How do I remain who I am? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

How do I remain who I am?

Take time to be aware of your body in moments of chaos. Close your eyes breathe & smile. Then you can chuckle at all the craziness around you. :)
You simply have to breathe to be you. Just be. You're doing fine. Overthinking & worry are your enemies. Start over tomorrow, then repeat the next day.
 
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FamineGT said:
I think the same way. At times it does bother me, but other times it's just who I am and I accept it because it feels natural to me as well. ^^

Echoing some of the other comments regarding how your friends see/think of you, I find that sometimes we can be our own harshest critic and friends are just happy with who we are. Sometimes you do have to set limits as to how much you will do for friends and once they understand that, those that remain are your true friends. Also, Morgain's mention about balance is pretty much spot on. ^^
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Glad you agree. ( <---- I could have omitted this. Only an INFJ would feel it necessary to insert this.)

You're right. When I quit accommodating, the "real" friends started to seek me, and I started understanding which friends I really thought were worth pursuing. (not that everyone else is useless and harsh, but there's just no mutual tug-and-pull in the others). Drawing the boundaries of what I will do to accommodate has definitely allowed me space to ask myself what I want. Even my own expectations seem to arise from society/family-driven "goals" for me. In typical INFJ fashion, I really have no career goals as such, but society wants me to have them. Do I want to be a loser in society's standards? No. If I want to see who I am (what I want to do for the long term or at any given time), would I care what everyone else thinks? No. So do I want to befriend those who place such expectations on me (even though I can't stand disapproval/disharmony)? No.

Interestingly mutually loyal friends tend to be ISFJ - all of whom have always been loyal to me even when I wasn't very interactive with them. (I'm not loyal to all INFJs or INFPs, so befriend me at your own risk! If you're ISTJ, you probably risk every interaction anyway, so have at it... :w: )
 
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knight in battle said:
Interestingly mutually loyal friends tend to be ISFJ - all of whom have always been loyal to me even when I wasn't very interactive with them. (I'm not loyal to all INFJs or INFPs, so befriend me at your own risk! If you're ISTJ... :w: )
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I've noticed that certain friends of mine will do this as well. I'm not the greatest with keeping in touch with people but there will be certain friends who will call just to see how I'm doing and whether I want to meet up with them or not (I haven't determined what their types are).

Society and family have also imposed their own goals for me as well. I'll react in various ways and in the end, I wind up doing my own thing. My current goal right now is to survive and be self-sufficient. Friends are welcome to come and go as they please.
:m043:
 
knight in battle said:
The more I'm around my usual friends, the more constrained I feel. I've been spending a lot more time alone - away from critical/unaffirming people and away from people who I don't feel free around.
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Can you elaborate on this? Are your usual friends extremely critical and fault finding of yourself to the point of trying to change who you are as a person? If so, then it sounds like you need new friends or you need to get rid of the "friends" who're responsible for that behavior.
 
Grey Wolf said:
I'm struggling with this myself right now. I have to spend almost everyday with people I dont trust, who will stab me in the back and dont get to see my friends face to face that often anymore. everyday is a struggle and I find myself becoming more cynical, negative and selfish. But when I get every chance to get away from all that I do get away and I feel better, even if its for a while.
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Yikes, where do you people meet these untrustworthy "friends" in your life?

Seriously, to anyone who's having problems with manipulative/controlling/vindictive/overly critical "friends" why do you still hang around them?
 
FamineGT said:
I'm not the greatest with keeping in touch with people but there will be certain friends who will call just to see how I'm doing and whether I want to meet up with them or not (I haven't determined what their types are).

Society and family have also imposed their own goals for me as well. I'll react in various ways and in the end, I wind up doing my own thing. My current goal right now is to survive and be self-sufficient. Friends are welcome to come and go as they please.
:m043:
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I'm sure some of your friends are so much part of your personal "fabric" that you don't find it necessary to type them. Isn't it great to have such friends? It seems that some people just welcome the kind of interaction I put forth.

Self-sufficiency and survival are just what any strong Fe needs. The world feels like a violent taskmaster (translation for Se's: "irresponsible, disruptive, rowdy"... get my drift? :w: ).
 
MisterNi said:
Can you elaborate on this? Are your usual friends extremely critical and fault finding of yourself to the point of trying to change who you are as a person? If so, then it sounds like you need new friends or you need to get rid of the "friends" who're responsible for that behavior.
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They are not directly, personally fault finding, but there is an obvious expectation of who I "should" be. I certainly have a responsibility to myself to find new friends. Modifying my behavior to fit into a group of friends is just no fun. I'd rather we become drawn to each other one by one... after I've learned to be myself freely.
 
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knight in battle said:
In the book, Please Understand Me, it says that INFJs are most vulnerable to having their archetypal material eroded. My question is, How do I become more genuine if I feel such a great need to bond with, help, mentor, and nurture others while also living outside of their expectations? The more I'm around my usual friends, the more constrained I feel. I've been spending a lot more time alone - away from critical/unaffirming people and away from people who I don't feel free around.
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INFJs are a complex mix of needs.

At the core you will always be independent. Always be the sum of your experiences, that is the nature of leading with your intution, you arent just 1 thing and remain that, you grow possibly more than anyone else around you. Because you are a black hole and suck all the feelings, lessons, data into you and assimilate it into who and what you are. As a result you will always be yourself, but you must embrace the pains of growth and allow other people to come into your life and influence you. You alone will know what is worth keeping inside of you and what is not. All the best stuff about me is a mix of someone elses influences on who and what I have already been.

As a result you will be very unique, your personality will be the most fluid internally, and thats ok.

My advice is to let go and let people in. When you tire, take a break. Recharge and hit it again. We are learners by nature, not learners of dry facts unless they are relevant to us, but learners of people and people systems. It is via people we build ourselves. For every life you touch, their life touches you. That is the duality of an INFJs nature. Accept this and accept that growth will be both pain and joy. The best we can hope for is bittersweet. And in a way that makes us the most naturally realist types around. Because we know the nature of bittersweet deeply since we tend to form our ideals early, then adapt new ones as we go. As such we are used to the idea of being let down consistently, we have the most broken hearts of all the types... if you can learn to express this pain, it is the most beautiful to those we allow to view it. Be an existentialist.
 
Billy said:
Always be the sum of your experiences, that is the nature of leading with your intution, you arent just 1 thing and remain that, you grow possibly more than anyone else around you.
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This seems sad....yet this should ironically make me feel connected to the rest of humanity.
It is also fun to know that I don't stay stuck with one influence but desire to absorb a variety of people's experiences... and not necessarily being limited to one social system.

Billy said:
As a result you will be very unique, your personality will be the most fluid internally, and thats ok.
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Perhaps this fluidity is just who I am... a mirror that I use in the way I was designed to use it, to change myself and society.
Billy said:
When you tire, take a break. Recharge and hit it again. We are learners by nature, not learners of dry facts unless they are relevant to us, but learners of people and people systems. It is via people we build ourselves. For every life you touch, their life touches you.
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After two years of "hitting it", I've been taking a very long break. I do love learning from being touched by lives.

Billy said:
As such we are used to the idea of being let down consistently, we have the most broken hearts of all the types... if you can learn to express this pain, it is the most beautiful to those we allow to view it. Be an existentialist.
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Very sad. I offer my bittersweet pain to the lives I touch.
 
MisterNi said:
Yikes, where do you people meet these untrustworthy "friends" in your life?

Seriously, to anyone who's having problems with manipulative/controlling/vindictive/overly critical "friends" why do you still hang around them?
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ahh.. for me I have no choice HAHA. The army doesnt exactly let you choose your bunk mates haha. at least now I've shifted bunk and some of the people I know better are here and they're wayyyy nicer haha
 
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

:D
 
I don't really understand what you mean by "living outside your friends' expectations." They're your friends because they only expect so much from you and that is enough to make them happy and vice versa... I would see an issue about living inside your friends' expectations...

I know I personally give myself away emotionally/mentally and ppl don't always realize the energy required. I worry about this and that, care about ppl's feelings/emotions, plain being nice for nice sake, and keep myself in mind as well. So I often find that I need to make time for myself or else I'll lose myself and become unstable about the present. I do not resent that part of myself, it is who I am and there's no need to change that. I just think it's important to take things slowly and don't expect too much from yourself. It's also nice to remember to take care of yourself because you are just as important as anyone else.
 
iworkforcookies said:
I don't really understand what you mean by "living outside your friends' expectations." They're your friends because they only expect so much from you and that is enough to make them happy and vice versa... I would see an issue about living inside your friends' expectations...
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In order to hang out with friends, there are unspoken limitations on behaviors, opinions, etc. While there is a range of behavior that can be eccentric on my part, it is necessary to live within these limitations when explicitly interacting with them for my own sanity's sake and to prevent rejection. This is where I must question whether these people - despite being of regular and close association - are really true friends if I do not feel free to express myself around them.

iworkforcookies said:
I know I personally give myself away emotionally/mentally and ppl don't always realize the energy required. I worry about this and that, care about ppl's feelings/emotions, plain being nice for nice sake, and keep myself in mind as well. So I often find that I need to make time for myself or else I'll lose myself and become unstable about the present. I do not resent that part of myself, it is who I am and there's no need to change that. I just think it's important to take things slowly and don't expect too much from yourself. It's also nice to remember to take care of yourself because you are just as important as anyone else.
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Same here. There came a time when I no longer gave a fuck. I just behaved as the stoical, esoteric, spaced out self that I really am. If I can't be free to behave in certain ways, I can at least feel free to distance myself psychologically from people. Resentment.... exactly - I know when I have extended myself to people more than I mentally have the energy for, I get really angry. Yes, exactly. Even if I never change certain aspects of myself that might be unsociable, it's still okay. For a long time, I really didn't understand what people meant by "taking care of myself". I understand that now to be more than just taking time to do things I enjoy; it also means shutting myself down socially and being in my own world of thoughts when I am in a social setting, even if people think I'm an insecure, arrogant, ivory-tower, psychologically unstable loser.
 
knight in battle said:
In order to hang out with friends, there are unspoken limitations on behaviors, opinions, etc. While there is a range of behavior that can be eccentric on my part, it is necessary to live within these limitations when explicitly interacting with them for my own sanity's sake and to prevent rejection. This is where I must question whether these people - despite being of regular and close association - are really true friends if I do not feel free to express myself around them.
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I think that's true about the unspoken limitations, but that's probably true in general society. It's just a way that people act and function to work efficiently. But if you have good open minded friends then I'd highly doubt you'll ever do anything that you desire that's outrageous to them. I guess it depends on what you want to express (you don't want to shave your friend's head for fun right? or tattoo them in their sleep..), but as far as friends go I still think good friends accept you for the range of things you are or will ever be.
 
I have found the more genuine you are when interacting with people then the closer those relationships become. There are some "friends" whom I have lost in the past because said "friend" thought that I was a bit off or this or that...but screw him/her...my question is why are you pining over how to fit in with those "friends" with so much energy? If you can't change yourself then change the world...(thethe quote btw)....find some friends who appreciate you.
 
Yeah....easy right.....I moved up to the Portland area 2 years ago....let's see....friends....hmmmm...
 
That would require me to go out and be social.....yeah....
 
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