I didn't have any great male role models in my life and so I just meander about doing my own thing, not really realizing I was acting differently really. I sort of suspected I guess... at my best I have a sort of I'm above all the systems around me sort of vibe to myself. Being physically clumsy with various unknown learning disabilities... sort of set me up to be inherently noncompetitive.
I don't want to make myself feel better than anyone else... or on the flip-side make someone else feel worse. I just want to be and go about my business doing everything the best that I can.
When I observe most men act, it all looks like a show... a complete fabrication. For example stupid stuff like making a mistake, and then claiming that that is the first mistake you've ever made. Having someone make a claim about something good they have done, and then automatically respond to make yourself look better. All the little white lies about performance and oneupmanship... I see past all that to the frail core that most men are carrying...
I'd rather be natural and completely myself while at the same time being comfortable with that, and being comfortable with all the little insecurities and humility that comes with being so small in a vast universe that you could never possibly know. If I'm unsure about myself because I'm unfamiliar... well that's just going to happen... and I want to be okay with that and move on.
The issue is without that pseudo-confident manly shell being put out there, I can see how that makes others uncomfortable. So then it all feedbacks on me and I start to lose even more confidence. The only solution is to be really relaxed or have lots of experience in these various situations... if I can attain that without crumbling in the situations.
I have a constant yearning to just chat what's on my mind with others... the strong silent type always seemed like an enigma to me. How could someone be so self assured of their world without talking to other people. I'm constantly asking questions to everyone I meet... and that just seems inherently unmanly. Curiosity is the domain of children I guess...