Ex Loves, let them go or keep?

[kita]

I saw this topic on another forum, and it started me thinking about my exes and why I can't seem to let some of them go. There were a couple jerks I have no interest in talking to, and some more casual relationship exes I never think about. Then there are the ones that were really special, my great loves. I can't seem to let these ones go. I think of them often and am curious about their lives and if they are happy. There are two I email or im with and another I just check in with on facebook, even though we have very little in common these days.

I don't think I will ever stop caring about these people or wanting to know everything is okay with them. Does anyone feel the same way about exes? Is this an infj thing?

 

[Gaze]

I don't have ex's but I do think about the people i've been interested in the past. I often think more about whether i'll see them somewhere on the street in the mall, having moved on with their lives, and how i'd feel if i saw them. So, yeah.

Can't speak for those who've had longer/intense relationships with ex's. I'm assuming it's very different experience and feelings are deeper. I guess you'd have to let them go to some extent for the benefit of the next person you're in a relationship with. On the other hand, there's always things you'll probably like or appreciate about your ex's that you may value or hold on to.

 

[the]

Its best to let them go for me. I find it makes new relationships awkward if I am holding on to someone else.

 

[Odyne]

I let them go. It's best that when you part ways, you really do part ways. I found it the best way for both people involved to move on.

You won't see your future clearly if you keep holding on to the past.

 

[sassafras]

It depends on the relationship you had prior to the.. uh... relationship. And how you ended things. I keep in contact with my ex-boyfriend who I dated for four-years (to my detriment sometimes, but more often than not, we still have a lot to learn from each other as friends). Other exes... well, it's not like we had to make an effort to drift away. We just did.

 

[Skoffin]

There were some flames that did not work out, but I only have one ex. I don't really give a toss how he feels and we don't talk to each other.

 

[bamf]

I've gotten coffee a few times with one of my exes in the past few years, but other than that I usually drift apart with my exes/flings/flames. The only "flame" that I purposefully have kept in contact with was a girl from high school. We didn't meet until our senior year and were such unlikely friends (I was in a band, she was a cheerleader...hooray for stereotypes) but we learned a lot from each other. We don't keep in contact much anymore, but she was a really good friend for a while and it would have gone somewhere had I actually taken some initiative early enough.

 

[DoveAlexa]

Meh, I don't care about them once they're gone. If I left them something had to have gone pretty seriously wrong. The only one I still talk to is a guy who I played Dnd and starwars RPG with, because he has games, and I like to borrow them XD. The only reason we are on good terms is that it just ended up that way. Didn't exactly try.

I can't say any of these people are or would have been good friends so I didn't bother.

 

[Razare]

I saw this topic on another forum, and it started me thinking about my exes and why I can't seem to let some of them go. There were a couple jerks I have no interest in talking to, and some more casual relationship exes I never think about. Then there are the ones that were really special, my great loves. I can't seem to let these ones go. I think of them often and am curious about their lives and if they are happy. There are two I email or im with and another I just check in with on facebook, even though we have very little in common these days.

I don't think I will ever stop caring about these people or wanting to know everything is okay with them. Does anyone feel the same way about exes? Is this an infj thing?

I fell in love in the 5th grade with a girl. It wast just holding hands on the playground, but it was a kid's love. Even now, I find myself wondering whatever happened to her after she moved away.

So yeah, I think when we really fall in love and it's the serious stuff, we never drop it. It just becomes something we carry on with us the rest of our lives.

 

[Ergo Christobal]

With my exes, I care about them deeply and I want to be their friend still but sometimes they aren't good friends. I had to distance myself from my first ex in order to forgive her, but then I let her back in after it was no big deal.

My other ex did not handle the break up well, and preceded to try and win me back at every turn in our friendship. I felt like I should help her get over me, and the best way to do that was to get her out of my life.

 

[Holden On]

There are a few exes I am still friends with, although I see them/talk to them rarely. A couple of them I am Facebook friends with, just because yes, there is still a place for them in my heart, albeit tiny, and I am interested to know how their lives are going. we might exchange a hello on Facebook every now and then, but for the most part we don't really communicate anymore.

I only have a couple of exes with whom I parted on really bad terms. Actually, only one, really. I have no interest in being even Facebook friends with him, but I admit sometimes I am curious to know what he's up to these days.

 

[Lumi Spitsbergen]

Even cold, heartless, ENTPs stalk their past loves online.
I still care about knowing what happened to my first love (3rd grade) and how he's doing.
Usually I don't fall in love until after I've been able to befriend someone. After it ends I like to think about what when wrong, but I don't tear myself up about it. I think that every relationship has been a learning experience and I like to think that I ultimately take positive things from each one. Even the ones which went horribly wrong. I keep in contact with a lot of my exes, but do not believe in getting back together with any of them. I generally think through who I am/were, who they are/were and whether or not our main points of conflict have changed. They don't, really. For the most part I don't believe in tying myself down with someone unless I think that things between us will work really well. I like being single too much to go out with someone I feel iffy or tepid about. However once I start to care about someone I never really stop. The feeling may change or be tinged with annoyance, but I have spent many a non-productive hour online just checking up on old flames to see how they are.
In fact, after breaking up, I tend to find the later friendships more worthwhile than our past relationship was.... XD

 

[Jonah Caan]

My first 'love' was in Year 2 (7 years old). I remember collecting leaves in the school playground in Autumn with her. She got me a box of assorted erasers and I still remember it... sigh. She then went to a different Primary SchooI But she joined us again in Secondary School but we were no longer friends (partly because I had become a recluse, introverted geek). She used to stand-up for me when I used to get bullied though. I last saw her a couple of years ago as she passed me by; we said hello.

She doesn't know I loved her but I think we did have a bond; just the way she used to look at me. I guess no words were required. I think about her a couple of times a month.

My first crush on a boy was in Year 6 in Primary School (11 Years old). He never knew I loved him either. I last time saw him about 10 years ago. There was something about how he looked at me too. But we'd never dare say anything in those days, nor do I think we understood what was going on.

I think about him at least several times a month.

After a bouncy 20s, my first 'proper' love came when I was 30 and he actually knew I loved him, haha. He broke up with me mid-last year, mostly for reasons I completely understand and I wish him nothing but happiness and pure love. We always said we'd be friends and we're either in the transition of becoming friends or it's the end of the end. We only communicate via texts (I un-followed him immediately after the breakup on social media, although I snoop on his Instagram to see how he is:/ ). I'm still deciding if I should keep him or let him go.

I think about him every day.

I never want to be in a relationship with him again, but I know I will always care for him and want to know how he is doing. And although I wont tell him this directly out of fear of being seen as needy or being taken for granted, I will do anything for his happiness.

 

[flower]

Definitely let go, he's an ex for a reason. It's so much more easier to move on when letting go. It will take its own time though. Wounds will heal with patience and when focusing on other (happier) things in life. That person doesn't belong to your life anymore, no reason to dwell on the past. There's a saying that when one door closes, another one opens!

Spoiler

 

[sassafras]

Definitely let go, he's an ex for a reason. It's so much more easier to move on when letting go. It will take its own time though. Wounds will heal with patience and when focusing on other (happier) things in life. That person doesn't belong to your life anymore, no reason to dwell on the past. There's a saying that when one door closes, another one opens!

Although this is common sense, it takes experience to truly recognize this as an invaluable piece of wisdom. I wish I did earlier. It would've saved me a lot of grief.

I'm not saying people can't be friends with their exes, but you should always always give each other time to heal and move on before you attempt a friendship. Things can and will get weird, and resentments can fester and escalate when you don't have a clean break first.

Save a potential future friendship. Doorslam your ex. lol.

 

[flower]

Although this is common sense, it takes experience to truly recognize this as an invaluable piece of wisdom. I wish I did earlier. It would've saved me a lot of grief.

I'm not saying people can't be friends with their exes, but you should always always give each other time to heal and move on before you attempt a friendship. Things can and will get weird, and resentments can fester and escalate when you don't have a clean break first.

Save a potential future friendship. Doorslam your ex. lol.

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

 

[Pin]

Life is lived forward, not backward.

 

[G4RiiM]

Sometimes you gotta take 1 step backwards to make 2 forwards

 

[Jonah Caan]

This is a complicated one for me. If I was with a woman and we broke up, I wouldn't want to remain friends (and don't think it'd be possible) because I'd see her as an ex in the purely romantic sense. But with a guy, it feels like it was more of a friendship rather than a romantic relationship. I thought that was only me but I've found that it's more common and not as hard for people who are in a relationship with someone of the same sex to remain friends. The space required after the breakup is still critical though as you guys have pointed out.

I completely agree with giving each other time - I've learnt how invaluable it is (although so hard). It's the only way to move forward positively with your life after a breakup. An then after you have fully grieved the relationship and healed, you can think more logically and rationally whether you still want that person in your life. It's the worst idea to be contemplating keeping that person in your life in any regard when the breakup is still fresh because you'd still be in the denial and/or bargaining stage of grief.

It's so difficult keeping someone like that in your life afterwards, just so much easier to use that gift of door-slamming. I guess it depends on how much you value that person (or think that they're worth the hassle) and if indeed there can be a friendship after that time apart. t's still difficult and a risk, but I always want to make sure I don't door-slam someone too soon because the worst feeling I have found for myself are regret and guilt, even more so that heartbreak. But if that person had been toxic in any emotional or physical way, they'd get the doorslam before they knew what hit them and it would be the easiest thing for me.

But yeah I'm weird; I don't think I could ever be friends with an ex of the opposite sex but it's almost the opposite with an ex who is the same sex as me. Bizarre.

Also, if I start dating someone new and they feel overly intimidated by me remaining friends with an ex, I'd see it as a red flag and a clear indication of their insecurity. But for some reason, hypothetically if I was with a woman and I was friends with a female ex, I would be more forgiving of her insecurity than if both were guys. I'll think about why as I try to fall asleep. I'm a weirdo and love being one haha.

In any situation, once someone decides to end a relationship with you, you owe them nothing and it's time to give yourself that love which you so freely give others. I think it's definitely an INFJ thing to put others before your own needs and my brother has to remind me of this so many times, bless him.

Kick them to the curb for as long as you need, even if that's for life and just focus on your own happiness first and foremost.

 

[David54]

I want to join the "they are your ex for a reason" club, but in my heart there is a different story taking place. Maybe I really do belong with them. . maybe if I would have tried harder. . etc, etc. I'm kind of in that place right now, and I simply don't know the answer. So for right now I am happily alone and re-establishing a relationship with myself