Does trust come easily for you? | INFJ Forum

Does trust come easily for you?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by AUM, Jun 22, 2010.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 1 user.
More threads by AUM
  1. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Threads:
    132
    Messages:
    2,838
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,998
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    I think the title is self-explanatory but I'll try to expand more on it. Basically, this issue comes over and over again in my everyday life: Trust. Is it so hard for an INFJ to come to trust people, even people that they know well? The moment I begin to feel that a person is about to know me and be my friend, I get away from them as soon as possible. I even deleted my facebook because many people already knew too much about me, but the thing is that I really do want some meaningful relationships, friends and those sorts of things. But I become very tense and worked up that somebody is going to get to know me in a different level. In addition, people get upset with me that they disclose many things about themselves, but I never do the same.

    Does anyone have any advice on this?Or better yet, share some of your experiences regarding this issue as well. Comments and constructive criticism are welcome.



    Thank you
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2008
    Threads:
    762
    Messages:
    14,154
    Likes Received:
    1,298
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2 sx/so/sp
    It's hard for me to explain, but trust isn't that much of an issue for me. It is in a romantic sense because I have a hard time trusting what I feel because I get too invested and play disaster scenarios in my head. Added with my high level of emotional needs, it can make "trusting" hard. Even then the issue isn't exactly trust, it's more of living in the moment and just letting be.

    Trust is kind of intrinsic for me. I have always knew since I was little who I could and could not trust; it's just inate I guess. I honestly never even really think about trust as it is so ingrained within me on how to work with it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  3. OP
    AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Threads:
    132
    Messages:
    2,838
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,998
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    Hey Indigo,

    I should've been more specific on the kind of trust I was referring to. I think there are two types of trust: superficial and deep. A superficial trust in this context refers to an intuitive trust that you get from certain people, or in other words, a vibe. It doesn't require any credentials or experience for you to decide that this person is trustworthy. Usually, this trust I get right away and know which people I can count on for certain things and situations. I think this was what you were referring to in your post. Correct me if I'm wrong.

    Deep trust integrates intuition but also your heart. I imagine it's the type of trust that you would consider when you find the perfect partner and decide to marry. It is the type of trust that it requires for you to open up to someone and confide in telling even your darkest secrets and not being afraid of how the other person might take it. I usually have a lot of self-doubt as to what I should or shouldn't say to others, since I don't know them very well and I might say something that would offend them. I may trust them superficially, from that intuitive vibe I was talking up earlier, but I would still be quite reserved in telling them even deeper things about myself.

    And it's precisely the latter type of trust that I have trouble with.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #3 AUM, Jun 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2010
  4. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
    Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Threads:
    323
    Messages:
    10,046
    Featured Threads:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5,634
    Trophy Points:
    1,102
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Australia
    MBTI:
    INTJ - A
    Enneagram:
    10000
    Superficial vs deep.

    I'll trust most people insofar as I intuit them to be trustworthy - so it isn't a matter of putting trust in them, but a matter of managing risk. This is the most superficial 'trust' I'll give anyone.

    Middle-trust. This is the trust that extends to letting people know my thoughts and feelings. Few people get this trust - strangely I don't mind extending my thoughts and feelings to people on this forum for many reasons.

    Deep trust. I have rarely let people in this deep. This is reserved for very close friends or for that 'one special person.'



    I deal with the first kind of trust all the time. The second only in trusted company. The third may have surfaced with three people at most in my life.
     
    Roger likes this.
  5. ambivalent

    ambivalent Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2010
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    It makes me smile when I hear the people thinking just like me.

    I totally understand what you are getting at. I feel the same way sometimes but this can happen for lots of reasons. For me, it was because I decided to confide in the wrong people and it's important, especially for us, to choose the right ones to tell. We are all sensitive on so many different levels and it's important we become a little more thick skinned when it comes to who we share our thoughts with.

    I suffer from the same issue where I don't like to divulge. The truth is we have to take a risk with some of them else you become too cooped up in our own worlds. We can't be afraid to get hurt, and on the flip side, it's a learning curve.

    For me, its a case of try it and see but don't make the mistake (like I often do) is not trusting at all, and then telling too much once you know them just a little (becoming too trusting). Make them earn your trust, and if they a good friend they'll understand.

    FYI, I deleted my FB more than once too! But you can use it just to keep in touch with others and don't necessarily have to tell the world what you do every 10mins like some people do!
     
    #5 ambivalent, Jun 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2010
  6. OP
    AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Threads:
    132
    Messages:
    2,838
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,998
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    And if you wouldn't mind sharing: How did these people who have your purest deep trust, get to such a ranking? How did they get promoted from superficial to middle, finally into CEO?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. OP
    AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Threads:
    132
    Messages:
    2,838
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,998
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    Hi Ambivalent,

    First of all thank you for sharing your experience.

    Yeah, I understand perfectly what you mean by "choosing the right ones to trust". I don't know if it happens to you too, that there is a threshold that once a person passes, is a risk that you might get hurt. Or on the other hand, create a blissful relationship if it was the correct person for you to confide.

    I'm always too afraid to become too vulnerable for others to see my real self. I feel naked and no longer in control of the situation(or at least, that's how I think of it in that moment).

    And in regards to the FB account, I have done it several times but this time I permanently deleted it. And I won't lie, I do feel ashamed that many people did consider me as a friend, and I just gave them a doorslam with no apparent reason. Who knows, I might create another account, but I wouldn't be too confident that they would accept me as a friend because of what I did.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
    Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Threads:
    323
    Messages:
    10,046
    Featured Threads:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5,634
    Trophy Points:
    1,102
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Australia
    MBTI:
    INTJ - A
    Enneagram:
    10000
    1. Loyalty in extreme circumstances. 2. Love (I can't believe how blinded I was). 3. Deepest of deep friendship.
     
  9. Roger

    Roger ...

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2009
    Threads:
    80
    Messages:
    2,203
    Likes Received:
    219
    Trophy Points:
    205
    MBTI:
    ENFP
    Enneagram:
    -
    Yes, trust is most important thing of any relationship. I will not much things about. I think, many people can define their beliefs about trust and how they maintain in their life.

    I will say: It is very easy to destruct anyone's trust, but very tough to maintain. True trust is like gold, when you find it in your life, love it. I love true trust. :smile:
     
  10. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    6,503
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,727
    Trophy Points:
    380
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    6w5
    I'm with both of you in this one. I categorize within "people I can safely be around with", "people I can tell my interest and feelings", and "people I can tell my secret and flaws", and "people I can tell about me" :D

    it's made based on risk involved, things hidden and/or opened, and judged in the criteria of... I don't know. Intuition?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. Roger

    Roger ...

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2009
    Threads:
    80
    Messages:
    2,203
    Likes Received:
    219
    Trophy Points:
    205
    MBTI:
    ENFP
    Enneagram:
    -
    It looks like online trust is risky for you. Trust is always risky step to build anything. Giving true trust online is more risky because internet has only one dimension.
     
  12. yepunsarang

    yepunsarang Community Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Threads:
    5
    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    48
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    no, but I know pretty much right away when I can trust someone for sure. I guess I have a knack for things like this. The only issue is that there aren't a whole lot of people like that...
     
  13. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2009
    Threads:
    48
    Messages:
    2,879
    Likes Received:
    621
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ.
    Enneagram:
    4 x 6 (I think).

    ^^ this ^^
     
  14. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Threads:
    29
    Messages:
    4,314
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    12,413
    Trophy Points:
    887
    MBTI:
    uwot
    Enneagram:
    _
    I distrust everyone by default; until proven otherwise.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  15. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,821
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,257
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    Are you hiding something from all these people? That seems like a weird reason to not trust people who become your friends.

    I trust people, easily? no, not easily I put people behind a lot of walls and as they prove their worth to me I let them through more and more of them.
     
  16. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2008
    Threads:
    29
    Messages:
    4,304
    Likes Received:
    205
    Trophy Points:
    528
    MBTI:
    INxJ
    Enneagram:
    4w3
    I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

    However, I rarely divulge greatly personal things. I think it's something to avoid rejection; I've never really fully understood it. I'll tell people I don't know too well very deep things, whereas I won't tell my friends anything at all.
    I need to know the person won't freak out. I need to understand that it won't change things, or that they won't think less of me. It's not conscious; sometimes I can tell, and sometimes I just straight-up can't.

    As for relationship trust, I very, very rarely get close to anyone. I've fallen in love once; it's strange to suddenly need someone, when I've spent all my life feeling distant. Even when far away from everyone I had ever known, I felt more lonely than "missing" specific people most of the time. So, I guess in that sense, I really don't trust much at all.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  17. Paixlune

    Paixlune Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2010
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I've never gotten past that 'middle-trust' with anyone. I like this analogy very much which sort of sucks, because for me it says I am always waiting for someone to betray my trust and I just want to mitigate damages.
     
  18. Paixlune

    Paixlune Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2010
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I do this same thing! I always thought my spilling my guts to the unknown simply because they do not mean anything to me and so I can walk away if they 'reject me': my heart is intact. I don't have any emotional investment built into them. But to those I know and have invested emotional time in, these are the people that I find harder to share something that may make them reject me.

    Hopefully that makes sense.
     
  19. OP
    AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Threads:
    132
    Messages:
    2,838
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,998
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    I think that my main problem is that I'm afraid of being left too defenseless and vulnerable of what it implies letting someone in your circle of trust. All my life I've learned to take care of myself and to depend on nobody. I enjoy my freedom and independence from emotional non-attachment with others and situations. When I no longer enjoy being where I am, I simply leave and go to another place and meet new people. However doing that has resulted in not having a long history with others because I never let them have enough time to get to that stage of a relationship, be it friendship or romantic.

    I just guess that I have made this a habit that has proved too difficult to break.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  20. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2008
    Threads:
    29
    Messages:
    4,304
    Likes Received:
    205
    Trophy Points:
    528
    MBTI:
    INxJ
    Enneagram:
    4w3
    That makes perfect sense. I think I feel much the same way; that, and people you don't know won't carry your feelings on them like a burden. It's just an outlet -- and you almost certainly won't hurt them or make their life more difficult.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
Loading...

Share This Page