You've got 10-20 minutes... GO! | INFJ Forum

You've got 10-20 minutes... GO!

Eniko

Eniko

May snark if provoked
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May 13, 2009
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So, I've been doing the online dating thing. Rather casually, really, not in any kind of rush since I'm still adding depth to my life without adding a romantic partner to it. Anyway, there's something that's been bugging me, and it's been mentioned in other threads. Is it just intuitives that will know within the first 10-20 minutes how something with someone new will go?

And I don't even mean on a date in real life. I'll start talking to someone I've been emailing with on MSN, and I'll just know within the first 10 or 20 minutes if there's anything at all there. I try to push beyond my intuition - it has been known to be wrong on occasion - and give people more of a chance but time and time again my gut feeling winds up being vindicated and there's just nothing there.

In a way I find this incredibly irritating. I don't want to know up front how things are going to play out. I'd like some more mystery, I'd like to be able to waste at least a little time on someone, trying to figure out who they are and what makes them tick, before rejecting them. Now I'm spending time on people and I already know it's a waste, which makes the whole process very unenjoyable.

Not to mention every time it happens I feel like I'm a bitch who isn't giving these girls enough of a chance. Even though I probably am. Ugh. Anyone have experiences with this or thoughts on the matter?
 
Yeah, I will know within the first 20 minutes or so just like you described. I actually value it, because to me I would rather know ahead of time that things wouldn't work, then actually go through with everything and then later realise it was a bust. Think part of this mentality is I have yet to really meet someone who I have mutual interest with, but know things wouldn't work out with.
 
I think that the only thing you'll know is if it'll go right or wrong. Intuitives aren't mind readers or future-tellers; you're not gonna be able to work out every single aspect of her in the first 10-20 minutes, but you'll be able to tell enough to say if it's worth carrying on with it or just leaving it where it is because it wasn't what you thought it was.

I don't trully see a problem with this - what's the point in pursuing something that's gonna end up making you miserable? All the better if you can figure it out in advance and use the time you could otherwise waste in finding someone better. And then, when you do, you'll have the time of your life figuring out little by little the person that you knew was right for you in the first 20 minutes.

It's a win-win sittuation, methinks~
 
Onyrica said:
I don't trully see a problem with this - what's the point in pursuing something that's gonna end up making you miserable? All the better if you can figure it out in advance and use the time you could otherwise waste in finding someone better.
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Depends. I don't think having your eye on the future is always particularly enjoyable. Even if it doesn't work out there's a few thrills and excitement even in casual dates that wind up not going anywhere. The now can be enjoyable, but it's hard to enjoy the now when you already know what's coming, and that's the problem.

Plus it's not as easy as reject one person line up the next so I wind up with rather large gaps in between prospectives anyhow, but the above is a bigger problem for me.
 
:m075: Hmm?
 
Wow, I relate strongly to some of these thoughts. It's to the frustration of various people around me who just cannot accept what must be going on in my mind. This just tickles me, even knowing that, from other peoples' perspective, it keeps me from a lot of potentially rich experiences, but, from my perspective, those "rich" experiences would surely just be waiste. Relationships are not just thrill rides or "I just want to have fun" for me, they are decidely a different animal. The little play-date compatibility that appears all too shallow to me may seem like it has merits, as though it's hard to say I regret them, but I just cannot will myself to pursure them.

So, something that I find especially hard to communicate is my sort of fear of the type of attachment that some people may form to me. First, of course it's crazy painful to imagine if they have that sort of severe feely I-want-to-talk-to-you-every-day kind of attachment when I know I basically like that they care so much, but then knowing that it's somehow innapropriate, especially knowing how painful it is to have to completely temper their expectations. I guess I sort of envision a relationship where they do have some of those hard-to-describe attachment feelings in some form, but that the relationship feel more like a thoughtful sort of co-operation, not a syrupy mess. Anyway, I guess one of the biggest problems with being so skeptical of potential for these things is less opportunity to find a greater possibilities, which, is something that I cannot let worry me, especially completely expecting that most people just aren't compatible in the way that I expect.

Well, I guess I don't know how those thoughts will help you, but I really enjoyed writing them, and I think that something similar may be going on in our minds.
 
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Eniko said:
Depends. I don't think having your eye on the future is always particularly enjoyable. Even if it doesn't work out there's a few thrills and excitement even in casual dates that wind up not going anywhere. The now can be enjoyable, but it's hard to enjoy the now when you already know what's coming, and that's the problem.

Plus it's not as easy as reject one person line up the next so I wind up with rather large gaps in between prospectives anyhow, but the above is a bigger problem for me.
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Yeah, I agree this is why Sensors, specially SP's are really good at this because they don't care what's going to happen tomorrow or later, they care on how they are going to have fun NOW, not in 2 minutes or 1 hour.
 
I can usually tell if a person has the potential to be "more than a friend" within the first 10-20 minutes, at the least. It's not really... like I know what won't work, but I have enough of the big picture to tell if things will or won't work out. I've always thought that if you truly want a partner to love and to receive love from, you need to accept them as a whole; for their good AND their bad traits. The first 20 minutes should give you more than enough of a look at the bigger picture to see how a certain person's goods and bads work together to make the person you're talking to. If you feel there's something there to pursue, then pursue it and enjoy the time you spend with a person.

However, if you don't feel like there's something there, then don't try to create a romantic relationship from nothing, because no thing can come from nothing. Otherwise, the relationship is basically a fling, I think. I agree than having your intuition let you know whether things will work or not is sometimes annoying, I'd think that it's better to hit the target dead-center with one shot that takes a lot of preparation, than hitting a target after several misfires.
 
If it makes you feel better, you can obscure your Ni with your Ti.

Just like me! :laser:
 
I'm thinking it's just that if you get bored within the first 20 minutes of talking to someone, that's for sure not someone you're going to want to go on a date with. Common sense perhaps.
 
As much as I talk about distrusting Ni and the like, I actually am pretty adept at this too. I know if I'll get along with someone very very quickly, and I'll know if they would make a good romantic partner in equal time.
 
I am good at this. If I ask them their orientation I most certaintly know whether or not I would like a relationship. The answer to every one is no.
 
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