Do you want more from friendship than people can actually give? | INFJ Forum

Do you want more from friendship than people can actually give?

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Kero

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Dec 11, 2009
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Have you ever held back and thought to yourself?

"I'd really really like to hang out more and do more things together. But it doesn't seem very appropriate to be so close and demand so much time from the other person."

You want to go deeper but then realise that perhaps your idea of 'a close friendship' is expecting way too much from others. That the depth desired and care exchanged would be considered near the level of what is normally seen as part of a romantic relationship. OK that last part was an exaggeration.

Just curious.
What do you do in these scenarios?
 
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Yes. And it bothers me when they don't give as much as i think i do. But as you said, it maybe unfair to expect so much. But i'd rather not pursue the friendship and find someone who will invest as much time in it as i do, as long as we don't smother each other too much.
 
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Kero said:
Have you ever held back and thought to yourself?

"I'd really really like to hang out more and do more things together. But it doesn't seem very appropriate to be so close and demand so much time from the other person."

You want to go deeper but then realise that perhaps your idea of 'a close friendship' is expecting way too much from others. That the depth desired and care exchanged would be considered near the level of what is normally seen as part of a romantic relationship. OK that last part was an exaggeration.

Just curious.
What do you do in these scenarios?
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Hmm, somehow I never think that I am expecting too much of others. Close relations always are made by two people. I am concentrating on sharing idea at that moment, with no deeper secret expectations that it will bring something even more better to relation after some time. I am just giving myself as open as I can in that relation, and I am naturally sharing myself with other person. Then relation is built by two people naturally.
 
Yes I do this. I tend to not rush things or expect too much from friendships. Then again people my age have had family and other responsibilities for many years, and that is always in the back of my mind. This is something of a given among everybody at my stage of life.
 
This is where 'categories' come in.. You can put everyone into boxes such as "acquaintance" and "people you just know." Hopefully eventually someone fits into "friend" :smile:
 
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Yes, i agree. It is natural that we all expect best friendship from some people who can give. Now think from different angle, may happen we can't become their best friend. May happen that person is not wanting us as their best friend. I think, we should go with flow, otherwise we will get hurt. I used to do this in past, not now.

If we want best friendship, i think we should try for this ideas:
1. Be patient
2. Believe you can get best friend
3. Feel you are doing it, but don't expect high, remove your high expectation
4. Give more friendship as you can, but don't expect for their response
5. Give trust and love as friend

:)
 
Kero said:
Have you ever held back and thought to yourself?

"I'd really really like to hang out more and do more things together. But it doesn't seem very appropriate to be so close and demand so much time from the other person."

You want to go deeper but then realise that perhaps your idea of 'a close friendship' is expecting way too much from others. That the depth desired and care exchanged would be considered near the level of what is normally seen as part of a romantic relationship. OK that last part was an exaggeration.

Just curious.
What do you do in these scenarios?
Click to expand...


YES!!!!!!
And I sometimes find myself pushing the other person.
Sometimes it works well and the person is like "OMG, wow, we're so close!"
But sometimes they end up avoiding me I think....
I try now not to be pushy, but I also feel so alone. I am willing to do so much for my friends, but I guess I also need more?
I dunno!
 
!!!!!!!!!!!I do this way too often. I want to go above and beyond for people and I want them to do the same in return. I usually back off if I feel they won't be willing to devote as much time and openness.
 
I am going through a transition period where I have no close friends. It sucks because I've tried to reach out to my friends who I once was inseperable from. I know it has to do in part with the pressure I place on them. I expect them to be like a brother or a sister. I've often compared them to siblings. I want them to give as much to me as I give to them. I find I have a similar issue with anyone I am dating.
 
Right now, I have a lot of casual friends (or acquaintances) and only one very dear friend. But close friends mean the world to me. I think I'd like to transition some of my more casual friends to the close friend category very soon.

It takes a lot for me to really trust people, but once I do I'd give up the world for them. Period. When I'm loyal, I'm loyal for life.
 
Honestly, no. If anything it is the opposite. I like when people are easy going enough not to care whether I'm around or not - that's when I can enjoy being around them. Does that make sense?
 
May said:
Honestly, no. If anything it is the opposite. I like when people are easy going enough not to care whether I'm around or not - that's when I can enjoy being around them. Does that make sense?
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Is this because you don't like people depending on you?
 
BlinkandThink said:
Is this because you don't like people depending on you?
Click to expand...

Pretty much. If they are comfortable enough with themselves not to need my friendship, then ironically I'm far more willing to give it.
 
I completely relate to this. I've been feeling unsatisfied with my friendships lately--not so much in quantity as much as quality. I have a pretty wide circle of friends but none of them are as close as I'd like. Historically my best friendships have been really intense, so anything less feels unfulfilling. One problem is that I'm selective--I want intense friendships, but only with people I feel like I really connect with. But even when I do meet people I connect with, they often seem too busy with their careers or families to invest as much time/emotional energy into the friendship as I would like. It also seems harder to build these types of friendships as you get older.

I don't know if this desire for intense, deep friendships is an INFJ thing specifically, but I would certainly appreciate hearing what others think about it!
 
perhaps in this way we INJF's are a little vein...we DO give MUCH of ourselves to our relationships, and other types do not give as much...(they can but not always) I have found myself on the receiving end of so many broken friendships because they had taken all the needed from me...and whne I was downtrodden the stepped back hands raised shaking their heads..."no no...no I cant deal with that...you're on your own..."
 
Only when my female friends get boyfriends, then I hardly see them. I'd rather hang out more with my girlfriends than my boyfriend.
 
I do this all the time. I find most people at my age are already full of responsibilities and have close friends...not to mention careers and families to take care of. So I just take the company I can get from the people I enjoy!
 
I am being reminded of this now that I am single again. I have 3 people I consider friends and I find that I am left wondering, "Did I do or say something wrong". Two of them have kids so I know that kids are more important than me....

I guess I really do expect too much. It's not as if they are mad at me or anything because when we see each other throughout the week everything is the same as always. Two of these friendships are relatively new, so I think maybe I am still trying to figure out boundaries, etc.
 
I don't really have friends close enough for me to confide in.
 
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