Common Stressors and remedies for INFJs | INFJ Forum

Common Stressors and remedies for INFJs

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  1. Eeyore

    Eeyore Regular Poster

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    What are the common stressors in your life? How do you deal with them? Are there some things that are bugging you or wearing you down but you do not know how to best confront them? Were there times you managed to successfully overcome the stressors? If so, how? Please feel free to share your experiences! :smile:
     
  2. OP
    Eeyore

    Eeyore Regular Poster

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    I just came across a webage that talked about common stressors for INFJs:

    www.melindaelliottcoaching.com/files/Stressors_Remedies_INFJ.pdf


    Possible Stressors:
    -Having to monitor too many details
    -Working under ignorant, irrational or illogical people
    -Too much extraverting
    -Hearing too much cynicism from others
    -Trying to solve everything alone
    -A noisy, disorganized work environment
    -Being asked to violate standards and principles or to tolerate deceit
    -Lack of follow-through and poor performance by co-workers

    Typical Reactions to Stressors:
    -Intense anger, agitation, irritability, pessimism, fatigue
    -Adversarial attitude toward the outer world
    -Overdoing sensory activities- eating, exercising, watching TV, shopping
    -Physical stress symptoms such as muscle tension
    -Seeing external details as major obstacles that impede progress
    -Obsessive attention to perceived sources of stress; difficulty refocusing attention
    -Sleeplessness due to persistent reviewing of problems

    Resources and Remedies:
    -Withdraw; find quite time to reenergize; walk or exercise
    -Reexamine the facts – what was actually said, what really happened – and then reconsider the implications
    -Break big goals into smaller, realistic goals
    -Delegate
    -Ask for/accept help when needed
    -Focus on hobbies and recreation
    -Take time off
    -Engage in simple, non-pressured activities that involve your senses (seeing, hearing, etc) such as taking a walk and experiencing nature
    -Share your feelings with someone who will provide non-intrusive, forthright concern


    I can relate to some of the above.
     
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  3. Lurker

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    FYI, as a non INFJ I can relate to a lot of the possible stressors and a bunch of the remedies but none of the reactions excepting Se delights.
     
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  4. OP
    Eeyore

    Eeyore Regular Poster

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    Just yesterday, I got some comments from my boss. He said some co-workers find me hard to approach because I looked really stressed out on several occasions when they asked me to do something and it scares them.

    So I think about why I was stressed out.... I usually got like that when I was rushed to do something that I have not been trained to do, something that I have not done before in addition to having multiple immediate requests all firing at me at the same time. I know it's not good for me to have emotional outbursts which have happened a few times in the past. I feel terrible about that and have been trying to calm down, to be a nicer, better person... But at the same time, I also feel that management has a responsibility to train people to do things that they have never done before and employees should have a right to say they are uncomfortable to do something they have had no experience in, for fear of overlooking or making errors that could potentially cause harm or danger. More experienced people should step in, demonstrate, help and mentor others.

    I did say all these to my boss but he seemed not to get it. He said that most co-workers approach others instead of me. He said I was almost like the last resort of help when other co-workers could not find anyone else. That comment really bothered me. He said that he would like me to improve by taking the initiative to approach others, taking the initiative to ask if I can be of help to people, stepping in to do whatever and whenever anyone asks me to, being confident in doing anything asked, etc.

    I feel that it's out of my control sometimes. I just transferred to his section about two months ago, whereas my co-workers have been working in his section for 5 years. So doesn't it make sense that people would ask them more for help than me? I just find it unfair that he would compare like that. Also, I truly feel that I have not really received much training or support since I started in his section. I felt that I have already done a lot of good work all by myself with minimal support and even the boss agreed that my quality of work and innovation are good. What he was saying was that I seemed too quiet, was not "pro-active" enough in helping others and appeared stressed-out/upset at times when asked.

    If it's something I have experience in, I will gladly help. But if it's something that is foreign to me, I will feel uncomfortable being rushed to wing it without being given enough time to process it and to know the ins and outs of things in addition to being rushed to do multiple other tasks all at the same time. Also, it feels almost like an act/irony having to go ask people from time to time what I can be of assistance to them when I myself am also figuring out how to do new things or tackle new problems without anybody helping me. I do not see my co-workers having to do this--i.e. going out and asking people if they can be of assistance. They just responded when asked, not like looking for additional stuff to do when it is busy as it is. In addition, I am worried that I will be further behind in the assignments that my boss gave me as a result and I have already worked a lot of overtime just in the past couple of months to meet his deadlines and he said that he has already not been giving me too much to do....

    I don't know, I agree with some of the things he said but not all. Some of his comments really bugged me. I feel somewhat depressed by them and I am not sure exactly how to meet his expectations...
     
    #4 Eeyore, Jan 24, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2009
  5. Lurker

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    So concentrate on what outcomes you want rather than what has been said or what you think is fair/unfair. Decide what approach and results will work best for you and your co-workers and if that doesn't line up with what your boss has suggested go back with to him with your approach showing how that is the best option for everyone. Don't accept his approach just cause he's your boss but also try not to get too caught up on feeling shitty cause of what was said, easier said than done at times I know, but it's only going to lead to resentment and a poor resolution where either you get stubborn and ignore what's been suggested or you cave and act in a way that doesn't get the best out of you or feel comfortable. If training is lacking make that part of your resolution and show how that is in his best interests, he suggests he wants initiative, show it to him.

    FWIW, most of my staff have said that there are times when they're scared to approach me, from my perspective I'm just concentrating and deep in thought and I may be short if I answer them but I'm not angry or annoyed which is how it's perceived by them. It took me telling them quite a few times where I was coming from and assurances that I'm fine to approach, they're still a little apprehensive at times but creating the environment where they can tell me if they're shit scared of me is a good thing.

    I think it's a little pathetic that your co-workers couldn't come to you rather than going to your boss but you can't change what's happened so try to do something that stops it happening again.
     
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  6. OP
    Eeyore

    Eeyore Regular Poster

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    Thanks Lurker for your feedback! I appreciate it :smile:
     
  7. ZenCat

    ZenCat Waving Sage

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    Ooo I love lists :becky:

    I'm stressed by most of the Possible Stressors. The only items I don't find apply to me, I've bolded. I'm assuming the rest of them I've found ways to deal with so long ago that they don't stress me anymore, or I've found ways to employ all the possible strategies for dealing with them. It also helps that my interactions with others are greatly reduced from what they were 10 years ago.

     
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  8. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    I think one of our biggest problems, which also leads us to being stressed, is that we will lose sight of the big picture after awhile. I have to constantly remind myself to keep looking at the big picutre before one of the details overwhelms me and I get stressed
     
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  9. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    Good point, GreyWolf.

    Lately I've also started to remind myself to just not care so much over individual details and to remember that nothing is as permanent or serious as it seems.
     
  10. ohmermaid

    ohmermaid Community Member

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    oh god, theeeeese.

    Possible Stressors:
    -Hearing too much cynicism from others
    -Trying to solve everything alone


    Typical Reactions to Stressors:
    -Intense anger, fatigue
    -Physical stress symptoms such as
    muscle tension
    -Obsessive attention to perceived sources of stress; difficulty refocusing attention
    -Sleeplessness due to persistent reviewing of problems

    the last is ironic, because i also find that i curl up in bed for days and just try to sleep, sleep, sleep.
     
    #10 ohmermaid, Jan 25, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2009
  11. IndigoSensor

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    The biggest for me (although all can apply):

    Possible Stressors:
    -Working under ignorant, irrational or illogical people
    -A noisy, disorganized work environment
    -Being asked to violate standards and principles or to tolerate deceit
    -Lack of follow-through and poor performance by co-workers

    Typical Reactions to Stressors:
    -Intense agitation, irritability, fatigue
    -Adversarial attitude toward the outer world
    -Physical stress symptoms such as muscle tension
    -Sleeplessness due to persistent reviewing of problems

    Resources and Remedies:
    -Withdraw; find quite time to reenergize; walk or exercise
    -Reexamine the facts — what was actually said, what really happened — and then reconsider the implications
    -Take time off
    -Share your feelings with someone who will provide non-intrusive, forthright concern
     
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  12. Mux

    Mux Community Member

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    Excellent Thread !
     
  13. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    I must agree, brilliant thread ^^
     
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  14. mayflow

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    All stresses come from within. All LOVE comes from within. It's quite simple really. To place either the good or the bad on others is not of value or use. Each is self responsible. Doesn't this seem reasonable?
     
  15. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    no idea
    you have my vote on that.
     
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  16. Ender612

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    Possible Stressors (in addition to the others)
    - being embarrassed publicly
    - failure (public or private)
    - noise
    - too many people and too much going on
    - CONFLICT!
    - women with freckles (I may be joking on this one...but then again maybe not)

    Reactions
    -mute withdrawal
    -contemplative silence
    -listening to angry music to leech out the crazy
    -inability to sleep
    -inordinate desire to eat cheesecake
    -sometimes i get this feeling like h'm going to explode, like I'm a volcano or something, and if I can find the switch, I'm going to unleash myself and breathe fire...but I can't ever find where I hid the key...

    Solutions (things that help me)
    - music (listening)
    - playing the guitar
    -exercise (especially jiu-jitsu)
    -withdrawal to calm places
    -lying flat on my back
    -hugging the dog
    -seeing something beautiful in nature
    -trying to float above the mess and see the beauty of the big picture.
     
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  17. OP
    Eeyore

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    Lately, I have been under a lot of stress. I have trouble controlling my emotions. The other day, I got quite upset in a meeting over some things people said to me. Basically I was unhappy with certain people at the meeting for their disrespect, their know-it-all but have done nothing attitude, their nitpicking, their criticisms and last minute demand for changes, their total lack of appreciation and understanding of what teamwork means, their inconsideration, their self-serving interests, their laziness. So I ended up saying rather negative things back to them which was not really tactful/diplomatic. Their body language told me that they disliked me and at that time I could'nt care less.

    I did not feel good about it at all.... So I began to examine what the heck is wrong..... Although I feel I have very good reasons to be upset, I should not have displayed it, I should have been more careful with what I said... Well, I cannot take back what I said, whatever comes.... But I do want to be able to better handle my emotions so that I will not go self-destruct.... It's really not useful to ask other people of very different personalities what to do because what works for them just doesn't work for me.

    Below is something that I found helpful and would like to share:

    From http://www.understandingothers.com/types/infj_growth.html

    Potential Problem Areas
    With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. Without "bad", there would be no "good". Without "difficult", there would be no "easy". We value our strengths, but we often curse and ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas. INFJs are rare and intelligent people with many special gifts. This should be kept in mind as you read some of the more negative material about INFJ weaknesses. Remember that these weaknesses are natural. We offer this information to enact positive change, rather than as blatant criticism. We want you to grow into your full potential, and be the happiest and most successful person that you can become. Most of the weaker characteristics that are found in INFJs are due to their dominant function (Introverted iNtuition) overtaking their personality to the point that the other forces in their personality exist merely to serve the purposes of Introverted iNtuition. In such cases, an INFJ may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

    • May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others
    • May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it
    • May apply their judgment more often towards others, rather than towards themselves
    • With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for any problems in their lives
    • May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others
    • May be intolerant of weaknesses in others
    • May believe that they're always right
    • May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture
    • May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others
    • May have an intense and quick temper
    • May be tense, wound up, have high blood pressure and find it difficult to relax
    • May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people
    • May be wishy-washy and unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making
    • May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others
    • May see so many tangents everywhere that they can't stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture
    Explanation of Problems
    Most of the problems described above are a result of Introverted iNtuition overtaking the INFJ's personality to the point that all of the other functions become slaves to Introverted iNtuition. A healthy personality needs to have a good balance between its dominant and auxiliary functions. For an INFJ, the dominant Introverted iNtuition needs to be well-supported by the auxiliary Extraverted Feeling function. If Extraverted Feeling exists only to support the desires of Introverted iNtuition, then neither function is being used to its potential. Introverted iNtuition is a personality function that constantly gathers information, and sees everything from many different perspectives. As the dominant player in a personality, it has the effect of constantly bombarding the psyche with new information to consider. Introverted iNtuition is sort of like a framework for understanding that exists in the mind. As something is perceived, it is melded into the existing intuitive framework. If an entirely new piece of information is perceived by the Introverted iNtuitive, that person must redefine their entire framework of reference. So, Introverted iNtuitives are constantly taking in information about the world that needs to be processed in a relatively lengthy manner in order to be understood. That presents quite a challenge to the INFJ. It's not unusual for an INFJ to feel overwhelmed with all of the things that he or she needs to consider in order to fully understand an idea or situation. When Introverted iNtuition dominates the INFJ such that the other functions cannot serve their own purposes, we find the INFJ cutting off information that it needs to consider. If the psyche is presented with information that looks anything like something that Introverted iNtuition has processed in the past, it uses Extraverted Feeling to quickly reject that information. The psyche uses Extraverted Feeling to reject the ideas, rather than taking the information into its intuitive framework, and therefore potentially causing that framework to be reshaped and redefined. Using Extraverted Feeling in this manner may effectively serve the immediate needs of Introverted iNtuition, but it is not ideal. It causes the INFJ to not consider information that may be useful or criticial in developing a real understanding of an issue. It may cause the INFJ to come off as too strongly opinionated or snobbish to others. The better use of Extraverted Feeling for an INFJ would be to use it to assess the INFJ's rich insights and weigh them against the external world. When the INFJ personality uses Extraverted Feeling to cut off incoming information, rather than to judge internal intuitions, it is effectively cheating itself. It's like getting the answers to a test without having to really understand the questions. It's easier to get the answer right away, rather than to have to figure everything out. For the INFJ, who has a tremendous amount of information and "studying" that needs to be done, it's very tempting to take shortcuts. Most INFJs will do this to some extent. The real problems occur when an INFJ personality has become so imbalanced that its owner is extremely self-important and rarely consider anyone else's opinions or ideas.

    Solutions
    To grow as an individual, the INFJ needs to focus on applying their judgment to things only after they have gone through their intuition. In other words, the INFJ needs to consciously try not to use their judgment to dismiss ideas prematurely. Rather, they should use their judgment against their own ideas. One cannot effectively judge something that they don't understand. The INFJ needs to take things entirely into their intuition in order to understand them. It may be neccesary to give your intuition enough time to work through the new information so that it can rebuild its global framework of understanding. INFJs need to focus on using their judgment not to dismiss ideas, but rather to support their intuitive framework. An INFJ who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to the subject of their judgments, and their motivation for making judgments. Are they judging something external to themself, or are they judging something that they have sifted through their intuition? Is the motivation for judging something to be able to understand its usefulness in the world, or to dismiss it? Too often, an INFJ will judge something without properly understanding it, and with the intention of dismissing it. Seek first to understand, then to judge.

    Living Happily in our World
    Some INFJs have difficulty fitting into our society. Their problems are generally associated with not knowing (or caring) how they come across to others, and with having unreasonable expectations for others' behaviors. Both of these issues stem from using Extraverted Feeling primarily to dismiss external ideas, rather than to sort through their own intuitions. An INFJ who uses Extraverted Feeling in this diminished manner may become so strongly opinionated that they form rigid and unreasonable expectations for others. They may feel so strongly about things that they become very passionate and agitated when they feel that something has gone wrong. In these cases, it's not uncommon for the INFJ to express their displeasure with biting sarcasm. They become so emotionally upset that they are generally not aware of how their behavior comes across to others. Even if the consequences of their attitude and behavior is pointed out to them, they may be agitated to the point that they don't care. This kind of situation can be devastating to the INFJ on many levels, and should be avoided. There isn't much that can be done once the INFJ has reached the point where they are too upset to care about others, but the INFJ can prevent this problem from occuring by ensuring that they never get to that point. How can you, as an INFJ, ensure that you won't get that upset? It probably seems to you that these kinds of upsets are caused by external circumstances and situations. Well, that's not really true. It's true that things will happen over which you have no control. But you certainly have control over how you perceive these things, or more appropriately, how you *judge* these things. Specific suggestions:

    • Take care to listen to someone's idea entirely before you pass judgment on it. Ask questions if neccesary. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you understand the idea. Try not to begin judging anything about the idea until you have understood it entirely.
    • Before you begin talking to another person, pause for a moment and look at that person. Take in that person's attitude and feelings at that moment. Be aware of the person with whom you're speaking.
    • If you become upset, walk away immediately. DO NOT express anger. When you get angry, you lose. After you have calmed down, apologize for leaving and continue with what you were doing.
    • Try to identify the personality type of everyone that you encounter frequently in your life. Remember that people with the Sensing preference need to be communicated with in a direct, concise manner. Speak plainly and simply with Sensors, giving "yes" or "no" answers.
    • Try to be on good terms with all people, even those that you consider beneath you. Try to understand that everybody has something to offer.
    Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve Success

    1. Feed Your Strengths! Do things that allow your brilliant intuition and service-oriented manner to flourish.
    2. Face Your Weaknesses! See your weaknesses for what they are, and seek to overcome them. Especially, strive to use your judgment against your internal ideas and intuitions, rather than as a means of disregarding other people's ideas. (This stands out to me.)
    3. Talk Through Your Thoughts. You need to step through your intuitions in order to put them into perspective. Give yourself time to do this, and take advantage of discussing ideas with others. You'll find externalizing your internal intuitions to be a valuable exercise.
    4. Take in Everything. Don't dismiss ideas prematurely because you don't respect the person generating the ideas, or because you think you already know it all. After all, everybody has something to offer, and nobody knows everything. Steven Covey says it so well when he says: "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."
    5. When You Get Angry, You Lose. Your passion and intensity are strong assets, but can be very harmful if you allow yourself to fall into the "Anger Trap". Remember that Anger is destructive to your personal relationships. (I know....) Work through your anger before you impress it upon others, or you will likely find yourself alone. Disagreements and disappointments can only be handled effectively in a non-personal and dispassionate manner.
    6. Keep Your Eye on the Big Picture Watch out for your tendency to become obsessed with details. If you find yourself feeling very, very strongly about a small detail, take a big step back and make sure that you can still see the goal. You're not going to get there if you get mired in the details.
    7. Be Accountable for Yourself. Don't blame the problems in your life on other people. Look inwardly for solutions. No one has more control over your life than you have.
    8. Be Humble. Judge yourself at least as harshly as you judge others.
    9. Assume the Best. Don't distress yourself and others by dwelling on the dark side of everything. Just as there is a positive charge for every negative charge, there is a light side to every dark side. Remember that positive situations are created by positive attitudes. Expect the best, and the best will come forward.
    10. Relax! Do yourself a favor and learn how to effectively unwind. Get exercise and restful sleep. Take vacations. (If I get some time off.) Engage in relaxing activities. Take care of yourself and your loved ones by learning to let go of your passion and intensity for a respite.
     
    #17 Eeyore, Feb 7, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2009
  18. Final

    Final Regular Poster

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    This part always cracks me up:
    Anyways, the part about just letting things into my intuition and then judging it has really helped me out in school. For instance, everyone else hated discrete math and thought it was worthless, but I was having fun. Now, in Computer Organization I, I actually have to use that stuff.
     
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