How to deal with a visit to the psychologist?

[Milon]

Onyrica, I get what you're saying about The Nothing. (And yes, that's the English translation for it.) I was tempted to tell you what I thought the core of The Nothing is, but since you've said you didn't want to be told, I'll hold me tongue. Just know that I have a Nothing of my own (I call it the Black Hole), and I've been digging into it for years now.

As for pills... my problem with pills is that there's a record of people in my family who depended on them. They eventually became dependent and now they live on those.
I've always 'prided' myself on being stronger than them (maybe it's a bit of an egocentric aproach, I know) and so if I saw myself 'reduced' to taking pills I would feel very powerless and defeated. I know I might need them - I just want to try everything I can before it comes down to that.

But aye, I don't completly reject the idea. I just want to be ok. If it means having to medicate myself, of course I wont avoid it~

I'm glad you don't reject the idea of pills. I'm leery of pills myself, but I've got a wonderful friend who had fairly extreme ADHD. She absolutely could not focus on anything, but had such a wonderful creative energy. She went on meds for a couple months (years?) during school, and learned what it felt like to focus. She then dropped the meds, and hasn't needed them since. She simply learned how to handle things without them. But they may be a useful starting point.

 

[Onyrica]

Again (and I'm getting repetitive!) thank you all. I'm very much appreciating all the support you're giving me. Normally I wouldn't even have thought of coming to a forum to say these things, but lately I'm on such low grounds that I couldn't care enough to stop myself. However, the feedback's been much better than I expected, so I'm honestly grateful.

As for what Dylan suggested: in Spain, unless you want to pay, you get stuck with the therapist they give you. So, for now, I'm going to try this. If it doesn't work, I'll just have a dig in my savings.

However, I have the hope and trust that it'll work out... or enough to make me keep walking from whatever insight she gives. I still pride myself on being a strong person who has always sorted herself out on her own. The fact that now I can't seem to doesn't mean I wont be able to do it again. Or so I hope!

Anyway, I found this sound while browsing on Spotify and, after listening to it a few times in a row, it's strangely lifted a bit of the burden tonight. I feel better, so I thought I'd share it and hope you like ^^

[YOUTUBE]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wT8lNI38z5M&hl=es&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wT8lNI38z5M&hl=es&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/YOUTUBE]

 

[poeticinfp]

Maybe I have been unlucky but my experience with counselling/therapists have not been very good. For one thing, I'm a very introspective person (as infx types tend to be) and I did not need an outsider to help me probe the depths of my mind. So there weren't any sub-conscious issues that I wasn't aware of, and the therapist wasn't useful in that regard.

Also, no amount of advice they gave was useful because I had heard it ALL before. I even came up with some of them myself. But ultimately that feeling of emptiness still persisted, no matter how much advice, proverbs or aphorisms I got from outside.

I have therefore concluded that in this specific case (a complex, deep emptiness), the solution ultimately has to come from within.

Now, this would differ from people to people. What would work for some won't work for others. You have to use all that self-awareness and self-knowledge and grab on to the thing that makes you feel alive. Use that as a starting point towards finding what would ultimately help your situation.


Ok, I was really hesitant to post this, because I am afraid of discouraging someone from counselling if it would actually help them. Maybe the OP's situation is one where counselling would be useful.

But from what I understand about Onyrica's case and from my own experiences, it seems like people who are introspective, and self-aware dont benefit as much from counselling (especially the therapists who only ask you talk, talk, talk)

Like the OP, I am also wary of medication, and have never taken them. I certainly see how they can be useful for many people (like people with anxiety or ADHD) but, again, in this specific case, I don't think medication would be able to help.

 

[anica]

Yes, pretty much. Of course - and I supose you'll agree - it goes far beyond saying "I feel empty". It's a very complex thing, painful at times even.

For me, put in simple terms, it kind of feels like the 'inability' to be happy, to feel joy, to feel strong emotions. It's like I'm always wearing a veil that covers half the light. Or like the machinery that allows emotions to flow being broken.

I spoke about it with a friend and, trying to make him understand, I used the 'Neverending story' as a reference. If you've read it, you'll know that Nothingness consumed the land of Fantasy (these were the spanish terms in the book, don't know if they were the same in english). That's much how I feel - like I've got two people in me, one being the 'normal' person, one being the Nothing person. The Normal one is able to feel, be happy, be sad, be angry, be everything. The Nothing one just doesn't feel. And right now, I'm a blend of both. I 'feel', but never enough. And it's very, very stressing.

Ahh.... I'm so dramatic.

But anyway, yes, I know what you mean, if I didn't make it clear enough~ xD

This sounds like anhedonia, or an inability to experience pleasure, to me. I find it to be one of the most painful aspects of depression, so, no, I don't think you're being dramatic at all, especially if this has persisted for several years.

I'm very glad you're seeing a psychologist and that the first visit went well. It's a first step and I wish you Godspeed on your journey.

 

[MindYourHead]

For me, put in simple terms, it kind of feels like the 'inability' to be happy, to feel joy, to feel strong emotions. It's like I'm always wearing a veil that covers half the light. Or like the machinery that allows emotions to flow being broken.

Onyrica, I think many of us feel that way, know that you are not alone.
I like your description of wearing a veil. Boy, have I felt that!

Good luck to you!

Also, no amount of advice they gave was useful because I had heard it ALL before. I even came up with some of them myself. But ultimately that feeling of emptiness still persisted, no matter how much advice, proverbs or aphorisms I got from outside.

I felt the same way about a therapist I saw for a short time.

I finally told her that she didn't tell me anything that my barber couldn't have told me, and it would have only cost $15.00 and a tip.

But, then again, if I were to shop around I am sure I would find someone who is a better fit for me.

 

[CoffeeShopDiva]

But from what I understand about Onyrica's case and from my own experiences, it seems like people who are introspective, and self-aware dont benefit as much from counselling (especially the therapists who only ask you talk, talk, talk)

I felt the same way about the counsellors I saw as well. They were both deeply rooted in Humanistic / Person Centred Therapy in which theoretically talking about an in issue will allow the client to come to their own solutions. But, I also found that everything I talked to them about was something I'd already thought about at length, so I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. But, then I eventually ended up with a psychiatrist instead. And, she was absolutely amazing. She had much more active suggestions for me, and she also seemed to really get to know me in a short amount of time. And, she even got to the root of one of my deepest fears without me ever mentioning it to her. I was impressed, and I really found her helpful! So - I suppose I'm trying to say that hope is out there?

 

[sassafras]

There's no perfect form of therapy for these sorts of things. There's preferred forms of therapy. Whether you visit a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a counselor, or a self-help book, the therapy itself is only as good as your commitment to it.

You could be in therapy for years and years, with very little changing; you can have all the knowledge and the skills you need to face the issue, but never use them. The truth of the matter is, if you're not 100% ready to let go of old patterns, and shed the part of you that, on some subconscious level not only identifies with but secretly derives pleasure from where you are at the moment, no matter what you try or who you see, it won't work.

In my experience, you only get your butt moving once you're faced with the harrowing premonition of what the future holds for you if you choose to continue on this path.

The trick is letting yourself experience that true fear and that vision as vividly and lucidly as possible.

 

[Onyrica]

You could be in therapy for years and years, with very little changing; you can have all the knowledge and the skills you need to face the issue, but never use them. The truth of the matter is, if you're not 100% ready to let go of old patterns, and shed the part of you that, on some subconscious level not only identifies with but secretly derives pleasure from where you are at the moment, no matter what you try or who you see, it won't work.

I'm trully amazed by how well you have seen into this. I was going to write this down as one of my problems when I read your post and simply stared in awe at the fact that you pinpointed it so well. My (not so daring) hat off to you~

In regards to that, well... you're right, as said. I'm very self-aware of many things in me, even unpleasant things. I know my problems, I know the roots, I know the patterns (even if some claim them to be subconscious and impossible to know) and I've got everything laid down on the table, waiting to get fixed. The problem? That somehow, I can't. I'm unable to. Everything's ready, so why wont I find the will to change it?

A part of me realized that it's because a small, twisted, horrible chunk kind of 'enjoys' this type of pain. It's so twisted that I can't even understand it. It doesn't literally enjoy it, but it kind of feeds on it, fuels itself with it. It's hard to explain without giving some sort of background or making an analogy, which I expect to do once I feel ready to open up a blog.

Talking about which, after my visit next friday to the psychologist, I'd like to make a blog talking about the progress on this. I feel it could be good for me to finally sit down and write everything clearly and organize my thoughts on 'paper', and also good for those who can relate or are wanting to visit the psychologist on similar issues.

Or just to flatter myself into making people read my ramblings, who cares~ xD

So yes, keep the insights and comments coming. They're really helpful and sometimes, like aforementioned, trully surprising. They make it so much easier to express myself and know I'll be understood.

 

[Deleted member 1391]

I seem to be unable to speak unless asked precise questions.

Just tell them that, and they'll try to work with it.

Unless they're crap at their job.

 

[arbygil]

All of the advice others have given you is absolutely sound and on point. I've seen counselors off and on through the years, and each one has been unique in his or her own way. I also feel you need to understand all aspects of your personality: The physical, the mental, *and* the spiritual. As INFJs we've got a unique connection to the spiritual, and ignoring that side of ourselves can also lead to depression.

Find the person you can talk to best. I think the "hole" you're feeling could be a sense of purpose or destiny, especially since you're 21 now. I think you'll find the direction you need to go...just keep going forward.