Wanting to "doorslam" her....

[Teddy Ted]

First off I have to apologise for my inactivity(mostly been reduced to surfing a few pages now and then)!!

At the point where I am rather tempted to do the most extreme of moves an INFJ can carry out, a "doorslam".

Some of you have comes across my story from a year back. Had a girl, we flirted around (she had a boyfriend then), she broke up with him.
Fine, so I thought we should make things serious, asked her out *was told no, one of those "tests" I presume*. Comes along a few weeks later, starts flirting around with me and we had a few late night chats lasting hours. We weren't friends as per say.

Asked her out, was told no again and that she had no feelings for me. I got angry (which is where I went all wrong), all the flirting was on her initiation and demanded an explanation. Had an argument over christmas. Went back to school and a few weeks went by (I did terrible during the exams as I was depressed over this). Decided we had to have a chat (had one after school in which it broke down into an argument, got told by the teachers (we were caught) that it was best not to contact each other on facebook. Was forced to block her on facebook.

A few months went by, I really did not feel too good that things were in limbo, contacted her via school email to be at the very least be on talking terms to each other. No replies and was subsequently reported to a member of staff for inappropriate emails (asking someone to be friends again is not something I would define as inappropriate).

She's graduating in a few months. She still has me blocked on fb and tries to ignore me at school (though this has diminished). One wonders why she keeps looking at me for long periods of time from time to time. Talked to her friends, utterly same reasoning as what my schoolmate told me during our argument (I never liked you). This left me utterly confused and quite possibly depressed (I may be right now).

Was I "played" as some of you would call it?. Is it normal for a girl to actively flirt on their own accord with someone they actually not like?. Maybe I was too hard and serious in approaching her and she got alittle scared/put-off. And now she keeps on talking about one of my friends (rather close) and about how good he is right within my earshot. I need a neutral perspective on this! Maybe it is one of those life lessons I have to learn. I still have feelings for her but I feel so bitter she is treating me in such a manner. I don't really know she gets how hurt I felt. What hurts more is that she could have been a great friend (we share quite a number of common interests).

p.s. I definitely need a new username.....

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

Lots of things can play into this. First off, you could have misinterpreted, what you think is flirting may not have been her idea of flirting. One thing I've noticed as an INFJ is that we interpret things a LOT differently than most people which can lead to the most frustrating communication problems.

If it was without a doubt flirting, I know that some girls just enjoy the attention and flattery that active flirting can bring. Perhaps she was just looking for an ego boost and when you wanted to move things to the new level she got scared off.

Also sometimes I have flirted with a guy and then later found that we have no chemistry (for those unknown and crazy reasons due to biology) so maybe she started off with an intention to get to know and maybe date you, but then as it went along found she had no attraction to you and had to back out of it.

Those are just a few thoughts, it's hard to figure without more details.

Whatever the reason she's made her lack of interest clear so the best thing you can do is try to move on. Difficult, I know, but don't let yourself be fooled into thinking she is secretly into you because that path leads to insanity (I've been down that path, it's dark and scary). Besides, even assuming she was secretly into you, and you guys go out later that would likely make for a very baggage filled, confusing, and not fun relationshoip from what I've read here.

 

[sassafras]

Yeah, I think you should put this whole thing to rest.

I don't know the context of the conversations you've had, so I can't tell you whether or not she was indeed flirting with you or just being friendly. If you are certain it was flirting, than it could be that she simply enjoyed your attention and how attractive that made her feel. When you got too close, however, she pushed away. You don't need a person that selfish in your life anyway.

However, I'd like to caution that sometimes when we're talking to people we like, we can often misinterpret the signals. I've personally been in a situation where I could no longer be friends with someone because every time I was even remotely nice or friendly towards him, he mistook that for my interest and tried to get too close for my comfort. He kept thinking I was just playing hard to get with him when I honestly was not interested in him romantically in the slightest.

Indeed, her rather abrasive behavior towards you recently certainly seems to indicate that she wanted to drive the message home to you that she wasn't interested. After asking her out three times, and her turning you down each time, maybe she got tired of feeling like she was stringing you along when she genuinely just wanted to be friends.

Whichever way you choose to paint the situation, though, it does sound to me like you were coming on a bit strong.

Regardless, it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to patch things up with her soon. She has made it abundantly clear that she wants to stay away from you and as much as it hurts, you're going to have to resolve those feelings you have for her own your own. My sympathies.

 

[Teddy Ted]

You've made a few points to take note off, thanks!! She very well could be a flirt, I'll ask her friends m133:, should have noticed). But I can't help stop falling for people like her,"extrovert female nerd who's beautiful" (who also tend to be flirts unfortunately...). I might be going down that path... Maybe its time I went to seek out professional help.... I just hate the fact that we can't even talk normally to each other now (would you as a female shut off a guy like me in such a situation?). I might end up at the same university at the same course as her.... (this is worrying...)

 

[sassafras]

You've made a few points to take note off, thanks!! She very well could be a flirt, I'll ask her friends m133:, should have noticed). But I can't help stop falling for people like her,"extrovert female nerd who's beautiful" (who also tend to be flirts unfortunately...). I might be going down that path... Maybe its time I went to seek out professional help.... I just hate the fact that we can't even talk normally to each other now (would you as a female shut off a guy like me in such a situation?). I might end up at the same university at the same course as her.... (this is worrying...)

If I had told him, point-blank, that I was not interested and he continued to misconstrue my feelings of friendship for feelings of passion regardless of how many times we had that same conversation, then yes, I have and I would. It would be healthier for the both of us.

And I wouldn't worry too much about ending up in the same university or even the same class as this girl. Universities are a big place and class sizes are huge and everyone's class schedules are different and you're extremely, extremely busy all the time. It's very easy to go months without bumping into someone if you don't make the effort to meet up with them. You'll make some new friends and this whole thing will be a thing of the past. Trust me on this.

 

[Teddy Ted]

Well flirting wise: getting close to me (when we don't have to) and literally having skin contact everyday. What she said made me think I was hallucinating or delusional at times. I guess I'll never know. Maybe that's normal for someone who may be a borderline flirt?

Did not help that she always had a few guys chasing after her.... I guess she got bored, but to deny everything... I find that highly objectionable. She's been posting on twitter on how she should have some "fun" since she's almost graduating... hence probably the reason why she MAY be going after my friend.....

 

[sassafras]

Some people are just touchy-feel-y. If she's like that with all of her friends, regardless of their gender, it's not that significant. And some people have naturally flirtatious personalities when they're comfortable with someone. (Heck, I flirt with my girlfriends and I have absolutely no romantic interest in them whatsoever). This is true of many extroverts. It would be beneficial to note how her behavior around you differs from or compares to her behavior around her other opposite sex friends.

Still, I think it would be even better if just let this go. Remove her from FB and Twitter or any other source where you can check up on her, and let her pass out of your mind. The less you think of her the better. It'll be tough at first. Let yourself be sad, cry if you have to, but know that each passing day will get better.

Good luck.

 

[Teddy Ted]

Thanks for the replies InnerFlame00 and TheDaringHatTrick !!
I really do appreciate it!. I may have approached too strong or even interpreted things a little too much.
I might never know the real reason but hopefully it gets better a few months down the road.

 

[Teddy Ted]

Some people are just touchy-feel-y. If she's like that with all of her friends, regardless of their gender, it's not that significant. And some people have naturally flirtatious personalities when they're comfortable with someone. (Heck, I flirt with my girlfriends and I have absolutely no romantic interest in them whatsoever). This is true of many extroverts. It would be beneficial to note how her behavior around you differs from or compares to her behavior around her other opposite sex friends.

Still, I think it would be even better if just let this go. Remove her from FB and Twitter or any other source where you can check up on her, and let her pass out of your mind. The less you think of her the better. It'll be tough at first. Let yourself be sad, cry if you have to, but know that each passing day will get better.

Good luck.

Still hurts after six months (I guess these things take time). She dosen't do that to her male friends (only her close ones maybe), which I am not (its only been two years since I met her) so I thought there was more to it!!

 

[JGirl]

yes you should let it go. chances are she played you, but regardless, it's not going to ever be what you want so just move on.
and uh yeah a new user name would be good.

 

[Vict]

I took the title literally and thought slamming people into doors might be a thing.

Seemed a bit much.

 

[Billy]

First off I have to apologise for my inactivity(mostly been reduced to surfing a few pages now and then)!!

At the point where I am rather tempted to do the most extreme of moves an INFJ can carry out, a "doorslam".

Some of you have comes across my story from a year back. Had a girl, we flirted around (she had a boyfriend then), she broke up with him.
Fine, so I thought we should make things serious, asked her out *was told no, one of those "tests" I presume*. Comes along a few weeks later, starts flirting around with me and we had a few late night chats lasting hours. We weren't friends as per say.

Asked her out, was told no again and that she had no feelings for me. I got angry (which is where I went all wrong), all the flirting was on her initiation and demanded an explanation. Had an argument over christmas. Went back to school and a few weeks went by (I did terrible during the exams as I was depressed over this). Decided we had to have a chat (had one after school in which it broke down into an argument, got told by the teachers (we were caught) that it was best not to contact each other on facebook. Was forced to block her on facebook.

A few months went by, I really did not feel too good that things were in limbo, contacted her via school email to be at the very least be on talking terms to each other. No replies and was subsequently reported to a member of staff for inappropriate emails (asking someone to be friends again is not something I would define as inappropriate).

She's graduating in a few months. She still has me blocked on fb and tries to ignore me at school (though this has diminished). One wonders why she keeps looking at me for long periods of time from time to time. Talked to her friends, utterly same reasoning as what my schoolmate told me during our argument (I never liked you). This left me utterly confused and quite possibly depressed (I may be right now).

Was I "played" as some of you would call it?. Is it normal for a girl to actively flirt on their own accord with someone they actually not like?. Maybe I was too hard and serious in approaching her and she got alittle scared/put-off. And now she keeps on talking about one of my friends (rather close) and about how good he is right within my earshot. I need a neutral perspective on this! Maybe it is one of those life lessons I have to learn. I still have feelings for her but I feel so bitter she is treating me in such a manner. I don't really know she gets how hurt I felt. What hurts more is that she could have been a great friend (we share quite a number of common interests).

p.s. I definitely need a new username.....

Most women dont jump from 1 relationship to the next in such a short amount of time. You made tons of mistakes in pressing her to date you (why the hell would you want her to if she was messing with you while she had a BF anyway? bad idea) She was probably just having fun and you kept making it way too serious, youre listed as a 19 year old which means this was when you were 18... relax dude. youre pretty young to be dating seriously anyway. Just have fun. Let them come to you.

Youre saying some pretty nutty shit though too...

from what it looks like on the outside, she turned you down repeatedly, until you got mad and angry with her, then she blocked you, now you are talking about doorslamming her? She kind of alreayd doorslammed you, just move on and forget her. If she tries to come back around when you stop pursuing, thats when you doorslam her out of your life, because she will just be playing head games.

You didnt get played, you just overplayed your hand, you tried to cash in a million bucks with a 10 dollar ticket... live and learn dude.

 

[Billy]

She very well could be a flirt, I'll ask her friends m133:, should have noticed). . I might end up at the same university at the same course as her.... (this is worrying...)

Dude... no... stop... just stop dont talk to her friends you sound INSANE right now... now youre going to get into the same classes in the same school as her too? You have stalker written all over you and you cant even see it! Stop!

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

You can only get played if you allow yourself to get played. If you show your weakness than chances are you are getting played. You are only 19, so I don't blame you. The one thing that all women hate is a man who is vulnerable. Sure she might be your friend if you are vulnerable around her. But she will never like you as a boyfriend or fuck buddy. It's just the truth. You should let it go. Try to learn from it. Chances are you will fuck up again and fall in love with a girl who you shouldn't fall in love with. But you have to live and learn.

Here's my advise. Hold all your emotions in until they explode. Be a man for Christ sake.

 

[bionic]

Let it go. Move on. It's not worth your time. Go find another pussy and get over it.

 

[the]

I read the other thread too. She sounds like a bitch. Ignore her. Be prepared that if you ignore her she might want to flirt with you even more but keep in mind that you cant turn a ho into a housewife.

 

[latte]

You can only get played if you allow yourself to get played. If you show your weakness than chances are you are getting played. You are only 19, so I don't blame you. The one thing that all women hate is a man who is vulnerable. Sure she might be your friend if you are vulnerable around her. But she will never like you as a boyfriend or fuck buddy. It's just the truth. You should let it go. Try to learn from it. Chances are you will fuck up again and fall in love with a girl who you shouldn't fall in love with. But you have to live and learn.

Here's my advise. Hold all your emotions in until they explode. Be a man for Christ sake.

First off, you don't want a relationship with someone who is attracted specifically to bottling-it-up syndrome (trust me ,_,). Secondly and related to the first part, that's a sure way to limit the potential of any relationship and/or ruin it entirely. Bottling up also causes you to be a bitter and stressful person.

What is weakness is being ashamed about your emotions and trying to ignore them rather than working with them and/or changing them.

Contrary to popular belief in some circles, plenty of women like emotionally expressive men (read expressive, not emotionally unreasonable ). The smarter and more "mature" the woman, the more likely they are to appreciate this kind of honesty and openness.

In this case, the problem of eventually becoming extremely frustrated, being stressed and feeling unable to let go of this could have been avoided by talking with her about how you felt much sooner, and that you didn't quite understand her behavior and wanted her to explain it. You would have gained understanding from that, and she would have gained understanding about you too. While it wouldn't necessarily have lead to a romantic relationship taking root, it would have made getting over her not wanting one easier. It is difficult to process events one does not understand.

If anything, your inner predicaments came from being too afraid of properly expressing yourself emotionally, not the other way around.
If you really need to find out how someone else feels, you can always cut the bullshit ways societies has deemed normative for gradually reaching closeness, and have an honest chat to understand the behavior of the other person that perplexes you.


If you like someone a lot and they don't feel the same way, it's not the end of the world if people find out. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

First off, you don't want a relationship with someone who is attracted specifically to bottling-it-up syndrome (trust me ,_,). Secondly and related to the first part, that's a sure way to limit the potential of any relationship and/or ruin it entirely. Bottling up also causes you to be a bitter and stressful person.

What is weakness is being ashamed about your emotions and trying to ignore them rather than working with them and/or changing them.

Contrary to popular belief in some circles, plenty of women like emotionally expressive men (read expressive, not emotionally unreasonable ). The smarter and more "mature" the woman, the more likely they are to appreciate this kind of honesty and openness.

In this case, the problem of eventually becoming extremely frustrated, being stressed and feeling unable to let go of this could have been avoided by talking with her about how you felt much sooner, and that you didn't quite understand her behavior and wanted her to explain it. You would have gained understanding from that, and she would have gained understanding about you too. While it wouldn't necessarily have lead to a romantic relationship taking root, it would have made getting over her not wanting one easier. It is difficult to process events one does not understand.

If anything, your inner predicaments came from being too afraid of properly expressing yourself emotionally, not the other way around.
If you really need to find out how someone else feels, you can always cut the bullshit ways societies has deemed normative for gradually reaching closeness, and have an honest chat to understand the behavior of the other person that perplexes you.


If you like someone a lot and they don't feel the same way, it's not the end of the world if people find out. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Don't listen to mocha. She is an evil ENTP and she is trying to deceive you just like your flirtatious lady friend. Never let a woman see your weakness. Trust me on this.

 

[Teddy Ted]

Dude... no... stop... just stop dont talk to her friends you sound INSANE right now... now youre going to get into the same classes in the same school as her too? You have stalker written all over you and you cant even see it! Stop!

Well the university that is offering the course that we both are interested (this was before I met her) in is rather limited.... Maybe I am starting to.... yikes

 

[Teddy Ted]

You can only get played if you allow yourself to get played. If you show your weakness than chances are you are getting played. You are only 19, so I don't blame you. The one thing that all women hate is a man who is vulnerable. Sure she might be your friend if you are vulnerable around her. But she will never like you as a boyfriend or fuck buddy. It's just the truth. You should let it go. Try to learn from it. Chances are you will fuck up again and fall in love with a girl who you shouldn't fall in love with. But you have to live and learn.

Here's my advise. Hold all your emotions in until they explode. Be a man for Christ sake.

Your right I guess. I also did flirt with her at the start knowing that nothing might come out of it (she had a Bf then). I guess I got attached too much afterwards and the fun got out of hand when one person within such a dynamics got emotionally attached (that person being me).