[INTJ] What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way?

Not an INTJ, but just my thoughts on the situation.

He says he wants to date you, but he isn't arranging any dates and he wants some time apart? That seems a little odd. Did he give any reasoning?

If its a long distance thing I can say as someone who has been in a long distance relationship that communication is crucial.

Communication has always been something I consider very important to a successful relationship and whilst I don't know enough details that does seem to be lacking here.

I used to talk to my now wife pretty much every day, if only for an hour or so. Chat about our day, whats going on, maybe watch some movies or youtube videos together on line.

There is plenty you can do as a pair which slows things down but also keeps communication going.

If he is busy with work or life, surely he can spare an hour or so each day, maybe over dinner because everyone has to eat, or a few hours at the weekend.

Regardless, if the relationship is to work, communication is vital and making sure you both have your priorities straight is also important.

 

As someone who went through a whirlwind type romance with an INTJ who abruptly cut me off, I think you have to take what he said at face value and move forward. It seems he thinks that a relationship right now is just not going to work so he's cutting the whole thing off altogether until it can. That would be my impression. If he wants to talk or rekindle things he'll come to you but I wouldn't wait around.

 

I guess it all depends on what the 'ideal timing' really is. There's lots of different barriers to relationships and if you accept this as a valid one, then you should give him space. It sounds more like he doesn't want to catch feelings right now because he's got something else going on and wants to focus on that.

In the meantime, don't put your life on hold for him. He's not putting his on hold for you. Do what you'd do if he was completely out of the picture.

 

I have nothing to contribute

 

When you talk about "timing" it makes me wonder- are you just getting out of a relationship or about to move to Siberia to live in a wig wam? What does that mean specifically?

 

As someone that's been married to an INTJ for freakin ever, I can safely say that he added you to his list of potential long-term mates when/if his ducks are all in a row to pursue a serious relationship. They usually don't beat around the bush with this sort of thing and while they can and sometimes will wait for a time in their life that's perfect for them... it kinda leaves you up in the air. There is no perfect timing for either of you. I say move on and find a way to improve your life for you. You should't have to wait on his indecision.

 

This is pretty much consistent with my experience with INTJs and makes sense given the type...They generally have a knack for figuring what is the best for them given all the data, and with relationships/emotional matters their feelings serve as justification.

 

in typical intp fashion, thank you for getting right to the heart of the point I was trying to make .

 

What do you wanna do

 

Here is my perspective as an INTJ.

We don’t like wasting our time with insignificant people. We only have a few contacts and the few that are are very dear to us. Since you two have been at it a decade it’s pretty clear he is serious about you.

But in typical INTJ fashion we tend to over analyze things, which makes us take a longgggggggggg time to make big decisions. As an INTJ, marriage is the most difficult decision for us to make. It’s no surprise he is a bit overwhelmed from the sudden close contact when he is used to being logical and independent all the time.

But since he said he loves you that might mean he is really really serious. I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone in my life. Not even my own mother.

Most likely he is just uncomfortable with suddenly having a very close relationship and is over analyzing things. If I were him I would want at least a couple weeks to think hard about committing to you permanently before making a decision.

So my suggestion is that if you really love him then slowly ease on the affection till you two get comfortable and work things out. If he still doesn’t decide then confront him and push him to make a final decision or else he will get stuck in over analysis for eternity

 

As we all do.

 

this seems a bit off to me. If he wants to be with you, then here's his chance. I can't help but think there is some other agenda or thing going on that you are not aware of. I mean, if he loves you, why isn't he with you. . I love you and I need time away after ten years off and on don't add up well to me. .

 

I wondered when reading this if one or both of you were already in other relationships or had just ended another relationship. INTJs seem to know exactly what they want and go for it. They've got it all mapped out. Either there are complications involved that would create distraction from other endeavors or goals that he's focusing on (prioritizing) right now or he's not that serious or someone else is in the way. That's just my read. I can't imagine an INTJ telling anyone they love them if they don't mean it. Or being wishy washy with their feelings. They seem like once they develop feelings it's very difficult to let go and they are all in. Usually they are quite pushy when they have an idea of what or who they want--maybe unless someone else is in the way romantically. Hard to say but good luck. I would just say that giving space is good. But telling him how you feel and where you stand; what you want and expect may clear things up. If there is someone else standing in the way then nothing will change until one of you takes steps to remove that obstacle.