Fellow infjs-i have some questions regarding relationships.

All I can say is WOW.

I would answer similar to everything you have answered, and can sum it up by saying, that during Highschool, I dated a little bit, and yes, I have fallen for those I felt more emotional attachment for, and have always felt my purpose here was to help others reach their fullest potential, thus I have never felt that inner voice scream "YES YES" when I've asked the question; 'should I go for it?" with this person. Like yrself, I have always heard "NO NO"!!

Because of this awareness of being so different, and of the sense that I am spiritually able to connect with others in a loving way, I have always felt I could help others become their best. Therefore, leaving me at a loss for accepting trust that should I ever stop questing to grow and reflect that to others and settle down to live a 'normal' life, then I am not fulfilling my responsibilities to the future.

Oddly enough, I have always wanted to settle down and feel safe with another in love who would feel perfect for me, but I am all too well aware, that there is a "littlest hobo" in me, that reminds the other side that there is a world out there and I need to explore it and keep on growing, learning, loving and teaching...

My connections I have felt compelled to make with others, however powerful the desire to share love has been for me, has rarely manifested and settled to the thought of romantic love, but rather as a form of Universal love as we are all spiritual beings. To me, this is the highest form of intimacy, and there is no need to fear another's contemplations, actions or negative potentials.

(in other words, if I'm single, I'm not looking, although I'm needing, I simply end up hearing "NO" and share and recieve love through peace and respect with others). Hope my post made some sense to a few, lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfZUxPF7AMI maybe this song I love so much, will help explain it.

 

Interesting questions! It never fails to amaze me how introspective some of us are on these forums.

Yes, I suppose you can say I "dated" during my teenage years, if you consider hopping from at least one year long relationship to the next as "dating." I generally had good experiences; I had one black mark where one boyfriend was an emotional leech toward the end of our relationship, but beyond that whole ordeal, I can't say I have much to complain about. All my boyfriends treated me right. I've been in relationships since I was 14. This is the longest (six months) I've gone without a partner and since I just concluded a three and a half year relationship. I think a little breather is in order.

If I think they're interested in me too, yeah, all systems-are-a-go. If I'm in limbo, I'll usually wait until things develop into my favor. I've never actually ever asked anyone out, though. I just always made it seem like it was their idea.

I think the only time that nay-saying voice jumps into my head is if I am very uncertain as to their feelings towards my person, OR if I think there's something off about them (and, surprise, surprise, usually that feeling is right). I never pull away from a potential relationship unless I have some reason (a feeling or rational explanation) as to why not.

I've only had two experiences where I went out with someone who I just met and actually agreed to give them my phone number. None of them went anywhere. It was just physical attraction.

Yes and no, although emotional attraction seems to be the actual precedent. I've had instances where I wasn't even aware I was physically attracted to someone until I accidentally acted on it... I don't actually pay much attention to physical appearance when it comes to partners, at least not consciously. I kind of happen upon that physical chemistry once we reach that physical line.

I don't think I'm destined to do anything. I believe in conscious and subconscious behavioral patterns, and cause and effect, not magical thinking. For the record, I'm also skeptical about reincarnation, past lives and soul mates. I'm not ruling them out, because frankly I do think anything is really possible, but I also don't think it's quite the way that all the New Age texts and Miss Cleo's of the world lay it out.

The only prophecy I believe is the sort that is self-fulfilling (you are the sum of your beliefs, after all). So I don't think I'll be alone if I don't want to be alone. Besides, I've been pretty lucky with my relationships thus far.

I suppose I'm not your typical INFJ in that regard.

 

1) Did you date during your teenage years? If so, how did you find that experience?

Yes, I did. I had 2 long-term relationships (1+ yrs.), two that lasted a few months, and lots of casual dating- only one with sex involved. I mostly dated older guys b/c I couldn't relate to younger ones, and I enjoyed dating older guys.

2)When you're interested in someone, or realise that you're attracted to someone, does that inner voice ever go, "You should totally go for it!" ?

I guess being a girl has something to do with it, because guys kinda don't let up. So..I never approach a guy. But if I like a guy, I'll either get all goofy and probably laugh too much or I'll pretend I have no interest in him at all.

3) Have you ever dated someone you've just met, and who you don't know that well? What was it like? Did anything substantial develop from this?

Mmm...kinda sorta. I've had "encounters" with guys I didn't really know (seeing a guy with a gf while him and his gf were fighting), but I was going through a dark period in my life and looking for love in all the wrong places. Plus, sometimes I just do things to see what it's like. 0

4) Do you find that for you emotional attraction comes before physical attraction? Do you think that perhaps this is the reason why infjs end up falling for their friends?

Depends. Some guys catch my attention cuz they're really hot. But I'll never take them seriously for a relationship. They're eye candy In general, I seek friendship first to get to know the person. But not all friendships are date material, of course.

5) Do you think that maybe we're destined to be alone?

I do believe in reincarnation, but no way are we supposed to be alone!! I think it's a personal thing? a personal thing if you feel awkward starting or being in relationships. Perhaps it's just an area to work on. Me personally, I love relationships, and I'm great in them. If you know what you bring to a relationship, you may be more confident pursuing one.

 

1) Did you date during your teenage years? If so, how did you find that experience?
Hmm... during my teenage years, I was extremely withdrawn from most forms of social interaction altogether. I had a hard time letting myself have friends due to an absolutely bottomed-out self esteem. However towards 18/19 I began to develop an interest in the concept of a relationship when I finally met someone that I felt comfortable being myself around.

2) When you're interested in someone, or realise that you're attracted to someone, does that inner voice ever go, "You should totally go for it!" ?
Sadly, my image of self is still extremely unstable, despite a heavy amount of progress, and so I've always had a strong nagging voice saying that I'm still not good enough for the other person, that I'd simply be a burden. As far as the other side of things goes, I've had short bursts of confidence in those situations, but with the track record of how they've ended, I tend towards being apprehensive about letting myself get up that confidence.

3) Have you ever dated someone you've just met, and who you don't know that well? What was it like? Did anything substantial develop
from this?
Never dated, however I suppose I have reservations about the concept of any kind of relationship with anyone that I hardly know. Not entirely sure why, or if that's a bad habit to get into to disregard that possibility, but it's also part of the reason I've turned a few people away (though I still felt really guilty in doing so). Extremely confusing to me, I guess.

4) Do you find that for you emotional attraction comes before physical attraction? Do you think that perhaps this is the reason why infjs end up falling for their friends?
Almost entirely, which many friends have noted is a bit intimidating a trait to have to face from the other side of the fence.

5) Do you think that maybe we're destined to be alone?
Certainly not. I think that being alone is simply the result of either not having the desire to find a significant other, or giving up that sometimes small sliver of hope that there's someone out there. It might just be an idealistic romantic in me saying that, but I definitely believe it's possible for anyone to find love if they want it.

 

Not really. I mean, I'm still in that phase, but....not really. I did once (or twice, depending on what you consider "dating"), but it was really too short and not that memorable.

It's very rare that I'm interested, actually. And often times, when I am, it's to all the wrong people. So no, the inner voice just sighs and taps its fingers impatiently until it goes away.

Kinda, yeah, actually. It didn't go too well -- it wasn't bad, but he feel too hard too quick, and I just didn't get that much into it.

I classify them as two distinct flavors, really. I end up falling when both coincide nicely, although emotional attraction can often create or enhance physical attraction to me. And yeah, I think that could very well be a reason why INFJs fall for their friends. That, and trust.

I get that feeling, sometimes, but that's just me. I don't think anyone's really "destined" to be alone. But often times, it almost feels like I was meant to be that person that helps someone get on the right track, or teaches them an important lesson/skill/moral/etc., or be someone to lean on, until they can move on to find someone they can keep forever. Like an in-between person, rather than the desirable end.

I think that, spiritually, the true final state of being is a state of self-completeness -- however, I wouldn't say that that's the reason why we are so reluctant to be open.

 

Nope. I'm 19 and I'm not sure when 'teenage years' ends but I don't feel like one any more. That non experience makes me feel that, being an introvert, I have missed out on life. Although thinking that makes me think "What's the point of living?", the future is gonna be awesome. My career and my goals are gonna take me far.

Yeah it does. It's rare for me to feel anything for anyone so all hell breaks loose when it does happen.

Never been out with anyone so I wouldn't know. I have tried to go after a girl after knowing her for the space of about... 3 days. It got very weird and I felt like something was developing but, she didn't give a shit about me.

I dunno, I take physical attraction seriously. I like attractive women. However, the emotional is most important. If I get to know someone online and they happen to be hot, it's win/win, like right now!

I don't think we're meant to be alone. We're in a position which makes it very difficult for us to be accepted, included and understood in life. That doesn't mean there is some kind of force that dictates we must have this stoic "self-completeness". It's a good excuse, one I've used many times over the years but just irrelevant at the end of the day.

 

i would say that is true for me too

 

1) Did you date during your teenage years? If so, how did you find that experience?
I didn't really have a proper date until I was 18. And uhhhh... I wasn't exactly aware I was dating the guy. ^^'

2)When you're interested in someone, or realise that you're attracted to someone, does that inner voice ever go, "You should totally go for it!" ?
The inner voice usually either tells me to ignore it or "flee!". I don't do well with boys

3) Have you ever dated someone you've just met, and who you don't know that well? What was it like? Did anything substantial develop
from this?
I've only ever dated people I've been friends with, I don't think I would date someone whom I've just met.

4) Do you find that for you emotional attraction comes before physical attraction? Do you think that perhaps this is the reason why infjs end up falling for their friends?
About 95% of the time I would say that I need to see someone as having an attractive personality before I can register them as being physically attractive. Might be part of the reason why I think so many of the more popular celebrities are damn ugly to me :tongue1:

5) Do you think that maybe we're destined to be alone?
I've often thought that I was designed to be alone, however I don't think people in general were designed that way.

 

1) Did you date during your teenage years? If so, how did you find that experience?
No. In fact, I'm 23 and still haven't really started "dating." There have been three or four guys that I've gone out with a couple of times, but I've never been in a long-term relationship. Relationships were awkward for me in high school because I wanted something kind of serious -- something with depth, as I saw it -- when it seemed that most of the people around me were ok with what I saw as shallow and silly.

2) When you're interested in someone, or realise that you're attracted to someone, does that inner voice ever go, "You should totally go for it!" ?
Yes, it has twice. The first time I waited too late and the guy I liked was dating someone else, and the second time I "went for it" by asking the guy if he'd like to see a movie or something. I think it kind of scared him. He was into me before, but as soon as I spoke up, he took off running.

3) Have you ever dated someone you've just met, and who you don't know that wel
l? What was it like? Did anything substantial develop
from this?
The only guys I've been out with have been guys I knew only casually. Nothing ever developed. I find I have a hard time opening up to people I don't know very well. I think it would be easier to date a friend.

4) Do you find that for you emotional attraction comes before physical attraction? Do you think that perhaps this is the reason why infjs end up falling for their friends?
Emotional attraction almost always comes before physical for me. I find that the more I like and respect a person, male or female, the more attractive I find him/her. I tend to always think my friends are very beautiful people.

5) Do you think that maybe we're destined to be alone?
No. I think it's possible for any sane person to have a successful relationship if s/he works at the relationship, as does the other party in the relationship.

 

Awkward at first. It was particularly unfun when the person wasn't really interested in you, just in dating. It got better later when I met a girl who I could more easily relate to.

Yes. But I probably could have used a better inner voice Maybe yours is smarter than mine. You should elaborate more on why you feel like pulling away.

Yep. That's how I met my wife. We were in a class together but rarely talked. Then one day we met at a cafe as a kind of casual date and just hit it off.

I also dated a few other people this way. One girl came up to me while I was sitting under a tree. She was a good person but that dating experience was an ENFP crazy kinda thing. Didn't last.

Not for me. I tried dating people I was only emotionally attracted to, but that didn't work so well for me. On the other hand, I can't date people that I'm not emotionally attracted to.

No. There is no destiny to be alone. Just stay out in the open where you can meet people, and it could take many years to meet the right people. (So have fun in the mean time.)

No. Complete people can open up to others, and people seeking completeness need to open up to others. But that doesn't mean your instincts are wrong. There may be a very good reason why you are not "opening up to others" the way you think people do. I'd need to know more to understand where you feelings come from. But don't assume either extreme: that they are unjustified, or that they are entirely justified.

 

1) Did you date during your teenage years? If so, how did you find that experience?

I started dating when I was 14, and for me it was nice, I'd say not nearly frustrating like it was for the some of my friends at that time. I didn't date as much as I could, I carefully chose who I'll date with, and I'm still happy about my choices.

2)When you're interested in someone, or realise that you're attracted to someone, does that inner voice ever go, "You should totally go for it!" ?

Oh, no, for me that's the biggest turmoil part, I spend hours and hours contemplating what it'll be like if a go for it, would it be as rewarding as I expect it to be, can that someone meet my expectations (strangely enough I never seem to question will I be able to meet their expectations ) and I love that part.

3) Have you ever dated someone you've just met, and who you don't know that well? What was it like? Did anything substantial develop
from this?

Yes, once, and nothing substantial developed from it, and for me that one time is a beautiful memory and I consider it as one of the nicer gifts I got for my birthdays. We were friends for some time after it but there was always too much of a chemistry in physical sense and for me not enough in emotional sense.

4) Do you find that for you emotional attraction comes before physical attraction? Do you think that perhaps this is the reason why infjs end up falling for their friends?

Not necessarily. I've never dated some who was a friend of mine before dating part, but I did made a big effort to get to know guys that I wanted to date, so they were more of a acquaintances who I knew very well before dating if that makes any sense at all to you. When meeting someone new I usually sense so many things, and the guys I dated seriously invoked in me strong physical and emotional response when I met them. So for me it's a combined force of attraction.

5) Do you think that maybe we're destined to be alone?

"I guess this is more for those of you who believe in reincarnation, but do you think that maybe our
purpose on earth is to be self-complete, which is why infjs tend to be so reluctant to open up to
people, especially romantically?"

I do believe that our purpose is to be self-complete, but over time I got to the conclusion that in order to be self-complete we must open up to someone. I am reluctant to open up, partly because I think that I'll get misunderstood, hurt, and partly because I know that opening up to someone will bring the inevitable change and I'm afraid of change as much as I like it sometimes.

 

A little -- but being horribly shy didn't help matters. Dates were awkward. I had a tendency to idealize from afar! LOL. Much safer that way.

I have quite literally heard the little voice in my head speak up in a similar manner. (No, I'm not schizophrenic, either.)

Yes, he turned out to be a complete moron. Should've listened to that little voice. It is extremely unreliable and I think it got drowned out by hormones that time.

Um -- well... yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. I have certainly experienced the physical-attraction-only thing but lived to regret it! Friends are much better.

No. I think we are reluctant to open up to people romantically for very good reasons: many people are simply not very nice, and/or not capable of the emotional depth which we need.

 

1) Nope, didn't date at all in hs...still not in a relationship. I've had several people tell me, "you have a bf don't you? You're just hiding it!" But really, I haven't been able to find the right person yet...None of the guys interested me in hs because they were so immature. I also have high expectations and some pride ;P. You have no idea though, bc I feel so stable in life right now and I'd love to be in a relationship.

2) No, my inner voice never tells me immediately to go for it. My inner voice yells, "think, think, think." I spend so much time analyzing the people I like---their faults, their good pointers, and whether they could possibly match well with me. Once I'm convinced that this guy I like would be good for me (never happened until recently---doesn't seem to be a possibility anymore after realizing he's way more lost than I expected), I try to convince myself to make a jump. I've had times though, when I really liked someone and they liked me, but I didn't jump because I was convinced we just weren't meant to be. I don't know if that's dumb or if that's clever...My protectionist instinct is so strong that I COULD make myself fall out of love with someone Im convinced is not right for me.

3) Nope, I don't think i'll ever...unless my fantastic "N" gives me a great onlook into this random person's soul. Sounds awfully romantic and once I meet such a person, I'm sure I would go for them right away. But that's really rare, ain't it? That's what you call soulmates.

4) Emotional def. before physical. I can't be physically attracted to people (well, may be to a small extent---just to the point of thinking a guy is cute---but nothing more...almost like looking at a magazine, not expecting any relationship or anything from them) without knowing who they are. I only love people I admire for their inner person. So YES, I fall for my friends. It's hard. Just recently, I realized just how emotional I am vs physical. I made out with a "friend" who I confessed to and he wanted to go "all the way." But I just couldn't, because I couldn't put all myself out there without knowing he liked me back. Of course, it took some restraint, but not too much. On another note, if we'd been going out and really in love with each other, I'd be way more willing and expressive.

5) I think that's just the easy answer for times when we're down and feeling lonely. Of course, it'll be more difficult for us to "find" that person, but I'm convinced that because it's so hard and we're such special people, when we DO find each other, we'll have a heck of a romantic, lovely love life. lol. Intense, different, lonely people + ditto= some great love story. At least that's what I'm hoping for...keeping my optimistic love spirit still hyped!

 

Oops---forgot to answer the very last of your question. I never heard of this reincarnation theory, but it's sure interesting. Yea, I think that might be true. In order to fully love someone to your best capability, you must love yourself intensely. I think what's been giving me a hard time is that all the people I meet don't seem to known who they are. In order to embrace and love themselves, they must know who they are. Even among those who somewhat know, there are many who are still struggling.

I'm blessed, in that at such a young age, I've learned to see myself for my exquisite inner beauty and I feel so balanced, stable, and independent. I want to find someone like that---but that's rare. I'm convinced that there is someone out there like that though...

 

1) Did you date during your teenage years? If so, how did you find that experience?
Yes, we started out as friends for 2 years and broke the barrier when he asked me out on my birthday. The experience was sweet BUT you realize people change over time. We moved apart and later broke up.

2)When you're interested in someone, or realise that you're attracted to someone, does that inner voice ever go, "You should totally go for it!" ?

I once read a book by C.S. Lewis called teh "The four Loves" in it said "To love is to be vulnerable" To even give my heart to someone risk being hurt so I don't take the initiative I WAIT. i usually observe and assese the person to see if he is recepricating.


3) Have you ever dated someone you've just met, and who you don't know that well? What was it like? Did anything substantial develop from this?
Well....for me it usually start off as being friends for a couple of months and then develops. Never really felt the need to have a boyfriend so fast. LOL.



4) Do you find that for you emotional attraction comes before physical attraction? Do you think that perhaps this is the reason why infjs end up falling for their friends?
Emotional attraction comes first. No matter how obsurdly handsome a guy is if he a self-centered person its easily a turn off.

5) Do you think that maybe we're destined to be alone?

Personally, as a fellow INFJ i do feel that we are rare and people in this society (extraverted) don't take the time to understand us. But i believe there is someone out there for us INFJs. I know i found him.