[INTJ] - What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way? | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

[INTJ] What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Boots, Apr 30, 2020.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 13 users.
More threads by Boots
  1. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hey Hostarius,

    Thanks for taking the time out to share that really thorough response! I really appreciate it. I can understand why you'd think that without much context and I'd rather not get into the weed of things, so I'll private message you to share a bit more details.
     
  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    94
    Messages:
    16,202
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    108,474
    Trophy Points:
    4,256
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Perfidious Albion
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Okidoki, totally understandable :)
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    ReasonEnduring, Reason and dragulagu like this.
  3. beaze

    beaze Regular Poster

    Joined:
    May 4, 2020
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    99
    Featured Threads:
    5
    Likes Received:
    290
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5 er..8,6?
    I’m a HUGE advocate of space, in moderation. Be playful! Be yourself, that’s what’s always attracted him. You hit it off because, and I’m projecting here, you understand each other differently than anyone and it’s awesome!!!!

    Go with space, but don’t freeze, or be scared. Be yourself!
     
  4. beaze

    beaze Regular Poster

    Joined:
    May 4, 2020
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    99
    Featured Threads:
    5
    Likes Received:
    290
    Trophy Points:
    802
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5 er..8,6?
    Do consider yourself lucky you were able to express yourself. I had this love for an intj and he had it for me and neither of us told each other, until he was already engaged, and his old roommate told me. I cried for like, a year.

    also, he basically made a decision based on the facts, according to him, which are in fact biased no matter what they tell themselves, by their inferior feeling, and those facts were that he could never provide for me the way I needed emotionally. That’s a pure reflection of his sense of self and UTTERLY DEVASTATING.
     
  5. La Croix Mystique

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    16
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    67
    Trophy Points:
    762
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Texas
    MBTI:
    INFJ


    Just one kiss on my lips
    Was all it took to seal the future
    Just one look from your eyes
    Was like a certain kind of torture

    Once upon a time
    There was a boy
    And there was a girl

    Just one touch from your hands
    Was all it took to make me falter

    Forbidden love
    Are we supposed to be together
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    We seal the destiny forever
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love

    Just one smile on your face
    Was all it took to change my fortune
    Just one word from your mouth
    Was all I needed to be certain

    Once upon a time
    There was a boy
    There was a girl
    Hearts that intertwine
    They lived in a different kind of world

    Forbidden love
    Are we supposed to be together
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    We seal the destiny forever
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love

    Just one kiss
    Just one touch
    Just one look

    Forbidden love
    Are we supposed to be together
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    We seal the destiny forever
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love

    Forbidden love
    Are we supposed to be together
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love
    We seal the destiny forever
    Forbidden love
    Forbidden love

    Just one kiss
    Just one touch
    Just one look
    Just one love

    My heart feels for you... I wish you peace of mind and lots of love. Don't worry everything will turn out just as it should... <3
     
    Hostarius and Reason like this.
  6. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2019
    Threads:
    75
    Messages:
    3,076
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    15,134
    Trophy Points:
    1,707
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Andromeda
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    549
  7. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    94
    Messages:
    16,202
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    108,474
    Trophy Points:
    4,256
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Perfidious Albion
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Oh boy.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Update: We are still experiencing a lot of pushing and pulling. Everytime I think we've overcome something, something else comes up that makes him upset and he goes silent again. I'm realizing that my INTJ may appear confident, hard, and cold on the outside, but man is he the most sensitive person internally.

    Anyway, in our recent conflict, he went cold. I have finally urged him to come out of his shell to talk to me about it. I'm hoping to make our conversation really productive so that we can both learn how to be better at confronting conflicts and most importantly, how to better be there for each other when problems arise. I just don't want him to always feel like his problems and negative feelings are his own only and only he can deal with them. I want to be there and be a safe space for him to open up – and half his burden.

    He's been in very turbulent relationships prior so I can only assume that's why he reacts the way he does. How do I undo this distrust/pessimism he often resorts to, guys? Any tips? How can I get him to trust that I can handle and that I'm a safe space for him to express himself?
     
    Reason and Wyote like this.
  9. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    May 8, 2020
    Threads:
    6
    Messages:
    1,270
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    9,243
    Trophy Points:
    1,082
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    England
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    This made me chuckle because my husband is the exact same!

    In my experience, to earn his trust you need to be consistent in what you say and do. I've come to learn that if he doesn't want to disclose what's bothering he won't when he feels he is being pushed, most likely give him time and space but also show you're not someone who has time for this kind of behaviour and he will come and talk to you. I understand he has been in a turbulent relationship and that's affected him but he also needs to understand and know you're not someone that will hang around forever nor will you be a push over (just don't allow it even if you do!!).

    However, there are some things my husband just won't disclose because he feels like he can fix it himself and he doesn't need anyone else's input. Purely because he doesn't want to show that he is weak so in those instances I leave him to it. I do however make it clear that I don't appreciate his cold behaviour and he will take it on board and apologise and ensure he doesn't do it again. You just have to be patient if you really want it to work just ensure you don't become a push over.

    I hope I have given some kind of satisfactory answer and if not my apologies.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. Sometimes Yeah

    Sometimes Yeah Community Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2020
    Threads:
    21
    Messages:
    449
    Featured Threads:
    12
    Likes Received:
    1,154
    Trophy Points:
    887
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Intj
    I can relate to the scenario (I'm INTJ).

    I love my solitude and independence probably more than I'm able to love any person. Nevertheless, I also feel love for people and the desire to maintain my relationship. It's an annoying contradictory position to be in, and makes commitment very unappealing.

    To me nothing seems to ruin a pleasant relationship more than when the other person's expectations about time availability rises past the threshold where I still feel independent.

    My current partner has her own sense of independence, and while we are exclusive and committed, we are not obligated, it's almost ideal.
     
  11. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    You did! Thank you, Quirky. Everything is such a delicate and fine line with an INTJ. I plan to request a sort of "terms and conditions" thing with him. For example, setting an acceptable amount of time for space, especially during times of disagreement, so that WE'RE both comfortable and not just him. I'll admit, I'm really patient with him but it's starting to wear thin.

    I have a question for you, how do you get your husband to snap out of it when he's being negative? I notice with my INTJ that he can be REALLY dark in his thinking, regardless of how true or untrue his perception of things is. I could be saying something absolutely innocent and without any malicious intent and immediately he would think the worst, then he gets consumed by it and convinces himself that I'm the bad person. The behavior to me is really severe and bizarre, but I try to be understanding because I know he's traumatized by those who've betrayed him in the past.

    It's hard. I'm trying. But, sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just not what he needs.
     
  12. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I love that! I have always tested between INTJ/INFJ so I appreciate and understand independence very well! But, I'm very astute with the human condition so it helps me understand and be a little more flexible when someone needs more "togetherness." I used to be especially bad at this when I was younger, demanding that I only see my SO once a week because any more than that I would feel suffocated. Now that I'm older and wiser, I realized that if I want to spend the rest of my life with another human being and have a family with this person, it's important to respect the other person's needs as much mine.

    Everything in life is about balance.
     
    Wyote likes this.
  13. thbxhs

    thbxhs Community Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2020
    Threads:
    9
    Messages:
    284
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,217
    Trophy Points:
    997
    Gender:
    Female
    I read through this- I’m not an INTJ- I am an INTP- For some reason my life has like 30 INTJs in it. They are everywhere. There is enough similarity there to make a suggestion I think-

    I get in modes- moods I guess, but last longer where I am emo shut down. It’s not always bad. Sometimes I am all kinda of available for dense feelings conversations and SOMETIMES- for stretches of days and weeks- I. AM. NOT.
    It doesn’t always mean I’m hurt or sad or reflective. Sometimes I will feel I have let my life get too fluffy and indulgent and will go into “get shit done mode“. A lot of times the internal landscape has nothing to do with other people in my life- just too many sloppy loose ends. The people who stress me out the most are those that pressure me to get in a head space I can’t be in at the moment.

    I don’t know enough about this situation to say one way or another but it sounds like no matter what you two feel for each other, this is messy. As in what Reason and Hos said. If y’all’s stuff is complex and super messy- that may be draining him. Long soulful conversations about it may not get you what you want here.

    How about trying to be his buddy right now? Instead of work. It out feeling conversations which are seen as work by we T types is not what he can deal with right now. Try just being easy and funny. Try to not be THE NEXT BIG THING WAITING FOR HIM TO DEAL WITH. I don’t mean always-your feelings and needs matter too of course. I’m just commenting on a possible head space he might be in.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Wyote and Hostarius like this.
  14. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    94
    Messages:
    16,202
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    108,474
    Trophy Points:
    4,256
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Perfidious Albion
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    I don't recognise any of this, really, but I'm not this subtype of INTJ. My first love language is physical touch and I like intimacy. I'm also pretty open.

    This guy sounds avoidant more than anything, which is a separate issue from his MBTI type.

    I'm very comfortable with solitude and do get drained by a lot of social contact, but I'm always up for snuggles.

    And smash.


    P.S. I forgot all the context of this thread.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #54 Hostarius, Aug 29, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2020
  15. thbxhs

    thbxhs Community Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2020
    Threads:
    9
    Messages:
    284
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,217
    Trophy Points:
    997
    Gender:
    Female
    Haha- fair enough.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Hostarius likes this.
  16. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi Dopamine,

    I think you have a very valid point. Funnily enough, before I saw your message I had a pretty deep conversation with the INTJ and I told him that I don't want to be a threat to him, I'm not the enemy, – that's how I feel like he's been treating me – I'm trying to be a friend and exist with him in harmony. But, it's getting difficult to do so because I get shunned and kept in the dark at a moment's notice with no explanation. Additionally, I also told him that he needed to take accountability for his own actions and feelings and how that affects me (and others). The way he goes about handling any kind of infraction and strain, even when it's insignificant and unintentional, is to resort to paranoia, blame, and silent punishment for weeks. It's not fair to the recipient and the [unintended] crime doesn't fit the punishment at all. Lastly, I advised him that if he feels anything very strongly, no matter how negative it is, even if the things he thinks and feels are irrational, too emotional, and/or embarrassing, that I am here to listen to him with no judgment. I'd like to try to talk and sort through the mess more efficiently because the weeks-long silences are unproductive and contemptuous.

    Anyway, we ended the conversation with him at least acknowledging his faults and apologizing. In the last week, he's been messaging me pretty heavily and seems to be more expressive about the things he's been feeling and what's been bothering him. I've just been a good listener, trying to help him in whatever ways that I can by sharing thoughtful responses and helpful tips.

    I hope he's recognizing (slowly lol) that my intentions towards him are pure. I don't even care if we don't end up romantically together, I just want to be there as a friend regardless because I know he could use someone like me in his life.
     
    thbxhs and Hostarius like this.
  17. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi Hostarius!

    He is VERY MUCH avoidant. He has a tendency to push the people he loves away. I brought it up to him and he acknowledges that he does that. I have a theory that because he's experienced some really significant events in his life in which his closest friend and lover betrayed/abandoned him, now he's consumed by that distrust and projects it onto every person he gets close to.

    I'm trying so hard to be understanding and a beacon of light in his life, but he doesn't make it easy in the least! God willing, he will help this INTJ learn to trust and love again.
     
    Hostarius likes this.
  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    94
    Messages:
    16,202
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    108,474
    Trophy Points:
    4,256
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Perfidious Albion
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Hi Boots,

    Yes, this sounds likely.

    Perhaps you ought to take it as a strange kind of compliment - only someone who can connect with him deeply is actually capable of hurting him.

    The connection is proportional to the capacity to inflict damage, and so ironically he's likely to push away those he cares about most, I imagine.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  19. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I think you're right. He admitted to me that in the almost decade he's known me, he always found reasons to avoid me. He doesn't know why he does it and he said that of all people, he hates that he does it to me. He thanked me and told me he appreciated that I haven't given up on him.

    So in a twisted way you are absolutely correct. He wouldn't need to shut me out if he didn't let me in in the first place.
     
    Hostarius likes this.
  20. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi all!

    I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy 2021!

    I thought I'd come back to this thread to give everyone a quick update on my current situation with said INTJ.

    In my last interaction with INTJ last September, I had unintentionally hurt his feelings with a crude joke. It really took me by surprise because he can be incredibly inappropriate with his jokes as well. It was honestly such an innocent misunderstanding and I apologized for offending him. You would think that would be enough and life would go on as usual. But NOPE.

    After three months of silence from him, he reached out to me in December to say hi and see how I've been, to which I didn't respond. I made a decision after the last incident that whatever it is he is battling within his life and mind, I simply do not have the capacity nor resources to handle it. I've come to realize that I can't keep jumping into the trenches that he keeps digging for himself thinking that I can somehow help him. He is his own worst enemy and this is his battle to fight, not mine.

    So that's where we're at.
     
    #60 Boots, Jan 4, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2021
    Reason and Asa like this.
Loading...

Share This Page