Extreme relationship trouble.. | INFJ Forum

Extreme relationship trouble..

Nausus

Nausus

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May 30, 2009
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Well.. it may sound silly and childish, but I have some real issues dealing with the opposite sex.

If I like someone, I avoid talking to them like the plague, because I think that if I do they won't like me. I have no self confidence so I don't see why anyone would like me in return.

There was an incident at badminton club that I go to, where I really liked this guy but I couldn't talk to or go near him, As soon as my friend brought him over, my brain shut down and I couldn't even bear to look at him, and resorted to staring at my feet. I managed 3 words, which were "Hi.." "Yeah.." and "Bye..". I felt actually pysically sick, and my face was so red that it matched my jacket.

I really don't know what to do, or how to deal with it. I had one guy tell me he liked me (i've known him for a while), and I couldn't believe him. Does this happen with with anyone else or am I just a bit of a freak of nature?

Edit: Also.. I have a similar problem with dealing with new people..
 
:m107: I SHOULD HAVE POSTED WHAT I POSTED IN MY OTHER THREAD... THE ONE THAT.. YOU SAID YOU HAD ZERO SELF-CONFIDENCE.....ahahhaha

i also have zero none none none self-confidence.....

and.. the only difference is.. that. i never really had a crush on a guy (i'm completely a girl)...but i just didn't find the one-that-i-feel-was-right-for-me-and-who-would-accept-me-and-my-ZEROSELFCONDIFENCE-guy......:mhula:

but yeah the thing is..even when there are guys who would try to be more than just friends with me.. i would shut them down completely... it may seem rude :m051:to them but for me it's like........

WOW you don't even know me and i'm sure if you will get to know me.. you wouldn't like me..because i'm a nobody....and all that bad things that i think about myself.....:m142::m192:

but seriously......:m075: i think it's just us way overthinking and overanalyzing things and us being perfectionists....... and also us having high expectations of ourselves and of others.......

AND YEAH I ALSO GET NEERVOUS AROUND PEOPLE......MOSTLY STRANGERS....and meeting new people (unless i'm with someone who i'm comfortable with and has been my friend for some time)
 
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I used to be very shy and terrified of talking to strangers. I have improved a bit, but I think the trick is to put yourself in social situations, like go out with people you know in a small circle and just be yourself.

See if that works and with time you will learn to be more sociable.

The other aspect may be finding out why you are not confident and happy with yourself, and this could be a number of things and pretty much only you can figure it out.

If you wanna chat more PM me
 
Aaah, yeah, I used to be that anxious around all guys who I had an interest toward. What helped me out was socializing more and especially with my male friends. They offer incredible insight into your behaviors if you just ask them honestly.

I know my male best friend was the first guy to tell me out of nowhere I'm cute. That was pretty awesome considering if I had heard it from another chick, I would've brushed it off. He was also the first one to let me know I'm too intimidating for high school boys... wiener. Haha! But it was vital information at the time and every bit helped toward my self-realizations.

As for meeting new people/self-confidence, maybe you've had minimal opportunity to realize what great effects you've had on the people you already know. If you're able to reflect and realize what sort of wonderful 'vibes' you offer then why shouldn't you want to spread that?

I'm not sure if this could really help you because it may just be a learning process. I still become a blithering idiot around a few select guys but I really can't help that! They're just so charming!
 
Unfortunately... this is just the thing.

I'm TERRIFIED of men. I've had some really bad experiences with them (no self pitying intended if it sounds so) so now I can't go near them. I have a huge fear of being on my own with them, and i think most of them think i'm weird because i'm incredibly jumpy.
 
Are you seeing a therapist of some sort about your fear of men? Because it sounds like a pretty huge aversion and it may be difficult to deal with that on your own in a unstructured kind of way.
 
No i'm not seeing a therapist at the moment.. I have been to one for other issues and it hasn't really helped so I've not bothered. But I might give it a try. Thank you
 
:hug: I'm the same way. I can talk to guys online just fine but in person it's horrible. I put my head down and mumble alot.

I've had really bad experiences with men too (which is the reason I have low self confidence). That's why I have a difficult time being around them. It's very hard for me to trust men.

What helps me is to try to deal with the issues that MADE me afraid. I talk about it, write about it and use my art as a way of expressing my fear of men. It really helps me alot. The more I work on it the better my self esteem gets and the easier it is to talk to guys. Putting my head down and mumbling is a HUGE progress from what I was like a few years ago. :)
 
Um thank you everyone! You're all a great help, thank you for taking your time on me.
 
I used to be TERRIFIED of girls. Absolutely TERRIFIED. I cannot overstate that enough. Sometimes my mind would completely shut down when one tried to talk to me. And yeah, I also did not believe girls when they told me they liked me. I was like "what? me? huh? you're actually talking to ME? I'm just a goofy looking skinny kid with curly hair and glasses!" and ignored it. However, once I came to terms with who I am, things got easier. It's all confidence. If you find you find that you're second-guessing yourself and putting yourself down, stop. As someone else in the thread said, try breaking out of your comfort zone and meeting new people. Just be yourself :) I promise you, this is SO normal.
 
Don't be afraid to shop around for a therapist you feel comfortable with, who "gets" you and who can actually help you, assuming you decide to go that route. I'm not sure if that was the case with your last one but not all therapists are equal, finding a good one for you can help a lot more than just seeing any old therapist.
 
Nausus said:
Unfortunately... this is just the thing.

I'm TERRIFIED of men. I've had some really bad experiences with them (no self pitying intended if it sounds so) so now I can't go near them. I have a huge fear of being on my own with them, and i think most of them think i'm weird because i'm incredibly jumpy.
Click to expand...

Why are you terrified of us men? There are millions of men out there, it kind of sucks that you got a few bad experiences with them but not all of them are the same IMHO. I could say the same about women, I've had a few bad experiences with them as well but not because of that I'm going to just throw the red towel and give up. Sometimes we have to go through hell(meaning bad relationships) to appreciate and know when you are in heaven.(perfect relationship.)

Lots of luck Nausus:m032:
 
Nausus said:
Well.. it may sound silly and childish, but I have some real issues dealing with the opposite sex.

If I like someone, I avoid talking to them like the plague, because I think that if I do they won't like me. I have no self confidence so I don't see why anyone would like me in return.

There was an incident at badminton club that I go to, where I really liked this guy but I couldn't talk to or go near him, As soon as my friend brought him over, my brain shut down and I couldn't even bear to look at him, and resorted to staring at my feet. I managed 3 words, which were "Hi.." "Yeah.." and "Bye..". I felt actually pysically sick, and my face was so red that it matched my jacket.

I really don't know what to do, or how to deal with it. I had one guy tell me he liked me (i've known him for a while), and I couldn't believe him. Does this happen with with anyone else or am I just a bit of a freak of nature?

Edit: Also.. I have a similar problem with dealing with new people..
Click to expand...

This is going to be cold.... if you do that, people will definitely think that you do not like them. If you want them to like you, you need to figure out what your problem is and find some way to resolve it to some extent.
 
I was incredibly shy at 17 as well. I avoided interaction with males because of how nervous it made me. All I can say is that in time (and with experience) you'll grow out of it. You just have to put yourself out there and make yourself uncomfortable. In a couple of years you'll have a completely different attitude.
 
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