Why be in a long-term romantic relationship?

[Peppermint]

Also, the assumption of the discovery being over is debatable.

 

[linger]

I think familiarity actually lends itself to a different kind of excitement. It's more of an anticipation thing. You get to know someone well enough that you can sense when things are about to happen.

But I'm an anticipation junkie. And my old partner knew that and completely abused it (which I knew he would). It was a good thing. It was a very good thing.

 

[Patrick Williams]

What are long-term romantic relationships for?
- For me, companionship, friendship, emotional intimacy, love, family

What is enticing about them after the discovery/exploration phase is over?
- The problem with this is assuming that the initial honeymoon phase is the prize. It's the long term committment which matters in this type of relationship, not the initial lovey dovey stuff which the world tends to romanticize or idealize. We're not taught to value the things about a relationship that we should so we impose unrealistic expectations and understandings of what it is which makes many fail. You need to have a long term view and prepare yourself for what it means to sustain it over a long term. It's not just about an initial feeling or spark which lasts for a short time. It's what that spark means and what both expect it to lead to which matters. Considering it something which is simply feelings based on moment to moment satisfaction is not healthy. You will be disappointed. The problem is also focusing on self fulfillment and not how the relationship affects you as a couple. If you're only thinking of you, a long term relationship will not be satisfying because as soon as you begin to feel dissatisfied or bored, then you'll think it's time to leave or find someone new. That's not what a long term relationship is about. It's about learning how to build, not just expect, a good relationship which will last.

What is so exciting about familiarity? Does familiarity not feel like stagnation?
- Depends on who you are. Why does everything have to always be "exciting" to be good and satisfying? Just like anything in life, you have great and very euphoric moments and at other times, not so great moments. We expect way too much from relationships and people in relationships. You can't expect people and relationships to always be everything you want it to be. You can't put these expectations on relationships. That's a recipe for dissatisfaction later on. Because if it's not how you expect or want it to be, you'll write it or pronounce it dead before it's even had the chance to breathe because you're not putting the effort into making it a relationship that's based on sustaining a committment for the long term, especially if it's based on feelings which can go up or down too easily. And many will disagree with this, but although people can make you happy, that's not their job. Although people can help you to enjoy life and make it wonderful, it's not their job to be a perpetual source of joy or excitement for someone. That's not someone's reason for being. If someone's make you feel excited and wonderful that's good but to make their worth or value in a relationship based on what they can give you or whether they make you feel a certain way is relationship that's based more on your personal needs, not on what you have to offer or give each other as a couple. Of course, you want to happy in your relationship and feel personally excited about the person but to make them responsible for all those feelings is unfair and unrealistic. People are people. They can only give what they can give or be who they are. If they naturally bring joy and excitement to your life, then that's great but expecting that this is what they should do or be always for you, is a recipe for unhappiness later. People change and they're not always going to be able to be everything you want. But of course it's great when both people want to make each other happy especially if they enjoy being together and are not doing it out of obligation.

Wow, Cedar said it all! Vey good!

As people, we have a desire to connect with others in a deep way and going from person to person like a bee goes from flower to flower to collect pollen may be exciting but it will, ultimately, lack depth and, in the long run, prove unfulfilling later on in life when the vigor and beauty of youth has faded (IMO). Life is not about the excitement of romance but the depth of personal connection which, if it happens, is much more satisfying (and romance can still be there but is is based on a friendship that has depth)

If your spouse is also your best friend (or one of your best friends), then your relationship will be more satisfying and has the foundation to make it for the long haul.

Life is best when shared with others and to really share life takes real relationships that have weathered the storms of life and have some depth to them - people who love and accept each other even though they know about all their flaws, insecurities and failures in life (because it is easy to like or love a person who seems perfect - but that does not really exist).

Watch the movie, "Into the Wild" about the life of Christopher McCandless who was a free spirit and sucked every moment out of life. In the end, however, he wrote something very telling in his journal before he died (his journal was found later). He wrote this: "Happiness [is] only real when shared".

As Cedar correctly said, no one can make another happy and to burden someone with that responsibility is unfair and doomed to destroy any relationship. Happiness comes from within but finds its ultimate fulfillment in community with others and that would be the whole basis of long term relationships that have depth and quality.

 

[MindYourHead]

[MENTION=1669]Cedar[/MENTION]
Yes, I also think you summed it up very well.
I have been with my Wife for 14 years.
We both had previous marriages that didn't work out so well that we learned from. I joke that my first marriage was a practice marriage.
Our relationship at this point is really very easy and seems natural.
We rarely if ever fight. Of course we have disagreements, but nothing to the degree that resentments are formed.
Absolute trust is also required.
While I can't predict the future, at this point don't see any reason why our relationship won't last until one of us dies.
For myself, i wouldn't want a life filled with short term relationships. I see the potential for having way too much uncertainty and baggage to sort through with each and ever one. Drama. Who needs it?
If I found myself single again I would have the same mindset I did before I met my current Wife. Not seek anyone out. If I meet someone great. If not so be it.

 

[Rferraris]

but so much more effort seems to go into the different parts of a lifelong partnership.. and we have multiple friends (most people) vs. 1 long-term partner (most people)..

A lot of effort goes into a lifelong relationship. But you don't know how long you'll be together at the start.

I'm too intense. My workouts are intense. My degrees are intense. My focus is intense. My work is intense.
So how could I be with anyone and not be intense. If you aren't intense in some way, if you don't stand for something, if you haven't achieved really hard goals, if you don't have passion, you are useless to me.

So I have my entire life had all these people around me. Hundreds of Facebook connections. I don't know any of them. Not interested in them. The ones I think of as friends are dead.

Longterm relationship. Well I'm with her 23 years. Met her she was 21. Me just turned 24.

No kids. Don't like them. Don't want them. And probably can't have them cause we are careful, but I would think we'd have screwed up at least once. But I know she doesn't want to get pregnant, and I'm only so familiar with her cycle. So she manages that for us I guess now that I think about it.

I guess if she got pregnant that would really fuck things up. I can't see us aborting. But I can't see us as parents.
Maybe now we could since money and most others things aren't issues.

But we are both from broken homes.
And I have a rich dad, poor mom.
Funny my mom gifts me and has nothing. My dad is pretty useless. I don't like him for who he is. So I hope he dies peacefully and is ok if I don't show up.

Her dad split when she was 10. But her bother and all her cousins that grew up around her took care of her.

So far not much to do with answering your question. But you can't have what I have after only a few years.

You learn each others thoughts.
You learn each others next move
You sort of complete each other.

I trust her
I don't trust anyone

I love her.
I would die protecting her.
She doesn't ask me to. But I know she feels safe because I'm there.

I could spend hours on this.
I feel sorry you have to ask.
I think most people have no shot at finding it. But I think it's cause you're all too selfish.

I wake up and my first thoughts are checking the house and making sure everything is ok.

I run to the list of chores before she gets a chance. I get home. Love to cook and am awesome at it. Love to surprise her when she gets home.

I come home and she's bought me something she thinks ill look good in.


I'm with her 10 years when she decided to become a veterinarian. Lot of work.
Lot of stories we share. Lot to look back on.


Sex. Wow. It would take years to get where we are. No inhibitions, no rules, I know her. Always trying to find new ways. But we worked for it. I have the money to eat, travel, do the thing we dream of. But we started with little. We built this together.

So for me there is no other way. And when she is gone and left me here, I'll probably stay by myself since anything else would be so unfulfilling. There is no repeat for me. I don't have the energy to learn someone else. And I'm sure I won't find someone I find interesting or worth it. So i'll die alone. I will die after her. No fucking way I'm leaving her here with you assholes.
And if I die first you better hope there isn't away for me to get at you.

So in my opinion your life is empty if you don't try. She's just a friend. Just happens to be a best friend at everything. But I think you need to find someone that makes your heart stop a little and then work at being the best person you can.
Just my thought. I can never be good enough for her. Don't get me wrong. We argue too. Just start laughing before long. Just love her too much to keep the argument going. Not like she means to piss me off. I'm an idiot a lot, but try to make up for it.

She never asks anything from me. If she did I probably would have lost interest along time ago. Because she doesn't demand anything I spend my days trying.

I think if its about you. Then that's what you get. You. And a lot if passers by, and then you're alone again. Maybe that's enough for a lot of people. I hope so cause the sorry lot of the most of you I see out there everyday don't deserve to affect other people. But that's just the way I see them. I'm sure they are very nice. I guess that's my FE coming out.

Maybe said differently you get what you put in. If you're lazy, then don't expect much.

But for me it's the most intense thing that's happened. For a really intense guy. And I know I'll die as intensely as I lived. But that what I want. I lost interest in new faces a long time ago. There aren't that many pretty ones , or interesting ones. Once in a while I meet someone that seems to have something new. I sometime wonder how it will go. Don't really try to make it happen. It will if its supposed to. But the new friends that seem to show up are just repeats and who wants to do that again. Once is enough. And the 3 real friends I had are dead. And so far people I meet are just coffee conversations and I'm bored. But
I'm not lonely so not looking I guess either. But if I do make another friend, I will go about it like we are friends for life.

 

[Vict]

Safety.

Fear.

 

[Jill Hives]

For me personally...when I fall truly in love with someone, I can't NOT love them for as long as they'll let me. It's just natural for me to be this way. Basically, if I tell someone that I love them, I am with them and only them until they either A) tell me they don't love me or want me anymore B)do something so atrociously unforgivable that it cannot be reconciled (continuous cheating, murder, heinously torturing animals etc.) or C)they or I die. I know how idealistic that sounds but...that is how I am.

I remember telling my last ex early on in our relationship, who at the time was sure I would end up breaking up with him at some point, that I wasn't the dumping type. I said if anyone gets dumped it'll be me. He didn't believe me at the time, but I knew it was true. He dumped me, 3 years later.

So basically I agree with [MENTION=4871]CindyLou[/MENTION], I think some people are just wired for them.

 

[rawr]

Also, the assumption of the discovery being over is debatable.

came here to say this.

have an upvote! (erm, thumbs up. too used to reddit.)

 

[barbad0s]

It's a sign of emotional maturity to be able to stay in a relationship past the immature infatuation stage.

I personally have not had one last longer than 8 years, but I'm only 30. We'll see.

Stagnation isn't something I've ever felt, though I realize others do feel it.

Is it not a sign of emotional immaturity to only do things that are attempts to signal to others that you are emotionally mature? I just think "showing others" is a kind of shallow reason to do something like this :S unless you were just making a not-as-directly-relevant comment.

 

[rawr]

Is it not a sign of emotional immaturity to only do things that are attempts to signal to others that you are emotionally mature?

care to expound?

 

[CindyLou]

Is it not a sign of emotional immaturity to only do things that are attempts to signal to others that you are emotionally mature?

I guess so. That would be a bizarre thing to do. Why would anyone attempt to signal some fake emotional maturity to someone they didn't really care about anymore? LOL. I can't imagine anyone actually doing that.

 

[the]

Is it not a sign of emotional immaturity to only do things that are attempts to signal to others that you are emotionally mature? .

Idk, what if they are practicing being mature? While you may be immature, isn't it a step in the right direction to at least act appropriately?

 

[CindyLou]

[MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION] I see now why you thought that was a reason..."Showing Others Emotional Maturity" wasn't my reason as was "Actual Emotional Maturity" that people stay in relationships past the immature infatuation stage. By a certain age someone who hasn't been able to stay with someone past the infatuation stage is a signal to me that their emotional development isn't in line with their physical age.

I can't imagine anyone trying to show others by staying in a relationship that they were emotionally mature. Maybe some do. That wasn't what I meant though.

 

[Chess]

Sex not aside but relevant: Enough established trust to try out kinkier stuff in bed.

Continued bonding without the pain and disruption of having to split and go bond with someone new, starting over and abandoning all your hard work and memories.

Someone you work to intertwine your life with, as opposed to friends and family who may follow their own life out of state, overseas, or into the busy world of parenting without you.

I can't imagine it any other way. Sex and casual relationships, like alcohol and staying up past 10 p.m., didn't live up to the hype after I'd had a few tastes.

 

[Rferraris]

Sex not aside but relevant: Enough established trust to try out kinkier stuff in bed.

Continued bonding without the pain and disruption of having to split and go bond with someone new, starting over and abandoning all your hard work and memories.

Someone you work to intertwine your life with, as opposed to friends and family who may follow their own life out of state, overseas, or into the busy world of parenting without you.

I can't imagine it any other way. Sex and casual relationships, like alcohol and staying up past 10 p.m., didn't live up to the hype after I'd had a few tastes.

Well having a chance to go through a bunch of (not sure I want to call them relationships) but girls, like you said, for me it got old. After awhile your just in it to get laid and then it gets complicated cause they have kids or want them.

Like you said, it's nice not meeting someone new all the time. It's really cool if you're on the same page and want to do the same things. And for me every new girl just seemed to take longer to care about. Kinda like it was a lot of fun the first time, but now I'm bored and just don't want to do it anymore.

 

[barbad0s]

@rawr : @CindyLou expounded for me
@CindyLou Sorry lol I woke up very recently, had a dumb reading comprehension moment there. But I'm sure some people out there probably do stay in long term relationships just to prove to the world that they are responsible adults, or to save face, make up for emotional immaturity, or something like that. That's not what you were implying in your original post though, I somehow jumped to that idea.

 

[Azazel]

For me it isn't even a question, it is something self-explanatory. I'm not wired for anything else other than long term relationships. I'm either in or I'm out, there's nothing in between. I tried something else as well and it never worked: I knew it wasn't a person I'd spend my life with and anything less than that couldn't suffice. In general I think I'm all about long term goals, I feel comfortable about it, it even excites me. I don't need everything right now, I prefer a richer result later. If my SO have told me back then that the only way would be a short term relationship, I'd have to say "bye" despite being in love with him because it could never work for me the other way. I'm also definitely not a person who falls in love frequently(!)

I see where we've been when we just started our life together and I see where we are now. The exploration never stopped for us. If anything then I'd say it is 100 times more interesting and comfortable now because we know each other so well, we have zero shame or worries when approaching each other, we can relax with each other and say things that anyone else would find highly disturbing. We are like one person now and not two. I also mean it in a physical way.
I learnt to be selfless, I learnt to break my :cough cough: enormous ego at our first year together. I learnt to make compromises. I'm thankful for that. I'm certain he's made me into a better person. I married as a girl, I became a woman. We are different people these days, we change as the situations and circumstances change. We've been through hell of a lot together! He's the only person I trust 100%, the only! We don't argue often but when we do it's usually because we're so damn similar. The circumstances aren't always smooth, it's understandable, but relationship is a work too, I think, and I'm comfortable with it. If the issues arise we find ways to solve them instead of closing our eyes and trying not to bump into them again because the latter never works, it haunts you. We morph, we evolve and I'm happy we do it together. We fought to be together and it wasn't easy. I didn't have a single day in doubt or regret... To be honest, before meeting him I thought I'd be always single. When I met him I didn't want to let him go. I'm extremely scared to lose him one day... The truth is you never know when the time comes to take you or your SO away. It is a scary thought and something tells me that it might be me dealing with the deaths of everyone I love. But maybe it would be better that way... I want to spare him all the sorrows, if possible. I just hope I'll die quickly after him.

 

[Azazel]

But I'm sure some people out there probably do stay in long term relationships just to prove to the world that they are responsible adults, or to save face, make up for emotional immaturity, or something like that.

I don't know if it counts but I suspect it does. I knew a guy who was in a long term relationship for 7 years and has been cheating on his gf ever since. At the same time he talked about a wedding in a not so distant future. The (already ex) gf had no idea, of course. The guy was in denial, I think, and also stated how mature he was because he was 7 years in relationship, etc....... So I guess some people do it. :/

 

[Rferraris]

But I'm sure some people out there probably do stay in long term relationships just to prove to the world that they are responsible adults, or to save face, make up for emotional immaturity, or ...

Seems like a lot of work. You really think people care that much that they'd go that far to prove something I can't imagine anyone caring about. Seems pretty sad.

 

[barbad0s]

[MENTION=5219]Rferraris[/MENTION] Our world contains a lot of interesting and troubled people.