of moving on. Cptsd is not a choice. It is unfortunately chronic and intrinsic of my whole being. Like my post above describes, I didn't even let him kiss me due to cptsd. The relationship in question is probably broken for many reasons, but understanding what really happened is essential for me regardless.

 

[Lurk]

I struggle ridiculously hard with any kind of relation because I have cptsd. Not just those I am romantically interested in, but also friends, family and others I meet here and there. Does that mean I should just live in solitude because I get really insecure about people's intentions and liking of me and can overanalyse what happened forever and ever? No. Working on this is what will hopefully make me recover and allow me to make healthy relationships. It is not a question of moving on. Cptsd is not a choice. It is unfortunately chronic and intrinsic of my whole being. Like my post above describes, I didn't even let him kiss me due to cptsd. The relationship in question is probably broken for many reasons, but understanding what really happened is essential for me regardless.

I have AvPD and likely C-PTSD as well. I am accustomed to people not "getting it," and that's okay; HOWEVER, I quickly eliminate people who have a cruel or self-absorbed streak. Personally, I think that in 2017, it's well, both infuriating and surprising that people don't understand that the brain is an organ. Just like the fucking heart. People still think in fuzzy nebulous terms when it comes to psychiatry, and they basically make mentally disturbed or *injured* people feel much worse. I won't rant further, but I relate to your defensive attitude. I just want you to know I'm not one of "those" people.

What I was pointing out is that, basically, you don't need to waste your time with someone who doesn't seem to treat you that well, from what you posted. If you are already vulnerable, you need to be extra selective of the people you let in your life. Don't shut everyone out.

I have a hard dealbreaker list. One time, done. People just need to protect themselves....esp. traumatised people. Because sensitive people attract predatory types, it's a good idea to do the choosing.

I'm just trying to help you out. I've been hurt a lot, and my vulnerabilities have been used as ammunition to hurt me deeply.

 

[sommerfugl]

I have AvPD and likely C-PTSD as well. I am accustomed to people not "getting it," and that's okay; HOWEVER, I quickly eliminate people who have a cruel or self-absorbed streak. Personally, I think that in 2017, it's well, both infuriating and surprising that people don't understand that the brain is an organ. Just like the fucking heart. People still think in fuzzy nebulous terms when it comes to psychiatry, and they basically make mentally disturbed or *injured* people feel much worse. I won't rant further, but I relate to your defensive attitude. I just want you to know I'm not one of "those" people.

What I was pointing out is that, basically, you don't need to waste your time with someone who doesn't seem to treat you that well, from what you posted. If you are already vulnerable, you need to be extra selective of the people you let in your life. Don't shut everyone out.

I have a hard dealbreaker list. One time, done. People just need to protect themselves....esp. traumatised people. Because sensitive people attract predatory types, it's a good idea to do the choosing.

I'm just trying to help you out. I've been hurt a lot, and my vulnerabilities have been used as ammunition to hurt me deeply.

Thank you for sharing this. I understand now that you were just trying to help and I appreciate that. Your way of handling it, is maybe a good way for you as an F-type. As a T-type, I just need to logically understand it and I'm good to go. My first bf is very manipulative and controlling. I cried countless times because he would scream at me, call me out on mistakes and correct me on my smallest flaws. I am still friends with that guy. I manage it because I have logically understood how he is. When he criticise me it goes in one ear and out the next. I don't feel pain at all anymore. That is thanks to having logically understood him. I have yet to learn though how to sense when to end the convo BEFORE he gets to the criticising point. And I think that learning how to not get offended by behaviors that aren't worth it, is an important part to me on how to recover from CPTSD. Yet, you might wonder what on earth I'm doing with such a friend, but he is an ENFP although a very troubled one. So we can pretty much talk and get excited about anything, which is gold for me. We share the same sense of humor and so when he is behaving normal I enjoy our friendship a lot. I cope with it by taking breaks in the friendship for when he is in the destruction mode. I live in a country where people don't want to make new friends. It's a cultural thing and people complain about it on forums. They are only friends with those they grew up with and very rarely let people close to them. It's hard enough to find friends who can joined in on the N-type of communicating so keeping one of the only ones I know and rather learn to deal with it, is for me the best solution. If I can handle this guy, I can handle others as well.

When it comes to the INFJ I think I can thank myself for a lot of the misunderstandings. First of all, I read a few days ago a thread on INFJ's phone and text preferences. Most INFJs said they always answer, but there was a couple who said they often don't. One said the following:

Replying to messages -- Unfortunately, no. I'm actually pretty notorious amongst my friends for how slack I am at responding to texts, but they understand that it isn't meant as a slight towards them. As I said before, alone time is alone time. Unless it's done for practical purposes or for the sake of something that actually needs to be discussed, then I'd really rather not text.​

This sounds a lot like him. Not just about the way I perceived it, but also on what he literally told me (I think I wrote about that earlier here) and what his friends have written to him on fb. He told me not to take it personally after all. One friend wrote to him on fb in the line of "I like you despite that you are slack on communication". So I know for a fact that he is not just like that to me. I'm not trying to defend him. We can agree or disagree to whether it is ok to treat your friends and family like that. But I think it is important for me to realize that it doesn't mean that he dislikes me necessarily. Now I can consider if I am ok with that behavior or not. I haven't made up my mind yet on that. All I know is that when I lie in bed crying about how he maybe hates me and how wrong I might have treated him without knowing I did anything wrong, comes from my CPTSD and not how a healthy person would think. I am struggling to distinguish CPTSD from rational thinking (and feeling). And excluding someone I really like when in fact I might have blown things out of proportions in my head, is not what I think is right for me. I first want to understand and then I'll choose what to do about it.

Another thing is that like someone pointed out to me both here and in another thread, explicitly saying what I appreciate about people is very important especially to INFJs. I have told him only a few times during the years. I have a hard time admitting to anyone that I like them unless I know that they feel the same. That even includes flirting eye contact. I systemically look away and I try to avoid all kinds of eye contact unless I am talking with them. When I after over a half year told this INFJ that I have feelings for him (which took so much from me that I literally trembled, stumbled my words and blushed (in other words, a catastrophic and very unattractive way of trying to establish a relationship. Again, it was my CPTSD hold on me), he was somewhat surprised that I felt that for him. But even when he admitted that he had considered me as a life partner and gave me examples on it, I still wondered if he had just said that to politely reject me. My CPTSD have me thinking that I am unlovable. I am slowly getting better though. It's amazing that he still contacts me after all my weird behaviors. Fortunately he can't read my mind, although maybe it had been better if he had read my mind where I think about what I appreciate about him.

 

[sommerfugl]

Does liking photos on Facebook indicate interest? I don't think it necessarily means anything except that he was checking out your profile and saw a photo he liked. It's not a message that says "Let's talk again". Well, I'm not on Facebook so I don't know the etiquette really.

What I think is interesting about his fb likes aren't the likes in themselves, but the change in behavior. Last time the like was accompanied by pm's and a twitter follow. Now he has done that again. Despite all the confusion, I may be wrong but it looks like he wants to show me subtly that he still appreciate me. He might be afraid of getting sucked into my CPTSD nightmare again, so it might just be a peek into my door. It is also interesting to see that he has done this after my apology message. If it was anyone else I agree with most of you that a like is just a like. But in the context that this happens, it does not seem to be just a like.

Will get back to replying more on the rest of your message later.

 

[Kavalan]

After reading this thread. Then re reading it, my two cents are to move on.

You don't just fall off the face of the earth for the better part of a year for no reason. That's a sign that says "he's taking more than a massive step back and reevaluating everything".

If you weren't friends or only briefly friends prior to dating him disappearing would make me inclined to believe he's putting you AT BEST at arm's length away from him. He may care about you still but it may be him trying to figure out how to interact with you WITHOUT acting interested in you. This is super hard especially if there was no baseline "friendship" and you started as dating.

So I echo the common response, move on because this is probably the best situation you will have with this person going forward.

 

[sommerfugl]

After reading this thread. Then re reading it, my two cents are to move on.

You don't just fall off the face of the earth for the better part of a year for no reason. That's a sign that says "he's taking more than a massive step back and reevaluating everything".

If you weren't friends or only briefly friends prior to dating him disappearing would make me inclined to believe he's putting you AT BEST at arm's length away from him. He may care about you still but it may be him trying to figure out how to interact with you WITHOUT acting interested in you. This is super hard especially if there was no baseline "friendship" and you started as dating.

So I echo the common response, move on because this is probably the best situation you will have with this person going forward.

But that is just it. I don't think anything will change. That is not my intention. Yes, indeed when I am at my worst of CPTSD I do want more contact with him, and I miss him more than words can describe. But when I am able to think outside my CPTSD bubble, I am not intending to change my mindset or perception because I try to make him change his interactions with me. I am trying to learn and change my mindset because I am suffering not because of anything he did but because CPTSD has me focusing on the bad and suppressing the good. I want to appreciate the interactions for what they are, but I can only do that if I understand him better.

Also, it is not like he has disappeared for a year at any time. In between he has invited me to visit him meaning staying at his place, he has supported me and advised me - once even for an hour while he was traveling and spending time with his friends. Yes, at those times I initiated the contact, but nevertheless he welcomed it. In other words, he is always there for me when I need him even if he may at some points not reply to me when he is busy or need alone time.
Again, I don't need anything to change if he doesn't want, need or can. I just want to understand him better so that I can enjoy the relation for what it is and him for who he is.

Also, when I said dating, it was just a way to say that there were romantic feelings to a friendship. Nothing physical happened except holding hands a bit and once like I said earlier when I think he tried to kiss me but I casually turned away although I was smiling. That was many months after we got to know each other. Don't know if he noticed that I avoided it, but anyway I think he got sad as he cancelled the next day. CPTSD has done a lot of harm to the relation.

I am ok with seeing him and/or texting with him if only once a year. And I think I am slowly starting to see that things are indeed changing for the better in my mind now. I'll know more in a few months, especially when if I'll meet him next month. From the many people he will see on his work travel next month, I am apparently one of them. That sounds to me like he at least have some kind of friendly care for me still.

 

[Asa]

@sommerfugl - He didn't "door slam" you. A door slam is permanent removal from the INFJ's life with no communication, even after months or years. It is like one of your died. If there are any threads of communication it is not a DS. However, you should probably move on, at least from the idea of ever having a strong bond, in either a friendship or relationship.

The talk about religion was a litmus test - Were you willing to change and sacrifice for the relationship? Your reply meant you were not.

People play the "liking photos, but not communicating" game for many reasons. It is a small way to show a person we care, or a way to say hello without committing to a more complicated conversation, and some people use it to hold a bit of power over the person who is most hurt by the relationship going sour. I've never known an INFJ to do the latter.

 

[sommerfugl]

However, you should probably move on, at least from the idea of ever having a strong bond, in either a friendship or relationship.

What is the reason why you think there can never be a stronger friendship (or relationship)? I am working on recovering from my CPTSD and PTSD, so when I manage to do that, there will not be the problems for him where I demand explanations from him and by that drain his energy.

 

[t56hg2bv]

What is the reason why you think there can never be a stronger friendship (or relationship)? I am working on recovering from my CPTSD and PTSD, so when I manage to do that, there will not be the problems for him where I demand explanations from him and by that drain his energy.

I think @Asa is speaking from good experience. She is a very seasoned INFJ and knows the intricacies of how the type works.

I sincerely hope that your CPTSD gets better but I fully expect that you will have remnants of that for the rest of your life. If that is impeding the relationship now, it will impede the relationship in future. You shouldn't hinge a relationship on the weakness of who you are but instead thrive on the strengths of both. I know you see this but I also realize that love is blind and can impair judgement. I think Asa is trying to say this and wants the best for both. That relationship would be hard for the mix of your types under good circumstance; however, with additional trauma that must be overcome it makes it near impossible. It can be little pieces of happiness followed by long stretches of discontent and hardship.

Best wishes,
FS

 

[acd]

Personally, I find relationships where I'm not sure of my footing to just be a waste of time. I think if you spend more time worrying about the relationship and trying to understand where you stand with the other person than you do actually spending time with them and enjoying one another then it's time to move on. Mutual appreciation and devotion flow between two people. Relationships aren't supposed to be so difficult. I hope that you are able to work through your CPTSD and PTSD for your own sake. The right person will come along eventually.

 

[Asa]

Hi @sommerfugl,

I'm not sure asking for an explanation will go as planned, though, it may if your INFJ friend has addressed our typical quirks and is willing to share a discussion.
Some helpful info about INFJs that may give you perspective:
- INFJs are non-confrontational. We may be bold on this forum (or on social media), because the forum enables us to speak candidly, but under regular circumstances, expect this attribute to shine.
- We may understand your feelings well, but we have trouble figuring out our own feelings. So, we may not be able to articulate why we feel or act as we did, or we may try, and then give a garbled, mixed-up response that doesn't clear anything up.
- We have barrier after barrier for letting people in. You may think you're "in", when you're really only halfway through the barriers. Maybe you feel close to an INFJ, but it's possible you've made it through only two barriers, and there are 146 barriers to the core.
- We don't like hurting people. We won't lie to avoid hurting people, but we may not be open if we feel like that information would be either hurtful to you, or we'd be sharing too much of ourselves with someone we haven't decided to let through certain barriers.
- It's really common for people to feel very close to INFJs and for INFJs not to feel the same way, but we don't like telling people that. Our nature is to be there for you, so you open up to us. We'll help you with your life, address your emotions, and offer perspective, which makes people feel like we're bonding very deeply... but we may not be opening up to you at all, so you're bonding with us, but we're not bonding with you. It's actually awful.
- When we let you in, you're really, really in... and you may still find us confusing (we thrive on introverted intuition and feeling others' emotions, it's a weird place to exist), but there is no mistaking an INFJ who let you through all 146 doors.
- We like to ask pointed questions and analyze your responses. (The converting to his religion question, for example.) We also read into everything people say, and watch their behaviors, so they may say or do something that warns us to be more guarded, or to shut the friendship down, and people have no idea what happened.

I told you to move on because you deserve to be treated better, and this person is not being a true and supportive friend to you. Type is irrelevant in this case. You deserve better. I'm not sure you will get the explanation you deserve, even if the INFJ does agree to give you a fair explanation.

Continue to work on yourself, make your life better for you, become the better person you want to be, and friends and relationships will come along that may this person far less important to you, and may even cure you from needing an explanation.