Chasing after an INFJ girl

Saj

Saj

Newbie
MBTI
ENTP
Hi everyone,

So this girl I am currently trying to pursue told me she's very much into MBTI and that she's an INFJ. She encouraged me to take a couple of tests recently and we found out I am an ENTP. I found reading about personality types very interesting and I stayed up to do a lot of reading on the topic. I was delighted to find out that INFJs and ENTPs tend to be compatible in the complementary way. After reflecting a bit, I identified most of the complements for INFJs and ENTPs to exist between us. Oh, and that's how I found this forum =)

More specifically, I am at a lost as to how to pursue her. We have no trouble communicating online, but she seems physically distant (and I've read that that's not a good sign, well, it is not a good sign in general with any girl). I have to find ways to get her to come out and I am really afraid that I am being too forceful on her. It is just that I don't know what else I can do. Sometimes it just feels like she is keeping her heart close to herself and dismissing opportunities for a relationship to opt for security.

As an ENTP, I like to logic a lot of this out. Before I found out about MBTI, I was thinking I can give her a list of reasons for why she can allow herself to accept my advances and potential benefits. Let's just say that after my research, I am glad I didn't go through with that plan *wipes sweat off forehead*.

I want to tell her I like her and I don't think I am morbidly afraid of rejection (been there, done that), but I want to ramp up our closeness first such that I have reasonable chance of succeeding. This girl is not like any other that I've met before, we communicate so meaningfully even when we're talking about nothing and that is very special. Currently as it stands, I feel as if I don't do something, things will just stagnate. I want to take action, but I don't know what to do :m169:

Insights, advice? Thank you(s).
 
I'm glad you've found a girl that you can communicate with so easily. That's rare to find nowadays.

By the sound of it though, you need to watch how strong you come on. If she is physically distant from you, don't push her. It may be a sign that she's not comfortable with you yet, and if she senses you're coming onto her still, she's going to amscray really fast! I'm an INFJ girl too, and I know it takes ages for me to give my heart to someone and feel confident enough to break out of a place of emotional security. Be patient.

IMO, I say keep talking to her whenever you get the chance. Keep the connection going and the conversation flowing! Give her a lot of friendly support and reassurance if she has a problem, and show that you genuinely care. If you feel that she starts to feel less distant around you, she may be starting to warm up, and if you want to tell her your feelings, do so then. But don't pressure her into anything. If she likes you too, she'll come around. If not, it's not the end of the world even if it may feel like it, and the best you can hope for is that you guys can remain good friends.

I hope everything goes well for you, hun! :smile:
 
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Oh, man, you need a couple of bags full with patience if you want to win a female INFJ heart for a long-term relationship. Really. And once you win it, don't take it for granted and prove that you deserve it every day. Do not push her or force her to say or do stuff. This is a shortcut to make her lose all interest in you, if she has any at all. Give her signs that you are interested in her and let her take the initiative and lead it from there. I had several relationships that started so well and ended up so bad quite fast because those guys just did not seem to have what I want.
 
Damn, I wish I had a INFJ guy to chase after.

But I'm not much of a runner, also I wouldn't be hasty going into a relationship without knowing the person of interest closely for a few years.
I'm surprised you have her as a friend. How long have you known this INFJ for?
 
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I agree... don't rush the physical.

Continue developing the emotional part of the relationship.
 
Thanks for reassuring me that my approach may have been a little too fast-paced. It just feels uneasy when things seem like they are not going anywhere.

Hotkebab, to answer your question, I've known her for a few years actually. I always had some dormant feelings for her but I felt that we were too different and it'd never work out. I was also in a relationship until the beginning of this year.

In response to what you guys said, I am somewhat confused.

I cannot seem to distinguish between showing signs of interest and coming on strong in the context of INFJs. It seems like everything I do can potentially scare her away but I am so compelled to do something. And from what she says and from reading this forum, INFJs tend to enjoy romance more than other types, I just don't see how I can communicate romance without "making a move". <--This is not a challenge statement, more like an utterly confused statement.
Surely, I cannot just sit around and be friends with her until she comes around one day and confesses how much she loves me?

I already try to be more empathetic with her (it is something I have difficulty doing but I am trying to improve on) and reassure her control over her problems when she feels helpless. I am not 100% used to this when pursuing a girl because that's usually the fastest way to make her think that I'd make a good friend and nothing more. Are you guys saying this approach will be advisable for an INFJ?

Also, what are some signs that I should be looking out for? And what signs can I drop to her without it seeming too aggressive?

I really like this girl, help...

and thanks for your thoughtful replies so far, I am very glad I found this forum and made this thread.
 
Hotkebab said:
Damn, I wish I had a INFJ guy to chase after.
Click to expand...

If the rest of them are anything like me, you really don't. I am jaded and think I'm taking a turn for the manipulative. I blame the girls I've dated.

If you really think she likes you, start small. Hold her hand, kiss her on the cheek, etc. A lot of girls seem "physically distant" because they're terrified of doing anything at all.

It used to be that even (well, especially) if I was around a girl that I liked, I would curl up and become physically defensive. I'm getting over it, but it tends to be a reflex and it wasn't really something I noticed for the longest time.

I have to get ready for work now, but I hope this helps.
 
Have you ever thought that maybe you are not fitting too well for each other? It is possible. How well do you know her? How good you are in reading her body language and the signs she gives back to you? INFJs communicate a lot with body language and say more with their actions and movements rather than with pure verbal words. To sustain a healthy strong relationship with a female INFJ you need to make this specific bond with her that happens simply natural. When you don't need words to understand each other.
Ofc you can risk it all and go to confess your romantic feelings for her by sending her a love letter, singing a song under her window, leave flowers in front of her door with a small card with your name on it ... No matter if she responds to your feelings or not, she will like such treatment and appreciate it. There was this guy who had a huge crush on me for a couple of years and even though nothing happened at the end, it started very well. One day a flowers delivery guy popped up with a huge bouquet of mixed red, white, pink, yellow roses and a small card in it wishing me a nice day at work and his name on it. I really appreciated it. Even though he was a nice guy, the chemistry didn't work.
In the worst case she will increase the distance because she doesn't want you to get more and more in love and suffer even more afterwards.
You never know with INFJs ... The men in my life who successfully captured my heart and made me devote myself to them, were the ones who didn't push me, didn't rush, didn't force me, didn't bother me and just let things develop naturally. They impressed me first and mostly with their personality traits, character, way of thinking, behavior and then with physical appearance. In fact every time it started like a friendship that turned into something else later.
Ofc you can not just sit there waiting for her to come and say she loves you, who has patience for that? But do you want to take the risk to be rejected if you rush to confess your absolute crush on her? Or do you want to take the risk to find out that your feelings are mutual? I don't know.
But even if it doesn't work out, then it just didn't work out. You were not meant to be, a better one is coming your way :)
 
Hmmm. I don't know if saying all INFJs require patience is applicable. My boyfriend is an INFJ and he just came out and told me that he liked me. Granted, we have this teasing sort of relationship where we are very blunt about what we are thinking. He trips, I laugh, I trip, he laughs sort of thing. I suppose it depends on how long you've known her whether or not you want to come out and tell her you have feelings for her.

How long have you known her?
Are you close friends or just acquaintances?
Do you want to take the time to be friends first or is she the type that will "friend-list" guys?
Do you know she's worth it or are you just considering her?
 
Saj said:
In response to what you guys said, I am somewhat confused.

I cannot seem to distinguish between showing signs of interest and coming on strong in the context of INFJs. It seems like everything I do can potentially scare her away but I am so compelled to do something. And from what she says and from reading this forum, INFJs tend to enjoy romance more than other types, I just don't see how I can communicate romance without "making a move". <--This is not a challenge statement, more like an utterly confused statement.
Surely, I cannot just sit around and be friends with her until she comes around one day and confesses how much she loves me?

I already try to be more empathetic with her (it is something I have difficulty doing but I am trying to improve on) and reassure her control over her problems when she feels helpless. I am not 100% used to this when pursuing a girl because that's usually the fastest way to make her think that I'd make a good friend and nothing more. Are you guys saying this approach will be advisable for an INFJ?

Also, what are some signs that I should be looking out for? And what signs can I drop to her without it seeming too aggressive?

I really like this girl, help...

and thanks for your thoughtful replies so far, I am very glad I found this forum and made this thread.
Click to expand...

You should be patient and cunning in a way.

Let's say that you do this, call her to come over for a dinner at your place. Make a romantic setting, not to obvious, but romantic. Or suggest to spend a few hours in a park, bring the bottle of wine and two glasses. You behave a bit like the two of you are already together but don't go to physical parts of it. Play a bit hard to get. Enjoy the romance with her. Here you have many threads that cover the part of places that you can find an INFJ an the reasons why, but I think that you might already know some of it because you are friends. Use that, get her someplace where she is comfortable and show some bits and pieces of your other side, the one that only your girlfriends saw so far.

I'll explain why I'm suggest this approach. If you are already friends for sometime, you should make a paradigm shift in a way that's not to obvious but subtle and romantic. this way she gets to see you in an entirely different setting and being an INFJ she'll probably spend some time thinking how nice and romantic it was when you did this or that, and once she goes this route then either she will make a move or you'll get a clear sign that you can make a move.
 
ENTP chasing after an INFJ where oh where have I seen this before?

Best of luck to the OP.
 
LadyINFJ: Yep, I think about our compatibility all the time. Every time I find a reason for this isn't going to work out, I also find a counter reason to suggest we're adjacent pieces of a puzzle. And once I have a long enough list of these pros and cons, I just step back and conclude that whatever it is that is between us, it is very interesting. Yes, I am most likely blinded by my infatuation with her at this point and I am probably missing something very obvious. I am not even going to try to rationalize that =)

As much as I value our interactions and friendship, I really don't think I can continue being just friends with her. If I know I had the chance and I didn't take it because of the fear of losing her as a friend, I'd just be overwhelmed with regret. I am sure she wouldn't want me to feel that way too.

That Girl, to answer your q's:
How long have you known her?
a few years, lost count. There was a period that we didn't talk much because I was in another short-lived relationship.

Are you close friends or just acquaintances?
Not sure. Somewhere in between. She tends to bevery un-revealing about herself but she does open up more to me than others (I think).

Do you want to take the time to be friends first or is she the type that will "friend-list" guys?
I believe we've been friends long enough. Many guys tried to go for her, she tends to cut them out instead of staying friends with them. Then again, some of those guys are just creepy:/

Do you know she's worth it or are you just considering her?
She's worth it by most of my measures.

---

Anywho, so you guys think (possibly sappy) romantic gestures that aren't too physical is a good subtle way to make it more clear that I am interested in more?

I somewhat suck with reading body language (coincidentally, I am a horrible poker player ;), are there certain things that I can watch for?

Thanks.
 
Saj said:
As much as I value our interactions and friendship, I really don't think I can continue being just friends with her. If I know I had the chance and I didn't take it because of the fear of losing her as a friend, I'd just be overwhelmed with regret. I am sure she wouldn't want me to feel that way too.
Click to expand...

Here lies the answer of the question "What to do?". Can you see it? ;)
 
Hmmmm maybe I didn't communicate myself well enough and/or I am completely blind to my own dilemma, but in my mind, the question was never "whether or not", it is more of a "how".

Sorry for the confusion (this apology goes out to myself as well) =p
 
Just say it or write it down. Give her a flower and a silly bow. Do anything! Do you know her favorite number? Get her that many stupid little things from the quarter machine at the grocer and line them up for her. Do something stupid, it will scream "I Fancy You!"
 
You could straight up say it. Stop thinking about it, and trying to "plan" a way for you to "catch" her. I don't know about other INFJs but the idea of being seen as something to be "caught" is a big turn off.

If I were you, I'd just be honest with her and say what you're feeling. It shows you respect her enough not to try and convince her to "go out" with you.
 
Well, if the question is "how" - I highly recommend a strategy with keywords: romance, respect, gentle, care, nature, flowers, relaxation, music ... or combination of some of these :)
And be ready to get a "no". Actually, do not ask her anything and do not put her in position to give you an answer that maybe she is not yet ready to give.

Edit: It is very likely that she already knows. Or at least suspects something like this. We kinda ... feel those things :) Unless you are pretty good in hiding it.
 
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Yea, she probably already knows, I don't tend to try to hide it. But she's still hanging around with me, that's probably not a bad sign.

I guess I will bide my time and wait for a good time to tell her. I will make sure not to pressure her to give a definite yes/no.

Gonna be a huge change of pace/leap of faith for me, but it is worth it.

Thanks everyone. More advice will be appreciated too. So far everything that was said has been very helpful for my cluelessness.
 
Don't forget to let us now how it went :P And please, don't wait forever to tell her - somebody else might be faster and take her away from you ;) Not to mention how much I hated waiting for the guy to find enough strength to tell me what he feels, even after I "knew" it from before :P We go out together, laugh, have fun but like friends ... in the same time his whole body and soul "scream" to me, so I wait for his mouth to open and say it. And oh my God what a relief when they finally found enough courage :D Sweet memories. INFJs know more than you imagine :)
 
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