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Female INFJ Male ENFP

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by enfp can be shy, Feb 27, 2010.

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  1. enfp can be shy

    enfp can be shy people vs the bad people?
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    To mirror this thread: http://forum.infjs.com/showthread.php?p=236403

    Do we have members with long term experience in this type of relationship, could you please share insights?



    edit: the references to real people may not have covered the same mbti types, so better remove them.
     
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    #1 enfp can be shy, Feb 27, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2010
  2. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I'll mirror my response to that thread, and further explain the pitfalls...

    As an INFJ her first instinct is to look for the answer (which annoys her when someone causes distractions that have nothing to do with the answer).
    As an ENFP his first instinct is to look for the possibilities (which offends him when someone invalidates his exploration and tries to stifle it).

    As an INFJ her second instinct is to focus on how she feels things should be (which offends her when someone refuses to put aside their feelings for what is right).
    As an ENFP his second instinct is to focus on how he feels about it (which annoys him when someone tries to demand how he should feel).

    As an INFJ her next instinct is to figure out how it works by examining the little picture (which cannot respect people who don't see the details as important).
    As an ENFP his next instinct is to understand how it relates by taking in the big picture (which is annoyed by the boring details, and cannot respect people who get obsessed over such things).

    As an INFJ her last instinct is to focus on being in the moment (which is annoyed by the constrictions of the past and an inability to be in the here and now).
    As an ENFP his last instinct is to focus on how things used to be (which is offended by people who can't remember things, or worse just ignore them).
     
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    #2 VH, Feb 27, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2010
  3. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    haha, that is a clear answer :caked:
     
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  4. OP
    enfp can be shy

    enfp can be shy people vs the bad people?
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    okay..
     
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  5. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    Not what you were looking for?

    I'll be more specific.

    I've been dating an ENFP (who I mistook for an INFP until recently) since last April. While I'm a male (borderline) INFJ and she's a female ENFP, the gender roles don't seem to be as significant as one might assume. My male ENFP friends tend to complain about the same things as female ENFP friends in relationships. Like this...

    ... more often than anything it's this selfish crying about being 'pushed' and having the inconvenience of expectations placed upon them to be remotely successful in life, rather than just do whatever they want whenever they want however they want... and yet magically have everything they need appear in their cupboards, closets, and bank accounts.

    ... and here is more of that crying. "Woe is me. The people who are suppose to support my lack of interest in being a complete slacker are forcing me to make something of myself, and actually use the AMAZING talents I have at my disposal... my INCREDIBLE creativity, EXCELLENT intelligence, REMARKABLE compassion, and MONSTROUS talent at anything I put my hand to..."

    Most of the time, I care that my ENFPs don't like to be pushed. Most of the time, I accept that they're WAY oversensitive to it. And then other times, I get sick of hearing about it... when you guys start to insist is that it is unfair. And that's a crock. Average run of the mill S types don't have an INKLING of the talent and ability you guys have. Hell, most of the N types don't even have it, and it is ABSOLUTELY unfair that you don't share it with the world every chance you get!

    Hmph!

    (I hope this explains the other perspective well enough to be understood. :) )

    In all seriousness though, these sorts of issues DO have a gender bias. Males in our society are expected to be providers while females, for some reason I can't seem to reconcile with the whole concept of 'equality' we've embraced, are allowed to get away with a lot more 'I don't feel like it'.

    INFJ males and females seem to use the same support and prompting tactics when dealing with their mates, but INFJ females probably have less patience with it and are more willing to leave a man who won't fulfill this role. Fair? Probably not, but that's the nature of biology right there. Females want a protector and a provider. It's instinctive. Men can accept having to take care of their female to a fair degree because we're wired to provide and protect.

    I think the biggest issue I've seen in these relationships is the difference between the ENFP and INFJ levels of acceptable provision and protection. ENFPs have lower standards in this regard when it comes to providing and protecting. If things are okay, then things are okay. INFJs, especially INFJ females tend to want a little more security and plan further ahead than ENFPs. As long as the two partners can address this and accept that they have differing expectations, then a compromise can be reached if both of them are willing to accept that the other will never agree.
     
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    #5 VH, Feb 27, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2010
  6. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    One of my best friends in an ENFP male. We get on splendidly. Of course, we have different moral guidelines (he doesn't think pirating stuff is wrong whereas I do) and don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but we both accept that we are just different.
    The only time he really gets fed up with me, is when I get all introverted and don't want to go out to do anything. For me, I only get annoyed at him when I can tell he's not being genuine in front of his friends.
    I could see the problems Von Hase listed possibly coming up, but I think it's all about acceptance ^^"
     
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  7. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    You're also just friends. If you were in a romantic relationship with him, would you have different expectations? Would it be as easy to accept the things about him that you don't like? Most importantly, would you be more inclined to push him to live up to his potential?
     
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  8. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    I have been in a serious committed relationship for three years with an ENFP male. All I can say is that we both continue to grow independently and dependently because the dynamic of our relationship constantly requires it.

    Few things I learned from my end is that if I want the relationship to thrive I have to let go of what should be mentality. I also have to be more flexible and have patience in using my J when it is not warranted. Sometimes enfps hide their true feelings deep down but with my excellent Fe and Ni I am able to get through their barriers and help them overcome whatever feeling they bury. All this is of course would not happen if both partners are not putting forth the effort and if feelings are not mutual.

    As a result we continue to learn about each other all the time. This kind of relationship requires a lot of work on both ends if you wish to have it for long term and it is not for the immature or somebody who has no patience in handling excess and dynamic energy that enfp males give off.
     
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  9. bullinthesky

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    Well said Solongotgon

    I dated an ENFP and you're absolutely right. Any long-term relationship requires work I think. But a relationship between people who are opposites will require even more work than normal. This type of relationship is NOT for the immature.
     
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