Giftedness never translating into social attractiveness

Agnostic Monk

Agnostic Monk

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Do you guys ever get the feeling that your gifts lead to people feeling both jealous and contemptuous of you, and never into them thinking you're cool and wanting to hang around with you? If so, why do you think that is?
 
I have often had people assume that I am full of myself and pretentious...which is the opposite of who I am...I really despise people who are egocentric. So I think that yes, there must be something I am exuding that is giving them that idea, because it certainly isn't me or how I think or behave. So perhaps it is easier to call me that than to admit that they are really jealous.
 
Maybe occasionally... but for the most part I think people do appreciate me for what I'm good at (friends do anyway).- I'm very selective about who I associate with...so it's not likely going to be any jealous types.

I think people generally like familiar things, if something is relatable/agreeable people are more apt to like you for it. Having common human conditions/burdens seems to bring us together, excelling at something doesn't make others gravitate to us (but having humility with those "gifts" just might).
 
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The harshest anyone gets about this type of thing to me sounds something like, "Geez, what haven't you done" or "damn overachiever." I'm not wired to think about if people "want" to hang out with me or not.
 
If by gifts you mean personality traits, I'm just not that charismatic and I don't usually initiate "fun" activities amongst the people I know. Hence, I don't think people identify me as a go-to person for hanging out and having a good time.
 
It depends. If someone is defined by or defines themselves by their giftedness, then they may exude a persona which evokes superiority or complexity, which some will find a turn off. People are sometimes intimidated or put off my people who excel at things or who seems to be better than average at something. They assume the person is not relatable. It can make them feel inferior or make them question their own talents or gifts in comparison.
 
Carrie said:
It depends. If someone is defined by or defines themselves by their giftedness, then they may exude a persona which evokes superiority or complexity, which some will find a turn off. People are sometimes intimidated or put off my people who excel at things or who seems to be better than average at something. They assume the person is not relatable. It can make them feel inferior or make them question their own talents or gifts in comparison.
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I think you hit the nail on the head there....
 
No, definitely not jealous. I've had two guys call me perfect before though and I hated it.
 
I know of only a few cases in which I sense jealousy for my gifts. The jealousy comes from certain scenarios in which I display affectionate, playful behavior that the person seems inhibited from displaying, as far as I can tell. INFPs tend to move past the barrier of giftedness, especially when they are obviously better off in some areas of life than I am. In the narrow contexts in which I am athletically gifted, there is also a general sense of psychological distance and fear of approach.
 
In a group setting or with a person whose mindset is influenced by groupthink, yes, I do not think they're necessarily jealous though.

My reasoning is because in a group, people are obviously not themselves. Proof of this is observing how they act differently with you or someone else alone then observing them in a group.

Because of this, "social norms" are established and our "gifts" are outside the norm because let's face it, our gift is hard to use in a group setting, it works better one-to-one.

Because of social norms, we are seen as unusual when we understand someone, talk with sincerity, or reach out to others.

Some of the common insults thrown at me as a result are:
-Gay
-Creepy
-Unusual
-Weird
-Too serious
 
Sir said:
My reasoning is because in a group, people are obviously not themselves. Proof of this is observing how they act differently with you or someone else alone then observing them in a group.
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Are they uncomfortable exhibiting certain behaviors around you?
 
knight in battle said:
Are they uncomfortable exhibiting certain behaviors around you?
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No, it's a common sociological observation that people will change the way they act around others to fit in.

But when some of them are alone with me, I'm warm and friendly and they respond positively to that.

Being that way in a group that isn't used to it or with an individual that does not think for himself gives the opposite result, such is the downside of social conditioning.
Luckily, I have a group of friends composed of individuals that I have taken the time to cultivate strong bonds with and am able to act the way I want without fear of being discriminated when all of us are together.
 
knight in battle said:
This is considered healthy?
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Depends on your definition of healthy. It's considered normal, though.

knight in battle said:
Are you a Rogerian theorist?
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I had to look that up. From reading the gist of it...I guess you could say so? But not by intention.
I really need to read up more on it before I can actually confirm.
It's interesting, I've never heard of this theory/method till now, thanks for introducing me to it.
 
Agnostic Monk said:
Do you guys ever get the feeling that your gifts lead to people feeling both jealous and contemptuous of you, and never into them thinking you're cool and wanting to hang around with you? If so, why do you think that is?
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No, however when people say something like that I immediately think they're overestimating and self-comforting.
 
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honour and nourish your gifts... but dont forget, there is something very special in just about almost everyone.
 
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The problem with looking at oneself as "giftedness' is that there is sometimes the tendency to believe that many people can't relate to you or understand you or that you're "special". This attitude is what many respond to rather than whether or not you're gifted. Also, too many people get too caught in thinking that gifted or highly intelligent means they know everything. They don't realise the limits to what they know or understand. So, they will think they are superior in some ways but not realise where they are ignorant or lack awareness in others. They are so caught up in what they know or are good at that they're not aware that there are gaps in their knowledge in other areas. Gifted in one thing doesn't mean you're gifted in everything.

Humility helps a little as well.
 
Carrie said:
The problem with looking at oneself as "giftedness' is that there is sometimes the tendency to believe that many people can't relate to you or understand you or that you're "special". This attitude is what many respond to rather than whether or not you're gifted. Also, too many people get too caught in thinking that gifted or highly intelligent means they know everything. They don't realise the limits to what they know or understand. So, they will think they are superior in some ways but not realise where they are ignorant or lack awareness in others. They are so caught up in what they know or are good at that they're not aware that there are gaps in their knowledge in other areas. Gifted in one thing doesn't mean you're gifted in everything.

Humility helps a little as well.
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+1 well said!
 
The thing is, when you show them your humility, they take it as "oh, so you're humble, too. Perfectly perfect, I hate you."

My question is, why is there a negative reaction instead of a positive one? I look around and see people being funny, smart and able and being liked for it, then when I do it I only get jealousy and contempt. I don't know, maybe it's a lost cause for an INFJ to even try to be social and popular.
 
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