Do you hold grudges?
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I don't hold grudges because I would rather not carry any extra negative emotions, I try not to dwell on things. And if someone is disappointing to me enough I just cut all the ties with the person. However, it does take quite a bit to get there..
Unfortunately I do... if someone hurts me I find it very hard to forget it, and I spend many hours trying to figure out why they have done so...
I guess I've always been this way >.< it's quite stressful ._.
I guess I've always been this way >.< it's quite stressful ._.
I hold grudges. I try not to but it is very difficult for me. Some things are hard to let go of, especially if my feelings were hurt. I think it's because I go out of my way to make sure I don't hurt anyone around me and I expect people to have the same respect for me. If the person apologizes and I feel that it is sincere, then that really does help a lot...but, I still keep it there in the back of my mind. (I will just never trust that person.)
Yes, but only if the person was important to me. I try not to hold grudges over small things and for the most part I'm successful. The worst betrayal of my life took me seven years to get over, and by then it was more that I had forgotten rather than forgiven. I will still have nothing to do with that person.
Perhaps it is because I over-invest in people to begin with, and expect too much. Perhaps it is just difficult for me to keep my feelings totally neutral, and so I swing from one extreme to the other. Not sure.
Perhaps it is because I over-invest in people to begin with, and expect too much. Perhaps it is just difficult for me to keep my feelings totally neutral, and so I swing from one extreme to the other. Not sure.
I do and I don't. "Holding a grudge" makes it sound like I purposely hold onto to my hate for that person, which is not the case. My problem is that I don't know how to let go of what happened. I don't think I've ever hated the people who wronged me. I felt angry, yes, but not hate. My anger, as I later have come to understand, is a defense mechanism that protects me in the heat of the moment. In the long run, I am left with sadness and THAT I don't know how to get rid of on my own.
Perhaps it's true that I forgive but not forget, because I've had no problem being around those people and interacting with them in friendly ways, but it happens that I am reminded of what they did and I experience the pain all over again.
So really, I think it's only the sadness that I don't know how to deal with. I don't think I've ever truly hated someone.
Perhaps it's true that I forgive but not forget, because I've had no problem being around those people and interacting with them in friendly ways, but it happens that I am reminded of what they did and I experience the pain all over again.
So really, I think it's only the sadness that I don't know how to deal with. I don't think I've ever truly hated someone.
Yes. But not in a vengeful arch nemesis way, I just find it helpful to make note of who is worth trusting or just associating with. I will always be leery of those I find to be manipulators and liars. I'll never trust someone who has shown themselves to be profoundly cruel.
But it bothers me more when people wrong others than when they wrong me. It makes me angrier. Not entirely sure what that's about. Maybe because I know it won't crush me or I feel like I know how to deal with it. Maybe that's incredibly overbearing and arrogant.
But it bothers me more when people wrong others than when they wrong me. It makes me angrier. Not entirely sure what that's about. Maybe because I know it won't crush me or I feel like I know how to deal with it. Maybe that's incredibly overbearing and arrogant.
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I like to forgive and forget, but its complicated
Holding onto anything negative or painful is simply going to weigh me down and hurt me, so i like to let go. I also love giving people another chance. But i like to learn from what happened and see where i can improve myself and my life. I also want to be more discerning with my choices. If something is too painful for me to deal with, i will forgive, forget, cut out, and move foward.
Its hard for me to think of the best analogy, ive got a cold and im tired- but here we go- i bought a blender last year, a supposedly really good and expensive one. It was pretty mean to me, wasted my time, wrecked a couple of otherwise good meals and cocktails and was a pain in the ass. So i threw away the blender. Once i threw it away, its not in my life anymore. I cant discard and keep it simultaneously. Why would i want to remember that blender or keep a photo of it? And when i go to buy my next blender, i dont want to immediately judge all similar blenders that way. They too may be shit, but perhaps they wont be. I wont know until i try. But if i hold the thought in my mind that this next blender will be shit and i have negative expectations, there is a good chance that the blender will be shit or i think it is shit anyway. What would be more productive is if i am more discerning and clear about my choice next time. Do some research, find exaclty what i want, and buy that. I can learn from my experience and still not hold anything negative. Terrible analogy, i know
Holding onto anything negative or painful is simply going to weigh me down and hurt me, so i like to let go. I also love giving people another chance. But i like to learn from what happened and see where i can improve myself and my life. I also want to be more discerning with my choices. If something is too painful for me to deal with, i will forgive, forget, cut out, and move foward.
Its hard for me to think of the best analogy, ive got a cold and im tired- but here we go- i bought a blender last year, a supposedly really good and expensive one. It was pretty mean to me, wasted my time, wrecked a couple of otherwise good meals and cocktails and was a pain in the ass. So i threw away the blender. Once i threw it away, its not in my life anymore. I cant discard and keep it simultaneously. Why would i want to remember that blender or keep a photo of it? And when i go to buy my next blender, i dont want to immediately judge all similar blenders that way. They too may be shit, but perhaps they wont be. I wont know until i try. But if i hold the thought in my mind that this next blender will be shit and i have negative expectations, there is a good chance that the blender will be shit or i think it is shit anyway. What would be more productive is if i am more discerning and clear about my choice next time. Do some research, find exaclty what i want, and buy that. I can learn from my experience and still not hold anything negative. Terrible analogy, i know
No grudges, but I will 'write off' people. ie. I will not waste my time with them in the future.
I guess the difference I see between this and a grudge is that I think of a grudge as being with resentment.
I guess the difference I see between this and a grudge is that I think of a grudge as being with resentment.
Yes and No...
To be more specific (because "yes" and "no" really tells you nothing...), I will say that it takes a LOT to really get me to the point where I am actually angry with someone. But once they have crossed that line with me, there really is no going back. I write them off, and it's over. And I don't miss them, I lose all compassion for them, and I don't think much about them except annoyance or disdain. BUT, there are only a handful of people in my life who this has happened with, and I blame them for it, because I give and give and give and forgive and forgive and forgive...so if someone pushes me to the point of holding a grudge, then they probably deserve it.
I read somewhere that this is kind of an INFJ thing? I dunno...but I am certainly like that.
To be more specific (because "yes" and "no" really tells you nothing...), I will say that it takes a LOT to really get me to the point where I am actually angry with someone. But once they have crossed that line with me, there really is no going back. I write them off, and it's over. And I don't miss them, I lose all compassion for them, and I don't think much about them except annoyance or disdain. BUT, there are only a handful of people in my life who this has happened with, and I blame them for it, because I give and give and give and forgive and forgive and forgive...so if someone pushes me to the point of holding a grudge, then they probably deserve it.
I read somewhere that this is kind of an INFJ thing? I dunno...but I am certainly like that.
I just had a thought, though...
I hold a few grudges from when I was a child. I think back then I was more sensitive, and people can actually be less considerate of children, try to dominate them, etc. The childhood grudges are for things that seem trivial, but there must have been something about them that struck a real nerve with me. So while I only can think of 4 adult grudges I hold in my adult life, I can think of several from when I was a child (i.e., under 8 years old). For example:
1) A grudge against a woman at church. I was probably 3. I still remember her first and last name (I won't say because the internet can be a small world...). How crazy is that??? But, the story is that my mom took me to the nursery. I was crying when she left me. The woman picked me up and told me that if I didn't stop crying she would spank me. And I will tell you, that until I was in high school we attended that church, and I always avoided that woman, was curt if I had to say something to her, and I still hold quite a bit of disdain for her when I think about her.
2) My 3rd grade teacher. I always felt like she didn't like me, but I didn't know why. I just knew. My INFJ-self knew. I wasn't used to people not liking me for no apparent reason, and I really wasn't a "naughty" kid. But I know there was something she didn't like about me, and I truly resented her for it. One time I was looking out the window from the classroom and noticed that the leaves were budding--it was springtime. I was usually very attentive, so it wasn't like I was constantly looking outside and not paying attention, but she yelled at me for it. And I remember hating her so much, thinking that her reaction was completely out of line. I thought, "she is supposed to be a grown-up and she gets upset about something like that??". I think I saw it as an injustice. She also yelled at a friend of mine, too, and made her cry, and I was so angry. I still remember where I was standing in the classroom, full of resentment and fury at the injustice.
I think the spanking thing was also an "injustice" thing, an adult reacting in a way that was completely overly stern for the situation.
So...just some thoughts.
I hold a few grudges from when I was a child. I think back then I was more sensitive, and people can actually be less considerate of children, try to dominate them, etc. The childhood grudges are for things that seem trivial, but there must have been something about them that struck a real nerve with me. So while I only can think of 4 adult grudges I hold in my adult life, I can think of several from when I was a child (i.e., under 8 years old). For example:
1) A grudge against a woman at church. I was probably 3. I still remember her first and last name (I won't say because the internet can be a small world...). How crazy is that??? But, the story is that my mom took me to the nursery. I was crying when she left me. The woman picked me up and told me that if I didn't stop crying she would spank me. And I will tell you, that until I was in high school we attended that church, and I always avoided that woman, was curt if I had to say something to her, and I still hold quite a bit of disdain for her when I think about her.
2) My 3rd grade teacher. I always felt like she didn't like me, but I didn't know why. I just knew. My INFJ-self knew. I wasn't used to people not liking me for no apparent reason, and I really wasn't a "naughty" kid. But I know there was something she didn't like about me, and I truly resented her for it. One time I was looking out the window from the classroom and noticed that the leaves were budding--it was springtime. I was usually very attentive, so it wasn't like I was constantly looking outside and not paying attention, but she yelled at me for it. And I remember hating her so much, thinking that her reaction was completely out of line. I thought, "she is supposed to be a grown-up and she gets upset about something like that??". I think I saw it as an injustice. She also yelled at a friend of mine, too, and made her cry, and I was so angry. I still remember where I was standing in the classroom, full of resentment and fury at the injustice.
I think the spanking thing was also an "injustice" thing, an adult reacting in a way that was completely overly stern for the situation.
So...just some thoughts.
Hard question. In the short run, yes. In the long run, no.
I get annoyed easily (perhaps a by-product of being opinionated) but tend to work hard at looking at what is going on with me to figure out why. If I come to the conclusion that someone is being "someway" then my response is to ignore them for awhile or forever. It just depends on how much I like the person if I write them off or not. I rarely, if ever, tell someone I am hurt by something and resolve the situation internally.
In the long run, the problem usually works itself out. Either I have only limited contact or I get over whatever and things go on. While I think people shy away from the word 'grudge' it is apapros. I find that people dislike talking about their unlovely selves and the word 'grudge' is the best descriptor for holding something against someone of a personal nature.
I find though, that I don't feel the need to carry things with me for much longer than a week or two at most. Funny enough, most of the time it is a misunderstanding or someone touching on a sensitive spot anyway. I don't feel the need to discuss my feelings and am normally able to just work through whatever it is and make a decision about the relationship.
I get annoyed easily (perhaps a by-product of being opinionated) but tend to work hard at looking at what is going on with me to figure out why. If I come to the conclusion that someone is being "someway" then my response is to ignore them for awhile or forever. It just depends on how much I like the person if I write them off or not. I rarely, if ever, tell someone I am hurt by something and resolve the situation internally.
In the long run, the problem usually works itself out. Either I have only limited contact or I get over whatever and things go on. While I think people shy away from the word 'grudge' it is apapros. I find that people dislike talking about their unlovely selves and the word 'grudge' is the best descriptor for holding something against someone of a personal nature.
I find though, that I don't feel the need to carry things with me for much longer than a week or two at most. Funny enough, most of the time it is a misunderstanding or someone touching on a sensitive spot anyway. I don't feel the need to discuss my feelings and am normally able to just work through whatever it is and make a decision about the relationship.
No, because–
* This is a willful cognitive distortion which helps me enjoy my life experience, at the expense of what some might call a grounding in reality.
Plus, I guess I think a lot about the idea that no one can hurt me unless I give them permission, as well as the idea that hurt is a gift of sorts inasmuch as it serves as an excellent teacher in regards to the knowing of Self.
cheers,
Ian
- I don’t want to give energy to thoughts that lead to feelings which I experience as unpleasant, upsetting, painful, etc.
- I tend to look for and see the positive aspects of people, even when that means dismissing a person’s negative aspects.*
- My memory sucks, and
- I value forgiveness and redemption to the point that I get noticeably excited when I see their possibility in a story, and so I wish to see their possibility in life.
* This is a willful cognitive distortion which helps me enjoy my life experience, at the expense of what some might call a grounding in reality.
Plus, I guess I think a lot about the idea that no one can hurt me unless I give them permission, as well as the idea that hurt is a gift of sorts inasmuch as it serves as an excellent teacher in regards to the knowing of Self.
cheers,
Ian