[INFJ] How to get others to understand infj complexities

[CuriousB]

Hi fellow infjs I'm new here and I can't sleep and I have some qs lol

As an infj (at least for me and from what I've read about the type) it seems many of us don't feel understood and the greatest thing to achieve in a romantic relationship (or even friends & family) is that understanding. For who can relate and are in a healthy and happy relationship, how did you get your partner to understand?

They say that a person has to be whole before a healthy relationship and 2 whole people come together for a relationship to work. You can't just wait for another person to come along to complete you. This makes lots of sense to me but my question is: how do you become "whole"? Like I've always wanted to find my partner and I'm a serious romantic at heart (I read a lot of romance lol). I want to find him so that someone can understand me. How do I know if I'm "whole" and not just trying to fill something in me? (Also just for background I've never been in relationship nor do I want to be unless I'm trying to get married to that person. But I know a lot about them based on those around me, observations, and people coming to me for advice which apparently always helps them haha oh and I'm in my 20s)

 

[Wyote]

Math is hard

 

[Wyote]

how do you become "whole"?

Probably not like this. Idk tho, give it a whirl.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

This makes lots of sense to me but my question is: how do you become "whole"?

That's a pretty big question.

My answer would be to challenge your premises, though - I'm not sure anyone could really define 'being whole', and if they did I don't think it's something people should really worry about too much before entering a relationship.

If you exhibit toxic behaviours or character traits which might be harmful to a partner, then yes it's important to deal with those, but generally 'wholeness' is something of a myth.

Fundamentally, to take heterosexual relationships as an example, the gender dynamic is there (evolutionarily) to make a success of raising a child. A woman must devote to her child obsessively, and a man must devote to the pair of them obsessively. In this case neither party is 'whole'; they each need the other. The man can't make babies on his own (believe me, I've tried), and the woman can't 'go hunting' safely without risking her offspring. The family is the 'whole', but the individual components of that family are not whole in themselves.

This is very basic, however, and it's much more complicated than that, but for some reason people seem to privilege unsubstantiated modern self-help philosophies over basic truths like this.

TL;DR: Nobody is whole and nor should we ought to be. Don't worry about it.

 

[Sandie33]

Hi fellow infjs I'm new here and I can't sleep and I have some qs lol

As an infj (at least for me and from what I've read about the type) it seems many of us don't feel understood and the greatest thing to achieve in a romantic relationship (or even friends & family) is that understanding. For who can relate and are in a healthy and happy relationship, how did you get your partner to understand?

They say that a person has to be whole before a healthy relationship and 2 whole people come together for a relationship to work. You can't just wait for another person to come along to complete you. This makes lots of sense to me but my question is: how do you become "whole"? Like I've always wanted to find my partner and I'm a serious romantic at heart (I read a lot of romance lol). I want to find him so that someone can understand me. How do I know if I'm "whole" and not just trying to fill something in me? (Also just for background I've never been in relationship nor do I want to be unless I'm trying to get married to that person. But I know a lot about them based on those around me, observations, and people coming to me for advice which apparently always helps them haha oh and I'm in my 20s)

Date, a lot.
(Not talking sex here, the younger generation seems to be concerned with what they term "body count", I'm referring to dating to learn how people tick.)

Meet people and learn human quirks. Everyone is looking to be understood. Allow them to come to the realization of who you are, who they are, and how the relationship can help cause you to want to be the best you can be. Often, we can get locked into a singular mindset of what the perfect relationship aught to be.

 

[CuriousB]

That's a pretty big question.

My answer would be to challenge your premises, though - I'm not sure anyone could really define 'being whole', and if they did I don't think it's something people should really worry about too much before entering a relationship.

If you exhibit toxic behaviours or character traits which might be harmful to a partner, then yes it's important to deal with those, but generally 'wholeness' is something of a myth.

Fundamentally, to take heterosexual relationships as an example, the gender dynamic is there (evolutionarily) to make a success of raising a child. A woman must devote to her child obsessively, and a man must devote to the pair of them obsessively. In this case neither party is 'whole'; they each need the other. The man can't make babies on his own (believe me, I've tried), and the woman can't 'go hunting' safely without risking her offspring. The family is the 'whole', but the individual components of that family are not whole in themselves.

This is very basic, however, and it's much more complicated than that, but for some reason people seem to privilege unsubstantiated modern self-help philosophies over basic truths like this.

TL;DR: Nobody is whole and nor should we ought to be. Don't worry about it.

Hmm that's very true I'm sure I'm seriously overthinking and should sleep lol... But I meant more like how do I know if I'm ready for a healthy relationship

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Hmm that's very true I'm sure I'm seriously overthinking and should sleep lol... But I meant more like how do I know if I'm ready for a healthy relationship

Ask yourself the following question:

- Would any of my behaviours, tendencies or traits hurt my partner?

E.g. Do you drink too much? Are you disloyal? Do you flake? Do you lie? Are you emotionally distant from people?

Anything other than that is simply personality, which shouldn't stop you from entering a relationship.

 

[CuriousB]

Date, a lot.
(Not talking sex here, the younger generation seems to be concerned with what they term "body count", I'm referring to dating to learn how people tick.)

Meet people and learn human quirks. Everyone is looking to be understood. Allow them to come to the realization of who you are, who they are, and how the relationship can help cause you to want to be the best you can be. Often, we can get locked into a singular mindset of what the perfect relationship aught to be.

I don't want to date (I'm Muslim) and will only start a relationship with someone if I truly think they're marriage material. That being said even for friendships it's hard to find people who put in the same amount of effort to get to know me that I would do for them so it's hard to share myself if someone doesn't seem worthy

 

[CuriousB]

Ask yourself the following question:

- Would any of my behaviours, tendencies or traits hurt my partner?

E.g. Do you drink too much? Are you disloyal? Do you flake? Do you lie? Are you emotionally distant from people?

Anything other than that is simply personality, which shouldn't stop you from entering a relationship.

Oh all very good qs to ask lol I say that to others idk why it's so hard for myself
1 I don't think so 2 no haha (that's funny cuz I don't drink) 3no 4 no 5 yes, but only because I have found them to be too dry for me and also cuz I've been hurt by ppl many times before

 

[Asa]

For who can relate and are in a healthy and happy relationship, how did you get your partner to understand?

I've been with the same person for almost 30 yrs. I married someone who shares Ni/Se in his stack. We speak the same language.
If you're struggling to get someone to understand you, that isn't the partner for you. (Yes, you'll still have times when you don't completely understand each other.)

In any relationship, whether romantic or not, there needs to be room and respect to be oneself and a willingness to want to understand, even if you/they don't understand. That is more important than MBTI compatibility.

how do you become "whole"?

Stop focusing on romance and men, especially hoping they will 'fulfill' you. While love is fulfilling to have in one's life, it will not be the answer to everything.
Focus on what you want out of life. What are your goals? Work on those goals.
How could you improve as a person? How could you improve your emotional reactions and behaviors and how you interact with others? How do you give back to others? How do you want to become more knowledgable? Work on yourself.

How do I know if I'm "whole" and not just trying to fill something in me?

If you're a strong person emotionally and mentally, if you're balanced and stable, and if you are accomplishing goals, you will feel whole. The trick is, you never stop learning and improving, and you'll still have times in your life where you don't feel whole. You're a constant work in progress.

 

[Sandie33]

I don't want to date (I'm Muslim) and will only start a relationship with someone if I truly think they're marriage material. That being said even for friendships it's hard to find people who put in the same amount of effort to get to know me that I would do for them so it's hard to share myself if someone doesn't seem worthy

I see. Merely a cultural/religious difference. I appologize.

 

[David54]

Stop focusing on romance and men, especially hoping they will 'fulfill' you. While love is fulfilling to have in one's life, it will not be the answer to everything.
Focus on what you want out of life. What are your goals? Work on those goals.
How could you improve as a person? How could you improve your emotional reactions and behaviors and how you interact with others? How do you give back to others? How do you want to become more knowledgable? Work on yourself.

what she said. . .I think for me anyway, it is important that I understand myself. . you want someone else to do that, but it's really your lot in this life. if you get to know yourself, the rest will get a whole lot easier

 

[SpecialEdition]

I don't want to date (I'm Muslim) and will only start a relationship with someone if I truly think they're marriage material. That being said even for friendships it's hard to find people who put in the same amount of effort to get to know me that I would do for them so it's hard to share myself if someone doesn't seem worthy

Well, there's your problem.

Getting to know anyone and letting them get to know you always comes with its own set of risks. Letting someone get to know you is simply exchanging information. You aren't cutting off a piece of yourself and hoping they treat it with respect. You're simply conveying parts of your personality and character and maybe some of your experiences and aspirations. That's it. It's very easy to overthink it and believe that by sharing yourself that it's a big deal, but it isn't and it never is. I think too many people waste a lot of time trying to protect themselves from perceived dangers. The danger really comes from having expectations on other people and those expectations not being met. It also comes from the perceived level of effort we think we're getting in comparison to what we think we're giving someone.

In terms of wholeness, you have to think about who you are and what your life looks like if you didn't have a relationship. Do you have healthy friendships? Do you have a healthy relationship with your family? Do you have a healthy relationship with yourself as a person? With your mind? With your physical self? With your spiritual self? Do you have a way to support yourself? Do you have your own hobbies and activities that you engage in that you enjoy? Do you have a strong identity on your own outside of a relationship? Do you have boundaries that you can enforce without feeling guilt and remorse? Do you share your voice, or are you afraid to speak up? How much of you is already fully expressed and how much of you is kept hidden for someone "worthy" or whatever?

The problem with waiting for someone to demonstrate their worth before you open up to them is that you're withholding yourself from them and making them do all the work. I wouldn't take that approach.

 

[Ren]

Math is hard

 

[CuriousB]

I've been with the same person for almost 30 yrs. I married someone who shares Ni/Se in his stack. We speak the same language.
If you're struggling to get someone to understand you, that isn't the partner for you. (Yes, you'll still have times when you don't completely understand each other.)

In any relationship, whether romantic or not, there needs to be room and respect to be oneself and a willingness to want to understand, even if you/they don't understand. That is more important than MBTI compatibility.



Stop focusing on romance and men, especially hoping they will 'fulfill' you. While love is fulfilling to have in one's life, it will not be the answer to everything.
Focus on what you want out of life. What are your goals? Work on those goals.
How could you improve as a person? How could you improve your emotional reactions and behaviors and how you interact with others? How do you give back to others? How do you want to become more knowledgable? Work on yourself.



If you're a strong person emotionally and mentally, if you're balanced and stable, and if you are accomplishing goals, you will feel whole. The trick is, you never stop learning and improving, and you'll still have times in your life where you don't feel whole. You're a constant work in progress.

Thank you

 

[CuriousB]

Well, there's your problem.

Getting to know anyone and letting them get to know you always comes with its own set of risks. Letting someone get to know you is simply exchanging information. You aren't cutting off a piece of yourself and hoping they treat it with respect. You're simply conveying parts of your personality and character and maybe some of your experiences and aspirations. That's it. It's very easy to overthink it and believe that by sharing yourself that it's a big deal, but it isn't and it never is. I think too many people waste a lot of time trying to protect themselves from perceived dangers. The danger really comes from having expectations on other people and those expectations not being met. It also comes from the perceived level of effort we think we're getting in comparison to what we think we're giving someone.

In terms of wholeness, you have to think about who you are and what your life looks like if you didn't have a relationship. Do you have healthy friendships? Do you have a healthy relationship with your family? Do you have a healthy relationship with yourself as a person? With your mind? With your physical self? With your spiritual self? Do you have a way to support yourself? Do you have your own hobbies and activities that you engage in that you enjoy? Do you have a strong identity on your own outside of a relationship? Do you have boundaries that you can enforce without feeling guilt and remorse? Do you share your voice, or are you afraid to speak up? How much of you is already fully expressed and how much of you is kept hidden for someone "worthy" or whatever?

The problem with waiting for someone to demonstrate their worth before you open up to them is that you're withholding yourself from them and making them do all the work. I wouldn't take that approach.

Thank you so much this was really helpful and I guess what I was looking for <3