Would you have a relationship with another INFJ?
- Thread starter Ghoulia Yelps
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Shaqie
The Grandmaster in Disguise
Example of non improving mindset:
"I am awkward and I can't change it, it is just the way I am."
Example of improving mindset:
"I am awkward, but I can change it, I will find a way to cure my awkwardness."
Basically to be willing to embrace you dynamically changing nature.
But why change who you are to fit someone else's ideals?
I'm awkward. I fucking love it. I embrace it!
If I changed, I would be less of who I am!
PS: Who doesn't love awkward?
Shaqie
The Grandmaster in Disguise
But why change who you are to fit someone else's ideals?
I'm awkward. I fucking love it. I embrace it!
If I changed, I would be less of who I am!
PS: Who doesn't love awkward?
Well I am an Ambition driven person who seeks and embraces change.
I am attracted to Ambition driven people who seek and embrace change.
I do not expect people to fit my ideals, but to fit theirs.
So you mean you want someone who is motivated and has a desire to better themselves throughout life. Say, if someone was stuck in a job they hate- instead of saying "I'll never get anything better" and stay there, you'd tell them "Suck it up princess, and get moving" - expecting them to take control of their life and seek out their ambitions?
Shaqie
The Grandmaster in Disguise
No, I do not. I usually say "You can" and let them be.
From then on they either move or not move, I do not have control of their motor skills.
PS: BTW when I say "You can" I actually mean it, and BELIEVE it.
No. I know his incredibly sensitive I am. I also think I'm in my head a lot. I could see being with another INFJ's as two people in their heads sitting next to each other not saying much or saying too much and freaking each other out. I also would never want to hurt another NF. I've never seen an NT hurt, they seem so indestructible to me. ST's too. I don't believe I've ever been involved with an SF.
I am not arguing that INFJ men are not logical, I just prefer to be with someone who has Te, and never when I meet people do I ask them their type before deciding whether or not I can be their friend or partner- all of that depends on chemistry and to a certain extent that sort of magic between two people- I just know I tend to question things a lot and that if I was to engage in a relationship with someone else who has Ni/Ti over the long term that it would be harder for me as an individual because I require a certain amount of steadfastness and certainty- I get that from my INTJ partner- I feel like sometimes when my conclusions are amiss my partner can use Te to clarify and elucidate my thoughts- with another person who has Ti/Fe I would worry that there'd be misunderstandings. In some ways I think we 'd understand each other incredibly intuitively if it was two INFJs, but I prefer to be with someone who has Te because I need to be challenged to express myself more clearly.
Certainly not all INFJs have that requirement and seek out that kind of relationship, but again that is who I am.
I seek out the firmness and clarity I get from my INTJ.
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I am curious, have you been in a relationship with another INFJ, is all of this coming from experience? I hope you realize I haven't been trying to attack you in any way, I just hope that you would never break it off with someone over something so small as MBTI.
I would never in a million years break off anything with anyone because of MBTI, in fact if anything I feel that I have a better understanding of types because of MBTI. I appreciate the different types now more than ever. Before I might've written off an ISTP or ISTJ, but as I have been on this journey I see the merits of all types. But that doesn't change my own natural predilection and dating history.
No, I've never dated an INFJ, but I know that I have never been attracted to one. I am always attracted to NTs typically. I do have two friends who are INFJs, and I have learned a lot from my relationship with them. #1 is my best friend and we have the greatest relationship ever imaginable- we get along great, we have awesome conversations and never miss a beat. The only downside is that she gets down a lot and questions things a lot, like the nature of reality, or what happiness really is- something I don't know if I could deal with in the long run with dating because I am also like that, and I might think we'd end up being down all the time if we were together. #2 is substantially younger, and we constantly have misinterpretations- she will read into things way too much, and say things that hurt my feelings, or she will do something that is somewhat embarrassing but then hermit away for a really long time- it's very on-again/off-again I'd like to be closer to her, but due to maturity or lack thereof it's very hard to be her friend. #1 and #2 are helplessly co-dependent, and have (in my opinion) relationships that would make me claustrophobic.
Both of them are very similar to me, I exhibit similar patterns- of being depressive, of reading into things, of kind of disappearing from my social scene, of letting my emotions kind of take a hold of me, of being more dependent of relationships. I know that I wouldn't be able to tolerate seeing my weaknesses in others, and in fact sometimes I am harder on my INFJ friends than other types because I expect more out of them. These friends also have many strengths, and I do appreciate them a lot.
But, that being said, I have never met an INFJ male in real life. They might be somewhat different just because of gender roles? If I met an INFJ male in real life I would probably be his friend. Usually I don't try to type people unless I've known them for awhile, or if it comes up- otherwise I just try to look for Fe or Te to establish how to build rapport and that's about it- I don't spend all of my time analyzing people.
Typically when looking for a significant other, I only look for long term partners that carry my same goals. An INFJ male would probably meet that criteria. But I don't know if an INFJ male would be independent enough for me. The other issue is that since I deal with so many emotions, being overwhelmed by all the emotions that INFJ male would feel.
Reasons why it wouldn't work:
#1 We'd become completely dependent on each other, emotionally/psychologically, therefore no longer being able to maintain outside relationships, or independent identities.
#2 We'd get wrapped up in each other's theories and lose the ability to be objective or maintain perspective. We might create this kind of fantasy that we'd live in, I could see visions of never leaving the house, getting out of touch with what's going on in the world. This seems particularly unhealthy to me (and I have seen this in other INFJ relationships).
#3 Fights would be horrible, and I know this having been in fights with these two friends, they say things that hurt me worse than what anyone else could say. I would prefer to be in a relationship where I don't feel that my feelings are completely in the hands of the other person. And since we both would want to avoid conflict we would probably skirt around the issue for months, and the fight would be that much more intense. People with Te on the other hand will always say what needs to be said, even if it is hurtful and then work to resolve it. Speaking from experience, sometimes when I am upset, I let it sit and sit and sit, and then read into it way too much- by being with someone who addresses things right away I am able to kind of let go, let it out, think about it and move on.
Because I am the kind of person to think about all of these different nuances that is why I am typically not drawn to other people with Fe & Ti- I can appreciate them from a distance, I might even admire them or have feelings with them, but I would never choose to date someone with those preferences because every time I even come close to thinking about dating somebody, I usually imagine what the relationship would be like, what the break up & fights would be like.
As a caveat, I do want to mention that all relationships have cycles, and that plenty can be said about INFJ/INTJ couplings like the one I am in now. There can be stuff said about ENFP/INFJ couplings, and INFP/INFP couplings. Each different coupling will face a different issue. It's just choosing which issue is tolerable and which issue wouldn't be tolerable that is part of being in a relationship. For me in relationships I would not be able to tolerate emotions and fighting, volatile situations bring out the worst in me. One close friend of mine is an ESFJ and we have the most volatile relationship. But sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. For other people the positive sides of dating an INFJ while being an INFJ might be worth it. For me, I can stand to have that kind of volatile friendship, but to be in a relationship where there was the potentiality of feeling all of those feelings is frightening for me- I think it would make me anxious.
Well I obviously can't speak for every INFJ male. My experience of me and my two male INFJ friends is that we are quite independent. The issues I have ran into on my part in romantic relationships have mostly been my poor choice in women and second that I don't open up enough. As far as conflict avoidance goes I actually like to deal with conflict head on so that the air is clear I hate hanging issues. I definitely appreciate you pointing out the fact that another INFJ can be so cruel with words due to reading you so well. I suppose with guys we don't really do that sort of thing with each other. I have been guilty of such in a relationship though. Lol just realized something I have this horrible issue of not realizing consciously that I have an issue with something and it builds up overtime and explodes out of nowhere. In short I think I just realized I should probably never date another INFJ. Thanks for your considerate approach with me. I apologize if I came off as attacking you in anyway.
These two things are certainly me as well. I would actually really like my partner to deal with things head on, rather than have it hanging over us- it something that really bothers me. I'm the type of person that needs to go to sleep happy. I was in a relationship with someone that would stew, and there were many nights that I felt sick going to be upset and angry...it drains you!
Also, opening up is a huge thing. I know I have issues with that as well- it almost puts an expiry date on all your relationships.
maybe...
very complicated person the INFJ, but knowing what i know now i would have to say yes I would because it is very rewarding... but to the naive non-INFJ pursuer i would say run away if you have the chance unless you are willing to put in the time to understand them at a deep and complicated level, the normal play book does not compute!
very complicated person the INFJ, but knowing what i know now i would have to say yes I would because it is very rewarding... but to the naive non-INFJ pursuer i would say run away if you have the chance unless you are willing to put in the time to understand them at a deep and complicated level, the normal play book does not compute!
You mentioned that he was scared. And someone said that he might be afraid of intimacy.
Sounds familiar. Somehow, he reminds me of myself. I'm trying to go back to the time where I got scared when someone got too close...
I feel bitter, protective. Like that person is asking me to give myself wholly to them, and its very uncomfortable, a big thing to ask. But it's unlikely that it's what they want.
Either way, it's what we feel. It's like they're taking away our individuality. We may value our time with ourselves and it seems relationship takes that away from us. There are many possibilities to why we feel that, I don't know the reason for me yet and I'm trying to figure out.
Sometimes, I think it's because I've unconsciously weighed down the pros and cons and realised that it would hurt them a lot more to be with me than not being with me. For many times, I've felt heartless towards others unreasonably, and I don't want to do that to someone who's trying to care for me.
Sounds familiar. Somehow, he reminds me of myself. I'm trying to go back to the time where I got scared when someone got too close...
I feel bitter, protective. Like that person is asking me to give myself wholly to them, and its very uncomfortable, a big thing to ask. But it's unlikely that it's what they want.
Either way, it's what we feel. It's like they're taking away our individuality. We may value our time with ourselves and it seems relationship takes that away from us. There are many possibilities to why we feel that, I don't know the reason for me yet and I'm trying to figure out.
Sometimes, I think it's because I've unconsciously weighed down the pros and cons and realised that it would hurt them a lot more to be with me than not being with me. For many times, I've felt heartless towards others unreasonably, and I don't want to do that to someone who's trying to care for me.