Why do older women like to call people honey?
- Thread starter jupiterswoon
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Yep, agree with all of this. Basically is exactly why I find it irritating also. If it was someone I knew personally it'd be different. But that wasn't really what you were getting at with this post I didn't think. I thought it sort of went without saying that someone who you were close to using a term of endearment would be fine. But I suppose not, so...yay clarification.
Especially B. I like to be treated as an intellectual equal especially by people I do not even know. It is a respect thing. These sorts of childish terms tend to make me feel very much that either they do not take my intelligence seriously or are trying to convince someone else not to, like in the situation that you described.
And of course also that lovely feeling of "now I have to bend over and take it even though I don't like it, because I'll be an asshole if I say otherwise, and they know it".
I feel this, so much.
Can you get her to talking about her grandchildren and then ask her if she calls them "honey"?
I'm trying to find ways you can you innocently ask her questions to turn her thoughts in a new direction and/or destabilize her thinking momentarily.
One of the dynamics going on that I see is your fear of being disrespected by her. Perhaps if you explored your fear in this situation - you could come gain some insight for your self into why/how she has this effect on you. I've noticed in my life whenever I am "fighting against" something it only reinforces it - in me - and my situation. Watch your thoughts whenever she enters into your sphere. Watch your emotions that come up. Use this condescending person to benefit you.
My earlier statement included terms of endearment used by strangers. I see it as being friendly. I find they are most commonly used by extraverts.
As for the condescending tone, the name used, to me, is irrelevant. If you call me bud, honey, sweetcheeks, Kevin, etc in a condescending tone, it is your tone that I don't like, not the name.
Words have no feelings. It is the feeling being put into the word that I interpret. Maybe that's just an Fe thing? Or maybe just a me thing.
In any case, I ask you this [MENTION=5301]jupiterswoon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=3240]Jill Hives[/MENTION]...
Is it better that the world conforms to what you, personally, find offensive, or that you choose to listen a different way? It easy to become so angry with the world that will not treat you the way you want to be treated. I would question more deeply as to why a word is so irritating? It's just a word. Even if they are implying something, so what? If they came right out and said "you're a stupid bitch" that wouldn't make it any better and they still would not have any respect for you.
As someone that has worked in IT for a while, let me tell you that it doesn't matter if you are young or old, male or female, people will treat you like dirt anyway. It comes with the territory. Instead, I make it my mission to solve their problem and go above and beyond their expectations. I have had customers/users tell me what a jerk they feel like afterwards. I also have had customers/users that still hated my guts. You win some, you lose some.
NOTE: Please understand that I am not judging or attacking your way of thinking. Everyone has their own preferences and I respect them, even if I have a differing opinion.
As for the condescending tone, the name used, to me, is irrelevant. If you call me bud, honey, sweetcheeks, Kevin, etc in a condescending tone, it is your tone that I don't like, not the name.
Words have no feelings. It is the feeling being put into the word that I interpret. Maybe that's just an Fe thing? Or maybe just a me thing.
In any case, I ask you this [MENTION=5301]jupiterswoon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=3240]Jill Hives[/MENTION]...
Is it better that the world conforms to what you, personally, find offensive, or that you choose to listen a different way? It easy to become so angry with the world that will not treat you the way you want to be treated. I would question more deeply as to why a word is so irritating? It's just a word. Even if they are implying something, so what? If they came right out and said "you're a stupid bitch" that wouldn't make it any better and they still would not have any respect for you.
As someone that has worked in IT for a while, let me tell you that it doesn't matter if you are young or old, male or female, people will treat you like dirt anyway. It comes with the territory. Instead, I make it my mission to solve their problem and go above and beyond their expectations. I have had customers/users tell me what a jerk they feel like afterwards. I also have had customers/users that still hated my guts. You win some, you lose some.
NOTE: Please understand that I am not judging or attacking your way of thinking. Everyone has their own preferences and I respect them, even if I have a differing opinion.
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@jupiterswoon In this case, the answer to your question is that the people you are referring to like to use the word because it gives them that extra little thorn of bitchyness in conversation without having to be clever or put much work into it, but you probably already know that.
You should call them honey back LOL. But if it's clientele, there's really nothing you can do but keep your cool and swallow it. Try not to take it as a reflection of your job competence or worth; people just act like jerks sometimes (maybe they'd been having a bad day or bad life).
You should call them honey back LOL. But if it's clientele, there's really nothing you can do but keep your cool and swallow it. Try not to take it as a reflection of your job competence or worth; people just act like jerks sometimes (maybe they'd been having a bad day or bad life).
I wanted to ask, why do you assume that if a stranger calls you Honey, that they think you are less intelligent? If older adults are the primary users of these terms, how are they 'childish'? Or are we still talking within the context of condescension?
I am asking, because I do not understand. Maybe it's because I'm autistic, or dumb, or whatever, but I just don't understand the logic behind these social rules. If one does not believe it is disrespectful, but another does, who is right? Which rule must we conform to? This is in part why I have a social disorder/phobia. I never understand what is appropriate to say and what isn't because everyone is different. I get yelled at a lot or people just avoid me altogether.
What I find interesting is that I am the one whose disability is being unable to generalize social rules across many individuals. I don't think I am disabled that way. I think I have it right. I maintain a ruleset for each individual and I interact accordingly. I'm going to argue this with my psychologist.
People who you can call honey: a lover, a child, someone who could be your child. To use it any other way I would take as they are using it in the way I italicized. To talk to me as if I am a child is insulting and people know that.
Says who? Or is this the rule that you go by?
To call someone honey just means that they are sweet like honey, not that they are a child or a lover. The tone behind the word may imply that however. Without the tone, how do you make that assumption? Or is it because this is only how you've seen it used?
If I go to the grocery store and the cashier calls me honey, should I immediately assume that she is being condescending? If I visit the South in the US, do I assume everyone is doing the same? What about 'flaming' gay people? Visiting a senior's home?
NOTE: Again, I am not attacking, though it can be perceived that way. I am genuinely curious.
says life man. i dont make the rules.
Well regionally I'm talking about the north. I never take being called honey ( or sweetie , hun, or any of those things)as a good thing - unless it is a very very old lady, like 55+. Plus the tone it is used has to be just right.
Where I live it doesn't mean you are sweet like honey. That made me lol actually. How would they even know that, its always used with new and passing acquaintences. . I suppose you could take It as they are trying to butter you up and get a good tip out of you, in addition to my previous list.
I was watching king of the hill the other day and hanks male employee was calling people honey, so in that context I have no idea what it means.
But if no one told you, then you are making an assumption; probably based on observed behaviours.
Think about it logically. The terms Honey, Sugar, Cupcake, etc are all things that are sweet. Ergo, you are sweet like honey, sugar, etc. They are terms used primarily in previous generations which have filtered into our own dickish generation. (From what I can see, the current generation seems to try to make everything out to be something bad). Otherwise, those terms make no sense as negative implications, unless there is such ann intention behind the word. But if there is no tone or context to indicate as such, then the implication is an assumption on the assumer's part. Which means the assumer would get upset over something that may not even be happening. Which doesn't make sense to me. (Though I'm just as guilty for the same faulty logic, but in other contexts!)
This made me laugh. Not sure why, but it was probably the idea of males calling other males honey, especially in Texas.
But if no one told you, then you are making an assumption; probably based on observed behaviours.
Think about it logically. The terms Honey, Sugar, Cupcake, etc are all things that are sweet. Ergo, you are sweet like honey, sugar, etc. They are terms used primarily in previous generations which have filtered into our own dickish generation. (From what I can see, the current generation seems to try to make everything out to be something bad). Otherwise, those terms make no sense as negative implications, unless there is such ann intention behind the word. But if there is no tone or context to indicate as such, then the implication is an assumption on the assumer's part. Which means the assumer would get upset over something that may not even be happening.
This made me laugh. Not sure why, but it was probably the idea of males calling other males honey, especially in Texas.
interesting perspective. I disagree with the way you go about coming to your conclusions as well as with your conclusions themselves.
Alrighty then. I get the point the Fe users around this hurr thread are trying to make and I can see that and sort of appreciate it, but this is a sore spot for me and I've been dying to say this (namely thanks to my ESFJ mother in law). So I am going to.
It would appear that some Fe users would go far to acknowledge just what sort of individual they are speaking to before they use these so called culturally accepted terms of endearment. Isn't the entire point to make someone feel good? And if the person you use them on does not enjoy being spoken to that way, it does the opposite of making them feel good. And if you are a stranger, you really have no way of knowing if this person is going to be one of those types of people or not. Maybe what would make them feel good is to be spoken to in a more serious manner. Not everyone is the same.
I don't expect someone to change the way they prefer to interact just for me. But if I don't like something someone is saying to me, I'm not going to act like I like it just to make them feel better about the fact that they were "trying to be nice", when the entire point of them doing it in the first place was to be nice, and I didn't like it. This is assuming they actually were being nice, and not just being a condescending poopy pants.
And if someone expects ME to suck it up and deal with it because that is just how they are after I tell them politely that I don't appreciate being addressed in that way, I am going to add them to my naughty list.
It would appear that some Fe users would go far to acknowledge just what sort of individual they are speaking to before they use these so called culturally accepted terms of endearment. Isn't the entire point to make someone feel good? And if the person you use them on does not enjoy being spoken to that way, it does the opposite of making them feel good. And if you are a stranger, you really have no way of knowing if this person is going to be one of those types of people or not. Maybe what would make them feel good is to be spoken to in a more serious manner. Not everyone is the same.
I don't expect someone to change the way they prefer to interact just for me. But if I don't like something someone is saying to me, I'm not going to act like I like it just to make them feel better about the fact that they were "trying to be nice", when the entire point of them doing it in the first place was to be nice, and I didn't like it. This is assuming they actually were being nice, and not just being a condescending poopy pants.
And if someone expects ME to suck it up and deal with it because that is just how they are after I tell them politely that I don't appreciate being addressed in that way, I am going to add them to my naughty list.
[MENTION=3240]Jill Hives[/MENTION] I agree with you: people have no way of knowing if "honey" is a satisfying way to address someone. But I'm not sure they're looking this deep. They don't think about it twice. Older man situation creeps me out a little more, to be honest. And relatives love to "sugar" and "honey" me too. Because I told them once I didn't like it they called me savage and hostile.
I think addressing in a neutral way is the way to go. However, if I like someone and they have a nice vibe about them, they can "sugar" me. But in general it rarely feels right. Maybe even fakey at times(?)
I think addressing in a neutral way is the way to go. However, if I like someone and they have a nice vibe about them, they can "sugar" me. But in general it rarely feels right. Maybe even fakey at times(?)
That is fair.
However, the initial assumption I got from the OP, was this logic:
Some people think being called Honey is rude. Therefore no one should call anyone Honey.
Amendment: with exception of lovers, children, etc.
I think this logic is unreasonable.
I think this is more reasonable:
Person A calls Person B, Honey. B dislikes being addressed as such. B informs A, in a respectful manner as such (not react emotionally). A respects B, by addressing B according to preference.
NOTE to OP: I apologize if I seem as if I'm trying to be invalidating your vent. I do empathize. Though not in this exact context, but I have felt this way in similar ones.
To add to the venting, what I dislike is when you've made it clear that you do not like to be addressed as Honey, but then they make passng comments about it!
Oops didn't mean to call you Honey. I know you told me not to call you that anymore. I don't want to sound like an asshole because I called you Honey.
If you do it by accident, just move on or say oops/sorry then move on. Don't turn it out to be a thing. :S
My boss does something similar ALL the time and it is very annoying. He is one of the most passive-aggressive people I know.
Oops didn't mean to call you Honey. I know you told me not to call you that anymore. I don't want to sound like an asshole because I called you Honey.
If you do it by accident, just move on or say oops/sorry then move on. Don't turn it out to be a thing. :S
My boss does something similar ALL the time and it is very annoying. He is one of the most passive-aggressive people I know.