[INFJ] How to get others to understand infj complexities

That's a pretty big question.

My answer would be to challenge your premises, though - I'm not sure anyone could really define 'being whole', and if they did I don't think it's something people should really worry about too much before entering a relationship.

If you exhibit toxic behaviours or character traits which might be harmful to a partner, then yes it's important to deal with those, but generally 'wholeness' is something of a myth.

Fundamentally, to take heterosexual relationships as an example, the gender dynamic is there (evolutionarily) to make a success of raising a child. A woman must devote to her child obsessively, and a man must devote to the pair of them obsessively. In this case neither party is 'whole'; they each need the other. The man can't make babies on his own (believe me, I've tried), and the woman can't 'go hunting' safely without risking her offspring. The family is the 'whole', but the individual components of that family are not whole in themselves.

This is very basic, however, and it's much more complicated than that, but for some reason people seem to privilege unsubstantiated modern self-help philosophies over basic truths like this.

TL;DR: Nobody is whole and nor should we ought to be. Don't worry about it.

 

Ask yourself the following question:

- Would any of my behaviours, tendencies or traits hurt my partner?

E.g. Do you drink too much? Are you disloyal? Do you flake? Do you lie? Are you emotionally distant from people?

Anything other than that is simply personality, which shouldn't stop you from entering a relationship.

 

I've been with the same person for almost 30 yrs. I married someone who shares Ni/Se in his stack. We speak the same language.
If you're struggling to get someone to understand you, that isn't the partner for you. (Yes, you'll still have times when you don't completely understand each other.)

In any relationship, whether romantic or not, there needs to be room and respect to be oneself and a willingness to want to understand, even if you/they don't understand. That is more important than MBTI compatibility.

Stop focusing on romance and men, especially hoping they will 'fulfill' you. While love is fulfilling to have in one's life, it will not be the answer to everything.
Focus on what you want out of life. What are your goals? Work on those goals.
How could you improve as a person? How could you improve your emotional reactions and behaviors and how you interact with others? How do you give back to others? How do you want to become more knowledgable? Work on yourself.

If you're a strong person emotionally and mentally, if you're balanced and stable, and if you are accomplishing goals, you will feel whole. The trick is, you never stop learning and improving, and you'll still have times in your life where you don't feel whole. You're a constant work in progress.

 

what she said. . .I think for me anyway, it is important that I understand myself. . you want someone else to do that, but it's really your lot in this life. if you get to know yourself, the rest will get a whole lot easier

 

Well, there's your problem.

Getting to know anyone and letting them get to know you always comes with its own set of risks. Letting someone get to know you is simply exchanging information. You aren't cutting off a piece of yourself and hoping they treat it with respect. You're simply conveying parts of your personality and character and maybe some of your experiences and aspirations. That's it. It's very easy to overthink it and believe that by sharing yourself that it's a big deal, but it isn't and it never is. I think too many people waste a lot of time trying to protect themselves from perceived dangers. The danger really comes from having expectations on other people and those expectations not being met. It also comes from the perceived level of effort we think we're getting in comparison to what we think we're giving someone.

In terms of wholeness, you have to think about who you are and what your life looks like if you didn't have a relationship. Do you have healthy friendships? Do you have a healthy relationship with your family? Do you have a healthy relationship with yourself as a person? With your mind? With your physical self? With your spiritual self? Do you have a way to support yourself? Do you have your own hobbies and activities that you engage in that you enjoy? Do you have a strong identity on your own outside of a relationship? Do you have boundaries that you can enforce without feeling guilt and remorse? Do you share your voice, or are you afraid to speak up? How much of you is already fully expressed and how much of you is kept hidden for someone "worthy" or whatever?

The problem with waiting for someone to demonstrate their worth before you open up to them is that you're withholding yourself from them and making them do all the work. I wouldn't take that approach.