How do relationships usually end for you? | INFJ Forum

How do relationships usually end for you?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Altruistic Muse, Aug 25, 2009.

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  1. Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    When I split up with someone, or they dump me, I usually find it easiest just to shut them out altogether. Having to see them or text them is just an unwelcome reminder of the feelings that I had for them and the happy memories. Or if it's a bitter ending it just makes me think of all the bad stuff and makes me angry. I find it difficult to move on if I have to think about this stuff all the time.

    What about you guys? Is it important to stay friends with loved ones, or do you find that it's easier to cut and run for your sanity?
     
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    #1 Altruistic Muse, Aug 25, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  2. Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    I like to keep my crushes who have turned me down as friends. I think it's just nicer to keep a friendship with the person you were quite close to.

    Although, sometimes it is easier for us to cut people out, it depends on how much hurt we experienced because of them.
     
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  3. Neva

    Neva Regular Poster

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    For me, it depends on how much I was close to that person. If the relationship ended in a hurtful way, I'd rather cut them out of my life for good. It's hard to move on, but I think time is the best healer for situations like that rather than keeping in touch with a person that gets you angry/disgusted whenever you hear from them. As for friends I had crushes for, I could just be attracted to them and it wouldn't be something serious. So, crushes for me don't really last if the person I care about doesn't feel the same way about me too. Thus, I wouldn't let a friend go when there's no reason to back off from our friendship.
     
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  4. encrypted

    encrypted Newbie

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    i broke up with an infj partner only because she kept so much from me , i felt as if she wanted me to so she didnt have to do it. I really did like her though, i am here to figure out how you infj's operate undercover lol because you just wont tell in person
     
  5. OP
    Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    That's sad to hear encrypted. Sometimes people, regardless of type, do that pushing away thing so they don't have to be the one that does the hurting. I try to avoid that as much as possible. Do you have any specific questions to ask?
     
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  6. Sithious

    Sithious Well-known member

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    Welcome to the forums :)
     
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  7. encrypted

    encrypted Newbie

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    yeah.. umm, i like infj's even though many intj's find your type very infuriating, i have learned to except a difference and what it is, a difference.. but because there are so many aspects of the infj that i truly enjoy, id like to find another one .. lol not to say that this person i find will not have a very unique personality indeed. but the way that i react to an infj is enjoyable.. the the best part is they dont have to do anything they wouldnt to on their own.. i just have a good time being around that type
     
  8. Neva

    Neva Regular Poster

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    Yeah, I don't think we open up so easily as other people do. As for me, I have to REALLY trust and be close to someone, then I'll feel secure enough to tell them anything or what's on my mind. A huge part of that I think is that I don't find a lot of people could understand INFJs, not because we're hard to understand, but it's because we're the deep emotional type and so, it's hard for ourselves (or at least me) to show my emotions easily or share what I really need/want from a person unless they know me well or we're really close (so, they could understand me without having me to say too much or by looking at my eyes or from my body gestures/body language). :m054:
     
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  9. encrypted

    encrypted Newbie

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    where do i find infj's .. your so rare!! even more so than my type even.. its like trying to find a freakin leprechaun ..
     
  10. encrypted

    encrypted Newbie

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    yeah, that was a big problem too.. she would lock up on me.. and believe me, i dont share my emotions with anyone.. most the time , i dont really feel them long enough to explain them thoroughly , but when i did , i shared them with her, and she would assume that i would hurt her in some way if she did.. i found that very offensive. she would always claim that i dont even know her, but she would never tell me what it was that i didnt know. i would spend so much of my time tyring to figure out what she meant.. it made me upset so i broke up with her, i figured perhaps she didnt think i was worth telling.
     
  11. Neva

    Neva Regular Poster

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    Aww, well did you ever ask her? I mean, did you try talking it over with her?
     
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  12. sassafras

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    Looking back, I think I generally ended all my relationships on amicable terms and then we never did get around to the agreed 'just friends' stage of things. Other than the a few, polite conversations that followed after accidentally running into one another, neither would put in much effort.

    Mind you, that's what makes the situation with my last boyfriend so unique. We ended things, and then the very next moment (literally) went on to being friends. He actually puts in the effort to keep in contact with me every day and considers me his best friend. This has really thrown me off, but we'll see how this goes. He's going to a different province for law school in t-minus five days. We'll see how this arrangement holds up.

    My two earliest relationships, admittedly, did not end as gracefully.
     
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    #12 sassafras, Aug 25, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  13. encrypted

    encrypted Newbie

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    trust me, its a natural function for the intj to trouble shoot. i could trouble shoot for days on end... it seemed to be that the more i asked the more crowded she felt.. which i totally understood so i would leave her to her own devices.. and it worked slightly. in person, she talked to me like i was trying to sell her something she didnt want, but she would still sit with me, or be affectionate. it always made my head turn like a confused dog lol, but she was sweet and smart and i would just keep my mouth shut when i made her mad or something because i know i would just upset her..

    the funny thing about infjs / intj relationship .. she would lecture me and curse me out.. but i never said a negative word in return.. your type certainly does feel a lot. do you keep from most of society because of that sensitivity ?
     
  14. sassafras

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    Sounds like she was just very insecure about your relationship. Or insecure in general.

    *chuckles at some of the word choices describing an INTJ*

    Yeah, seems like she was definitely insecure. And only asking her about it put her on the spot and made her retreat back into her shell further. I get the impression that maybe she really didn't believe you when you were expressing your feelings. I know sometimes when I get overly sensitive about something, I mistaken abject paranoia for an overloaded intuition and start seeing things that aren't there.

    Furthermore, some of us have preconceived notions of what relationships (especially) are supposed to look and feel like. If they're not close to our ideal, we tend to create problems for ourselves. Sometimes we just need reassurance that our partners still care.
     
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    #14 sassafras, Aug 25, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  15. OP
    Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    I've had a few people not understand me, and the one person who did was so complex that I couldn't understand him. There's no end of frustration in this. Sometimes you just let it be because you like spending time with that person and you're wishing that they did understand you but someimes it hits you and you think what's the point.

    The ex who I didn't get would block me out as you describe above. He was an INTP, but very high on the N, the most intuitive person I have ever met. But he just got it into his head over time that I didn't understand him, and seemed to me to purposefully make things more complicated, or say I was wrong about things when I was sure I was right just to confuse me. There were a lot of mind games there. So I think I know how you feel with this. If she felt you didn't get her, nothing was going to change that.
     
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  16. BenW

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    My last one ended, evidently, because I cared way more about it than she did.
    Neither of us had any ambition to remain friends.
     
    #16 BenW, Aug 25, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2009
  17. encrypted

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    yeah.. i realized that after a while.. but it was really sad because i if she wanted me to just shut up , i would of .. i just wanted her to tell me what made her happy so i could make her happy.. Feelings are my Achilles heel for the most part. but i felt like she could at least understand that and fill me in on what i didnt know, its not my fault i became this way. i just missed out on a lot of emotional things growing up..doesnt mean im incapable of truly understanding and learning . loving to learning is a trait we both shared i thought she would see that i was willing to do that for her.
     
  18. OP
    Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    It's a shame :( But I've thought about this a lot and I do think there's an element of fear as well. If someone spends their whole life not being understood, and suddenly someone comes along with the potential to get them, there is a bit of a fear of the unknown. Maybe she blocked you out because she's used to being an enigma and that's what she likes. My ex called me the least intuitive person he'd ever met. This just is plainly not true. I guess by understand some people see that as a slight on their individuality or what makes them then. Maybe she just wasn't ready to be part of a couple and to give you a part of herself at that time.
     
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  19. encrypted

    encrypted Newbie

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    but.. thats why i am here. i want to hang out with you guys here and learn about you so the next time i find one, i can communicate better, i apparently have a natural eye for finding your type in a crowd . always with the shifty eyes when your around people (thinking? )sharing about expressing experiences and feelings.. where as , i have the shifty eyes when i experience a problem or situation i can strategize on.. usually when a feeling is experienced im not paying attention to anything logical, so naturally , my eyes wonder about and spot you infj's doing your thing. its makes me smile because i feel connected with that behavior even though its for different reasons that we are stimulated that way. i still can relate with the excitement and intrigue .
     
  20. encrypted

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    yeah, i suspected that as well.. she could of at least told me this, i wouldnt of freaked out.. i told her my type in hopes that she would at least investigate and know what to generally expect.. but i guess that doesnt sound very romantic at all right lol
     
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