do you feel like killing yourself?

soulseeker

soulseeker

Permanent Fixture
MBTI
INFJ
I don't know what to do...... i know we have a feeling of being rejected

so this is my story...... i had a lot of friends i had a close close friend.(FRIEND B)..... then FRIEND A talked behind my back they told bad stuffs about me(HURTFUL STUFFS LIKE i'm soo poor and i'm a nobody, that i don't have a car i don't have anything i can't buy this and that.... because i go to a school where people are rich and i'm not i feel like i don't belong...... so she gossips about how small my house is and how my parents are weird and how i'm fat) TO FRIEND B AND C.... then i didn't mind it at first thinking it was just ok because i thought FRIEND A would change then it repeated again and as time grew i can't take it anymore i quit my group of friends and started to hang out with my other frirends but to clear things up, THE FIGHT WAS BETWEEN ME AND FRIEND A THEN SUDDENLY FOR I DON'T KNOW WHAT REASON, FRIEND B AND C STARTED TO GET MAD AT ME AND i don't know why.....they made faces....SO IT WAS JUST OK but then my situation with my other friends, they also make me feel out of place i don't know what to do again then from top 1(in class) i became top 10 and i feel so ashamed now i don't have friends, FRIENDS A B AND C will laugh at me and then i'm out of place then i cried to my tutor i expected to be comforted but just made me feel more down... then i cried to my parents i was also expecting that they would comfort me then suddenly, my mother shouted at me she said I WAS THE PROBLEM, I DIDN'T STUDY HARD WELL IN FACT I STUDY AT 6 AND SLEEP AT 12 AM AND WAKE UP AT 4 AM JUST TO STUDY..... SHE SAID I AM THE PROBLEM IT'S ALL MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT WHY MY FRIENDS LAUGH AT ME MY FAULT WHY I FEEL THAT I'M SOO BRAVE BUT IN FACT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING....... THEN MY DAD COMFORTED ME BUT SUDDENLY HE SHOUTED AT ME HE TOLD ME THAT THEY WISHED THEY GAVE ME TO OTHER PARENTS THEY WISH THEY DIDNT HAVE A CHILD HE REPEATED THAT A LOT OF TIMES THEN FINALLY HE SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE ME AND ALSO REPEATED THAT A LOT OF TIMES then he said that I GAVE ALL THE PROBLEMS TO MY FAMILIY I AM THE PROBLEM HE SAID THAT GOD GAVE ME THESE PROBLEMS BECAUSE I FIGHT BACK WHEN THEY SERMON ME BUT HOW CAN I NOT FIGHT BACK WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I DIDNT STUDY HARD I AM THE PROBLEM I GIVE THEM THE PROBLEMS THEY HAVE IN LIFE I AM THE SOURCE OF ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS...THEN THEY BOTH WENT OUT TO EAT........ AND I DONT KNOW WHY GOD GAVE ME THIS LIFE........ I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!!!!
 
I know there are times when the world seems unbearable. But if you're sincerely this distressed, I HIGHLY recommend finding someone to talk to who might be more detached and objective... school guidance counsellor, your family doctor, or look in the phone book for a Suicide Hotline number. You can even call directory assistance and they can give you the number.

*hug*
 
What Zen said, keep talking until someone pays attention to you. There are people who will listen and care you need to find them.
 
Don't worry.I do feel like this all the time.I have nobody to talk actually.My parents are more worried over their chores and stuff when i speak.Sometimes they don't hear it or just ignore me and continue their subject.My mother starts scolding and complaining when she is stress.It doesn't matter what, its needed.Try to understand and ignore what your parents say.Thrive hard.They would have send you away if they didn't love you.Sometimes i have people coming and telling me how their parents tell them its their problem too.They are still living today, glad they didn't committed suicide.They are happy and the lousy crap rubbish people are angry or never ever happy with themselves.They will never find real friends.

Don't try killing please.You'll regret it very much.In life, there will be people who loves you and care for you.The cruelty of this world give you meaning of life too.I'm not a very rich person too.I have friends who are poor and don't have a car.Some don't even have bread to eat at home.This people aren't your friends.Tell them, F*ck the material wealth,you aren't worth my time.Either way, ignore them.Since you don't have true friends, strike out as an independent person.Don't show fear.Have confidence in yourself.This people rely on your actions too to continue this whole gossip.There will be people who would also defend you for your actions and if really had not done anything.In my own opinion, i rather not have any wind blowing friends that sway as it goes.I rather be a loner and here i am.When i'm alone, i tend to find that people keep coming to me.When i go to recess alone and sit with my chocolate muffin, there will be people suddenly calling you to sit with them.Some would be your friends and help you along the way.I think your parents are just experinceing stress.The world isn't going that well.Banks and business have to close down soon.People are losing their jobs.Do the best you can during this period.It's hard but nobody would like to see a person commit suicde.It's terrible.I know how it feels to want to go sucidal and feel depress everyday.Failure, getting made fun of, not having friends, people who have turned their backs on me,spreading rumors of how me and my aquaintance was lying about things and stirring her story tale.I have experienced before.People are watching out there.Don't be afraid to step out for who you are.This time, you're going to show your potential in who you are.This is going to make you stronger and probably intimidate bad people.It can be used as a weapon too.Make up is like a battle weapon when you go to war.Never cry or the make up is smudged up.

Smile.This seriously makes a difference.Go skipping.This whole thing would wear off soon.People will scarce off and talk about what a big deal this people made.At this period when you're alone, you can think about what kind of friends you look for, what you want to achieve in life.Find yourself.Ask questions.Build your self esteem too in this period.It will keep you occupied.Find a quiet place in school nobody goes.Buy bread and eat.Enjoy the nice wind.I'll send windy cat there in my place.

 
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Everybody belongs somewhere.

[YOUTUBE]zVGihyLCOi0&feature=channel_page[/YOUTUBE]
 
Not at this particular point in my life.

There have been times but nows not one of them.

I'll wait to see how my life turns out, if I don't get murdered or die a pathetic death, and I make it to old age, but decide that none of it was worth it, then sure, I'll regret not killing myself, but really there's only one way to see if it's worth it and that's to stay alive.
 
soulseeker said:
I don't know what to do...... i know we have a feeling of being rejected

so this is my story...... i had a lot of friends i had a close close friend.(FRIEND B)..... then FRIEND A talked behind my back they told bad stuffs about me(HURTFUL STUFFS LIKE i'm soo poor and i'm a nobody, that i don't have a car i don't have anything i can't buy this and that.... because i go to a school where people are rich and i'm not i feel like i don't belong...... so she gossips about how small my house is and how my parents are weird and how i'm fat) TO FRIEND B AND C.... then i didn't mind it at first thinking it was just ok because i thought FRIEND A would change then it repeated again and as time grew i can't take it anymore i quit my group of friends and started to hang out with my other frirends but to clear things up, THE FIGHT WAS BETWEEN ME AND FRIEND A THEN SUDDENLY FOR I DON'T KNOW WHAT REASON, FRIEND B AND C STARTED TO GET MAD AT ME AND i don't know why.....they made faces....SO IT WAS JUST OK but then my situation with my other friends, they also make me feel out of place i don't know what to do again then from top 1(in class) i became top 10 and i feel so ashamed now i don't have friends, FRIENDS A B AND C will laugh at me and then i'm out of place then i cried to my tutor i expected to be comforted but just made me feel more down... then i cried to my parents i was also expecting that they would comfort me then suddenly, my mother shouted at me she said I WAS THE PROBLEM, I DIDN'T STUDY HARD WELL IN FACT I STUDY AT 6 AND SLEEP AT 12 AM AND WAKE UP AT 4 AM JUST TO STUDY..... SHE SAID I AM THE PROBLEM IT'S ALL MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT WHY MY FRIENDS LAUGH AT ME MY FAULT WHY I FEEL THAT I'M SOO BRAVE BUT IN FACT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING....... THEN MY DAD COMFORTED ME BUT SUDDENLY HE SHOUTED AT ME HE TOLD ME THAT THEY WISHED THEY GAVE ME TO OTHER PARENTS THEY WISH THEY DIDNT HAVE A CHILD HE REPEATED THAT A LOT OF TIMES THEN FINALLY HE SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE ME AND ALSO REPEATED THAT A LOT OF TIMES then he said that I GAVE ALL THE PROBLEMS TO MY FAMILIY I AM THE PROBLEM HE SAID THAT GOD GAVE ME THESE PROBLEMS BECAUSE I FIGHT BACK WHEN THEY SERMON ME BUT HOW CAN I NOT FIGHT BACK WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I DIDNT STUDY HARD I AM THE PROBLEM I GIVE THEM THE PROBLEMS THEY HAVE IN LIFE I AM THE SOURCE OF ALL OF THEIR PROBLEMS...THEN THEY BOTH WENT OUT TO EAT........ AND I DONT KNOW WHY GOD GAVE ME THIS LIFE........ I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!!!!
Click to expand...

Wow. You sound like me in middle school. I know how hard prep schools can be. The wealthy elite who go to them are practically raised there: like generations upon generations of families. Hang in there soulseeker!

I definitely feel deeply hurt for you. I can't say how sorry I am for all of this. I know how much pain stupid people can inflict, how careless and inhumane they can seem, and how oblivious to your problems family can be sometimes. It doesn't seem fair, and it isn't.

But, at the same time, your life is precious, so is your time. Don't let grief over those fake friends waste it. I know you will be able to find true friends in life as I did. Don't lose hope! :)
 
just before i read this, i stumbled on one of my old favourites. it's a quote about suicide. i posted it in my blog and it honestly changed my perspective on the whole thing.

it takes a lot of courage to live.

“anyone desperate enough for suicide should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to new zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try.
RICHARD BACH
​
 
I've had a particular moment in my life where I thought about this, some eight years back. It was a result of a lot of loss in a short period of time. I felt really alone. I'm glad I didn't, and I appreciate life a lot more than I used to.

If you can -- travel. Even just a day hike, but if you can, get out of your social circle. I grew up in a small middle school / high school where everyone knew each other for years. It was a miserable experience, and I often wonder how I survived. But I didn't have any perspective until I had the opportunity to travel and meet other people - even redefine myself in better ways.

Just remember that life is so full of opportunity. You have so much power to do whatever you want in your life. Maybe you don't realize that now, but you will one day.
 
*steals ohmermaid's quote*
I should keep that in mind the next time I feel really depressed.

"Location: Asia" - oh dear... it can be pretty tough to be an NF with sterotypical Asian parents, who are often XSTJ.

*hug*
 
I don't know how to put this as eloquently as the other posters have, but if your anything like me, you need to snap out of it. I wanted to kill myself, and couldn't go through with it, which made me feel even worse and made me want to do it all over again and, in general, feel like crap.

To be honest, if you've 'never' thought about suicide, you might just be part of the problem with society than the solution. (not justifying it, just something I agree with. It's a semi quote from hard as nails, a catholic movie; not a catholic nor christian though)
 
Every school day, I wake up and ask myself if I feel like doing it today, and for some reason I've always thought "No, maybe today will be different..."
 
It's called taking life one day at a time.
 
You can make it through just have a little patience. It is only in the midst of the dark that you can see the brightest light, remember that.

I have been thinking about putting and end to shit lately, had the thought running in my head on how etc.. but then there is the interference of the F, where 'I'm going to miss those I love' and 'I fear death' 'why cannot someone Love me instead' etc.. So I don't do it because I'm weak or with a little time I get better
 
Instead of thinking of all the bad things in your life, why don't you think of all the good things you have. One good thing can go a long way.
 
I've felt like this numerous times before. In fact even a few times in a couple of months, just a feeling of being constantly drained. I've taken thoughts of suicide somewhat seriously, pondering methods of doing it, and never really telling anyone about it (because I know that a part of me wanted to do it for attention or whatever)

Anyways regardless, lets look at your situation:

- Friend A started gossiping about how poor you are
- You feel like a failure because you're no longer doing well in school,
- You believe your friends hate you
- Your looked for help and advice from your tutor but he/she didnt help you at all, it just made you feel worse about yourself
- You try hard but you're still struggling
- Your dad blamed all the problems of his family on you.

Man thats some serious shit! And I thought I had problems! Regardless the truth of these occurances is this:

- You were born at a disadvantage, your 'friends' may have been born into large houses and things, but you must deal with the reality that you are NOT rich.

- Your success in school is contingent upon multiple things. Your morale (if you believe you will fail, you will subconsciously just not try very hard -- and might even do things which are self-destructive to your goal to do better), your use of organizing (for example, if you do not make use of techniques such as writing in margins, highlighting, rewriting things in point form -- then it will be harder to retain knowledge)

- Your friends do not know you. Most types of hatred stem from ignorance, that is THEIR problem to deal with. A lot of introverted intuitive types tend to get stuck in a terrible feedback loop. I for example become more withdrawn when i'm depressed, and this does nothing to alleviate my depression. When i'm expressing myself, I feel more alive and this brings more positive things into my life.

- Your tutor is not your therapist. Some people are just not understanding of others and will never have the tools or inclination to WANT to help people. There can be several reasons why this occurred. In some cases if we have strong feelings about things, we can read into things to the point where the real meaning gets distorted.

- Your dad's problems are his own. You do not own them. It is his life path that he had you as a child, and it is his karma (how he has acted for and against others) that has brought his numerous problems and joys into his life. 'Bad' children for example come out of 'bad' parenting -- this is what I mean by karma. The choices we make will often come back and bite us in the ass just as much as the ones we don't make. Life goes on. Oh yeah, and just because your parents end up being right most of the time this DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE INFALLIBLE. Everyone has their issues, and even many older adults see fit to project their issues onto others. Again, this has nothing to do with you. This is just everyone elses personal hangups causing misery for others.

Regardless. You are not alone. If you belive your friends do not like you for yourself, keep searching -- as long as you put yourself out there, you'll find people who like you for you (scars and all).

G'luck in your struggles. School is not always easy. Face in the direction of the pain, and just advance.
 
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Very well written ZeroAngel! Good advice there.
As I come from a familly where most measures to raise me (the only child) were defficient and poor in nurturance. Therefore I say: "Don't let their problems be your problems!"
Don't take their responsibility and apply it on yourself.
Thinking that your friends (if they are true friends) hate you reflects that you feel unloved. I usually think everyone hates me when I don't feel loved or appreciated. However if they really do hate you then they were never really true friends, because a true friend will not be able to 'hate' the other as she has experienced the lovable sides which overpower the bad ones. From my observation they are trash and are merely envious and cought in the naive mood of 'teenage hate'. Stay strong! :)
 
Someone once told me something very wise, that I'd like to pass on:

"I believe that there is nothing in life that we cannot get through. NOTHING".

I know how hard it can be when you feel so deeply down and hurting that you wonder whether it's all necessary, and start looking for way out. I've been there. It can get better... and when it does, believe me it will be worth it. Hang in there! Try to surround yourself with positivity as much as you can, including focusing on the good in your life. I know it can be hard to feel grateful for things when you're hurting over things you wish you had and didn't have. But a little gratitude truly goes a very long way. :hug: (not that I'm saying that you're not grateful now.. ). And in the meantime, there are people here who are listening, care, and understand.
 
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jeez...this reminds me of something....oh well, life is crap. DO IT!! (neh, just kidding. you know, I don't think those things are worth it--those pathetic pieces of flesh you call friends--. you just have to hang in there, find a way to ignore all those maniacs and just find your own place. I think every person have thought about killing themselves sometime in their lives, but if you give up then all your life was worthless. every pain you went through would mean nothing. just find a way to escape all the bad stuff and try to find happiness, even in all that darkness. okay, this parenthesis is freakin long and I'm in a bad mood so there, that's my way of thinking)

oh, regarding the title question, yeas, I have. many times. but I don't know, I want to see the world change, I want to see what's next, and I'm also hoping things will get better if I give them some time. besides, I think I care too much for my family. I've seen parents whose child commited suicide and they were soo messed up. I couldn't stand doing that to my parents (though I know they don't really care about me. at least not right now)
 
I think the only thing that stops me from killing myself is this strong, intuitive feeling that one day, I'll be out of here. That all this suffering is going to lead me to where I want to be. I've got a overtly-religious, control freak, seemingly bi-polar mother who can be quite loving and extremely emotionally abusive in the same vein whom fought for my love over an overtly-religious, control freak, physically and emotionally abusive father, who always told me "I'm right! He/she is wrong!" Then I've got a sister who's basically a miniature version of my mom. Compounded by the fact that I'm a pro-transit, pro-bike, pro-city kid in stuck in lower middle class suburbs and go to a way overcrowded school in which you'd be lucky to even find soap or paper towels to wash your hands with. Add that with the fact that it's high school, 'nuff said and I often catch flack for "acting white" (I'm African-American), and I think I think the only thing that keeps me going is knowing the fact that I'll either get to the school of my dreams, or I'm always two steps away from killing myself I'd say.

Whenever I feel at my lowest, I remember the fact that I'm 17 years old. I've dealt with 17 years of that, and I only have one more to go. It is January 2009, and I'll be applying to that school of my dreams Early Decision by November of this exact year. And I'll find out the results in December of this year. Then six months later, it's all over.

I don't really keep going by taking things one day at a time. I keep going by setting checkpoints in my life. Like, "Yeah things suck now, but these are coming up:

1. Speech Contest Feb 1st.
2. Carleton College summer program reunion on Feb. 12th
3. Interview?

I just constantly make mental calendars of things that are worth living for in the next few weeks. Then I keep in mind those important deadlines in my head of things I really want to do. It's not the healthiest way to live, but it keeps me going.
 
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