A question about INFJ comm cutoff

There's an old saying that people do business with people. That's why the airline industry never has to worry about the internet supplanting business travel. Nothing can substitute for face to face meetings. The same is true for relationships.

The supposed anonymity of the web confers a false sense of trust and security between strangers. You should never start out trusting someone. Rather, you should end up trusting someone.

 

If you want to look at it, as you started out thinking about it, as an experiment, take the girl's reaction as a sign that your experiment failed.

As Norton said already,

You are putting the cart before the horse. Trust is something you work up to. The girl realized this when she saw you face to face or maybe she didn't but something instinctively spoke to her and that's why she clammed up.

Not a good idea.

 

ok yeah wrong choice of word

Saying it was a failure isn't accurate. You're right.

And yeah, nothing can replace first hand experience. So, you found out what you're comfortable with....are you still comfortable with the level of sharing you did?

From what you wrote it would seem like the girl was not. And part of your experiment, I thought was to see if being a lot more open and trusting right off the bat, before you even know someone, would help in establishing a possible relationship, so in that respect, I would say the outcome points toward "No."

 

Move on, shes probably not interested. As for what I share, I keep my serious issues on the back burner unless she gives me an opporitunity to bring it up without making it something too negative.

On a 1st date I usually hold back all the negative stuff about me and show my best qualities and show that I am smart, sensitive, ambitious and hard working, once they are in line with that I can start to intro my faults.

 

I am always exactly who I am with everyone that I care about. If they can't accept me for that, then they are not capable of meeting my needs. However, there is a time and a place for everything, and certain subjects are not topics I will broach needlessly. However, if they are broached, I will be very honest and sincere, though I will tailor my answers in the interest of politeness and what seems to be the etiquette expectations of the person I am talking to. For example, if a woman I am on a first date with brings up the subject of penises, I'll keep the conversation clinical but not change the subject as if I'm offended. I'm not going to talk about my penis unless she brings up the subject of mine - at which point I'll be very casually honest and upfront. I have nothing to hide, but no need to offend anyone either.

I think the only reason to have non-disclosure is to make sure the other person is comfortable. If they are comfortable talking about something, there is no reason not to talk about it. It's a balancing act of self acceptance, sincerity, and compassion for others.

 

Oh come on, how can you know that? Sharing so many intimate things with someone on the net creates a lot of expectations when you finally do meet face-to-face. So unless she's someone who's learned to cope with the stress of that particular context it's quite possible for her to be such a bundle of nerves she completely shuts down.

Wouldn't be the first time that stress/expectations/anxiety/nerves caused an INFJ to withdraw into their private little world after all.

 

Here's what I have found with the internet, it is very easy to reveal things about yourself because there is a very little risk. You can choose to never meet this person, never respond to them anytime, etc. They do not know you well enough to know if you are telling the truth, they don't know what you look like, etc. It's only when you realize that expelling your truths and experiences (maybe dirty laundry) becoming intimate and understanding, accepting, that could possibly bond you with another creating the intimate environment that causes you two to feel compelled to meet one another.

Now meeting an individual makes it so real, flesh and blood in front of us. In retrospect the realness of all that airing of dirty laundry or mistaks or feelings and actions all our life, may make someone who's infj pull within and feel "naked". This could be very overwhelming for them.

It could then make everything feel like a giant rollercoaster of emotion and maybe something that should have never been taken that far to begin with.

I have had some experience in this. My advice would be even if you feel so "connected", maybe pick up the phone sooner or meet in person before getting swept up so much in "fantasy" of revealing everything about ourselves too soon. I know it sounds silly but I really think that not being physically in touch (phone or in-person) we tend to fantasize about who this person could be to us (soul mate) that too much sharing too fast can really ruin what could be a great thing.

 

This is actually really great advice. Video/voice chat is also a great tool to use to make things "more real".

 

I can relate to the internet/real life disconnect. I had an INTP who I'll mention again and again that I hit it off great with in person (once) and then we began talking on Myspace a shitload. Well, it turns out that while this person could be quite communicative online they weren't in person. This was a bit heartbreaking because the guy was really awesome.

I think that the thing about internet dating is for me I'd really like to meet in person as soon as possible. It's hard to understand a person online, and I know from experience that I'm not as concentrated and focused in real life like I am online. I think that if you're going to pursue a relationship with this person, you need to wipe clean the slate and get to know the person all over again- in real life. What you knew didn't match up. Try to get to know her a bit better. If things don't work out on the next couple of dates, then you know to move on.

That's how dating is, you know? Some people are good matches, some people aren't. It's really hard to size up a person with one date, or even three I'd think would be hard. What I work on during dates is trying to give people a fun time but get to know the core things about them, what they expect from a relationship, their religion, their short term and long term goals. All part of getting to know someone I suppose.

Although, I'll tell you this. I disagree about the thought of not sharing intimate knowledge straight up. I'm a direct person, and because of who I am, I want the person to know who I AM and what I've done, where I've been, to a certain degree. If they can't handle the upfront of my personality then that's a problem, and it will persist to be a problem on through the relationship. I don't think you should play yourself down or act any different on a date than you would on everyday casual things. The only justification for doing so is if you're an arsehole and are trying to disguise it.

 

Something like this has happened to me before. Y'all communicate on a deep level, but forget to put the dating face on to go forward. Real-life dating is about using the wave of physical attraction to gloss over actually taking a look at the naked person warts and all (and I'm speaking about metaphorical nakedness and warts for the most part). It's valuable, because real-life relationships, even marriages, need it as well.

Do some very light, very fun things. Yeah, do coffee, but then do some mindless activity on the next round.

 

Exactly.

I would probably behave the exact same way. Maybe she's just a little insecure, or shy? If she's an infj, she probably needs some time to feel at ease in this 'new situation', so it's not abnormal for her to feel very self-conscious. The situation is very overwhelming, it's frightening, you really don't want to screw things up.. So you keep to yourself. Especially if you think that there's something to lose. It's totally irrational, but still.

Sounds like a good plan. Being forced to talk endlessly when you're really nervous or don't feel comfortable can cause an infj to 'shut down' like nothing else, especially if she's the shy kind.

 

Yeah, what Nela said. Movie good.

 

I agree with Billy. Most of the INFJs I talk to would probably agree with me that, in general, INFJs go with their first impression most of the time.

Every time I have forced a the start of a relationship I ALWAYS regret moving forward and think, "I should have listened to myself. I knew something about this just wasn't right". Then I end things. It's fast and messy because it's very uncomfortable to me.

Granted, it sounds harsh (and it is harsh) but that's what happens when INFJs go against Ni.

My prediction is that if you keep pushing, you'll get the INFJ door slam.

 

You can't make assumptions about the reasons for her behavior as many here have suggested. Her shutting down was probably because she either didn't know how to interpret the situation and act (was it a date? hanging out with a friend? did you two actually have something to talk about?) or, more likely, because she was afraid and/or down on herself. I think the latter because she said her "demons were coming back to haunt her" or something to that affect. My point is that this girl is probably much more self-absorbed than people are giving her credit for.

When you say you couldn't recognize her, do you mean that she didn't talk how she does online or that she looked different than she did on online pictures? Did she see realistic pictures of you before the two of you met?

I'm asking because if the situation was possibly a date (even if it was only the first 15 min coffee date), she would have been acutely aware of that possibility (so much for go with the flow...), and she could have been dissatisfied with your looks or, more likely, subconscious about her own.

By making leaving the door open for a relationship, you are opening several new cans of worms.

As for sharing intimate knowledge, I guess that would depend. I don't know what to think about that really. I don't know what counts as "intimate knowledge".