Becoming bitter/misanthropist-ish

[DeadlyPacifist]

^ That doesn't make you ugly lah If you were truly a horrible person, you'd feel no guilt from any of it.

 

[acd]

I suppose you are right, DP.

 

[Top cat]

several of you have mentioned helping people and then getting nothing in return

i'm a bit wary of this kind of action --i think if you do something for someone, you expect nothing in return... although i understand if you are in serious need of help...

i've had enough experiences of people who believe that once they do something for you, you automatically *owe* them

it makes me think of, a person inviting someone to their home. offering them a cup of coffee or tea
and when they've sit down all comfortable and finished their tea, you say "oh by the way that costs $10!"

isn't it the same?

 

[]L%;Zwnj]

several of you have mentioned helping people and then getting nothing in return

i'm a bit wary of this kind of action --i think if you do something for someone, you expect nothing in return... although i understand if you are in serious need of help...

i've had enough experiences of people who believe that once they do something for you, you automatically *owe* them

it makes me think of, a person inviting someone to their home. offering them a cup of coffee or tea
and when they've sit down all comfortable and finished their tea, you say "oh by the way that costs $10!"

isn't it the same?

Hmmm. I see your point. I don't think it's necessarily the same thing, though. With most of the other INFJs I've met, at least, they usually don't seem to expect a lot back, but maybe after we have been giving and giving and watching as those we help keep taking and taking, we feel overwhelmed and needy for a while, and may be prone to exploding in a flood of emotion that confuses people or locking ourselves away, depressed and frustrated that we feel we need others to give back. That's what happens to me. But maybe I'm crazy. Anyone else like this?

 

[Ria]

I wonder if INFJs who don't formulate a good system to manage their feelings eventually hate the world. I think a lot of people in general may develop a hatred towards humanity through bad experiences, but I have a feeling that INFJs suffer in extremes from this. I'm not speaking for all INFJs, but I'll just explain my experiences with this~ Please do discuss, share your viewpoints, post lots of monkey emoticons, and all the other snazzy stuff you guys do .

I have really high expectations for myself, as well as other people, and if they don't match up to what I'd like from them, I start feeling pissed off and I want to become a worse person because I feel like they don't deserve the kindness I would otherwise show them. I also can't help but notice that most of the time, my friends, and people in general asides from my family, are only interested in associating with me when they need help with something, or it involves their interests. I start to wonder if anyone has ever been genuinely interested in me, or am I just a useful resource. When I start "calculating" how other people are such selflish bitches, I start feeling more pissed off, and I just want to avoid interacting with anyone else for the rest of my life...but the goals I have will involve working with other people. -_-. I'm honestly not selfless enough to be able to help anyone who asks me for something without asking for anything in return, but I don't think I'm asking for much in return .

I dunno, if I try to explain to people, they just tell me I'm the one being selfish, but it stems from me becoming bitter towards things as described above -_-. I had a phase when I was extremely apathetic, and that was awesome. But then I started to deconstruct my apathy when I thought I was interested in someone Bad decision, I have to say.

I also have an issue with charities feeling like really rich people SHOULD donate their money to them. I do understand that charities are mostly for a good cause...for the "less unfortunate," or people with diseases, etc, but honestly? They worked hard to get their money, and if they want to hoard it, they have every right to. I'm not really a victim of this, but it still pisses me off. Although there are occasions when people have felt like I'm obligated to share whatever I have with them. =_=

I also think that maybe, because we're so nice, people feel comfortable being jerks to us since they know we'll probably forgive.

I don't mind helping and giving of myself as long as it is reciprocated back. It is important to us to recieve as well as to give otherwise we feel used and rejected for our own sense of being 'loved' and valued back by others.

Returning things and sharing is important in life and it's amazing just how bad many adults are at this skill even though it's a huge focal point towards raising children.

Even a simple basic act of love returned in whatever unique way from another is fine all be it in a 'Thank you' statment and a willingness to just spend time being caring towards you... It's all in the returning of showing interest and acknowledgment back for us deeper folk who sometimes feel like we should be making our livings with the use of our gifts of care, love and empathy and our time and precious energy!

 

[Ria]

... You know, I think I just hit the point now that I was trying to make on my last post...

We attach a deep meaning to our care towards others. It's not a usual measure of care but rather an intense one.

Sometimes because of this, it can feel as though we care more for others than they do for us, and this can cause us to feel kinda sad and sort of bittersweet...

It's nice for us to get shared good treatment back, otherwise our feelings of being forgotten, not important and or not as cared for back, are magnified.


So no it's not to do with expecting to be owed something for paying for a coffee visit, it's just a high expectation of good will shared amoung us all. Hope that was clearer.

 

[NeverAmI]

... You know, I think I just hit the point now that I was trying to make on my last post...

We attach a deep meaning to our care towards others. It's not a usual measure of care but rather an intense one.

Sometimes because of this, it can feel as though we care more for others than they do for us, and this can cause us to feel kinda sad and sort of bittersweet...

It's nice for us to get shared good treatment back, otherwise our feelings of being forgotten, not important and or not as cared for back, are magnified.


So no it's not to do with expecting to be owed something for paying for a coffee visit, it's just a high expectation of good will shared amoung us all. Hope that was clearer.

Makes absolute sense to me, and I agree.

 

[Solar Empath]

... You know, I think I just hit the point now that I was trying to make on my last post...

We attach a deep meaning to our care towards others. It's not a usual measure of care but rather an intense one.

Sometimes because of this, it can feel as though we care more for others than they do for us, and this can cause us to feel kinda sad and sort of bittersweet...

It's nice for us to get shared good treatment back, otherwise our feelings of being forgotten, not important and or not as cared for back, are magnified.


So no it's not to do with expecting to be owed something for paying for a coffee visit, it's just a high expectation of good will shared amoung us all. Hope that was clearer.

I feel EXACTLY this way. Any more I pretty much accept the fact that I *do* feel more strongly than the average person and that I *am* more empathic. This is what makes me - us - special. I take as much pride in it as a CEO does in his/her 'success'.

It makes it that much better when I run into someone who *sees* people that strongly. Instead of getting angry about it any more I simply try to nudge people I meet towards *seeing* more often. It's much more satisfieing than lamenting the plight of the blind.

 

[Top cat]

Makes sense... but for myself hmm ...

This happened to me yesterday
Someone offered to send me a book and I never asked for it
so I took it just to see what the book was about...
and now she wants me to do something for her.
It's a nuisance to me--- she should have negotiated this in the beginning
(and what she's asking for is a lot more work on my part --it's unequal )

I feel this idea of "high expectation of good will shared amongst us all" can take a bad turn on its own
I understand it's good intentions
but they are being forced on to other people...

It's not that I don't want to share
I feel like I'm being 'forced'
I want to do it when I want to, when it's sincere. Not because I have to

It was mentioned in another thread in this forum... About etiquette and manners
It connects to the same idea
You one day forget to say "how are you" to someone and everybody gets angry at you
even though there isn't really any point in saying it anyway
because 1.) You don't mean it
2.) You don't really want to know how the person is doing (because they're a stranger or you already know since you asked them on Monday.)

It becomes this..mindless thing...



If there is anything in this world that turns me into a misanthrope
it would be this idea of people forcing themselves on to other people.
I thought we would all have enough of this...
since a lot of us are introverts
I'm sure we've had similar experiences with extroverts
We need our space.

 

[DeadlyPacifist]

I'm just saying in general, to be generous towards each other, and not only talking to someone when you need something from them. I'm not talking about..I buy you a donut today, you buy me a drink tomorrow -_-. It's not structured as in your example, and certainly, I wouldn't do something for someone that I didn't feel like/was uncomfortable with doing, even if I "owed" them in theory.

I'm okay with helping someone who's really grateful and acknowledges that I'm taking out my time to help them~even if they don't help me back. It's mostly a psychological thing, not that I want "something" want...as in what you're saying, gius. My English is spiraling towards hell -_-.

It's hard for most people to understand my frustrating feelings. When you're the one with a problem, and you realize that no one's willing to help you, even though you've helped them with so much, you'll feel pissed off. In my case, I just hack at people's bodies in my mind, with an axe. :] I love violence.

Actually ignore that last part, I don't remember if I hack at people's bodies with an axe in my mind. I'm just really pissed off at my art teacher right now, for wanting every last detail to be so fucking precise. I THOUGHT THIS WAS ART *1-2.*

 

[Top cat]

I do know what it's like ..
I have helped someone a lot recently and I wasn't even looking for a thank you...I just wanted some message saying that he at least got my message. But I got nothing! And then I see him the next day and he talks about some completely different topic.
that was a slap in the face...

 

[Jayce]

I think, deep down, when INFJs are at their worst we're all Dr. Horribles.

 

[]L%;Zwnj]

I think, deep down, when INFJs are at their worst we're all Dr. Horribles.

YES!!