Eternal lonliness | INFJ Forum

Eternal lonliness

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Fireflies-free

Fireflies-free

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Mar 11, 2009
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Sometimes I just feel so alone, like nobody knows/gets me, and nobody ever will. How do I deal with this? What's the point in being here is my life is so solitary? Why do I feel so unable to feel connected. Is this a common INFJ feeling? Do we just expect too much from connections, and are others 'happy' because their expectations are lower. Or, do others just actually connect better with other peopel? The only person I've ever felt that I could be truly connected to doens't seem at all interested in knowing me. It really hurts :(
 
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aw honey i feel for you, everyone gets lonely sometimes, i don't think it's limited to type.
what do you mean by connecting though? what exactly do you expect?
 
Well, I can relate, but patient; try your best, and there's always the next day. :)

echoing May; what exactly is your expectation of 'connecting' and 'friendship' ? You're right in saying that people have different, sometimes lower expectations in relationships, but it's very best to know your own first.

And, are there any specific experience where you see how people connect to others better than they are to you, or you are to them?
 
You are not alone . . . the more you read the threads on this site, you will see that many here (regardless of type) share the same feelings as you. :)
 
I feel like this all the time. I seldom come across people I want to make any deep connections with and when I do it seems I usually expect more than they are willing to give. It is frustrating to say the least and the loneliness can get near unbearable at times but I find as I get older I've become more ok with it. I find if I keep myself extremely busy it helps a bit also. It keeps my mind distracted from pondering things like how I may very well be alone forever. I don't know if this is just me but I found that many of the connections I used to try and make were with people who really didn't have a lot of shared interests with me. Now I try and be a bit more proactive in seeking out connections with people who have similiar interests and that has also seemed to help. Anyways, I feel your pain!
 
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I have felt like this most of my life.

If you live in America, it's worth keeping in mind that much of what you are describing is quite common but our cultural ethos keeps people atomized and alienated to the point they fear admitting it. The innate human connections we seek are blocked by an institutionalized shame brought about by the media and those who have financial interests in cultivating our unhappiness with one hand and then remedying it with the other. So one thing to check for is if you are withholding the truth about yourself and your human condition (IE: not reaching out) for fear that you'll be stigmatized for it. I mean, what you are experiencing is quite normal - don't be fooled by the plastic masses of SSRI addicts who smile and say otherwise. Always broadcast your own truth no matter what it is and the right people will come.
 
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I sometimes feel this way especially when a friend or loved one does not live up to my expectations. I know that my expectations in relationships tend to be higher than other people and yet I often pull away from others because I need time for myself. This can be confusing for others, I'm sure, but I haven't found a way to change it yet. One thing that has helped me is to let a person know when they have hurt me and to do it in a gentle way. If the person cares about you, they will respond by trying to meet your needs. I have found that opening up to people in this way actually brings you closer and deepens the relationship. I hope this helps!
 
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i read somewhere (and I feel really bad that I don't know where I read this) that infj's may actually have people around them with whom they converse with but since their standards (i.e. the kind of connection that they want to have with others) are so high that they don't even realize the people who are in their life because that connection doesn't exist. I kind of identify with that. Maybe that is irrelevant?

On the other hand, I understand not being able to connect with others. I have more friends at this point in my life than ever because I forced myself to do so, otherwise I would lose my mind. I just broke with my boyfriend and created a support system beforehand.

Pardon my longwindedness, I had a drink earlier (I don't usually drink).

Anyway....I find it is easier to meet people in places where friendships can begin without feeling forced. For me, it's been work. Without work, I would not have any friends (acquaintance type friends or the ones I hang out with). Otherwise I would say volunteering. Meeting someone in the grocery store, or a club is not the kind of place that INFJ's are likely to meet people (although many other people do).
 
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Your introversion makes you a minority right off the bat. Just learning about and understanding introversion made me feel so much better when I figured out I was different but there was nothing wrong with me. I used to think others were better than me but then I realised it was their extroversion I was envious of.
Once I understood it and accepted it I found I could control it much better.
You'll be amazed at how alike we are when you read some of the posts.
You are not alone.
 
Nope, you are not alone. I feel that desperation at some times more than others.

Moxie writes a blog and I immediately thought of this recent entry when I read your post, but then as I started to link to it, I realized her entry from today also might apply. It does as it concerns my own intermittent feelings of desperation for satisfying connection. I don't feel that need right now, but sometimes it does feel like being in the middle of a desert and all I have access to are mirages that fail to quench my thirst. Then I redirect my energies and focus on appreciating what I do have and I forget I was thirsty. Sometimes I even receive, in that redirection of focus, the specific sort of hydration I was originally seeking.

I don't know exactly how to guide you through this because I'm not always sure how I find my own way out, but I do think it has to do with finding other healthy sources of satisfaction. Would a regular walk outdoors to appreciate the beauty of nature meet your need? Would reading a really good book engage you enough to satisfy? Could you consciously take your focus away from what others are providing for you and instead give to those around you who seem to be in need?

The last one is something that helped me through my most recent bout of this loneliness. I expressed a similar dissatisfaction to what you have expressed and a kind friend gently redirected me by encouraging me to seek out others who seemed to be feeling alone and spend energy lifting them up. I didn't expect any connection from these contacts, but I was surprised that in diverting my focus from what I was not receiving and instead focusing it toward what I could give, my desperate feeling of need for that connection lessened.

I think maybe sometimes we have needs that we can't label or identify precisely. We tend to label them as a need for the thing that most notably satisfied the feeling of need in the past, but I think it might be a deeper need that has many avenues for satisfaction. I hope you find something quenching, whether that be the true connection you feel is missing or some redirection of energy that lessens your thirst.

Best to you.
 
It's difficult to respond to this because I don't know what exactly I could say to specifically console you.

I definitely get the feeling that I very likely will never meet a person who totally understands me, but I also don't believe that any two people ever really "get" each other, anyway. Perhaps there is the illusion of mutual understanding, but there are always pieces of people that you will never have the capacity to understand.

Basically, all people are different. As for me, I just try to look at the big picture: I can't fault people for thinking and feeling differently than I do and expressing their thoughts and feelings in different ways. I appreciate that they love me in the best way that they know how. Understanding that people really aren't as distant as they seem, just showing their closeness in ways we may not understand, is how I deal with it.

I mean, I don't know. What else can I say? INFJs are weird.
 
I agree, it seems to get better the older I get (I'm 54). In fact, I'd say that this is now my default mode...I have adapted to the point that this is what feels normal. I've had some close connections in my life, and I know what that feels like, and that ain't nowhere around nor has it been for many, many years. On the upside, I do enjoy friendships of many types and have few (if any) expectations of people...I just don't have what I would call any "close" relationships. Right now I feel pretty liberated to enjoy life as it is, not how I think it should be, but I admit, that is a big hurdle to get over. I do have a few secrets I have learned in regards to all this, but that is probably best saved for another thread.
 
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This is a very common experience for our type.
 
Hi there...there is some excellent advice in here first of all...Second of all This is very common in our type...I am married, and even when my husband is sitting next to me holding my hand I feel disconnected and alone...I tell him about it and he is absolutely confused. I dont know how to explain that I am lonely even when I have people around me...When I miss him even if he is only gone for a few moments...

I have had a much easier time dealing with some of the more difficult aspects of my INFJ-ness...Being here helps me feel more connected. I hope it will help you too.
 
Hmm, feel ya, Fireflies-free.

I'm going to be 30 next year and lately the sense of feeling alone has become more acute than ever. I'm ready to resign myself to a reality of constant loneliness.

On the bright side, if it ever changes, life will be very different (in a good way) for both of us :)
 
randomsomeone said:
I agree, it seems to get better the older I get (I'm 54).
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I think most people here feel that too.

yeah I think it does get better as we grow older.....I THINK...

I was always pitying myself and stuff like that... but I'm kinda tired of it.... I don't want to wait for things to happen... like I usually do.. I usually wait for friends to come to me and tell myself oh wow it's meant to be.. we're meant to be friends blah blah blah but then now I think I have to make things happen........

fine I feel alone... nobody understands me... I feel isolated... locked.. kept ... a freak.. a weirdow.. a blah blah blah blah whatever I feel that I am.. but I think I'm tired of thinking how bad I am.. if I don't act on this thing that I feel... then there's nothing else I can do..... what I feel.. that I'm a complete freako failure will be manifested and it would stop me from having a social life and having friends........ so right now.....

I still feel that but no matter how intense I feel that feeling is ..... I can't just let it rule over me.. I have to rule over it... my type is not an excuse .. if I feel it and let it rule over me then I'm ruined.. so I know I HAVE TO act on it.. so.. I try to make friends and I choose them well... I choose who to trust...

and for the mean time ... when I couldn't trust anyone.. or FEEL that I can't trust anyone I JUST TRY to let my feelings out to people who are close to me.. like relatives even if they don't understand me because no matter how hard I try.. if NOBODY understands me.. I'm just gonna suck it all up and kill myself with self-pity, low self esteem, depression, being ALWAYS WORRIED. I care about myself and just because I feel that nobody likes me and nobody understands me, doesn't mean that I will never be understood.

So I guess I just act on it and not let these things leave a very very very deep scar inside me because I just have to do something before it eats me all up.




EDIT: I READ THIS AGAIN... I feel like I didn't type this thing bwahahahaha that was like not me typing. Where did I get that "advise" ?? MAYBE i should start listening to my other "tired of self pity and I have to act on it" self......

but really.. sometimes I do get tired of thinking no one understands me....
 
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Fireflies-free said:
Sometimes I just feel so alone, like nobody knows/gets me, and nobody ever will. How do I deal with this? What's the point in being here is my life is so solitary? Why do I feel so unable to feel connected. Is this a common INFJ feeling? Do we just expect too much from connections, and are others 'happy' because their expectations are lower. Or, do others just actually connect better with other peopel? The only person I've ever felt that I could be truly connected to doens't seem at all interested in knowing me. It really hurts :(
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I've got a fair bit of searing pain going on deep within myself right now as well. Hope that makes you feel better :) It's ok to admit that it does!

I believe what you're experiencing is common among INFJs. You're just different. Really. While others are figuring out how to impress people, you're trying to connect on a very honest level. While others would assign a value to me as a human being based on my wealth and power and good looks, you probably love me by default, and judge me on the basis of my humanity.

I don't have "the answer" to this loneliness problem. All I have are these talkings about it.
 
Wow. Thanks for all the kind words and the useful advice. It's so nice to know that there are others out there who feel a similar way :)
 
Fireflies-free said:
Wow. Thanks for all the kind words and the useful advice. It's so nice to know that there are others out there who feel a similar way :)
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I've always found commiseration comforting too. One of the best things learning my type did for me was learning that this difficult brand of experience was an acutely shared experience.
 
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