Age Difference | INFJ Forum

Age Difference

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Caelum

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Jun 12, 2012
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So at my College, I grew some interest on a cute girl I would randomly see around. One day I decided to break the ice and get to know her. Everything looked great, and I thought we hit off our first day of conversation really well. I really felt an interesting connection with her. We talked and texted, and the infatuation grew stronger.

All seemed well and promising until I found out she was still a teenager just taking courses at the College. She had me fooled. Me being a 21 year old, I knew for an instant that I'd have to let this one go, despite the heart-aching disappointment. It was saddening, because I felt a connection with her that I haven't felt with anyone else in a while, and she felt perfect to me. But trying to get over her, aiming for friendship, I would still naturally find myself hanging out with her at the college library and cafe. My brain and heart were in conflict. Somewhere in between, I would often have irrational thoughts such as "What if her parents could be lenient based on my very youthful appearance?" I'm often told I look like I'm still in high school, and many are surprised when they find out about my age and being a short thin guy also adds to it. But I had to accept the fact that is my age. I also thought to myself, "Considering we're both good Christians & Catholics, maybe I could get us Purity/Promise rings" as I'd be willing to do it, and it would truly test our respect for one another and our religious faith. But still the risks, factors, and the high possibility of society, friends, and family looking down/shaming us severely outweighed the effort or possibility of having a romantic relationship with her.

Then, I finally accepted the fact that I just can't date her yet.

Now, I want to somehow tell her that "I like you, but we should wait a little while". I keep tangling myself in finding the perfect scenario or situation for it, how and when to say it. I want her to remember me for years to come, to reserve me in her heart, wait for me as I hope to wait for her. It's really difficult trying to get over her, but I know I would be a true gentleman by waiting for her, as it would also test true love.

So how should I go about this? Tell her directly or do it subtly/gradually so she gets the idea without hurting her feelings? What else should I do?
It's summer break, and I still chat with her online/text a few times a week.

Thanks,
A stressed, frustrated INFJ.
 
How big an age difference is it if you don't mind me asking? As in, how long would you and her be waiting for the socially acceptable age you two could be openly infatuated with each other and are both of you willing to wait for that time?
And regardless, it would be best to get her input on this. Make clear your feelings and your willingness to wait should she reciprocate those feelings. That you are weighing these factors heavily like this says that you aren't the kind of person that people imagine as the the scummy dude who picks up teenagers specifically. If any of that thoughtfulness has shown through in who you are as a person as I assume it has, then the honesty about your feelings and the offer to wait should put away most negative thoughts people involved might have.
 
I would agree that having a conversation with her about this is your best course of action, if you want progress. If she is really interested in you, then I'm sure she'd be willing to help brainstorm about what you can do, and you could come to a solution together. If she's close to 18, I don't see there being much of a problem with age, so I'm assuming she's closer to the lower high school age limit of 14.

Regardless of her age, her maturity is what will matter most. Even if you are ready to commit to a long term plan, she might not be, even if she believes she is because of her interest. And that is something that is quite hard to gauge, especially since you naturally want it to work out. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, so that must come first. But in order to make it work past that, keeping a clear head and trying to look at the situation objectively will be your best friends (and it's good to get some outside input, which you're already doing).

Tightly knit social groups such as Catholics can be a real impediment if your relationship would be "socially unacceptable," even if you and she agree it is a good idea. It sounds a little negative from your report, but as you have realized, if the touch of true love exists between you two, it is possible it will work out favorably. But that is why it is important to always hear her feelings and thoughts; her determination would be just as important as yours.

But have faith; if you already get along that well then I'm sure you're important to her.
 
you seem thoughtful and kind: to wait for her is such a beautiful thing to do. i truly hope things work out for the best for you.
 
Thanks for the input and advice everyone, I'm a little less tangled with my decisions and thoughts than before.

I just need a little more clarification. Should I have that conversation with her once she really starts to reveal her emotions & feelings? Or could it be any moment in a conversation where it would be applicable to talk about it? The latter option I feel might be a bit awkward, but I'm not sure. We've only known each other for about two months now, and at the very slow pace I've been taking this, it might be a bit early for me to reveal true feelings which the latter option would require me to do.

I've really been suppressing my feelings by trying to limit myself by talking to her only a few times a week and staying away from sounding flirty or "interested." She's given off winks, heart symbols, and other flirty gestures occasionally in chat, but I don't return them. It's like I'm acting to just be a friendly acquaintance. Is this okay? It worries me a bit because I have a feeling she might start to feel like I've totally rejected her forever, and I don't want her to just forget about me or get bored of me, completely losing the opportunity of a relationship with her in the future.

Also, since anything is possible, I'm also prepared for a possibility of a clean relationship with her if it just so happens to work out somehow. But thinking about this is another reason I'm so frustrated about what to say to her, how to say it, when to say it, how to act around her...etc.
 
Speaking as a woman, I would just tell her how you feel. You like her. You don't have to get into the I'm interested in a forever thing cause it might be a little early for that. But telling her that you like her in a romantic way (or whatever words you're comfortable with) gives her the opportunity to tell you how she feels. In my opinion, and it's just that, my opinion, I would make sure she and you are on the same page as far as the direction your relationship is going before stressing out too much about what to do after that. One step at a time. It's hard when you like someone that much cause you get afraid of screwing it up. The thing is, if she really likes you in the same way, she won't care if you screw up how you go about telling her. Plus, it's much better to make decisions about being a couple, as a couple.

On the other hand, speaking as a parent, which I am. It really concerns me how old she is. If she was my daughter and she was seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with someone that was 21, she better be at least 16 for me to even consider allowing her to see you in a platonic relationship, and I would want to know you and your family really well before I would even consider that. If she is younger than 16, I would get the police involved if I found someone 21 pursuing my daughter.

As we get older, age becomes less of an issue. Someone 10 years younger or older isn't seen as an issue, but when you're talking about some people that are considered adults and some that are still considered minors, it's a real issue.
 
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agree wit [MENTION=5224]Sadie[/MENTION]. Since you're 21, I'd avoid pursuing anything too soon. Get to know each other more. Sometimes, people think that once they're attracted to someone or interested in them, then that's when the relationship should begin. Not necessarily. Instead, build a healthy friendship first. No need to rush into anything. The need to have something now, may not make you appreciate it as much later. It's always easy to feel so caught up in feelings for someone very early but not be as devoted or invested once you have what you want or have been waiting for. She also needs to have the chance to leave her young adulthood and become an adult before having an adult relationship. She may be the most mature person in the world, but it's better, imho, if she waits until she has reached the age where she can more freely engage in that relationship.

I admire your respect for her. But no rush. Take it slow.
 
This sort of thing reminds me of something I once heard online

"There's no such thing as old age, but there is something as under age and it's quite an important distinction to remember".

I've done what you'r contemplating and I just want to say, don't do it. They may seem very intelligent and mature for their age at first but after a while they show that they aren't and you become placed in an awkward situation where you don't want to hurt them but you don't want to stay either. You could wait but I wouldn't bank on such a thing. The world is far to large to bank on a single person, though I shan't deny that often times in my family it's turned out for the best.

Despite what I've said though, just go with your instincts.
 
I am 12 years older than my boyfriend. Age means nothing. Don't limit yourself to other opinions. And don't be afraid to LIVE LIFE. if you don't do anything, you will regret having passed up an opportunity. If you do decide to go for it, and it doesn't work, then not only can you say "been there done that", but you can also add "and I made a remarkable friend along the way"! Just go with what's in your heart and HAVE FUN! You only get to live life once.
 
I dunno. Fine line between dating someone younger and messing with jailbait. I would think being a 21 year old and wanting to date a high schooler would be all sorts of red flags.
 
Stormy1 said:
I dunno. Fine line between dating someone younger and messing with jailbait. I would think being a 21 year old and wanting to date a high schooler would be all sorts of red flags.
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I was just reading recently about people with an age difference that start dating in high school, then the guy turns 18 and lands in court for having sex with a minor. Nevermind they may have been together for 5 years beforehand. Once one of them becomes an adult in the eyes of the courts, all bets are off.
 
Caelum said:
So at my College, I grew some interest on a cute girl I would randomly see around. One day I decided to break the ice and get to know her. Everything looked great, and I thought we hit off our first day of conversation really well. I really felt an interesting connection with her. We talked and texted, and the infatuation grew stronger.

All seemed well and promising until I found out she was still a teenager just taking courses at the College. She had me fooled. Me being a 21 year old, I knew for an instant that I'd have to let this one go, despite the heart-aching disappointment. It was saddening, because I felt a connection with her that I haven't felt with anyone else in a while, and she felt perfect to me. But trying to get over her, aiming for friendship, I would still naturally find myself hanging out with her at the college library and cafe. My brain and heart were in conflict. Somewhere in between, I would often have irrational thoughts such as "What if her parents could be lenient based on my very youthful appearance?" I'm often told I look like I'm still in high school, and many are surprised when they find out about my age and being a short thin guy also adds to it. But I had to accept the fact that is my age. I also thought to myself, "Considering we're both good Christians & Catholics, maybe I could get us Purity/Promise rings" as I'd be willing to do it, and it would truly test our respect for one another and our religious faith. But still the risks, factors, and the high possibility of society, friends, and family looking down/shaming us severely outweighed the effort or possibility of having a romantic relationship with her.

Then, I finally accepted the fact that I just can't date her yet.

Now, I want to somehow tell her that "I like you, but we should wait a little while". I keep tangling myself in finding the perfect scenario or situation for it, how and when to say it. I want her to remember me for years to come, to reserve me in her heart, wait for me as I hope to wait for her. It's really difficult trying to get over her, but I know I would be a true gentleman by waiting for her, as it would also test true love.

So how should I go about this? Tell her directly or do it subtly/gradually so she gets the idea without hurting her feelings? What else should I do?
It's summer break, and I still chat with her online/text a few times a week.

Thanks,
A stressed, frustrated INFJ.
Click to expand...

First girl that broke me was 17, I was 20. I don't think that's a strange age difference. 3 years. I might be wrong. Maybe 15 and 18 sound close to pushing it, but honestly I think that's pretty common. 21 and 15 now that might be a problem. I know you would forget my daughter almost immediately.
I'm pretty sure you would. But 17, 18 and 20, 21. I don't think that's an issue.
 
Why not tell her everything that you've been wondering so far? It might be difficult and awkward, but I'm sure you can think of some way to ease into the conversation. I think it would be valuable for both of you to know one anothers perspectives on this. Life is short, and I think it is beautiful if people can have the knowledge that they've established such connections with others they've found, even if it would be unwise to take your feelings further at this point in time.

P.S. I really don't believe it'd be so hard to get over someone, especially if you've never even gotten into a relationship with them. You may have been friends for a while and like her a lot and feel a "connection", but in reality you probably only know a sliver of who she is, and relationship-wise, you probably hardly have any idea of what she'd be like. Your feelings should die sooner or later, especially if you put your mind to doing it.
 
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