Giftedness never translating into social attractiveness

[Skarekrow]

I don't seem to run into what I think is jealousy...ever since I was a child I have never felt as if I belonged to any group...even from as early as the 1st grade.
The older I got the worse it became...I didn't think I was better than anyone else, in fact there were many times when I felt like I was worthless and would tell my Mother that "I hate myself" I could never explain to her why...I wasn't overweight, wasn't teased by anyone anymore than the next kid...in fact I was a good looking kid, intelligent, good humored. I always hated repetative work in school...once I learned something I was ready to move on to the next thing...the fact that we had to do 50 or so of the same type of math problems drove me insane...I proved I could do it with the first 5...I don't need to do 45 more.
This got me in trouble a bit as you could imagine...and plus I was a sensitive kid, so getting in trouble really affected me. In Jr. High and then in HS I had several friends...but no one I would consider very close.
I distanced myself from the crowd...not because I didn't want to fit in...and I tried...and tried...there was always almost like an invisble wall that prevented me from being "normal". Not that I acted strange or anything...I did have more than a few admirers actually. At 19 I almost killed myself...I tried. Was in the hospital for a week...I tried, not because I was incredibly depressed...but because I felt like I was forever going to be alone, I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. To a 19 year old that is a scary realization. From then until now I spent years full of hatred for the people that made life and social behavior seem so easy...I was the one jealous of everyone else. A few years ago I started to understand that the hate was getting me nowhere, and in fact was detrimental to me. But here is the point of this story...
I have people who admire me...and there are others that think I am pretentious. I dislike people with over inflated egos very much.... I still feel like I don't belong, I feel misunderstood even when I express my feelings to people...it is almost as if they cannot believe what I am telling them plainly...I almost cannot describe it. Yes, I am gifted if many arenas as are many people...but I see distaste in people not jealousy...does that make sense? I'm rambling now I'll stop.
Just feel I'm the only sane person sometimes.
But then again if I were insane then maybe I would feel like that too.

 

[acd]

The thing is, when you show them your humility, they take it as "oh, so you're humble, too. Perfectly perfect, I hate you."

My question is, why is there a negative reaction instead of a positive one? I look around and see people being funny, smart and able and being liked for it, then when I do it I only get jealousy and contempt. I don't know, maybe it's a lost cause for an INFJ to even try to be social and popular.

I'm sorry, but maybe you are not entirely aware of how you come off. And no offense, but I doubt that you come across as humble to these people just based on the questions you are asking.
It's been said already and I do agree that maybe you come off as feeling superior. Honestly the first impression I got after reading the OP was that you did deep down, feel that you were gifted and therefore entitled to being liked.
No offense, but it seemed very self-centered. You asked--I'm just being honest.

I mean it's wonderful that you are able to appreciate your gifts. You should! But I just doubt that your gifts or talents are the reason why people don't like you.

Maybe you come off competitive.
If you want people to like you and appreciate you then you have to sincerely like and appreciate others and their gifts... Because as invisible pointed out- everyone has something special about them.
Maybe if you uplifted other people, you'd see results...then they'd come around and appreciate yours because they'd feel they wouldn't have to compete. That's just the way it seems these things work, to me.

tl;dr:
I think you're looking at this the wrong way. People don't dislike you for being smart or funny or INFJ or whatever...people don't dislike people for those reasons.
There is something offensive that you are doing if you are seeing a pattern where people aren't interested in friendship with you.

 

[Agnostic Monk]

Maybe you are not entirely aware of how you come off. It's been said already and I do agree that maybe you come off as feeling superior. Honestly the first thing I thought when I the OP was: I don't understand why people don't like me. I'm so much more talented than most of them. They should admire me and be my friend for that. It's really a kind of self centered mindset. Maybe you come off competitive. If you want people to like you and appreciate you then you have to sincerely like and appreciate others and their gifts... Because as invisible pointed out- everyone has something special about them.

I'm very self-critical. I only wish to be treated exactly as good as I deserve to be, not better or worse. I don't think people can handle that. They either need you to think too highly of yourself or too poorly of yourself. A lot of people flip out when you tell them (or give them the sense that you know) exactly what is good about you and what is bad, and the net outcome of that (they feel/fear) is better than them. I've found humility + exceptional traits cause violent reactions in many people. I know how my OP might have sounded when I posted it, but I don't care because it's honest and I'm sure others here feel the same way. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, I'm going to tell you the exact truth, and I'm going to take the right actions, and you can pound sand.

 

[acd]

I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, I'm going to tell you the exact truth, and I'm going to take the right actions, and you can pound sand.

I think this is your problem.

 

[Agnostic Monk]

I think this is your problem.

I meant that I don't care about the repercussions of stating my honest opinion, not that I don't care what people think in general. I am interested in what others think, and I appreciate and enjoy them for their good qualities.

 

[Stu]

...... I look around and see people being funny, smart and able and being liked for it, then when I do it I only get jealousy and contempt.............

Perhaps you could give an example of you being funny or smart.

 

[Agnostic Monk]

Perhaps you could give an example of you being funny or smart.

I definitely could. No perhaps about it.

 

[Stu]

ok, I think you are misinterpreting the emotions, "contempt" and "envy".

 

[Agnostic Monk]

ok, I think you are misinterpreting the emotions, "contempt" and "envy".

What do you base that opinion on?

 

[Gaze]

The thing is, when you show them your humility, they take it as "oh, so you're humble, too. Perfectly perfect, I hate you."

My question is, why is there a negative reaction instead of a positive one? I look around and see people being funny, smart and able and being liked for it, then when I do it I only get jealousy and contempt. I don't know, maybe it's a lost cause for an INFJ to even try to be social and popular.

You are assuming it's related to type, but have you thought about the impression you may be giving rather than assuming it's because of your personality type. Also, if you sound as if you're expecting them to fall for you or like you simply because it's what's you've observed for other people who are "gifted." Why don't you simply be you, be nice, be interested in people, instead of expecting others to naturally gravitate or be interested in you because you are "gifted."

 

[Agnostic Monk]

Why don't you simply be you, be nice, be interested in people, instead of expecting others to naturally gravitate or be interested in you because you are "gifted."

That's what I have been doing, but it's frustrating to be fair and good and etc. etc. on down the list of good qualities you try to be, and then it just doesn't translate into positive reactions from others, but instead over time, people start to resent you.

 

[GracieRuth]

I've certainly had my fair share of jealous co-workers. I taught for a year in a Performing Arts Magnet school. Each class was responsible for preparing a certain number of performances. Quite frankly, I had my kids doing things that everyone else swore would be impossible. I didn't set out to "raise the bar," but essentially that is what happened -- the excellence of my classroom made everyone else look mediocre. I was routinely slammed in gossip.

 

[Matt3737]

Matthew 6
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

 

[invisible]

relinquish all of this bitterness about payoffs that never came, and focus on the fact that it makes you feel good to see others feel good. to treat others fairly and with kindness, to see them smile, makes you feel good inside, doesn't it?

what i do think for sure is that the idea that being gifted makes you be hated is rubbish. i have been called gifted or talented through my life by people in it and by university teachers and colleagues and whoever. i have more friends than i can handle, i make constant excuses to stay home. if i go to a bar people are hanging around me and rubbing up against me and trying to get my attention, and often, they are totally hot. i turn down sex propositions. there has been the occasional person who has turned into a monster and tried to form gangs against me or otherwise attack me for some weird reason, but this has been rare. in general, the hypothesis does not ring true with me.

 

[JGirl]

i don't see myself as having gifts. they are more like skills.
i've had people be intimidated by my ability to see them clearly for who/what they are, but not jealous that i know of.
they'd be fools to want to live in a sea of everyone's emotions.

 

[the]

There is a certain air of snobbishness and elitism that people who are gifted (or think they are gifted) exude that they are not aware of and cannot control that puts me off.

Just referring to things you are naturally good at as "gifts" makes you sound pretentious. Especially if they didnt ask you about it in the first place.

 

[Sensiko]

remember "gifted" classes in elementary school? that's what i always associate with the word "gifted" --a feeling of being separated.

 

[the]

I meant that I don't care about the repercussions of stating my honest opinion, not that I don't care what people think in general. I am interested in what others think, and I appreciate and enjoy them for their good qualities.

I thought you did care and that is why you are on the internet complaining that people dont give you the respect, friendship, and admiration that you feel entitled to.

I definitely could. No perhaps about it.

So do it.

 

[MisterNi]

No, however when people say something like that I immediately think they're overestimating and self-comforting.

Bingo. You could apply this to almost everyone in this thread trying to make themselves feel better about themselves lol.

 

[This]

I don't really see anyone as "gifted" in any aspect really, it all comes down mostly to what we focus our time into improving about ourselves. If at a young age we are told we are good at mathematics, for example, we will tend to hone those skills and therefore become good at mathematics. And so on and so fourth.