Are you conscious of what you say about someone who isn't in the room? | INFJ Forum

Are you conscious of what you say about someone who isn't in the room?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WellNoWonder, Apr 27, 2010.

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  1. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I believe people have a right to defend themselves....



    Thoughts?
     
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  2. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    People are going to talk about others when they are not present. That is human nature, and it is never going to stop. I try and make sure that I am fair with whomever I speak about when they are not around. Of course my own perceptions of the person is not going to be 100% correct, but I like to think I am mostly right with what I observe. If I speak badly of someone there is almost always a reason behind this.

    Just be conscious that what you are speaking has base to it, and you aren't spreading lies or misconceptions with whom you speak of.
     
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  3. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    This.

    Although when I notice myself talking about someone behind their back I immediately say "but I'm going to stop now because It's not nice to talk about someone behind their back" in a tone of voice that immediately shifts the blame onto whoever I was talking to.

    Yes I'm a bad person sometimes.
     
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  4. under skies

    under skies Community Member

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    There's a saying that goes something like, "If you want to know what kind of person someone really is, pay attention to what they say about others, not what others say about them." (I think I actually read that in a Raviv Ullman interview in Tiger Beat or something back in 2003, but we don't have to further expound on that.)

    Anyway, after reading that quote, I became really conscious of what kind of person I was if I went around saying things about people behind their backs, or at all, really. And that makes me sound kind of self-centered, but I'm just saying that it made me start to stop and think about the things I was saying before I said them. I've noticed that the way I think about people has also changed since then, and not just what I'll say about them.

    Anyway, when I talk about people I am not incredibly fond of, I remain very impartial and speak vaguely. I'll even make excuses sometimes for why people might say or do not-so-great things. I just don't like to criticize people, ever, because I don't know why they do and say what they do. Plus, I'm not perfect, so who am I to judge?
     
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  5. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    I usually keep things to myself, but now and then I will approach someone who I believe I can trust to be a sounding board for my concerns. Always I feel guilty if I feel badly towards another, and it's so painful for me that I just can't stand it. I crave to be on good terms with everyone if possible.

    Once in a while, I'll pick someone's brain with a question regarding someone's type, lol. I never mean anything badly about this though when I do. It's mainly out of curiosity and wondering if someone shares my view. I also believe most of us do this to some extent...
     
  6. Ecton

    Ecton Community Member

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    For me, it tends to just happen. I have never met anyone who is right about most things most of the time, so I tend to see it is inherently flawed and of limited value. Generally, I'm just a big mouth. I'd rather have a more subtle approach, which I am now working on (so far, a failure.)
     
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    #6 Ecton, Apr 27, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  7. testing

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    OH Yes, me too!!!!!!!!!!!

    I strongly dislike gossip and backbiting and absolutely believe people have a right to defend themselves. I spoke up in a meeting at work about this sort of thing recently, and especially in a professional environment, it can be horribly damaging to a person's reputation, often with huge conflicts of interest and it always shocks me when people will engage in this sort of behavior. I mean, it can affect a person's ability to earn a living, it can be vicious.

    This is the sort of everyday injustice that I can actually do something about, and I try to whenever possible.

    P.S. I am not talking about private venting sessions between intimate friends that is clearly not done in public to damage someone, or what goes on between partners. I am talking about the kind of nastiness that people will engage in at work, or at school or in groups of "friends", and I've seen people massively damage others' well-being and basic rights this way.
     
    #7 testing, Apr 27, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  8. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I have to admit I gossip from time to time. To only reason why is when people irritate me to get it of my system, then I can say some cruel things sometimes and when I don't know how to interact with a person, I talk about him/her with someone I trust to find out whether my findings are confirmed or not. With the one person I really have a problem with at work, I have yet to find a person I can trust and knows her at te same time... I don't think this last one is a negative way of talking about someone. Isn't it in the interest of that person that I learn to interact with him/her in a better way?

    but when I think of what people might say about me behind my back, I get a sudden fear around my heart! I would like to know but I would not like to know at the same time. It is always double with me. I think the only one who as the right to critize me is me myself, but I'm affraid that this believe will make me unaware of my surroundings and can cost me in the end... what do you think?
     
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  9. Ecton

    Ecton Community Member

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    Janet is where I want to get to someday.

    Right now, at my company, we are a small group of core people left over from a large failed project, where the majority of people were layed-off. Many times, our discussions devolve into trying to figure out where we went wrong on the last project.

    And that is where the attacks can get bad, particularly against people who no longer work at the company. It is sad, and it does bother me. But I am embarrassed to have to say that others have had to remind me to not do it.

    I think it can be very difficult in a post-failure environment.
     
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  10. testing

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    Morgain, on a personal level, I can honestly say I don't really mind what others may or may not say about me behind my back.

    You know you are great, and you are loved by the people that really matter, don't you? And even their opinions are just that -- opinions. So that's why I don't mind being talked about.

    (Frankly, as often as not I'm left wondering what on earth I did that is interesting enough for others to discuss.)

    On a professional level, the rules change. They really do.

    It took me years to realize this, but people at work have agendas and ambitions, and talking about others can be a way to meet those agendas and ambitions. My advice to you is: make sure you don't get burned! CYA (cover your a$$) and get things in writing whenever possible! And don't say anything to a work colleague you would not want repeated. There are work colleagues who are great people with good ethics but they are work colleagues first, friends (unfortunately) second. :sad:

    That sounds harsh, but it does not mean you have to go around stabbing each other in the back. You just have to be extra aware of professional ethics.
     
  11. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

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    To some extent I am, mostly because people tend to misread what I said and treat it as more harsh then it was meant to be, especially if they don't know me to well.

    I don't like to gossip, but such stories just find it's way to me, and somehow people tell me so much without even my wanting to know these things and usually before I get the chance to say that I'm not interested in knowing these things.

    When it comes to me, the older I get the less I feel that I should judge anybody so the need to be conscious about what I'm saying is lesser.

    As for the gossiping in the professional environment, a friend of mine recently got sacked from the job after some colleagues of hers made her speak about the boss and recorded it. They conveniently erased the part where they were badmouthing him and that recording "somehow" found it's way to the bosses desk. Now, nobody says she is not to blame, she should have known better, but what they have done was, imo, really nasty.
     
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  12. testing

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    Well, the thing about this is, if the people no longer work at the company, they will be less damaged by what may or may not be said. The situation I mentioned was about current employees. And I've been in situations in the past which I did not handle as well as I could have, I really should have talked to HR about some of the stuff that was said. It's hard to handle, though. I'm not saying it's easy or clearly-defined. If someone legitimately screwed up, that needs to be discussed openly so that the same thing doesn't happen again.
     
  13. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    that is really good advice! It is hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut at work. Not that I gossip a lot, I actually don't gossip a lot at work, but when I have a problem with a collegue, I need to talk it over with someone and it is better that you don't do it with a collegue, I know! I once had a talk with my boss about that collegue I have a problem with, and he was very understanding and helpfull, geniant wanted to help me "you should feel comfortable in your job, it is my job to make that happen". But I think one time is enough, I don't want to get a name with him. Damn then there is nothing left ... than to fluently find my way towards an other project with genious people!
     
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  14. testing

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    If the person is really hurting you, you are perfectly within your rights to complain, and I hope you do. I'm glad you talked to your boss... there were times in the past when I didn't speak up and I regret it. That is not gossip, that is a professionally ethical way to handle a difficult situation. (If the person is really a problem, start taking notes so if you have to complain, it is about specific actions, not about personality traits.)

    You'll usually find you are not the only person who has problems with a particular individual. It is SO hard to handle that sort of thing, and sometimes the best thing to do is breathe a sigh of relief when you don't have to work with them anymore! :hug:
     
  15. Gaze

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    This^^^

    Even if negative feelings are justified, I usually feel guilty about saying anything harsh or critical of the person when they're not around, because they do have the right to defend themselves. It is human nature to speak about people, but I think if it's done, it should be respectful and tactful.

    I know I've done it (much more than I'd like to admit but usually with friends or family), especially when I'm very upset with someone. I'm aware it's not good, and I feel guilty when I do. So, I don't think it's a good practice imo even if it is deserved. And at the end of the day, it is in poor taste and unprofessional especially in a social situation or professional setting.
     
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    #15 Gaze, Apr 27, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2010
  16. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Not really - there is no difference in how I will speak about someone whether they are in the room or not. However, I will be cautious about what I say depending more upon who is in the room listening.

    I won't gut someone in front of others, nor back-stab. My policy is:

    *if you have something to say to someone, say it to him alone.
    *if you have something to say about someone, say it to people who actually need to hear it.
     
  17. slant

    slant amour-propre
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    "Honor thy absence."
     
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  18. Isis

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    Oh yes, I am extremely conscious about what I say...just about anybody or anything. I've always detested talking about somebody behind their back, even if it is something positive. It always feels like I'm doing something wrong. So, I usually avoid talking about anything specific concerning people. The overall psychology concerning some situations and group setting and such, I have no problems with those, as long as no specific persons are discussed.
     
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