An inner prison?

[acd]

What's a sad thought? That you want a clingy person to cling to you as well? Why do you think that scenario would be sad?

 

[Ophelia]

Because what if them clinging wouldn't be beneficial for them?

 

[Stephanie]

I'd secretly evaluate their every word and move until I determined that it was safe to let them in. Then, I might volunteer some information about myself that I usually wouldn't, and if they are receptive and probe further I will let them swim around in my brain as much as they want.

Heheh.. On second thought, maybe I am sorta conscious of those walls..since I'm so strategic about who's in and who's not.

I do similar. . . I test people, purposely pushing details onto them. Of course I'm slightly pessimistic about it, and I "push" to test how far before they will start to pull back.

But I definitely wish I work my walls more like Naxx. I have a new goal!

 

[acd]

Because what if them clinging wouldn't be beneficial for them?

It's not beneficial for anyone to cling to anyone.

 

[bamf]

Until you have people actual "cling" to you it's easy to see pass the unhealthy aspect of it (unless of course you actually do have people cling to you...)

 

[acd]

It seems the only reasonable situation in which you find one clinging to you is when you are the parent of a young child.

Other than that, I think a grown person should concern themselves with fulfilling their own stability and depending upon their own thought process for peace of mind, rather than fleeting external validation.

You can have a totally fulfilling intimate and committed relationship with another person without clinging to them and without them clinging to you. It all has to do with being secure in oneself, though.

Perhaps I am nowhere near as romantic as I thought I was, but I kinda think that what is deemed an intense romantic relationship is often dysfunction in disguise.

 

[anica]

Well, I used to be similiar. I used to rely on other people for my emotional stability or just to make me feel good and safe. I was really clingy. Then I started thinking that I was tired of the roller coaster because usually, people are unreliable. Besides, people have their own lives to live and they can't be there for me every five seconds. (That's what I started thinking.)

There's a concept called, "healthy detachment" that I began to practice. I would still love the people that I let into my inner world, I'd still be concerned for them, yet I would be able to let them go. It took a lot of focus and I had to keep reminding myself that just because I let this person into my inner world doesn't mean that I have some claim on them and make them a prisoner of my inner world.

I think I learned early not to rely on others for my emotional stability, growing up with the push-pull of a mentally ill mother.

Now, however, instead of "healthy detachment," I would call what I do "panic detachment": once someone gets in, I tend to panic and want them out again. Over the years I've learned not to act on my panic and to calm myself instead of pushing people away. It started with my kids and not wanting to treat them as my mother treated her children and from there I was able to expand the concept to include a close inner circle. It's probably not the healthiest way of handling things, but aside from one or two costly errors, it's worked.

 

[Grey Wolf]

Definietly same for me. when someone I do not conciously allow in gets in, I panic also. But so far, only 2 people have done that. One is one of my closest friends, the other one..well..I'd rather not talk about it. Its one of those reasons that a part of me tells myself " see, thats why there are those walls in the first place you idiot"
but currently , I'm making sure no one else gets in for a very very long time. I cant allow myself to feel like crap and betrayed again right now. My studies and thus future ride on my walls now

 

[Ophelia]

While others see my ways as childish I look out and see the childish ways of theirs or perhaps too cold for my liking. For is not only living for oneself a pointless existance? As the mear shallow posessions seem worthless and one learns the accomplishments they've made have not brung them true happiness and in fact could have been done by any other person in life, shall I with my dying breath say "My only regret is that I haven't worked hard enough?" Perhaps my way is innocent but it is not childish or perhaps my ways are too old of a person who has seen too much. I just need something that goes deeper. I don't want my nerves and mind to be shattered by a bunch of people.
Also no you can have a fufilling relationship without clinging, it wouldn't be beneficial for you and another to cling to each other. I am not you though I am me. Your way would not work for me. My emotions are different than yours the way I think is probably different than yours and that is what makes me unique. I was raised differently than you. I am probably living in a different location than you. My weaknesses are my strenghths and my strengths are my weaknesses. I am clingy I am loyal and true.
Besides I have learn so many things when I am clingy like what the person likes, what they dislike. What words flatter them. What things make them happy, what things make them smile, laugh. Eventually I read them well and see even deeper. I like deepness. I learn to be very understanding. Of all the things that are unhealthy being loyal isn't one. And besides what if I saw your ways as unhealthy or wrong putting up walls and just letting go. (I don't I just find it unusual...sorta reminds me of my middle school years in a way)

 

[acd]

I'm loyal and true and I know my boyfriend inside and out. One doesn't have to cling to be these things. No one is attacking you. You'll see and do and feel whatever you want and whatever you feel is best for you. I'm just saying, I disagree. And if no one is allowed to disagree, it should have been specified in the OP.

It's not that walls are built so that a person can live entirely for themselves. I've been thinking that the walls we build are not healthy. Maybe it's best to be secure in ourselves and brave enough to let people in without being terrified of being hurt.

Maybe if we had enough faith in ourselves that we would heal from whatever betrayal we MIGHT suffer as a result of being open to intimacy with others, we'd discover some amazing things about people and ourselves.

So, I don't think closing oneself off from the majority of people is healthy. At least, for me I'll say that.
I especially don't think it's healthy to barricade oneself in and allow only another person into their inner world with them (romantically.) It just seems unhealthy that one should need to cling to someone for dear life in order to prove their loyalty to them.

The truest test of loyalty is being free and giving others freedom to pursue themselves and still remaining true to one another.

 

[Ophelia]

I am not trying to not say you can't disagree. On the other hand I am opinionated and have a tendency to argue. I kinda like arguing my points in a way. I just think the way I think shouldn't be considered childish it's hurtful and I find it to be a disrespectful term used in cases where someone can't understand the other persons viewpoint. I'd like to be understood more. If I talk to a bunch of people I won't be emotionally fufilled in any way. Do I know why this happens no. It's not my fault that I only let one person completely in... I am open with all of my friends and pretty much tell everyone everything if they wish to know it. but something about the person...never mind.. Anyway I believe things will work out. I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist insecure, but often times I know my abbilities and all too well...I know I am a little mentally insecure, but clinging didn't cause that and it's not unhealthy for me to cling.

 

[acd]

I really did not mean to imply that you were childish... I don't think you are childish.

Doesn't seem I was very tactful in all of my responses (as I go back and read them.)

I never meant to hurt your feelings, though. So I am sorry.

 

[acd]

Wow. I do sound totally arrogant in my posts on this thread. I had no idea until I just went back and read them all again, now.

 

[Ophelia]

...um, thank you? Anyway it's not even that I am super clingy. I just don't like being completely cut off. It's not fun to be left with millions of memories of someone in my opinion. I mean I actually will get sick and vomit and stuff from that sorta stress. When I keep on making friends and letting go something in my mind says Oh you don't have to remember anything anymore nothing matters and it's not my fault my memory gives out until I find the person I cling to but if there is someone who is sorta a constant in my life I take in more information and memorize it. I don't really have much of a choice but to cling. I just want contact with the person at least 1 time every month and to see that person once every half a year.........I think I get offended too easily sometimes. XD

 

[Quest]

I've built walls around myself. They don't keep others out, they only keep me in. Pretty much an inner prison.

Same here. But with me, they keep others out as well as keep me in. I love these forum. You guys ask such great questions.