Boyfriend is Depressed. Calling for Advice From my Fellow INFJs.

[MBTI Addict]

Hi everyone,
I have a very very lovely INTJ friend who recently became my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Everything was fantastic in the beginning (as per usual for new relationships), but then he got a sports injury. He's had low-lying depression for a couple of years now, but exercising five days a week was making a tremendous difference. But then he got hurt and hasn't been exercising for the past 6 weeks (yes, it was only hearts and kittens for two weeks into our "relationship") and his mood has dropped considerably.

We've talked about it a few times now because his negative mood really gets to me and each time he asks me to just be patient with him and that it's not about me.

It's hard though, because as an INFJ, I absorb EVERYTHING. I also feel really guilty when I'm not 100% supportive, which is how I feel when I get angry at his negativity. So I feel like I'm flailing between the two extremes of spending time with him and feeling crappy because of what I'm absorbing or I feel incredibly guilty for not spending time with him.

He's getting help. He's been seeing a counselor for the past month and he's also starting physical therapy next week. We're both praying that he begins to feel better soon, but in all honesty, I feel so drained from being in this relationship already. I feel like I never got to enjoy the good stuff before it got really bad and I'm starting to forget the person who I fell for in the first place.

I feel like I have two options:
1. Leave the relationship and still be his friend and be on call when he needs me.
2. Stay in the relationship, but don't spend time with him until he feels better.

Is there a third option that might be better? I'm all ears right now.

My friends say that something might need to happen because they can tell that it's making me sad too. His depression is somehow becoming my own.

Curse this INFJ empathy!!!

 

[Sriracha]

When in doubt, pull out.

 

[Constant_Overstimulation]

i dont care what anybody says...if you have to work hard at making a relationship work, it's not worth it.


yes, yes, i know, there will be ups and downs. and they will have to be worked out, and/or compromises will have to be made.

BUT, what i'm saying is, if the effort is overwhelming just to reach a state of happiness, then you're up shits creek without a paddle, as they say.


i concur with [MENTION=4423]Sriracha[/MENTION]

 

[AhSver]

@Sriracha

really? so every happy relationship never got sour sometimes, the kinds of a relationship that lasted for decades never had doubts? .
I think that it's normal to have doubts and it's important to work on them, together. the lack of communication is always a major problem. i think sometimes all these trouble are worth the person you chose. how i don't know, i think it just has to be felt. i say if both of you really want to be happy you will come close and help each other. but you can't wait forever, but how long it might take, that's a hard question. I just know that counseling and combating a deeply set depression caused by a thing such as a disability, whether physical or mental, is extremely difficult. . but it's also something that can't be magically fixed by you.
And I don't think you can leave him but still be in a relationship until he gets better. can u imagine how painful it can be for him, he would hear it as: "i am too much to handle now, so you don't love me enough to be there for me."? Of course, i don't know two of you and i can only offer some little things i can make out due to my limitations.

i just think there's really only two choices to be decided about: to leave or not to leave. There's really no half way. You can give him some more time, talk to his counselor, go to a counselor yourself, have a few more serious conversations with him, try to encourage him to do something, tell him HOW you feel until you feel that you really understand each other's words... If it fails over and over and things do not get any better, I think then it you would be a good time to make a decision.

i hope i didn't say anything offensive to anybody because that wasn't the intention.

 

[Constant_Overstimulation]

[MENTION=1796]AhSver[/MENTION]

we're not talking about other relationships that have lasted for decades. we're talking about this particular one.

which, according to the original post, has lasted "a couple of months". this isnt a long lasting friendship/bond/relationship that has gone thru thick and thin.


the honeymoon stage is over...if hes giving her shit already, it's *most likely* going to just get worse.


in no way am i trying to make [MENTION=4393]MBTI Addict[/MENTION] feel bad about what i'm about to say, but i've been in relationships before. happy ones. blissful ones. they didnt last forever. you'd be hardpressed to find one that does. the point is, "a couple of months" into those relationships, i wasnt posting for peoples advice on whether or not i should get out or not. do you wanna know why? because i was too busy being happy.

so, [MENTION=4393]MBTI Addict[/MENTION], bail and then thank me and [MENTION=4423]Sriracha[/MENTION] later.

 

[wmbab1]

Option #1 is a bad one. If you leave, leave completely - and don't look back.

I would recommend sticking around, giving him space, and think about how you're reacting. This is an opportunity for you to grow as a person. Depression is common and annoying. Don't expect quick improvement, nor that everything will be fine once he starts to feel better. You'll likely get so tired of it all that the relationship is already doomed. You both could get lucky and it'll strengthen your relationship and give you both a very solid foundation to build upon.

If you stick around you'll be better equipped to handle the next time someone very close to you gets depressed. It's valuable life-experience, and chances are you might need it. Next time it might not be depression, but the coping skills you get from sticking around and getting intimate with the devil that depression is, can be used again.

Some people run and hide when facing bad days. Some crumble and fall apart. Some have the strength to pull through. Don't you want to find out whether you can be strong? Don't you want to try learning how to be strong?

It is terrible to be close to someone who are struggling. It takes experience to learn to accept it when there's things you shouldn't, or can't help with.

Either way; while you are struggling with figuring out what to do; educate yourself about the condition. Knowledge makes dealing with it easier. Wikipedia has a good article about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

I predict that soon, maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a month or two; he'll start to come to terms with it enough to have some good days again. On those days you'll see the wonderful person you fell for, and it'll be easier to deal with the bad days.

 

[invisible]

stick around and see what happens! one way or the other this situation isn't forever. there will either start to be an improvement, either that or you can leave. usually when i get in this intolerable sort of position reminding myself that it isn't forever usually gives some perspective.

but if you want to stick around maybe he should continue to get his depression treated apart from the sports injury. because if you can't stand it in concentrated amounts you probably won't be able to tolerate it as a low level agitation over a long period of time either. like having a little tiny pebble in your shoe.

 

[juju817]

If he just started seeing a counselor than means he is taking the necessary steps to become better(took him long enough....). Although, he has to become pensive and look inward for the answers. He has to be happy before he can make you happy. Communicate the disintegration of the relationship and remind him that its a two-way streak. If you already invested 3 years of your time. Might as well leave it knowing you tried everything. Give it another month or two and use your discretion. If i was in your shoes. I would try to spark a thought provoking conversation to maybe rekindle some kind of connection.

A clear conscious for an INFJ is vital for sanity. Do it right.



Edit; i don't know how to deal with people with depression. my advice might be a complete sham. sorry.

 

[David54]

well, what do you feel you should do? thant will be your answer. .

 

[mochi]

I feel like I have two options:
1. Leave the relationship and still be his friend and be on call when he needs me.
2. Stay in the relationship, but don't spend time with him until he feels better.

Curse this INFJ empathy!!!

I kind of agree with [MENTION=1796]AhSver[/MENTION].

I think you should stay in the relationship, be there for him sometimes, but not 100% like you have been doing. I can see that it has been taking a toll on you by giving so much. Such things usually happen when a person cares for the other.

Option 1 leaves the same thing to happen again (even as a friend, it can be draining). Option 2 may be too extreme, because being in a relationship requires some contact.

But since it is a sports injury, I can't help but think it's an unfortunate accident, and it would be cruel to leave... It may do some good to keep in contact with him and support him every once and a while, but try to take a break from everything as well and give yourself some space too.

Only you can decide, though.

 

[Barnabas]

Walking out on someone when they need you the most, I can think few lows that one could sink to.

 

[melatonin]

Personally, I wouldn't be able to stand leaving my significant other because of depression (or anything really). I think it would be best for both of you to stay and wait a while, especially since it's so early. Of course, I don't the know the extent of your commitment to him, specifically prior to the relationship, so this may be irrelevant. I am fairly certain though that you care about him, and this level of empathy and the fact that you have stayed by his side shows a great deal of strength on your part.

Everything was fantastic in the beginning

If you feel like it is worth it, then you're going to have to work to make this relationship work. Who knows? It could be him this time, but what if a time comes when you need his support? There's a delicate balance of give and take in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. It's about finding what works best for you both, and that includes discovering your limits. Ask yourself: is it worth it? You see in weddings before the I do's, the classic 'Do you take this man to have and to hold from this day forth, for better or for worse, 'till death do you part?'

It's never been difficult for me to understand my own emotional boundaries when it comes to other people, mainly because I'm usually willing to give more than they as for even in extreme cases. That excess capacity for giving may or may not be an 'INFJ thing', but I know it's there for me. I do however know when it is time to just be done with it. I've been in a relationship where we were bad; going in unhealthy cycles where he would fall into a mild state of depression and I would follow suit. This went on for years and it was draining physically and emotionally for the both of us until I ended it. In retrospect, the breakup was messy and impulsive, and if I had my way I wouldn't have acted as such (he always deserved better). For the next few months however, we discovered that we truly did need each other, and now we're in a sort of limbo. We care for each other, yes, but we don't care about how the world chooses to label us. But I digress.

The point is, I left and it didn't help either of us. Granted, my situation is entirely different and we are different people with different everything. I just think that you should stay to help him through it. Talk to him, that's very important. Tell him how your feeling, and if he cares about you then maybe he can understand how you've been feeling. I'm not saying you should guilt trip him, but it is important for both individuals to know how the other is feeling. Love is a two way street. Stay positive and hope for the best, especially since there is hope. Thing may not be good now, but they certainly could be.

Feel free not to listen. I trust that whatever you choose to do, it will be what is best for you. i wish you the best of luck!

 

[Gaze]

It's never been difficult for me to understand my own emotional boundaries when it comes to other people, mainly because I'm usually willing to give more than they as for even in extreme cases. That excess capacity for giving may or may not be an 'INFJ thing', but I know it's there for me. . . . . Love is a two way street. Stay positive and hope for the best, especially since there is hope. Thing may not be good now, but they certainly could be.

Feel free not to listen. I trust that whatever you choose to do, it will be what is best for you. i wish you the best of luck!

If you don't think the relationship is where it needs to be, then remain friends and be there the best you can.

 

[Faye]

If he is seeing a counselor, and if you're so upset by this that you feel you cannot handle it, then I can only guess that there is much more going on with either him, you, or both of you that you didn't mention or don't know about.

I don't know how you expect any kind of good advice if you don't give more details. Why exactly are you so unhappy with this relationship? Is it something that can or cannot ever be fixed? And if it is something that can be fixed, are you doing all you can to help fix it?

 

[Sensiko]

I went through exactly what your bf is going through and it sucks, but he will get eventually get better. Do you know if his counselor has recommended medication for his depression? That may help him get through this and I would push him to ask his counselor about it. Personally speaking, being with someone who has depression is draining and if you struggle with depression or have tendencies, it's sometimes impossible find the strength to be supportive. Depression isn't something that goes away and if you stay together it will always resurface. Knowing that he has depression and knowing how difficult it is for you to emotionally support him is something to seriously consider. If you plan on having a family, imagine adding the emotional needs of a child or two to your responsibilities.

 

[justeccentricnotinsane]

Hi everyone,
I have a very very lovely INTJ friend who recently became my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Everything was fantastic in the beginning (as per usual for new relationships), but then he got a sports injury. He's had low-lying depression for a couple of years now, but exercising five days a week was making a tremendous difference. But then he got hurt and hasn't been exercising for the past 6 weeks (yes, it was only hearts and kittens for two weeks into our "relationship") and his mood has dropped considerably.

We've talked about it a few times now because his negative mood really gets to me and each time he asks me to just be patient with him and that it's not about me.

It's hard though, because as an INFJ, I absorb EVERYTHING. I also feel really guilty when I'm not 100% supportive, which is how I feel when I get angry at his negativity. So I feel like I'm flailing between the two extremes of spending time with him and feeling crappy because of what I'm absorbing or I feel incredibly guilty for not spending time with him.

He's getting help. He's been seeing a counselor for the past month and he's also starting physical therapy next week. We're both praying that he begins to feel better soon, but in all honesty, I feel so drained from being in this relationship already. I feel like I never got to enjoy the good stuff before it got really bad and I'm starting to forget the person who I fell for in the first place.

I feel like I have two options:
1. Leave the relationship and still be his friend and be on call when he needs me.
2. Stay in the relationship, but don't spend time with him until he feels better.

Is there a third option that might be better? I'm all ears right now.

My friends say that something might need to happen because they can tell that it's making me sad too. His depression is somehow becoming my own.

Curse this INFJ empathy!!!

It's up to you whether you want to leave him or not, but my boyfriend also gets depressed and doesn't do anything about it or want to talk about it. It makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable because I need everyone around me to be happy if I can feel that way too, but just try to let him get on with it as much as possible. Occasionally I give advice tailored for him. Ts don't like talking about their emotions but, to be honest, I don't like talking about my emotions. Don't talk about emotions, talk about thoughts, or just think of what is causing the depression and come with practical ways out of it.

Sometimes, telling them what's gong through their mind grabs their attention more than asking. I tend not to tell people what they're thinking in ordinary conversation because it's rude, but with my bf and depression I've realised it's the best way. Instead of waiting for him to come out with it, I just say: "So this is what you're unhappy about and here's why you shouldn't be..." I make it logical, which is what I do for myself anyway when I'm upset. Practical advice and logic is the way I'd go.

 

[Sriracha]

You know, INFJs will beat a dead horse FOREVER. It's that bleeding heart thing. I know, b/c I do the same thing. That bleeding heart thing can also create your misery and honest to God as much as I do not like to hear it: WE CREATE OUR OWN MISERY. As much as you have to be compassionate for others ... YOUR NEEDS ARE EQUAL IF NOT MORE IMPORTANT. They SHOULD be.

Just remember that you always have a choice. If anyone says they just couldn't live with themselves for leaving someone in this situation, then they have boundary problems as well. You are NOT responsible for the way others interpret what you say ... or how you act. They are responsible for their own actions. You just have to take a leap of faith and press that first domino.

Life will go on without you.

... but you know, don't listen to me. I am being treated with an anti-depressant and seeing a therapist ... why? Because the above emotional INFJ issues I mentioned is the exact same BULLSHIT I'm working on. I'm finding myself utterly annoyed with my INFJ counterparts right now. Perhaps I need more coffee.

 

[technics]

1. Leave the relationship and still be his friend and be on call when he needs me.
2. Stay in the relationship, but don't spend time with him until he feels better.

If I were in his position I'd pick No. 2. I know I'll be able to deal with this alone or with professional help. But dragging my girlfriend into this would just ruin the relationship. No. 1 is not attractive because things will evolve into that muddle of not knowing whether you're only friends or still in a relationship.

 

[InvisibleJim]

Sounds like you expect relationships to only involve kittens, roses and love hearts...

Is this a realistic expectation or merely a juvenile delusion?

 

[Billy]

Sounds like he has depression problems that extend past his injury, my advice would be to leave him and just be his friend, he has more work to do on his own before he tries to be in a relationship.