Conflict solving with INFJs | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Conflict solving with INFJs

slant said:
I think it's due to an inability to state a problem and solution in a short, precise, straight to the point manner. I have also observed that they will go on and on about a problem for much too long, when the explanation could have been said in few words. For me this is confusing. I do not understand how to cut out the fluff of an explanation.
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Keep in mind that the whole thing is very nebulous, very... ephemeral, if that's the right word. I struggle very much to be concise in my descriptions, thoughts, etc. It's not a simple concrete matter, but ubiquitous and therefore somewhat indefinable. Kind of like what Von Hase said.
 
:/

Damnit. I need to just not get into conflicts with INFJs. This solving method is ridiculously complicated.
 
Ridiculously complicated, just like the INFJs involved. :wink:
 
True, so true.

I think it just takes a lot of effort on both sides to get a conflict resolved. It takes a certain amount of objectivity and the ability to recognize problems. Perhaps when in a conflict with an INFJ, there should be a cooling off period for the INFJ to get back in control of their feelings and the other party to try to understand what has been said.
 
Experience affects problem solving a great deal as well. I tend to go to a rigorously rational place when there is conflict or stresses. The skill that makes it possible to have empathy, to be able to put my own feelings aside and view the world through someone else's eyes is the same skill that lets me set aside feelings and focus on reason. This may be in part from empathizing for years with someone who extremely fit the T category.

My family are extreme Fs and I've had horrible misunderstandings where they have exaggerated my words to the point they were completely unrecognizable to me because they were feeling emotional. I was devastated for not being able to gauge it ahead of time, but that might be partly from living apart and losing track of the nuance of who they are. What I learned from this is that when a person is in an emotional state, the first step is to help calm them down and feel secure. Once calm the problem solving can begin. For myself I can handle hurtful and poorly timed criticisms pretty well. I did have to learn it though.

Edit: I think that emotional states tend to exaggerate words to the point of absolutes. Anxiety tends to create tunnel vision in this same way. The way language is used has to change in an emotional context because the meanings change. By presenting positive absolutes, one can help re-stabilize the situation.
 
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Von Hase said:
Conflict resolution has to take several things into consideration.

Each party's perspective.
Each party's problem.
Each party's priorities.
Each party's ideal resolution.

The problem is simple. You're assuming that INFJs have similar perspectives, problems, priorities, or ideal resolutions to your own. This is unwise because INFJs are the least like any other MBTI type.

For example:

Your perspective: The problem can be defined logically by isolating the inefficiency.
Their perspective: If there is a problem, it is one of philosophical absolutes that cannot be defined, and likely serve no purpose explaining, as this will only cause more problems.
(INFJs see where you are coming from. It's what we do.)

Your problem: We are not communicating effectively.
Their problem: We are in a conflict with someone who cannot understand our perspective, yet demands to communicate with us effectively.
(INFJs are communicating just fine. We can't help it if you can't keep up with us, and put forth a fair amount of effort to compensate for your inability. Please afford us the same luxury.)

Your priority: Resolving the conflict that is causing the inefficiency.
Their priority: Maintaining peace and tranquility so that they can ponder more important things, without being distracted by conflicts.
(INFJs know how things are supposed to be. There is no conflict when things are the way they are supposed to be. When they're not, just make them right and move on. Badgering people isn't part of the solution. Why would we bother with it?)

Your ideal resolution: We come to an understanding that allows for clear communication.
Their ideal resolution: You develop the ability to understand where we are coming from so that you can then understand why we're not bothering with conflict resolution, and we can both agree to disagree and move on to something relevant.
(INFJs see where you are coming from and know how things should be. Why are we still talking about irrelevent issues with lesser thinkers? If you keep pestering us about it, you will push us to the point of angry parents.)
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Very nice post, I'd say this probably sums up about 80% of it, especially the examples.
 
non-violent communication

This recommendation is not really specifically about conflict, but rather about communication in general. I was just mentioning this book to someone for another reason and when I saw your thread felt it also a very appropriate recommendation for your needs. I'd be curious your thoughts if you take a look at the book. Some find the book simplistic, but I think that if one really considers what is being presented it can be profound.
 
Some people should take this advice.
 
1. State the conflict in a short, technical, straight to the point way. Use one or three sentences; condense it.
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You seem to be making an awful big assumption that not only do you know what the problem is, but that we agree on what the problem is, and furthermore, that the problem can be condensed into one or two sentences. You are making a bunch of assumptions that you have no logical reason to assume hold. So now not only have you caused a conflict, but you are standing there telling us that if we disagree with you about what the conflict is, that we are wrong and you are right. See the problem? Try ASKING what the problem is instead of TELLING us what the problem is.
 
JohnDoe said:
You seem to be making an awful big assumption that not only do you know what the problem is, but that we agree on what the problem is, and furthermore, that the problem can be condensed into one or two sentences. You are making a bunch of assumptions that you have no logical reason to assume hold. So now not only have you caused a conflict, but you are standing there telling us that if we disagree with you about what the conflict is, that we are wrong and you are right. See the problem? Try ASKING what the problem is instead of TELLING us what the problem is.
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This. God I hate when people can't listen. I might not be the most concise speaker, but I'm really doing my best to explain the situation. People like those mentioned above come off as arrogant and condescending. And when someone is arrogant and condescending, that's when logic goes out the window and emotion takes over.
 
Von Hase makes all INFJs sound like arrogant bastards because we are always right. It isn't true. We usually just think we are right.
 
you can't possibly be a good problem solvers with out the mats
 
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