Being a Male INFJ... | INFJ Forum

Being a Male INFJ...

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby

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Jun 22, 2011
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A thread similar to this may have been done before but honestly I'm too lazy to look. So for other male INFJ's what do you believe are the pros/cons of being an INFJ? For me it has a lot of negatives and some positives. I feel like it puts me at a disadvantage mostly in the professional world because everyone around me is more aggressive about getting ahead while I stay in the background. It also sucks being so emotional as a guy. But on the other hand I do enjoy the fact that I see things in ways other guys don't, and the fact that I'm more in tune with myself than other people seem to be. Thoughts?
 
Negative side: traditional American culture does not support an emotionally sensitive and heightened male
Positive side: it's easier to see, delve into, fix, and expand from flaws in myself and others, human or otherwise. The good things that come from this, while not always pleasant, are worth the strange glances and occasional ridicule.

I consider it a fair trade; it is what you make of it, after all. When is it ever "easy" to take the road less traveled by, or support the radical new idea that the majority opposes? I, for one, would never give up what I've learned from it and am glad for the opportunity.
 
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The annoying feature of INFJ is that I see the cup half empty ... half the time. But the advantage is that you can turn the cup around and see it half full when others do not. Other males are definitely more aggressive in obtaining what they want, but it took me some time to realize that i had a lot in common with them and could connect with them from my perspective.

Here's my perspective as a male and infj: I do not see things the way others see them. They can see a lot of surface things. They can move ahead. But they do not see the bottomline. What happens when things go wrong? What happens when your predictions are realized to be true by others? What happens when all the women that they run to are insufficient to help them through the issues that males go through? That's when they come to us. We are perpetually seeking other males as the standard of civilization. Well, maybe it's time to put aside the Majority Rules crap. We are made for crisis. We are made for the best and worst case. We are made to see the bottomline and see a situation through to its logical end.

A friendship either works in the near/distant future or it doesn't at all.

There is a tendency to believe that my perspective is feminine. But the truth is that many females, while being able to converse or interact with me, also see that I have a distinctly male perspective. I am more akin to my male friends than is apparent. Being a loner - this is replete throughout an individualistic society, especially for males. We just happen to be at one end of the spectrum. What we don't have, we also make up for in other ways. When I see other males, I often see so deeply that I stop to look at them as if not seeing their outward portrayal. It's not that I'm consciously saying, "You're such a superficial idiot." It's just that I have to stop to connect with them at a deeper wavelength. For those males who are able to put aside the superficial crap and move on a deeper level, there is compatible interaction. This is why I have a tendency to converse well with older men (but not always), because they actually know what I'm talking about.

So if the only problem is that society has a problem with sensitive males who prefer to think things through and bring peace to a situation instead of acting constantly on impulse, I have a very strong incentive to find camaraderie with men who actually do appreciate the qualitities I actually have. The stress seems to come from giving weight to those who don't appreciate us. From personal experience, i can tell when a male is sensitive as well. So it's possible for certain men to display a minimal level of stoic bravado while still showing signs that they are sensitive on the inside.

It's actually more intriguing to find deep sensitivity in unexpected males and then to cultivate this into friendship. The challenge becomes the delight.
 
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Number one downside for me is when it comes to finding a job that I am satisfied with. Most of my life I have had jobs that have been at least somewhat labor intensive. The work itself has never been much of a problem for me in that I enjoy physical activity and also depending on what it is it allows one to get lost in their own abstract thoughts. The problem for me would come in trying to find people I could relate to on the job.

The upside for me is the ability to sometimes have insight that a lot of other people find it hard to come by. The "tools" of this personality type make having epiphanic moments easier to come by. For me it's quite often that I get that "goose-bump on the forearms" feeling, whether from making a realization in deep thought, or some connection with someone while in a conversation that was able to scratch below the mundane surface. I think as a man this positive side has earned me a bit of quiet respect from others... And maybe surprise that it is coming from a man.
 
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Well its definitely difficult having to explain or deal with emotions in a way that most men don't. Oddly I think women usually are surprised and appreciate that. Also I prefer to think of it as giving preference to values or ideals , more than just emotions. It cuts both ways but I think its true that infj men struggle to find their niche more than women. Societies "expectations" cause us problems. We just have to learn ways to deal with them. One bonus for me has been finding this website.
 
James said:
Well its definitely difficult having to explain or deal with emotions in a way that most men don't. Oddly I think women usually are surprised and appreciate that. Also I prefer to think of it as giving preference to values or ideals , more than just emotions. It cuts both ways but I think its true that infj men struggle to find their niche more than women. Societies "expectations" cause us problems. We just have to learn ways to deal with them. One bonus for me has been finding this website.
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I couldn't agree more:

This was the prototype I grew up with:

300px-Harry_Callahan.JPG

Suppressed emotions, tough, honest, willing to fight, nearly expressionless. The strong, silent type. This is not a role model for an INFJ by any stretch of the imagination.

What about emotionally expressive men?

This was the prototype:

250px-Harris_as_Dr._Smith.jpg

Dr. Smith from Lost in Space

This sort of person was portrayed as a shifty trickster. The message was clear: if you were emotionally expressive, you couldn't be trusted.

Are there any truly emotionally expressive men who are handled in the media as honest, decent, morally strong individuals? Because that's who we really are.
 
Growing up as a child I didn't really realize that I was overly emotional until maybe the 5th or 6th grade...until that point I just knew that there was something different about me...and of course I equated that with there being something wrong. I developed a good case of self-loathing even as young as the first grade...because I never felt as if I fit in anywhere.
It wasn't until I got a bit older and started to see what the expectations of the world were regarding males and crying for example that that started to become an influence...of course making me feel even more like an outsider. But I never did try to change...I always accepted that that was just the way that I was...I was never encouraged by my parents to change either...in fact my Mom would just tell me I had big heart or something like that....Dad just didn't comment...
I don't feel like it is a problem now...or for many years actually.....if someone thinks it's strange to see a man cry and feel they need to comment they get a big Fa-Q....I really don't care what anyone thinks about it...it just seems strange to me that there are still people who haven't figured it out that it is okay for guys to express emotion.
 
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Bill Cosby said:
I feel like it puts me at a disadvantage mostly in the professional world because everyone around me is more aggressive
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The pleasing and loving attitude of the male INFJ is definitely a weakness, in terms of competition. I noticed male INFJs in real life, and also here in this forum, boasting masculinity and strength. But one can still see right through it. You always boast what you lack.
 
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swing said:
The pleasing and loving attitude of the male INFJ is definitely a weakness, in terms of competition. I noticed male INFJs in real life, and also here in this forum, boasting masculinity and strength. But one can still see right through it. You always boast what you lack.
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Pretty good coping mechanism for jealousy you have there.
 
swing said:
I don't see why that is a coping mechanism. It is a general rule that applies to all people, including you and me.
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It is a coping mechanism because whenever people talk about themselves in a positive way, you just assume that they are really the opposite of whatever they are. At least that is what this:
The pleasing and loving attitude of the male INFJ is definitely a weakness, in terms of competition. I noticed male INFJs in real life, and also here in this forum, boasting masculinity and strength. But one can still see right through it. You always boast what you lack.
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...means to me.
 
Craig Weiler said:
I couldn't agree more:

This was the prototype I grew up with:

View attachment 11788

Suppressed emotions, tough, honest, willing to fight, nearly expressionless. The strong, silent type. This is not a role model for an INFJ by any stretch of the imagination.

What about emotionally expressive men?

This was the prototype:

View attachment 11789

Dr. Smith from Lost in Space

This sort of person was portrayed as a shifty trickster. The message was clear: if you were emotionally expressive, you couldn't be trusted.

Are there any truly emotionally expressive men who are handled in the media as honest, decent, morally strong individuals? Because that's who we really are.
Click to expand...

I think culture makes a difference, I think maybe America was tougher than Britain but in different ways? A lot of times I think its as much about values as emotions (not negating the value or validity of emotions). Perhaps its as much about the difference between sensors and intuitives? Infj types are well known for their high levels of intuitive behaviour.
 
uberrogo said:
It is a coping mechanism because whenever people talk about themselves in a positive way, you just assume that they are really the opposite of whatever they are.
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Yeah, but that was exactly what I meant with "you boast what you lack", that people emphasize that which is underrepresented in them. And I think you didn't consider the possibility of someone (I think it was you who typed me as ISFP) speaking of that weakness, knowing that they share that weakness. Also when people are arrogant they also speak of them positively even though they do have that property. Whether I'm any of the two, that I can not confirm nor deny.
 
swing said:
Yeah, but that was exactly what I meant with "you boast what you lack", that people emphasize that which is underrepresented in them. And I think you didn't consider the possibility of someone (I think it was you who typed me as ISFP) speaking of that weakness, knowing that they share that weakness. Also when people are arrogant they also speak of them positively even though they do have that property. Whether I'm any of the two, that I can not confirm nor deny.
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Im not sure what you mean by this. You may think I am just trolling at this point, but Im genuinely curious.
 
uberrogo said:
Im not sure what you mean by this. You may think I am just trolling at this point, but Im genuinely curious.
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You have a certain deficiency, say, you're weak/always late/not smart etc. And then you see how other people boast with strength/punctuality/intelligence etc. And you know they're not strong/punctual/intelligent because you see clearly see that they're faking it and behind it you see the same attributes that you see in yourself.
 
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Being a Male INFJ...

That's your first mistake...

:mpoke:
 
Bill Cosby said:
A thread similar to this may have been done before but honestly I'm too lazy to look. So for other male INFJ's what do you believe are the pros/cons of being an INFJ? For me it has a lot of negatives and some positives. I feel like it puts me at a disadvantage mostly in the professional world because everyone around me is more aggressive about getting ahead while I stay in the background. It also sucks being so emotional as a guy. But on the other hand I do enjoy the fact that I see things in ways other guys don't, and the fact that I'm more in tune with myself than other people seem to be. Thoughts?
Click to expand...

It sucks hard... up to the point where you develop Ti.
 
I dont know why everybody focuses on the gender thing. Being an INFJ is hard because of the emotional problems and thats about it. Im a male infj but im not a pussy like some people here try to portray INFJs. I think it all depends on the person and their life experiences. Maybe some Male INFJs are really weak but its dumb to say that all male INFJs are effeminate or pussies.
 
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