I didn't think it would hurt like this still. | INFJ Forum

I didn't think it would hurt like this still.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by darkstar, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    So the girl I had eluded to before finally officially is "in a relationship". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and we never actually dated.

    If there was any doubt that I was an "F" before, this confirms it.

    The only good side is that maybe now the part of me that was still holding on will let me let go.

    Does anyone else have feelings like this? Make attachments before they should and not be able to sever them?



    I don't really know why I'm posting it here, I guess my friends just don't get it and I hope some of you will.

    Thanks guys (and gals).
     
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  2. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    I understand that completely.
    hurts like shit. Thats why I was gaming like crazt the past few days. the numbness is a welcome relief to the pain. But i know it ain't good but still... its either that or the pain and i definetly choose the numbness.

    here the thing I took a while to acknowledge. in my case, i let her in, and once in, its very hard to take out. especially since we take so long to trust the other party in the first place. I think you have to acknowledge that she will always be in that part of you. it helped me a bit :)

    sorry if i sound slightly incoherent. I'm numb and i just had a wonderful 1 and a half hours of gaming ;)

    try doing anything else that will require all your attention. that will allow you a while of respite.

    I think the reason is 'cos you got too emotionally attached to her in your mind. I say in your mind as you mentioned that you never actually dated her. I had this once also. Eluded her like crazy but when she got into a relationship I literally went mad for a few days. I had no idea why and I spent the next few days as a hermit trying to figure out why I felt that way especially since I never took her out also. I came to the conclusion that I was too emotionally attached to her in my mind.

    hope this helps
     
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    #2 Grey Wolf, Feb 17, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2009
  3. Ophelia

    Ophelia Community Member

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    I can relate.
     
  4. Jess

    Jess Newbie

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    Yup that happened to me about a month ago. We were friends who were intimate, he swept me off my toes as he was an ENFJ. Then we had an argument due to my values...I wanted to know where I stood. 1.5 weeks later he got a GF. When I found out I got the worst feeling in my stomach. It sucked so bad. I told him I liked him but he said we are friends now. Now we seem to talk again even though he has a GF but I don't see why? Maybe he still likes me? But yeah I so understand that feeling. I cried for a bit and felt ill when i heard that he had a GF especially since I really liked him. I'm glad we still talk and haven't stopped being friends.
     
  5. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    I've been there, still trying to recover. :(

    Whoa, why did I never see that before? Thanks Grey Wolf! Very true!
     
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  6. in_wonderment

    in_wonderment Regular Poster

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    ive never been able to just let go of feelings for people.

    for me, it takes forever for me to form a lasting attachment. but when i do, and it's always with people who are worthy of my affection, then im attached forever. i may move on and try to forget about them... but they are always there.

    i think for me, its because i always choose people who are worthy. who are good, honest, people. so even if they move on, or choose someone else... i still hold them in high esteem. because they mean well. and because frankly, not many people get close to me on a deep level.

    being an infj, i feel like most people only skim the surface of me. when someone goes in further, and stays there for awhile, then i have a really really tough time letting go of them.

    and even though i know it makes absolutely no logical sense... the emotional part of me holds onto them, regardless of time, place, and other life situations.
     
  7. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    no idea
    haha
    glad I could help :)
     
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  8. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    In my case I never really forget. If someone hurts me I pour myself into playing music or taking pictures. I think next time you should ask before you assume. People can have different ideas than you have these days. Trust is very hard to find. And for the most part I trust only people who I know I can trust. If you can learn to wait for love and have some patience you have a lot of years to find love. Let me tell you one thing I have learned over the years. Be yourself! Don't try to act like some one that you think they want you to be. You have to be true to yourself always. In order to love I have found that I must love myself enough to love another. Love is very hard a times and it can become a burden even in the best relationships. I used to think that I was a loser because all my friends were getting married or were dating. When I started seeing them getting divorced and breaking up with their girlfriends. I changed my mind. I realized that no matter what it is a challenge. It can be worth it if you find the right person, it can be hell if you find the wrong one. And it can cost you for the rest of your life if you have kids and you get divorced. Don't take dating for granted its serious and just hooking up with a girl may be fun for the night. But the hurt feelings of rejection may be a high price to pay. I bet if you think about it you can find reasons it was not working and I would focus on that part of it. I am not saying hate her just look at what you had with her and really look at the relationship overall. You may find that you were overlooking what made the whole thing go south. Don't let it get to ya life goes on.. I hope you recover to find the person you should be with don't let this incident stop you from being yourself.. Your ok...
     
  9. alcyone

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    Great advice here people! Look at both the good aspects and the bad ones. Relationship or not...Then LEARN from them.

    Thats what dating is. Learning what you are looking for in a person, learning what you are able and willing to compromise on, and learning what your deal breakers are. I know that love blindness is always a major factor in a new relationship, and its a hobble that some people never throw off. But it's no excuse to not to learn to detach yourself from your emotions and go back to review your relationship.

    Sometimes I think that making divorces so easy was the worst thing this country ever did to itself.

    @ efromm

    So is THAT why you haven't been posting pics recently??? :p
     
  10. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    Thanks guys.

    @efromm [SIZE=Default]"I think next time you should ask before you assume." My point is I get automatically attached before, during and after "asking". Usually I just fight off the feelings before they get a foothold, but this time they sliped past my defensive line and sacked my quarterback. (lame football metaphor)

    Thanks for all the kind words though. I think that's all I really needed.
    [/SIZE]
     
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  11. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    Yep, I agree, though recently, I can't game or do anything to keep this off my mind. Oh well.
     
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  12. JME

    JME Newbie

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    I don't see where you were talking about her... so this is a guess here... and this is my T making itself known I think.


    But why not own it?

    It sounds like you feel some hurt, but it also sounds like you feel some regret for a lost opportunity.

    Will you be prepared if the opportunity presents itself again? It could happen with her or someone else.

    Maybe there's nothing you could have done. But I suspect you feel otherwise. Are you prepared to do something different next time? Shouldn't you be? Maybe the "boyfriend" just beat you to the punch, meaning you can be the boyfriend next time if you play your cards right.
     
  13. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    Oh, he did not beat me to the punch, he just won that's all. What do you mean next time? With her? Next time with someone else? Logically I know there is a someone else somewhere, but the F in me can't ever believe it. I realize this too will pass, but that's just what I'm living with right now.

    I need a good deal of emotional healing before I can move on, and I would also need someone to move on to.

    Time may heal all wounds but this is taking way too long! lol
     
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  14. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    Just think how good it will feel when you meet some one who shares that desire to be loved as much as you want too. It's out there and it usually comes out of no-where!
     
  15. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    I'll have to take your word for it. (I suddenly have the urge to watch Reading Rainbow, ten kudos to anyone who gets that reference).

    BTW, where are these people? Are you sure they exist? Maybe they are just an endangered species. Is there a specific personality type I should look for?
    (as a note the girl mentioned here is an ENFJ, weird).
     
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  16. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    I always had good luck finding girls that did what I like to do. When I went snow boarding I would meet girls who liked to board and I would ride with them. If I felt like I was a third wheel I would nicely bail out. Usually I want to be with a girl I can talk too. And if we both like to be outdoors camping and riding around in the woods great! I can't have a girly girl because of the things I like to go do. So you really need to be realistic with your expectations on women. And your self. There are times that I thought I was being a good boyfriend only to find out later that she thought the exact opposite!
     
  17. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    Good point. I just can't seem to get any mutual attraction going. Part of the problem is that I can't read the signals. I can never tell if a girl wants to be friends or more. Sometimes I wish they would just come out and say it, but then I guess that would ruin the fun :p
     
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  18. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    I bet it can be difficult today. Usually I would wait till she made some kinda move. When I got into my twenties I learned to just ask or go for the girls I liked. It seemed girls like guys to have confidence. Hence the snow boarding trips. LOL

    It is not easy finding the girl of your dreams. It has taken me awhile and my girlfriend now is the only one I want to be with. It's just the matter of a ring and for me it will be over. Taken me 37 years to come to that realization.

    For me being too interested got me dumped. Don't smother! So try not to be too eager to get together just let it happen. You will know when the time is right. Just don't take it too far show some respect and she will reward you later!! Trust me on that!
     
  19. alcyone

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    Girls are more likely afriad to hurt your feelings by coming out and saying what they really feel.

    Blame the repressive society we've developed that insists that womens should be ornaments instead of individuals.

    Okay, so its not like all of that anymore. But generally girls are taught what to say and what not to say. And that they shouldn't 'hurt' peoples feelings.
     
  20. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    But it hurts SO MUCH MORE to be led on or friendzoned.
     
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