Only two weeks of honeymoon time in this dating relationship? Time to move on. If I were you I'd break up and let him sort out his depression. A couple of months isn't very long at all and you don't owe him anything.
Boyfriend is Depressed. Calling for Advice From my Fellow INFJs.
- Thread starter MBTI Addict
- Start date
I'm quick to leave relationships, I guess for me I've gotten used to being on my own and I've kind of created my own little noch that I exist in. It's unfair that you should have to suffer because someone else is. In this case it kind of depends on the relationship but I think you should take care of yourself first because it's kind of useless if you both become handicapped by depression. If your bond is strong your relationship should make it through regardless of if you are seeing each other all the time. I would just tell him that you need some time away. Ultimately it's up to you though you know your self and your capabilities best. To recap I wouldn't worry too much about hurting him or not being there for him, just think that you need to take care of yourself. You are just as worthy of feeling good and being happy as anyone else.
Good luck, and hope you feel better.
Good luck, and hope you feel better.
Flip a coin, that usually tells you which option you really want.
You can't help/take care of others unless you are taking care of yourself as well. It is a fact of life. You can't give unless you have reserves of stuff to give.
Maybe take a step back and work on recharging yourself. I really hope that you don't take it to heart when the other posters give you a hard time for having second thoughts. You are entitled to your own feelings and decisions. My guess is that they've either been the one sucking the life out of their significant other or they have no personal boundaries.
If you feel that this relationship is draining you more than anything, take a step back. While it may seem that sticking it out is the noble option, you're a human being with vulnerabilities and needs of your own--and denying that will eventually make you resentful and that could have an even worse effect on your relationship.
My advice is to take a little break, work on caring for yourself and then make a decision about your relationship when you are in a good place mentally and emotionally.
Maybe take a step back and work on recharging yourself. I really hope that you don't take it to heart when the other posters give you a hard time for having second thoughts. You are entitled to your own feelings and decisions. My guess is that they've either been the one sucking the life out of their significant other or they have no personal boundaries.
If you feel that this relationship is draining you more than anything, take a step back. While it may seem that sticking it out is the noble option, you're a human being with vulnerabilities and needs of your own--and denying that will eventually make you resentful and that could have an even worse effect on your relationship.
My advice is to take a little break, work on caring for yourself and then make a decision about your relationship when you are in a good place mentally and emotionally.
Last edited:
They say that we ask for advice already knowing what we want to hear.
Thanks, everyone. It's very helpful to hear such a wide range of opinions. I definitely need to take better care of myself in relationships.
After sleeping on it, I got a text from him this morning saying that he had forgotten something at my place and wanted to come pick it up. When I saw him he said that he was going to start medication (he didn't tell me that he had seen a psychiatrist in the last week) and that he knows that he has been mean and withholding and that he didn't want me to be collateral damage in the process of him getting better. He said that he would just stay away until then. I agreed, thought more about it, and a few hours later I realized that I didn't want him to "stay away." His acknowledgement of my own feelings definitely made this decision to stay with him much easier. I told him that he could withdraw if he thought it would make him feel better, but that I would be here to support him and that I would welcome him with open arms (as his girlfriend) when he comes back.
Just a little bit of background:
- We were friends for about a year before we got into a relationship. I was dating other guys, but then one day I decided to stop and pay more attention to him, because I never felt the same level of connection with other guys than I did with him.
- I admit to being more selfish and demanding than the average "good girlfriend." I need a lot of reassurance and that's because I can be incredibly insecure.
- I have an insecure attachment style because of unpredictable and emotionally abusive parents.
- I really do want to get stronger at handling these things in relationships. I really really do.
This entire process has made me realize that I must truly love him. I wouldn't do this for someone who I didn't care immensely about.
Thanks, everyone. It's very helpful to hear such a wide range of opinions. I definitely need to take better care of myself in relationships.
After sleeping on it, I got a text from him this morning saying that he had forgotten something at my place and wanted to come pick it up. When I saw him he said that he was going to start medication (he didn't tell me that he had seen a psychiatrist in the last week) and that he knows that he has been mean and withholding and that he didn't want me to be collateral damage in the process of him getting better. He said that he would just stay away until then. I agreed, thought more about it, and a few hours later I realized that I didn't want him to "stay away." His acknowledgement of my own feelings definitely made this decision to stay with him much easier. I told him that he could withdraw if he thought it would make him feel better, but that I would be here to support him and that I would welcome him with open arms (as his girlfriend) when he comes back.
Just a little bit of background:
- We were friends for about a year before we got into a relationship. I was dating other guys, but then one day I decided to stop and pay more attention to him, because I never felt the same level of connection with other guys than I did with him.
- I admit to being more selfish and demanding than the average "good girlfriend." I need a lot of reassurance and that's because I can be incredibly insecure.
- I have an insecure attachment style because of unpredictable and emotionally abusive parents.
- I really do want to get stronger at handling these things in relationships. I really really do.
This entire process has made me realize that I must truly love him. I wouldn't do this for someone who I didn't care immensely about.
Relationships that started as friendships usually become strong and stable relationships. Happens rarely, but when it happens, they usually last for a long, long time.
This will be ongoing, and cyclical. If you love him, you accept it. I agree with AhSver and jzono's advice, but we can't tell you what you can handle dealing with on a day to day basis. Be careful "realizing" you love him, after he validates your feelings. That is a trap we fall into time and time again. It can equal manipulation. Remember: this is a mastermind you're dealing with. He wants your love, and support, who wouldn't?! I worry that he is treating you in a "mean" fashion this early on, especially since there was an established friendship. You need someone who will offer you patience, and kindness in return, and if he's taking liberties with that this early on, how will he feel it's okay to treat you years down the road?? After all you ARE very understanding, and forgiving... just sayin'.
An update.
Well, shit.
So two weeks went by and he finally emailed me, asking if i wanted to see a movie with him. I agreed and we went and hung out as per usual, but it was so strange. It was like I was seeing him as a regular person. Someone with faults that I wasn't seeing before. The rose-colored glasses are essentially gone and I can only attribute this to such little time for us to get really attached (speaking in the realm of brain chemicals here). I'm having a harder time picturing a future with him, especially because he hasn't demonstrated many good qualities since he's been depressed.
I'm filled with so much doubt about our relationship and I don't think that it's because I'm feeling worried that he's going to leave me, but more that I'd be making a mistake by staying with him...
He's still going to dictate when we spend time together, but the more time we spend apart the less I feel attached and the less I think of him as being this positive force in my life.
Shit.
Well, shit.
So two weeks went by and he finally emailed me, asking if i wanted to see a movie with him. I agreed and we went and hung out as per usual, but it was so strange. It was like I was seeing him as a regular person. Someone with faults that I wasn't seeing before. The rose-colored glasses are essentially gone and I can only attribute this to such little time for us to get really attached (speaking in the realm of brain chemicals here). I'm having a harder time picturing a future with him, especially because he hasn't demonstrated many good qualities since he's been depressed.
I'm filled with so much doubt about our relationship and I don't think that it's because I'm feeling worried that he's going to leave me, but more that I'd be making a mistake by staying with him...
He's still going to dictate when we spend time together, but the more time we spend apart the less I feel attached and the less I think of him as being this positive force in my life.
Shit.
Out of curiosity, have anyone here been the depressed person in a relationship before? What did your SO do in these situations? How did you feel about them before and after the depression?
- Dec 29, 2009
- 5,536
- 22,536
- 3,498
- MBTI
- INFJ
[MENTION=4393]MBTI Addict[/MENTION], sorry to hear about your problems. I think the best person to decide all of this is yourself and I'm sure things will work out ok whatever you choose to do. Have you told your partner how you feel? Depression can vary and perhaps if this is just down to an injury things could improve soon. I suffer with back pain, but I try to get on with things. The best advice I was ever given by a doctor was "to fix your mind on the positive actions you can take". If you're right for each other things will work out, and if not hopefully you will remain good friends, we all need those. Take care.