Do you evaluate 'romantic potential' when meeting another person?

[Kero]

Hey all,
This is my first post here and I have a problem that I hope others here can give me a little helping hand on. This is mostly because I'm a total newbie in the area of romance, despite reading up so much on the topic. ^^'

Anyhow... with further ado.

It appears that when I'm interacting with girls that I'm actively interested in getting to know, I'm unconsciously putting them in the mental category of "friends with the possability of more" depending on how well my future interactions with them will be.

It's especially disturbing when I think that at one point I had considered a potential relationship with one of my closest university friend. When I think about the idea of being with them now, especially as they have a boyfriend, I can't imagine it at all and the idea seems extremely weird. However I've got to acknowledge the fact that if my friend hadn't gotten a boyfriend, and we had gotten to know each better, the possability that we might have been together (in an alternative universe)...

For me this is just really weird. I'm not entirely sure what to make out of this. Do other people experience this sort of emotions?

Part of me feels like if I've fallen for someone, it's only because they were the first one to come along and that I could have ended up with someone completely different depending on the circumstances. In that sense, it feels like I'm just desperate to be in a relationship, if I'm evaluating several people (I don't do this with all girls but it's enough to make me question my authenticity of feelings for a particular person).

Anybody willing to share some insight on how they interact with the gender(s) that is of love interests?

 

[Entyqua]

Hmmm I think on some level everyone puts everyone they meet into folders in their head. "this ones totally going in my sex file" "this ones not even worth a folder" "this ones total friend material" "this ones going in my love file"

We all do it. All basic forms of attraction are very primal basic. All in all I think physical attraction is the most animalistic trait humans still hold on to. The only way you'll know if they go beyond the hot folder to the datable folder is to get to know them. While on some primitive level all you really want to do is mount them or be mounted by them.
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[VH]

I always evaluate romantic potential as a top priority.

However, I do this by looking at the potential for emotional and mental chemistry. I evaluate how well a potential partner will be able to meet my needs for physical and emotional affection, as well as how well I might be able to meet hers. I'm evaluating that special quality that transcends friendship, sexual chemistry, intellectual compatibility, similar interests, etc.

As a guy, I've found that very few men do this.

 

[Isis]

Hmmm I think on some level everyone puts everyone they meet into folders in their head. "this ones totally going in my sex file" "this ones not even worth a folder" "this ones total friend material" "this ones going in my love file"

I agree. I think I always put all the guys into the "Undecided" file at first and then start analyzing them and over time they're all neatly filed away.

I try not to be affected by feelings at first. Being attracted to somebody makes me concentrate and analyze them more to uncover the potential. But it certainly depends on how open I am to romantic feelings at that time. Sometimes there's nothing at all.

Come to think of it, I do this with everybody, not only with "romantic potential".

 

[Questingpoet]

I always evaluate romantic potential as a top priority.

However, I do this by looking at the potential for emotional and mental chemistry. I evaluate how well a potential partner will be able to meet my needs for physical and emotional affection, as well as how well I might be able to meet hers. I'm evaluating that special quality that transcends friendship, sexual chemistry, intellectual compatibility, similar interests, etc.

As a guy, I've found that very few men do this.

Totally agree, very few guys do this. Most never go that deep, even if they think they are looking beyond just physical attraction. Women look and evaluate on a whole other level. And they are usually much better at it (evaluating).

I know when I was younger and dating, I was pretty damn stupid when it came to relations and evaluating potential partners. That has changed A LOT. I've always been smart in almost everything except relationships. Since I was married I've been kind of able to sit back and play the "what if" game without really being too emotionally involved. Now that that may be changing, I find my thoughts and processes regarding this are much different than years ago.

Yeah, like Entyqua said, I pretty much try to catagorize everyone--and that includes females and romantic interest. I think we all here probably do this as we are interested in MBTI, and that's what it does--it catagories people. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you (OP) are saying. You are just trying to make sense out of people in relation to yourself. As long as you are fair with them, and truthful with yourself it's fine in my opinion.

 

[Gaze]

Interesting topic. I think, as Enty said, we put people into categories to understand how they fit, and then we gradually or sometimes pretty quickly screen out who seems "worthy" and who doesn't. idk i evaluate romantic potential but i have difficulty trusting my judgment on any kind of initial attraction. i'm too easily drawn in, and sometimes someone will too easily seem like a "potential" love interest when they're far from it, or i may begin to idealize the qualities i'm attracted to, so in my mind their romantic potential is greater than it should be. So, sometimes i will end up with an averaged size folder of potentials who are not really potential. Hmm.

 

[randomsomeone]

"this ones not even worth a folder"

This is the folder I wind up in...that or "I don't even have a folder for this one!"

If any specific information is needed in order to more deeply explore and understand these particular folder qualifications, please let me know.

 

[Solongo]

I agree. I think I always put all the guys into the "Undecided" file at first and then start analyzing them and over time they're all neatly filed away.".

Solongo considers throwing or burning her files away!

 

[IndigoSensor]

I always evaluate romantic potential as a top priority.

However, I do this by looking at the potential for emotional and mental chemistry. I evaluate how well a potential partner will be able to meet my needs for physical and emotional affection, as well as how well I might be able to meet hers. I'm evaluating that special quality that transcends friendship, sexual chemistry, intellectual compatibility, similar interests, etc.

As a guy, I've found that very few men do this.

I do this exact thing.

Only difference is this process will only go on if there is enough inital physical attraction. If there is no physical attraction, I won't really put much thought into it as a potential.

 

[enfp can be shy]

@OP, there's nothing wrong with that, don't worry. I wonder why do you think it is something to worry about, you haven't harmed anyone. You seem to be too hard on yourself.

There's one thing about relationships that I can't completely understand - many people think just in terms of what they get. "Does it suit me well, or not". However, this isn't enough to work long term. I usually reject in my head a lot of good opportunities, if I don't see them possible to fit mutually. I don't understand what's the worth of getting something you can't sustain. You won't be going anywhere afterwards.

About putting people in relationship-potential categories; nope, I don't do that. I mean, this may contradict with what I wrote above, but it doesn't. I just don't think in terms of categories and files. I have a sense, and follow it; and I'm also open to changes in that sense - meaning, I could realize that there's something more, at a later moment. But the representation as some labels or scores of value put over people just doesn't work with me. Couldn't think that way, even if I had to.

 

[WellNoWonder]

I do. But I am rarely attracted to anyone so mine is more of an evaluation of character and how a person expresses self. If I have to go that far, then I'm usually done sizing the person up and moving on to the next one. When I am attracted to someone, it is instantaneous, upon first eye contact. And I'm usually the one who pursues....

I'm always acutely aware of sexual attraction from the other person. I am wary of those who display that immediately.

I am also very aware and wary of those who are attracted me being "different". I think they view me as a challenge, or someone to be conquered, which I think is very unfair, and animalistic even. I have fallen out with MANY MEN over this issue. They proclaim I am bitchy, when in fact, I am not going to be taken down several notches to make them or anyone else comfortable with dealing with me.