[INFJ] How can I stop thinking about someone?

[Yva]

I've been thinking about a guy for 4 months now and to me that is far to long. It is getting more and more intense and I want it to stop now before it becomes a problem. Don't want the loser seeing how emotionally unstable I am. I need serious advice please.

 

[bionic]

Maybe ask yourself WHY you can't stop thinking about them? What is it about them that you're drawn to?

 

[Erlian]

The most effective way to stop thinking about someone is to get him out of your life.
Cease all contact, both virtual and real. Remove all things that will remind you of him. If they can't be removed, change them or overwrite them with new memories.

Now for some reason I think that's not possible because you're somehow connected to the same school/college/uni and share some classes. And I also think that you don't want to stop seeing him, you just want to stop obsessing.
If I'm right about that, my above advice would be a bit too drastic. Let me try a more subtle approach.

One approach is like the one above. Limit contact. Remove him on facebook if possible, certainly don't stalk his pictures or whatever.
Occupy your mind with something else. Take up a new hobby or intensify an old one. Go out and make new friends (ow wait, we're introverts here, nvm. I'd still advice you to try!).
Do fun stuff. Learn something new. Improve a skill. Whatever it is that can keep your mind busy and away from him.

The second approach is bolder, quicker and riskier.
Approach him. Get to know him. Be realistic, see that he also has bad sides. If you just look at him from a distance, you're just going to obsess over his confidence, jawline or wittyness.
If you get to know him better and he's still awesome, try and ask him out. If he's that awesome, why not try to get something going? Try and get what you're obsessing over (if that's what your obsessing over?). If he refuses you, you know you tried and can't get it. This will eventually stop the obsessing.


Oh and to echo [MENTION=3799]bionic[/MENTION] 's question. You describe him as a loser. Why do you obsess over a loser?

 

[Sriracha]

You are underage, so nevermind.

 

[bionic]

You are underage, so nevermind.

19 is underage? Were you gonna suggest get under a new person?? lol

 

[Sriracha]

19 is underage? Were you gonna suggest get under a new person?? lol

I think I realize I'm up there with the forum geezers ... and therefore, my advice is null.

 

[bionic]

I think I realize I'm up there with the forum geezers ... and therefore, my advice is null.

No you're not! And now you got me sooo curious.

 

[Yva]

The most effective way to stop thinking about someone is to get him out of your life.
Cease all contact, both virtual and real. Remove all things that will remind you of him. If they can't be removed, change them or overwrite them with new memories.

Now for some reason I think that's not possible because you're somehow connected to the same school/college/uni and share some classes. And I also think that you don't want to stop seeing him, you just want to stop obsessing.
If I'm right about that, my above advice would be a bit too drastic. Let me try a more subtle approach.

One approach is like the one above. Limit contact. Remove him on facebook if possible, certainly don't stalk his pictures or whatever.
Occupy your mind with something else. Take up a new hobby or intensify an old one. Go out and make new friends (ow wait, we're introverts here, nvm. I'd still advice you to try!).
Do fun stuff. Learn something new. Improve a skill. Whatever it is that can keep your mind busy and away from him.

The second approach is bolder, quicker and riskier.
Approach him. Get to know him. Be realistic, see that he also has bad sides. If you just look at him from a distance, you're just going to obsess over his confidence, jawline or wittyness.
If you get to know him better and he's still awesome, try and ask him out. If he's that awesome, why not try to get something going? Try and get what you're obsessing over (if that's what your obsessing over?). If he refuses you, you know you tried and can't get it. This will eventually stop the obsessing.


Oh and to echo [MENTION=3799]bionic[/MENTION] 's question. You describe him as a loser. Why do you obsess over a loser?

Now as an INFJ you know trying to find something else to occupy my mind is hard. Im always thinking .... Ill find ways to do so.

I describe him as a loser because I'm angry and also because he like to assume to much and that to me is shallow.... that's why. I'm can be very irrational at times. I probably need to follow your advice, Thank you.

 

[cvp12gh5]

Lobotomy.

 

[Artisan]

I've been thinking about a guy for 4 months now and to me that is far to long. It is getting more and more intense and I want it to stop now before it becomes a problem. Don't want the loser seeing how emotionally unstable I am. I need serious advice please.

The most effective way is:
Doorslam him, Wipe all contact information so you cannot contact him.
Drown yourself in books, anime, series, movies and video games.
Break, sour and poison all the thoughts you have of him.

Else, you should attempt Erlian's advice.

 

[Erlian]

Now as an INFJ you know trying to find something else to occupy my mind is hard. Im always thinking .... Ill find ways to do so.

I describe him as a loser because I'm angry and also because he like to assume to much and that to me is shallow.... that's why. I'm can be very irrational at times. I probably need to follow your advice, Thank you.

I'm on exchange and there's an INFJ girl in my new friends group. She's all environmental and doesn't eat meat if she doesn't know its origin. I do happily eat all the bad meat and we discuss the topic sometimes. When we first did she was surprised about how well I knew about it and that I knew that it's bad for the environment. She was visibly upset that I still ate the bad meat knowing it's bad for the environment. We argued a lot that night and kept trying to make stupid jokes about the other. There was so much (attractive) tension, I loved it. She joked about just talking to other people, because I was being annoying. She didn't though, we just kept on arguing. A bit later we did stop and we didn't talk much the rest of the night.
I guess/hope she shares your opinion. I'm the idiot who always thinks he's right, yet that's somehow quite attractive
I like her because she challenges what I say. Most people just take it for granted if I say something.

I like to assume a lot too. Let me explain that perspective. I assume a lot. I make a lot of guesses. But if you prove me wrong, I'll change my assumptions.
People that never express their assumptions will never have their assumptions checked. Only if I share what I assume, others can teach me what is right. This is the way I learn.

 

[Scientia]

I've been thinking about a guy for 4 months now and to me that is far to long. It is getting more and more intense and I want it to stop now before it becomes a problem. Don't want the loser seeing how emotionally unstable I am. I need serious advice please.

Focus on any negative parts of his personality and any behavior you have seen that is unattractive. [MENTION=12103]Erlian[/MENTION] had some good advice.

 

[housel]

You're missing the feeling you had not the person..

 

[Yva]

I'm on exchange and there's an INFJ girl in my new friends group. She's all environmental and doesn't eat meat if she doesn't know its origin. I do happily eat all the bad meat and we discuss the topic sometimes. When we first did she was surprised about how well I knew about it and that I knew that it's bad for the environment. She was visibly upset that I still ate the bad meat knowing it's bad for the environment. We argued a lot that night and kept trying to make stupid jokes about the other. There was so much (attractive) tension, I loved it. She joked about just talking to other people, because I was being annoying. She didn't though, we just kept on arguing. A bit later we did stop and we didn't talk much the rest of the night.
I guess/hope she shares your opinion. I'm the idiot who always thinks he's right, yet that's somehow quite attractive
I like her because she challenges what I say. Most people just take it for granted if I say something.

I like to assume a lot too. Let me explain that perspective. I assume a lot. I make a lot of guesses. But if you prove me wrong, I'll change my assumptions.
People that never express their assumptions will never have their assumptions checked. Only if I share what I assume, others can teach me what is right. This is the way I learn.

He sounds exactly like you. It's weird that I challenge what he says as well.

 

[Erlian]

He sounds exactly like you. It's weird that I challenge what he says as well.

If you really want to take distance, stop doing that. Let him be with his claims. Just ignore.

But to defend him (as I'm now being compared to him ), is he really shallow?
For me there's also a huge difference between assuming something in a discussion and actually believing it.
I'm incredibly critical of my beliefs and I actively seek to prove myself wrong. I can spend hours on the internet searching for arguments against my beliefs.
But I'll always assume and express what I believe to be true to that point. I'm quite convinced of most of my beliefs, because I checked them well.

Then I spray my beliefs and claims of truth, even if they're weak. The goal of this is that even more people can check them and teach me better beliefs. That way I can improve them.
If I never make claims or assumptions and I never share them, how can I ever find good ones?

I can't promise that he uses the same justification for spraying his claims around, maybe he's just a know-it-all who isn't willing to change his beliefs.

 

[Yva]

If you really want to take distance, stop doing that. Let him be with his claims. Just ignore.

But to defend him (as I'm now being compared to him ), is he really shallow?
For me there's also a huge difference between assuming something in a discussion and actually believing it.
I'm incredibly critical of my beliefs and I actively seek to prove myself wrong. I can spend hours on the internet searching for arguments against my beliefs.
But I'll always assume and express what I believe to be true to that point. I'm quite convinced of most of my beliefs, because I checked them well.

Then I spray my beliefs and claims of truth, even if they're weak. The goal of this is that even more people can check them and teach me better beliefs. That way I can improve them.
If I never make claims or assumptions and I never share them, how can I ever find good ones?

I can't promise that he uses the same justification for spraying his claims around, maybe he's just a know-it-all who isn't willing to change his beliefs.

I completely understand now. Are you direct or reserve when you express yourself?

 

[Yva]

Focus on any negative parts of his personality and any behavior you have seen that is unattractive. [MENTION=12103]Erlian[/MENTION] had some good advice.

Yes. I am trying to do that as well as keeping my distance from him but I sense that he's hurt by it. Plus the boy is very headstrong! So far Erlian's advise on distracting myself when it gets intense is helping ....so far.

Did I mention that he is an extreme extrovert?

 

[Erlian]

I completely understand now. Are you direct or reserve when you express yourself?

I'm quite expressive.
My opinion, view or perspective in discussions. My love life. Everyone can/will know. I'm quite open.
And I'm direct too. I won't say anything that isn't true and have the strong urge to say truthful things if they can benefit the other (even if the other might not like hearing them).

When it comes to discussions I qualify as extravert. I'm fine with but don't gain energy from smalltalk.
Overall just on the side of the introvert. If there's something new to me, I need alone time to digest. I probably qualify best as ambivert or something.

A different question:
You said you want to stop obsessing so he doesn't see how 'emotionally unstable' you are.
Why?
Do you just want to get over him and leave him behind? (Obsession sucks and he's not worth your attention)
Or do you want to regain your cool so you can go back to him and be normal friends with possibility of more later? (Obsession hurts but he's worth your attention)

 

[Yva]

You said you want to stop obsessing so he doesn't see how 'emotionally unstable' you are.
Why?

I don't want to say or do anything that I will later regret. For example, blurt out how I feel about him or go as far as physically hurting him.

Do you just want to get over him and leave him behind? (Obsession sucks and he's not worth your attention)
Or do you want to regain your cool so you can go back to him and be normal friends with possibility of more later? (Obsession hurts but he's worth your attention)

I don't want to give him anymore attention. Knowing this hardhead he will do anything to get my attention, so pushing him away is not even an option and that is annoying.
If you were me what would you do?

 

[MrSquared]

Hello Yva,

My recommendation for "getting over" someone, is to honestly take a good hard look at their personality/traits/tendencies/etc and expound on what you like/dislike about them. This is best done privately via writing, or selectively with a trusted friend. Awhile back I was stuck on a girl that really didn't match me in either background or mentality. Only after I took the time to explore WHY I was stuck on her, did I realize that we we're both in similar social situations and thus I was looking for an understanding friend, as compared to a romantic relationship. During that time period, I wrote tons of things down and was (after about 3-4 months) able to overcome my hearts attraction to a person who was definitely not a good match for me.

Thus my TLDR summary for you is: Find a way to express yourself aloud (via writing or speech) so that your thoughts won't inhibit your ability to reason with your morals/values/goals/etc.

Hope this helps! hwell: