Becoming bitter/misanthropist-ish

[DeadlyPacifist]

I wonder if INFJs who don't formulate a good system to manage their feelings eventually hate the world. I think a lot of people in general may develop a hatred towards humanity through bad experiences, but I have a feeling that INFJs suffer in extremes from this. I'm not speaking for all INFJs, but I'll just explain my experiences with this~ Please do discuss, share your viewpoints, post lots of monkey emoticons, and all the other snazzy stuff you guys do .

I have really high expectations for myself, as well as other people, and if they don't match up to what I'd like from them, I start feeling pissed off and I want to become a worse person because I feel like they don't deserve the kindness I would otherwise show them. I also can't help but notice that most of the time, my friends, and people in general asides from my family, are only interested in associating with me when they need help with something, or it involves their interests. I start to wonder if anyone has ever been genuinely interested in me, or am I just a useful resource. When I start "calculating" how other people are such selflish bitches, I start feeling more pissed off, and I just want to avoid interacting with anyone else for the rest of my life...but the goals I have will involve working with other people. -_-. I'm honestly not selfless enough to be able to help anyone who asks me for something without asking for anything in return, but I don't think I'm asking for much in return .

I dunno, if I try to explain to people, they just tell me I'm the one being selfish, but it stems from me becoming bitter towards things as described above -_-. I had a phase when I was extremely apathetic, and that was awesome. But then I started to deconstruct my apathy when I thought I was interested in someone Bad decision, I have to say.

I also have an issue with charities feeling like really rich people SHOULD donate their money to them. I do understand that charities are mostly for a good cause...for the "less unfortunate," or people with diseases, etc, but honestly? They worked hard to get their money, and if they want to hoard it, they have every right to. I'm not really a victim of this, but it still pisses me off. Although there are occasions when people have felt like I'm obligated to share whatever I have with them. =_=

I also think that maybe, because we're so nice, people feel comfortable being jerks to us since they know we'll probably forgive.

 

[Indie.J]

Yeah, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.

My friendships have very much been based on an "I'll help you" kind of foundation but when it comes to the time when I need somebody to drop what their doing and only think about me for a change it seems awfully hard for them to do so which shits me off because I've always been concerned for their needs and have dropped everything for them. I've lived my life being nice to everybody, being concerned for them, helping people and pulling them out of ditches (when they've allowed and asked). I admit it gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I help somebody but honestly, you'd think somebody who is your close friend and who you've helped out of their tough situations could at least put in a bit more effort to empathise. Anyway, I have had the urge to just stop giving a damn and become the nasty, spiteful person I know I'm so capable of being but then I think, where is my gain in that? Am I going to destroy my image and devote the rest of my time getting caught up over people too? I'll do things for nothing in return in terms of I wont put people into debt but some respect and acknowledgement doesn't go astray. There are so many people who expect people to think about them but don't realise they never think about the other person in return.

 

[Nela]

I see where you're coming from. I struggle with this as well sometimes. We all behave differently when we're hurt by people, disappointed, or when we simply don't feel good about ourselves. All these things can attribute to the fact that we start shutting ourselves off from the world/people. I sometimes feel that way if I'm struggling with things and don't see a way out. Something else takes over, and you just don't care anymore. I can also have times in which I can be very egoistical, self-absorbed, not even caring about someone else, usually when I'm down, disillusioned or when I lost faith in life. However, this is usually a temporary thing I have to go through. Having high expectations of others and yourself doesn't help much either. That way we get easily disappointed, eventually leading to a point we don't even care about anything (or anyone) anymore.

And yes, I've also known the people who come to you only when they need something, only to leave again when they got what they asked for, leaving me.. empty. I can't explain it any better. Just recently I ended a 'friendship' because it was only years later that I discovered it was only a one way process. The feeling of disappointment that results from things like this make me feel exactly like you described. And, as Indie J. said, I often ask myself why I still do this (helping people who won't give anything in return). But what's more important is this: feeling bitter and resentful brings you nowhere. It's not who you want to be, so you fight it. It helps me to actively concentrate on what's good in my life. On the few caring, loving people I know that are not this way. Because they are there, everywhere, but you need to find/see them.

 

[Orion]

I agree/painfully relate with the two previous posts.

On the subject of people using you and giving nothing in return- it can be a tricky thing, especially because certain socially intelligent/manipulative people can hide it in by hinting that it'll go somewhere. People who know they like you, can use you for their own emotional benefit. All the while, you think you're getting through to them, you think you're getting closer but it's just a little game for their own selfish gratification.

Situations like these can be so devastating to your faith in people. And yes, you'll become selfish yourself. And honestly, who can blame you?

 

[Jayce]

hate the world" moments because I found that at the end of the day most people suck. The challenge is finding the good ones.

I'm done caring about people who don't give a shit either way. I always end up caring more about people than they care about themselves and I definitely never get the same amount of care in return. So why bother?

Yes, I might be just the slightest bit bitter...

People always took advantage of my kindness, especially when I was younger. But I've learned to avoid manipulative people like that.

 

[AhSver]

It's a fine sign of maturity indeed! Join the club!
I am having a drink and cheer for everyone who experiences being too bitter and misanthrope-like. :spit:

 

[Faye]

I think I only hate the world on certain occasions. The problem, for INFJ, lies in the high standards to which INFJs hold themselves and others but that others do not hold themselves to.

When an INFJ clings to those standards, usually out of fear or in search of some kind of psychic security, the result is misanthropy. I did it earlier today!

DeadlyPacifist, do you consider yourself rich? I don't get what your issue is with charities wanting super rich people to donate to them. The globalized economy is a winner-take-all system, not a system based on equity in proportion to hard work (or the lack thereof).

 

[DeadlyPacifist]

@Dragon: What I mean is, people who are rich have probably done the necessary work to become rich. Some just win the lottery, but I'm talking about in general....people don't just become rich all of a sudden out of nowhere, sitting at home >_>. I don't really consider myself "rich" at all, but I guess the prob I have is with people who just ask for money. They should earn it themselves.

 

[Faye]

@Dragon: What I mean is, people who are rich have probably done the necessary work to become rich. Some just win the lottery, but I'm talking about in general....people don't just become rich all of a sudden out of nowhere, sitting at home >_>. I don't really consider myself "rich" at all, but I guess the prob I have is with people who just ask for money. They should earn it themselves.

Well, there is a difference between beggars and people who genuinely need help. Begging is a profession that people take up, and I never give money to them.

Most of the people who need help aren't beggars at all (ex. women in battered woman's shelters). Charities don't exist to help beggars. They exist to help disenfranchised groups.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I don't hate the world. I hate people who can't seem to get their heads out of their asses. It's all about a good ol' healthy blame system

 

[Faye]

I don't hate the world. I hate people who can't seem to get their heads out of their asses. It's all about a good ol' healthy blame system

What? Guilt not shame? Or hating dumb people?

 

[DeadlyPacifist]

Yeah, I'm okay with helping people, but I mean when people act like you SHOULD be giving them money, and feel like you OWE them or something...I start feeling pissed off.

 

[Faye]

Yeah, I'm okay with helping people, but I mean when people act like you SHOULD be giving them money, and feel like you OWE them or something...I start feeling pissed off.

Well it is not above beggars to guilt trip people.

 

[NeverAmI]

I have dealt with this since I was a child. I have gone through spats of angst, depression, sympathy, pity, and so on due to this topic.

Anymore, I generally assume that the person I am helping will never give me the same level of help. This helps me to deny the people I truly know don't deserve it. The ones I think may deserve it will get my help. If it turns out in the long run they aren't willing to help in MY time of need, I simply walk away. I figure that at some point in their life they will look back to those times of my need and realize what an F'ed up move it was not to help me. However, it would be HIGHLY unlikely that I would ever associate with that person again unless they made a hell of a pitch, which isn't common.

Don't get me wrong, if someone was in dire need and couldn't help themselves, I would help without hesitation no matter who the person was. But I think this conversation is more geared towards less drastic matters.

The past few years in my life I have been trying to focus on doing what I feel is right and helping those that need it, and I feel deserve it. I don't do this with the expectation of getting something in return. However, I do believe that my good deeds in life will pave the way for a good future. No matter how bleak it may seem, your good deeds do NOT go unnoticed.

Just keep strong and keep doing your thing. It is tough being a good person. Kudos to each and every one of you.

 

[DeadlyPacifist]

Well it is not above beggars to guilt trip people.

Eh, I suppose they think their approach will work on people...but [Idk, is it just me ] for me, the chance of me willing to donate would increase by a LOT if they were more humble when asking for donations. After all, THEY'RE the one asking for help >_>.

Man, Idk. It's a vicious cycle. I'm super nice, have really high expectations that probably the people I'm dealing with aren't aware of, get pissed off when they aren't met, say some really mean things on impulse due to frustration, scare off people and make them think I just have serious anger issues, and tada. <_<

 

[Shai Gar]

 

[]L%;Zwnj]

I'm struggling with giving too much, helping too much... I really do get satisfaction out of helping people, but as has already been said in this thread, it's like people don't give the same amount back. Despite this, I can't seem to put my needs before anyone else's and I get caught in this depressing cycle of being frustrated that my needs aren't being fulfilled and even more frustrated that I am expecting someone to fill those needs when they have their own lives to deal with. I'm not sure what exactly I can do, because I have this warped idea that I should do everything I can to help other people but I shouldn't expect or encourage anyone doing things for me. Anyone have a logical reason why I should get over that and start helping myself, because I can't seem to make myself believe that I should put myself before others?

 

[lostintranslation]

I can relate to a lot of the posts in this thread. Based on experience and having dealt with impassive people time and time again I've learned that there's no point in getting worked up if people don't meet your expectations. It's nice knowing that the person you are helping will be there to return the favor later on in time of need, but if for some reason that person lets you down (something you learn to expect) there's not much you can do about it. A lot of people out there will take advantage of you any way they can. It's best to just stay out of their way and help people that truly deserve help. Getting angry is one way to deal with it, but it does more harm than good and it isn't a productive way of handling the situation

 

[transcendentalethos]

I have really high expectations for myself, as well as other people, and if they don't match up to what I'd like from them, I start feeling pissed off and I want to become a worse person because I feel like they don't deserve the kindness I would otherwise show them. I also can't help but notice that most of the time, my friends, and people in general asides from my family, are only interested in associating with me when they need help with something, or it involves their interests. I start to wonder if anyone has ever been genuinely interested in me, or am I just a useful resource. When I start "calculating" how other people are such selflish bitches, I start feeling more pissed off, and I just want to avoid interacting with anyone else for the rest of my life...but the goals I have will involve working with other people. -_-. I'm honestly not selfless enough to be able to help anyone who asks me for something without asking for anything in return, but I don't think I'm asking for much in return .
.

Ain't that the fucking truth.

God, I hate people.

 

[acd]

I too, have very high expectations for others. I think most people have high expectations.

However, personally, I am fully aware that my expectations are unfair and unreasonable and totally selfish.. so not only am I furious at the person who has disappointed me, but I'm also furious with myself for being furious in the first place for having such ridiculous expectations.

Aye, and then the ensuing guilt from all of that tends to be excruciating. Especially considering that I deeply care for certain individuals and make them feel guilty for not pleasing me knowing full well that I'm being a selfish asshole the whole time.

I don't hate other people. I hate the ugliness in myself.