Why be in a long-term romantic relationship?
- Thread starter Soulful
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I've been with my wife 16 years(married 8) and we haven't been bored of each other yet 
Okay, somwtimes, lol. Today we went out of town together to go eat and shop, and we both found something out about each other that we didn't know before. I love the depth we can still share.
Also, our personalities are quite different, I think she's ISTJ, and I think she finds me to be quite an enigma, lol. But, the attraction is still there so we must be doing something right It definitely becomes less about sex and more about kids and family. You know you're starting to get old when you say "not tonight, I'm too tired," and you really are just too damn tired
Okay, somwtimes, lol. Today we went out of town together to go eat and shop, and we both found something out about each other that we didn't know before. I love the depth we can still share.Also, our personalities are quite different, I think she's ISTJ, and I think she finds me to be quite an enigma, lol. But, the attraction is still there so we must be doing something right
It definitely becomes less about sex and more about kids and family. You know you're starting to get old when you say "not tonight, I'm too tired," and you really are just too damn tired
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I've been with my wife 16 years(married 8) and we haven't been bored of each other yet
Also, our personalities are quite different, I think she's ISFJ, and I think she finds me to be quite an enigma, lol. But, the attraction is still there so we must be doing something right
So you become distracted by kids and responsibilities?
What if you didn't have kids?
but so much more effort seems to go into the different parts of a lifelong partnership.. and we have multiple friends (most people) vs. 1 long-term partner (most people)..
It's a sign of emotional maturity to be able to stay in a relationship past the immature infatuation stage.
I personally have not had one last longer than 8 years, but I'm only 30. We'll see.
Stagnation isn't something I've ever felt, though I realize others do feel it.
I personally have not had one last longer than 8 years, but I'm only 30. We'll see.
Stagnation isn't something I've ever felt, though I realize others do feel it.
Kids are the only reason I can see why someone would be with someone longer than 10 years. In fact, I would suggest having kids early in the relationship and not later when you're starting to hate them. LOL> I would have much rather started my family with J when things were fresh and the love was strong instead of waiting forever and then have one when the marriage wasn't as strong as it was. Stupid!
Sure.
We were both normal, emotionally healthy (at the time) and happy people. No problems with either one of us, not a lot of fighting and generally everything was fine. We got married a little young so we decided to wait to have kids instead of start of family right away. We waited I think it was 5-6 years before we started trying. There were cracks in the marriage. The pregnancy and baby made those tiny cracks into canyons.
Sometimes I wonder if some people are cut out for lifetime LTR and some aren't. I feel like I just am, and I can't be any other way. I wish I had started my family earlier though. When we didn't have any cracks. I just can't seem to leave people once I'm in. No matter how much it sucks I can not abandon someone.
I think that kids do best if they have two people in the home raising them that stays there, always and is stable; not just one. It's how they learn to trust someone other than the Mother figure, to face the world w/o fear, and not become one of those people that trust and love nothing. The parents also do better do. I do not think it's a job for just one person.
I think @CindyLou 's point connects with this very well in the sense that what you say is more than likely the case for some people, but of course definitely not for everyone. There are differences between us to be sure. I think it would be rather interesting to understand the origins of these differences and their influences. What makes one person need an open marriage or polyamory vs. another person absolute marital monogamy? (as an example)
Well we woulc probably do more things for each other and the relationship would probably be better. You have to give a lot of yourself to your kids so it will always strain a marriage. It will break some couples up and may actually bring some closer together. The devatating effects of divorce on kids is more than enough reason for us to want to work out most conflicts, it shows emotional maturity as well.
But even if we didn't have kids I would still be committed to my wife, it would probably take something awful like cheating or financial recklessness for me to say enough is enough. I'm sure she feels the same. I'm just a one girl kind of guy. I prefer committed relationships.
Familiarity isn't supposed to be exciting, it's supposed to be comforting and secure.
Those are just irrelevant details. People like to get to know one another and that doesn't work in short term only scenarios.
What are long-term romantic relationships for?
- For me, companionship, friendship, emotional intimacy, love, family
What is enticing about them after the discovery/exploration phase is over?
- The problem with this is assuming that the initial honeymoon phase is the prize. It's the long term committment which matters in this type of relationship, not the initial lovey dovey stuff which the world tends to romanticize or idealize. We're not taught to value the things about a relationship that we should so we impose unrealistic expectations and understandings of what it is which makes many fail. You need to have a long term view and prepare yourself for what it means to sustain it over a long term. It's not just about an initial feeling or spark which lasts for a short time. It's what that spark means and what both expect it to lead to which matters. Considering it something which is simply feelings based on moment to moment satisfaction is not healthy. You will be disappointed. The problem is also focusing on self fulfillment and not how the relationship affects you as a couple. If you're only thinking of you, a long term relationship will not be satisfying because as soon as you begin to feel dissatisfied or bored, then you'll think it's time to leave or find someone new. That's not what a long term relationship is about. It's about learning how to build, not just expect, a good relationship which will last.
What is so exciting about familiarity? Does familiarity not feel like stagnation?
- Depends on who you are. Why does everything have to always be "exciting" to be good and satisfying? Just like anything in life, you have great and very euphoric moments and at other times, not so great moments. We expect way too much from relationships and people in relationships. You can't expect people and relationships to always be everything you want it to be. You can't put these expectations on relationships. That's a recipe for dissatisfaction later on. Because if it's not how you expect or want it to be, you'll write it or pronounce it dead before it's even had the chance to breathe because you're not putting the effort into making it a relationship that's based on sustaining a committment for the long term, especially if it's based on feelings which can go up or down too easily. And many will disagree with this, but although people can make you happy, that's not their job. Although people can help you to enjoy life and make it wonderful, it's not their job to be a perpetual source of joy or excitement for someone. That's not someone's reason for being. If someone's make you feel excited and wonderful that's good but to make their worth or value in a relationship based on what they can give you or whether they make you feel a certain way is relationship that's based more on your personal needs, not on what you have to offer or give each other as a couple. Of course, you want to happy in your relationship and feel personally excited about the person but to make them responsible for all those feelings is unfair and unrealistic. People are people. They can only give what they can give or be who they are. If they naturally bring joy and excitement to your life, then that's great but expecting that this is what they should do or be always for you, is a recipe for unhappiness later. People change and they're not always going to be able to be everything you want. But of course it's great when both people want to make each other happy especially if they enjoy being together and are not doing it out of obligation.
- For me, companionship, friendship, emotional intimacy, love, family
What is enticing about them after the discovery/exploration phase is over?
- The problem with this is assuming that the initial honeymoon phase is the prize. It's the long term committment which matters in this type of relationship, not the initial lovey dovey stuff which the world tends to romanticize or idealize. We're not taught to value the things about a relationship that we should so we impose unrealistic expectations and understandings of what it is which makes many fail. You need to have a long term view and prepare yourself for what it means to sustain it over a long term. It's not just about an initial feeling or spark which lasts for a short time. It's what that spark means and what both expect it to lead to which matters. Considering it something which is simply feelings based on moment to moment satisfaction is not healthy. You will be disappointed. The problem is also focusing on self fulfillment and not how the relationship affects you as a couple. If you're only thinking of you, a long term relationship will not be satisfying because as soon as you begin to feel dissatisfied or bored, then you'll think it's time to leave or find someone new. That's not what a long term relationship is about. It's about learning how to build, not just expect, a good relationship which will last.
What is so exciting about familiarity? Does familiarity not feel like stagnation?
- Depends on who you are. Why does everything have to always be "exciting" to be good and satisfying? Just like anything in life, you have great and very euphoric moments and at other times, not so great moments. We expect way too much from relationships and people in relationships. You can't expect people and relationships to always be everything you want it to be. You can't put these expectations on relationships. That's a recipe for dissatisfaction later on. Because if it's not how you expect or want it to be, you'll write it or pronounce it dead before it's even had the chance to breathe because you're not putting the effort into making it a relationship that's based on sustaining a committment for the long term, especially if it's based on feelings which can go up or down too easily. And many will disagree with this, but although people can make you happy, that's not their job. Although people can help you to enjoy life and make it wonderful, it's not their job to be a perpetual source of joy or excitement for someone. That's not someone's reason for being. If someone's make you feel excited and wonderful that's good but to make their worth or value in a relationship based on what they can give you or whether they make you feel a certain way is relationship that's based more on your personal needs, not on what you have to offer or give each other as a couple. Of course, you want to happy in your relationship and feel personally excited about the person but to make them responsible for all those feelings is unfair and unrealistic. People are people. They can only give what they can give or be who they are. If they naturally bring joy and excitement to your life, then that's great but expecting that this is what they should do or be always for you, is a recipe for unhappiness later. People change and they're not always going to be able to be everything you want. But of course it's great when both people want to make each other happy especially if they enjoy being together and are not doing it out of obligation.