[INTJ] - What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

[INTJ] What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Boots, Apr 30, 2020.

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  1. OP
    Boots

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    He didn't say he wanted time away per se, only that he wanted to "slow things down." I was the one who suggested we give each other space, to which he then agreed to. In any case, I've been down this road with him many times, I'll give him room until he snaps out of it. As hard as it was to hear him tell me that, I'm genuinely appreciating that space as well for my own sanity and priorities right now.

    As for the near future, who knows? We could be waiting for another ten years, God forbid. :)
     
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  2. ReasonEnduring

    ReasonEnduring Permanent Fixture

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    Well whatever makes you happy. If you're happy to wait and have space then its all good.

    I would recommend you don't tie your happiness to one person though. Make sure you have a full, fullfilling life without this guy, and if things come together good.

    But if you get lonely or tired of waiting don't keep hanging on a maybe. It's not worth it.

    Life is to be lived, its not worth being someone's back up plan or maybe.

    If he cares and understands you, he'll make the effort of bringing it together. If he doesn't, get you a man (or woman) that does.

    As someone who cross the ocean to get married I can say if a man really wants someone, very little will get in his way.
     
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  3. OP
    Boots

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    Definitely. I wouldn't call this waiting as much as I'm healing, working on myself, and aligning my stars. I have faith that everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad, my chin will be held high and I'll end up happy no matter what. :)

    Are you married to an INTJ, btw?
     
  4. ReasonEnduring

    ReasonEnduring Permanent Fixture

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    Indeed, that is a good approach.

    No, she's an ISFP, so quite different which presents its own challenges. However, I don't regret moving countries to be with her.
     
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  5. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    He's just redirecting pace. So I'd say to just reconnect gradually and contact him more if you wan't. If he doesn't like that, he will say so.
    Direct communication works best. Mixed signalling doesn't work well on INTJ's unless they know it is part of you as a person so they can predict on that.

    INTJ's in general are incredibly independent. To a flaw. And over-analysers, but so are INFJ's :p
     
  6. OP
    Boots

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    All relationships are challenging, no matter how well you get along. I wish you two all the best and love in the world. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. :)
     
  7. OP
    Boots

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    Haha I am an obsessive-compulsive over-analyzer. I thought I was bad until I met him. I'm not comfortable, yet, reaching out to him. I'd like to sort through some things on my end, give my head and heart some clarity before anything else happens. I'm mostly curious about where his head/heart is during a time like this and whether my absence is affecting him negatively or positively? I pray he knows when I told him I loved him, I meant it, even when I'm away and not talking to him.
     
  8. bcrwz

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    He just pumped and dumped you like the stock market.
     
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  9. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    They've known each-other long enough...

    [​IMG]

    Give that INTJ badge back.
     
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  10. bcrwz

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    In life you either do or do not, there are no maybes.
     
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  11. OP
    Boots

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    Don't mind him. I'm not bothered by his crude comment. :)
     
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  12. ReasonEnduring

    ReasonEnduring Permanent Fixture

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    Quantum Physics disagrees.
     
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  13. bcrwz

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    I really want to troll you but i'll be chill. This is my opinion I've said my piece, upset people again no doubt. No point in an argument, take it for what it is it's up to you what you do with it.
     
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    #33 bcrwz, May 1, 2020
    Last edited: May 1, 2020
  14. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I mean you got a point when you say "Do or do not there are no maybes." After10 years if it's going to happen you make it happen. It seems like these two are enjoying the cusp. But why? Life is short. Make it work or move on.
     
    #34 acd, May 1, 2020
    Last edited: May 2, 2020
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  15. bcrwz

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    That was my thought. It seems like added suffering without logical aim.
     
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  16. Reason

    Reason Damnation Dignified

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    Hi @Boots if I'm understanding you right you keep being in relationships and so can't manage to be single at the same time as INTJ? If that's the case then why not stay single for a while, wrap up whatever you've got going with your ex and let him know that you're serious about giving him a chance and that you're wrapping up your previous relationship still.

    If what I'm saying doesn't apply because there's something I don't get about this let me know
     
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  17. Steven2555

    Steven2555 Newbie

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    In a relationship, communication is everything. Even if both people are extremely introverted and shy.

    If someone I loved suddenly stopped talking to me for a long time without explaining why then I would get really upset. I would worry I did something wrong to upset you or you are beginning to dislike me. If either of you do something you need to communicate and agree on it.

    Also, don’t neglect your own feelings either. You shouldn’t be the only one making compromises. Respect your own desires too. A healthy relationship should always be 50/50. Else it becomes unfair and resentment begins to grow.

    When I said create some distance and slowly get more intimate, I meant do it in a systematic matter. First, that means both of you have to agree that you two are going to only talk to each other X days of the week or month.

    Then both of you decide when and how much you two will increase intimacy. We INTJs are systematic like that.

    Whatever you do, always remember you two are a team and need to work together all the time. Just like at work, communicate and come to an agreement on everything. I even suggest, if you two start living together, have regular meetings to set rule and expectations.

    Never, ever just do things out of the blue. A good team always keeps each other in touch.
     
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  18. OP
    Boots

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    Hi Reason,

    I was single for some time when I met him. At that point, he was just getting into a relationship. Then a few years later, I got into a very long term relationship (my current ex). Some time after I got into my relationship, he was just getting out of the one I mentioned above. Both of our relationships combined lasted really long when they really shouldn't have. We knew we had deep feelings for each other but never really communicated it. Things just lingered all these years. We'd check in on each other for 1-2 months consistently then go completely silent for months–at some points, it lasted years–because we'd develop such strong feelings for each other, we'd get afraid of betraying our significant others so we'd cut communication off. So, this was how we kept missing each other.

    The headaches... Right?
     
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  19. Reason

    Reason Damnation Dignified

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    Stay single lady, wait.

    Or alternatively, give up on him but I don't think it's right to get into yet another relationship with INTJ still in orbit around you. Otherwise I agree with others here telling you to be direct and communicate with your (potential) partner.

    That's my advice anyways, I hope it helps :)
     
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  20. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

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    Oh well there you go... it's a bloody ARIES, isn't it?


    I've been following this thread for a while, intrigued by the subtext that you're communicating between the lines. You're asking about 'INTJs', but it's that subtextual context which determines what our responses are going to be.

    As I think @acd and @Reason picked up on, there's some fishy fuckery going on here that you haven't been particularly forthcoming about, and I suspect that it's this that is determining his behaviour.

    In particular, it's this:
    Are these 'obstacles' you're speaking of actually real, living, breathing human beings with emotional attachments to the both of you? Is he still in a relationship with another person?

    You've done a lot of cognitive distancing in the language that you use to refer to these 'obstacles', including making sure you refer to them as going on longer than they 'should have', thereby placing a premature 'end' to relationships which, for all practical purposes, are/were still ongoing.

    This serves to abrogate yourself of any responsibility or guilt of overlapping relationships - at the very least I think you're aware that you engaged in some emotional infidelity towards the tail end of your relationship, and who knows about the guy.

    So you're building a picture here of the two of you constructing a narrative which functions to smother whatever subconscious guilt you might be feeling. The other partners are dehumanised as 'obstacles', and the relationships they invested in as having gone on 'longer than they should have'.

    Of course, the problem here is that it's ersatz or artificial closure - you're performing a language spell on your long-term partners to attempt to banish them into the past, whereas what you really ought to be doing is taking some time to disconnect properly from the relationships.

    It's not difficult to understand why your INTJ is feeling weird about things if this is the context, and so I'd have to agree with Reason.


    Now, I happen to be an INTJ myself apparently, so to answer your questions:
    I've never put anyone in a position of emotional ambiguity like that, and I'm pretty clear with my intentions and position. INTJs, with that tertiary Fi, tend to be black-and-white like that, and so I'd agree with @acd's experience. If your chap is INTJ, then the ambiguous position he's put you in indicates that he's in some serious turmoil.

    This week, I've been thinking a lot about Dune, and the week before it was fighter jets. Just tons and tons of fighter jets.

    If my assessment isn't totally off, you're the source of his turmoil. You're the kernel of his guilt. He's robbed a bank and you're the dirty bag of cash under his bed; the symbolic embodiment of said guilt. He needs to get as far away from your influence as possible in order to figure out what the 'right thing to do' is. I don't think your absence is really anything to do with either of you as much as it's a necessary condition of navigating the situation.

    If he's said he loves you, then he does. If he's said he wants to be with you, then he does. INTJs are pretty solid on what they want.

    Maintain the distance, but reach out to push him on his commitment.
     
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