Children: Birthing vs. Adopting

[Soulful]

If you have children or are thinking about having children or are decided that you want to have children, do you have a strong preference for having biological children or adopting? Why? What are these decisions founded on?

These aren't extensive questions, but I'd really like to understand this subject and discuss it, so feel free to elaborate beyond what's asked here.

 

[CindyLou]

No, I absolutely do not have a preference towards my own biological children. In my experience with this, men like the idea of biological children more than women do. I couldn't care less if my baby looks like me, or looks like him. I'm always really surprised at the number of men who have mentioned that they want to have kids but its only their own biological children and what they might look and act like, when that is something I never thought about. None of them were open to the idea of adoption. I don't know if that's money or what that is about. I tend to think its more to do with just wanting a mini version of themselves? I don't really know though.

That being said, if a guy really wanted me to carry his child, of course I would gladly carry his child if I loved him, was married to him, and that is what he wanted. I do not have a preference for adoption that is so strong that I would argue over it or refuse to carry his child for him or anything like that.

 

[JGirl]

i gave birth to my two children but i highly doubt i would have loved an adopted child less had i not been able to have kids of my own.
many people feel the need to be a biological 'part' of the child they're raising. i say it makes no difference other than an ego thing. the need to pass on oneself into immortality.
i think birthing children is highly overrated and i am suspicious of those who have these romanticized beautiful stories of their deliveries.
mine were nasty gruelling affairs and i hated the entire world during the process. i believe the phrase, 'get this thing out of me!' came out at some point during my daughter's birth.
anyway in all seriousness, it's an individual thing to be sure but for myself i would feel the same love and connection with aný child i chose to raise and care for.

 

[CindyLou]

i think birthing children is highly overrated and i am suspicious of those who have these romanticized beautiful stories of their deliveries.
mine were nasty gruelling affairs and i hated the entire world during the process. i believe the phrase, 'get this thing out of me!' came out at some point during my daughter's birth.
.

Me too! It was traumatic. I wasn't the same after experiencing that kind of pain. It changed me. I lost something.

One of my boyfriends told me (after I decided to share with him that I was a little reluctant after the birth of my first daughter) that I needed to 'get over it' that I was built for having children and reminded me of all the women that had done it before me, and all who would after me...blah blah.

I told him right away that he didn't respect the sacrifice enough for me to EVER carry his child after a statement like that. Some other poor woman is going to be stuck doing that for him. It is certainly not going to be me!

 

[Soulful]

@CindyLou what a jerk.

i gave birth to my two children but i highly doubt i would have loved an adopted child less had i not been able to have kids of my own.
many people feel the need to be a biological 'part' of the child they're raising. i say it makes no difference other than an ego thing. the need to pass on oneself into immortality.
i think birthing children is highly overrated and i am suspicious of those who have these romanticized beautiful stories of their deliveries.
mine were nasty gruelling affairs and i hated the entire world during the process. i believe the phrase, 'get this thing out of me!' came out at some point during my daughter's birth.
anyway in all seriousness, it's an individual thing to be sure but for myself i would feel the same love and connection with aný child i chose to raise and care for.

I think this (the bolded words) are an interesting thought, and I wonder if it reflects a certain mind-set the average person holds. After all, any child you raise will carry a part of you onward within themselves. The way we shape the children around us expresses itself through the way they shape the children around them and their contribution to the world. No one ever falls into obscurity, in a greater sense of the thought. Does the need to not fall into biological obscurity reflect preponderance placed on the material and that which can tangibly be ascertained versus something like the lasting effects made on a person's personality and life? Is it an indication of the fact that perhaps the average person trusts most what is "real" and measurable? Interesting thought...

 

[Stu]

I miss my Dad, and his brothers. I do see aspects of them in my kids (and my sisters and cousins kids), as well as my Mom and my brothers and sisters. It gives me pleasure. It is unknown to what degree characteristics get passed from generation to generation, it may be that ways of dealing with reality, how our personalities grow and change, our psychological type,...may be largely genetic.

If we had been unable to have our own kids we would have adopted (brain washing is quite satisfying). That said, I do not think I would have pursued a serious relationship with a woman who was averse to attempting child birth when I was dating.

 

[JonMac]

My daughter is adopted. When I think about her or talk about her, I don't specify that she's adopted. She is my daughter, in every sense of the word, and I can't imagine loving her any more than I do, regardless of biology.

 

[kita]

I have a son I gave birth to, and I guess I have a slight preference for biological children. My thinking is, that I have all these potential unborn children, who will only be able to experience life if I chose to have them. Children who are available for adoption will hopefully be adopted by another loving family, or at least find a way to live a life they can enjoy. I want to give the same to at least 2 of my own potential children, who seem real to me even though they don't actually exist.

I'd like to adopt too, but from what I understand it is prohibitively expensive for many people.

 

[bamf]

Adoption all the way.

 

[linger]

That said, I do not think I would have pursued a serious relationship with a woman who was averse to attempting child birth when I was dating.

What if she was unable to have and/or carry children? Would that have changed your mind or would it still have been a hesitation? (I'm not asking in an accusatory tone, btw; just purely curious how that affects men who want/prefer to have their own biological children)

 

[Jill Hives]

I have one son and a daughter on the way, due next Friday actually. These two were not planned, but were sort of happy accidents, albeit inconvenient timing on the both of them...

I was adopted myself and I think it is a wonderful option. Because of how things ended up working out for me, I doubt I will ever adopt, but only because I don't think I can handle having more than 2 kids. I want to be done with all of that now. 2 is enough for me.

I always wondered what the experience of pregnancy and child birth would be like when I was younger and I'm grateful that I got to experience that. It's something I would probably forever be curious about if it never happened to me.

 

[linger]

Totally not helpful for the OP:

I have one son and a daughter on the way, due next Friday actually.

Oh my! That's so almost happening right now! Yay for almost being done! )

 

[Billy]

I would prefer to have my own children, being that I am an egomaniac, plus that whole instinctive biological urge. Its funny to see a woman say she doesn't care if its her child or not... sounds like they never had to deal with giving birth to a kid that wasn't theirs LOL. I have nothing against adoption however, If I couldnt find a woman I loved enough to have a child I would probably adopt a kid, not even a baby, if youre going to adopt might as well adopt locally someone who could really use it. Like a preteen or even a teenager. Someone who has had it tough and can use a break and a calm place and someone to help out. Meh I might have my own kids and do that anyway.

 

[CindyLou]

I would prefer to have my own children, being that I am an egomaniac, plus that whole instinctive biological urge. Its funny to see a woman say she doesn't care if its her child or not... sounds like they never had to deal with giving birth to a kid that wasn't theirs LOL. I have nothing against adoption however, If I couldnt find a woman I loved enough to have a child I would probably adopt a kid, not even a baby, if youre going to adopt might as well adopt locally someone who could really use it. Like a preteen or even a teenager. Someone who has had it tough and can use a break and a calm place and someone to help out. Meh I might have my own kids and do that anyway.

I don't get what's funny? Explain it to me. Lol. Why would it be funny for me to say that I didn't care if the kiddo was biologically mine? Outside of being a surrogate, or through some IVF situation where I had to purchase both eggs and sperm, how could a woman give birth to a kiddo that wasn't hers?

 

[Sriracha]

I would only consider adopting if it was a blood relative. I would adopt or take guardianship of my nieces and nephews (on both my side and husband's side of the family.) I prefer biological.

I remember there was a time when I thought I would want to adopt or foster children. This was before college internship with DFCS and a psychiatric facility. No thank you. Yes I saw how children can be easily bounced around from foster placement to foster placement, but the public is never given the details why. Some details are enough to turn your stomach, like a teenage girl hopping in bed with the husband while he's taking a nap and he awakes to her unbuttoning her blouse saying that he is going to have sex with her or she'll tell authorities that he tried to rape her. Don't even get me started with the kids who hoard their excrement. :S

Children who do not have diagnosable illnesses are very easily adopted, and most often by their foster families.

 

[Billy]

I don't get what's funny? Explain it to me. Lol. Why would it be funny for me to say that I didn't care if the kiddo was biologically mine? Outside of being a surrogate, or through some IVF situation where I had to purchase both eggs and sperm, how could a woman give birth to a kiddo that wasn't hers?

I dunno I guess its just a male fear. Women don't have to worry about giving birth to a baby that isn't theirs. Because they always birth a baby that's theirs. (barring surrogate etc) Whereas men do worry about it. As much as you love and trust a woman, you just don't have any way of telling until after the baby is born really if the kid is yours. Which was the whole point of marriage originally, to ensure paternal lineage. So to see a woman be all nonchalant about it, is kind of funny in a way because they don't exist in a world where a man can impregnate them and another woman's baby comes out somehow. I read an article somewhere that said something like as many as 3 in 10 men are raising a child that they think is theirs but is not. Something like that.

 

[Soulful]

I would only consider adopting if it was a blood relative. I would adopt or take guardianship of my nieces and nephews (on both my side and husband's side of the family.) Otherwise, I prefer biological.

I remember there was a time when I thought I would want to adopt or foster children. This was before college internship with DFCS and a psychiatric facility. No thank you. Yes I saw how children can be easily bounced around from foster placement to foster placement, but the public is never given the details why. Some details are enough to turn your stomach, like a teenage girl hopping in bed with the husband while he's taking a nap and he awakes to her unbuttoning her blouse saying that he is going to have sex with her or she'll tell authorities that he tried to rape her. Don't even get me started with the kids who hoard their excrement. :S

Children who do not have diagnosable illnesses are very easily adopted, and most often by their foster families.

This is a good point which I hadn't thought about.
I suppose it depends.

 

[CindyLou]

I dunno I guess its just a male fear. Women don't have to worry about giving birth to a baby that isn't theirs. Because they always birth a baby that's theirs. (barring surrogate etc) Whereas men do worry about it. As much as you love and trust a woman, you just don't have any way of telling until after the baby is born really if the kid is yours. Which was the whole point of marriage originally, to ensure paternal lineage. So to see a woman be all nonchalant about it, is kind of funny in a way because they don't exist in a world where a man can impregnate them and another woman's baby comes out somehow. I read an article somewhere that said something like as many as 3 in 10 men are raising a child that they think is theirs but is not. Something like that.

awwww. I never thought about it like that. Damn, the gulf between men and women is even further than I thought.

If you're trying for a baby as a couple and have a week 5 or 6 ultrasound, you can get a pretty good idea of the conception day. But, if you pass that window, yeah there is no way. So, you should insist on that early ultrasound!

Those stats are NUTS.

 

[Soulful]

Yeah, that is pretty terrible.

 

[Billy]

awwww. I never thought about it like that. Damn, the gulf between men and women is even further than I thought.

If you're trying for a baby as a couple and have a week 5 or 6 ultrasound, you can get a pretty good idea of the conception day. But, if you pass that window, yeah there is no way. So, you should insist on that early ultrasound!

Those stats are NUTS.

Even so, that's assuming shes banging only 1 guy. And as we know, women cheat just as much as men do.