[INTJ] - What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way? | INFJ Forum

[INTJ] What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Boots, Apr 30, 2020.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 12 users.
More threads by Boots
  1. Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi!



    I'm an INFJ and he's an INTJ. We've had such an insanely long history of liking each other (think 10 years), but due to circumstances, we never got a chance to be together. During this period of time, we'd reconnect then disconnect, reconnect and then disconnect... This goes on for about 10 years. Recently, we reconnected, but again, the timing is really bad, yet, we gave it a try anyway. Things were really hot and heavy very fast, saying "I love you" very early on and everything in between–I think we were both rushing and compensating for the times we lost over the years.

    Anyway, we did struggle to find footing because of the less-than-ideal timing I mentioned and it led him to basically saying he doesn't feel good about our current "situation" and that he'd like to slow things down and take a step back. He wants to properly date me and get to know me, but not like this. Most importantly, he added that he still wanted an opportunity for us to be together. Now, I'm not a fussy lover, if you tell me you need something, I take it quite literally. So I asked him if by "slowing things down," he'd like to give each other space and time apart, and then we can reconnect later? He said yes and I left it at that–no more questions asked.

    This all happened two weeks ago. Other than reaching out to him to wish him a happy birthday a week after we had this conversation–and we told each other we missed one another–I've basically had no contact with him at all.

    What is your experience with/as INTJs when they/you feel and say something like this?

    What are you guys thinking?

    And am I doing the right thing here?

    Thanks all.
     
    dragulagu, David54, Asa and 4 others like this.
  2. ReasonEnduring

    ReasonEnduring Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2020
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    1,013
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    5,306
    Trophy Points:
    1,092
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Meh
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Not an INTJ, but just my thoughts on the situation.

    He says he wants to date you, but he isn't arranging any dates and he wants some time apart? That seems a little odd. Did he give any reasoning?

    If its a long distance thing I can say as someone who has been in a long distance relationship that communication is crucial.

    Communication has always been something I consider very important to a successful relationship and whilst I don't know enough details that does seem to be lacking here.

    I used to talk to my now wife pretty much every day, if only for an hour or so. Chat about our day, whats going on, maybe watch some movies or youtube videos together on line.

    There is plenty you can do as a pair which slows things down but also keeps communication going.

    If he is busy with work or life, surely he can spare an hour or so each day, maybe over dinner because everyone has to eat, or a few hours at the weekend.

    Regardless, if the relationship is to work, communication is vital and making sure you both have your priorities straight is also important.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    dragulagu, Asa, Wyote and 2 others like this.
  3. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition #nofilter
    Banned

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2013
    Threads:
    123
    Messages:
    7,854
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    27,586
    Trophy Points:
    2,491
    Location:
    Your brain.
    MBTI:
    INFeJ
    Enneagram:
    None
    As someone who went through a whirlwind type romance with an INTJ who abruptly cut me off, I think you have to take what he said at face value and move forward. It seems he thinks that a relationship right now is just not going to work so he's cutting the whole thing off altogether until it can. That would be my impression. If he wants to talk or rekindle things he'll come to you but I wouldn't wait around.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  4. sassafras

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    172
    Messages:
    14,343
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    43,613
    Trophy Points:
    2,376
    MBTI:
    .
    I guess it all depends on what the 'ideal timing' really is. There's lots of different barriers to relationships and if you accept this as a valid one, then you should give him space. It sounds more like he doesn't want to catch feelings right now because he's got something else going on and wants to focus on that.

    In the meantime, don't put your life on hold for him. He's not putting his on hold for you. Do what you'd do if he was completely out of the picture.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  5. ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc

    ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc Well-known member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Threads:
    33
    Messages:
    18,632
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    63,944
    Trophy Points:
    3,257
    MBTI:
    .
    I have nothing to contribute


     
    thbxhs, 5ufvdee369jcdd, Asa and 6 others like this.
  6. Reason

    Reason Percolated

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Threads:
    60
    Messages:
    6,961
    Featured Threads:
    41
    Likes Received:
    45,062
    Trophy Points:
    4,042
    Location:
    The Roaring 20s
    MBTI:
    INTP
    When you talk about "timing" it makes me wonder- are you just getting out of a relationship or about to move to Siberia to live in a wig wam? What does that mean specifically?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Asa, Steven2555, Wyote and 3 others like this.
  7. Misadventure

    Misadventure butt fros and asian purrs

    Joined:
    May 16, 2015
    Threads:
    28
    Messages:
    2,787
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    9,909
    Trophy Points:
    1,191
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    PacNorWesty
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    4
    As someone that's been married to an INTJ for freakin ever, I can safely say that he added you to his list of potential long-term mates when/if his ducks are all in a row to pursue a serious relationship. They usually don't beat around the bush with this sort of thing and while they can and sometimes will wait for a time in their life that's perfect for them... it kinda leaves you up in the air. There is no perfect timing for either of you. I say move on and find a way to improve your life for you. You should't have to wait on his indecision.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. noisebloom

    noisebloom theory conspirer
    Site Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2018
    Threads:
    61
    Messages:
    2,805
    Featured Threads:
    34
    Likes Received:
    22,928
    Trophy Points:
    1,942
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INTP
    This is pretty much consistent with my experience with INTJs and makes sense given the type...They generally have a knack for figuring what is the best for them given all the data, and with relationships/emotional matters their feelings serve as justification.
     
    Fluffball, dragulagu, Asa and 6 others like this.
  9. Misadventure

    Misadventure butt fros and asian purrs

    Joined:
    May 16, 2015
    Threads:
    28
    Messages:
    2,787
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    9,909
    Trophy Points:
    1,191
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    PacNorWesty
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    4
    in typical intp fashion, thank you for getting right to the heart of the point I was trying to make . :p
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    384
    Messages:
    12,862
    Featured Threads:
    66
    Likes Received:
    29,458
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None
    What do you wanna do
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. Steven2555

    Steven2555 Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    14
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    747
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Intj
    Enneagram:
    Five
    Here is my perspective as an INTJ.

    We don’t like wasting our time with insignificant people. We only have a few contacts and the few that are are very dear to us. Since you two have been at it a decade it’s pretty clear he is serious about you.

    But in typical INTJ fashion we tend to over analyze things, which makes us take a longgggggggggg time to make big decisions. As an INTJ, marriage is the most difficult decision for us to make. It’s no surprise he is a bit overwhelmed from the sudden close contact when he is used to being logical and independent all the time.

    But since he said he loves you that might mean he is really really serious. I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone in my life. Not even my own mother.

    Most likely he is just uncomfortable with suddenly having a very close relationship and is over analyzing things. If I were him I would want at least a couple weeks to think hard about committing to you permanently before making a decision.

    So my suggestion is that if you really love him then slowly ease on the affection till you two get comfortable and work things out. If he still doesn’t decide then confront him and push him to make a final decision or else he will get stuck in over analysis for eternity
     
  12. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi Reason,

    Good intuition. I was just getting out of a dying long-term relationship--in typical INFJ fashion, letting things go for far too long until I've reached my "limit."
     
    Reason, dragulagu, Daustus and 3 others like this.
  13. ReasonEnduring

    ReasonEnduring Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2020
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    1,013
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    5,306
    Trophy Points:
    1,092
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Meh
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    As we all do.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Panfan, Reason and Asa like this.
  14. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Thank you for that thoughtful response, Steven. Realistically, I think this space thing will do us a lot of good (or bad, I don't know?), but I can't see us doing "proper dating" (like he said) during this covid19 ordeal (and while my old flame is still lingering due to circumstances out of my control right now). As an INTJ yourself, what would go through your mind if I just don't reach out to you at all for a while? When you're the one who made the initial suggestion for space, would you think my lack of outreach as a negative thing?
     
    Reason and dragulagu like this.
  15. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Good question. I've been taking advantage of this space to take care of myself and that has been incredibly nice–even though I miss him a lot a times.
     
  16. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    We've been at
    Thank you, noisebloom and misadventure. I appreciate that feedback. Whenever we've reached this juncture in the past ten years, we do what we do best, he focuses on himself, and I will focus on myself.
     
    Wyote, Reason and dragulagu like this.
  17. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    When our walls are not up, our communication is so beautiful, when they are, it crumbles like a house of cards. Something we could both work on definitely.
     
    Wyote, Reason, dragulagu and 2 others like this.
  18. David54

    David54 David
    Donor

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Threads:
    34
    Messages:
    6,940
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    30,123
    Trophy Points:
    2,491
    Location:
    Hometown
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    type 4w5
    this seems a bit off to me. If he wants to be with you, then here's his chance. I can't help but think there is some other agenda or thing going on that you are not aware of. I mean, if he loves you, why isn't he with you. . I love you and I need time away after ten years off and on don't add up well to me. .
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Wyote, Reason and ReasonEnduring like this.
  19. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    143
    Messages:
    15,944
    Featured Threads:
    11
    Likes Received:
    37,933
    Trophy Points:
    1,887
    Location:
    fantasy world
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    I wondered when reading this if one or both of you were already in other relationships or had just ended another relationship. INTJs seem to know exactly what they want and go for it. They've got it all mapped out. Either there are complications involved that would create distraction from other endeavors or goals that he's focusing on (prioritizing) right now or he's not that serious or someone else is in the way. That's just my read. I can't imagine an INTJ telling anyone they love them if they don't mean it. Or being wishy washy with their feelings. They seem like once they develop feelings it's very difficult to let go and they are all in. Usually they are quite pushy when they have an idea of what or who they want--maybe unless someone else is in the way romantically. Hard to say but good luck. I would just say that giving space is good. But telling him how you feel and where you stand; what you want and expect may clear things up. If there is someone else standing in the way then nothing will change until one of you takes steps to remove that obstacle.
     
    #19 acd, May 1, 2020
    Last edited: May 1, 2020
  20. OP
    Boots

    Boots Newbie

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    23
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    77
    Trophy Points:
    772
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Thank you for that. I think space is the best thing for now because as you pointed out, there are just too many obstacles in the way. We were both aware of these roadblocks but took the plunge because we were too eager to be together, and now we're realizing that we should've been patient.

    The hardest part is that we both get stuck in the habit of "waiting" for the right time (hence, the ten years of back and forth) and end up creating more obstacles for ourselves, and then there's more waiting as a result.
     
    Reason, acd and dragulagu like this.
Loading...

Share This Page