Want a girlfriend, can't be bothered to find one

What would happen if you could have a girlfriend as of today? Maybe you are bothered that having one would change your day to day routine too much and that you couldn't handle it right now? It seems that you have made yourself nice routine, safe space within your friends, and your self time, and maybe you are not ready to get out of the safety zone just yet?

 

I'm right there with ya. Solitude is nice but it gets lonely.

:violin:

 

To OP,

Solution - ENTP/ENFP female.

Information on ENTP's - http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTP.html

Imformation on ENFP's - http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html

http://www.enfpforum.com/ - They even have a dating system.

Personality Cafe would also be the other place to look at.

 

Also you answered yourself "can't be bothered". Reality is that you do have to bother to be with someone, girl or a guy.

 

Maybe you're waiting for them to come to you? Just a thought. If it's something you want, and not being bothered is preventing you, then maybe the change you need to make is in your thinking. Also, maybe you could think of it as 'starting a conversation', rather than 'making a move'. It puts a lot less pressure on you. A pleasant conversation may then lead to you feeling inclined to, say, asking for a phone number, to continue chatting another time. Good luck anyway. You seem like a nice chap.

 

Tv shows and online gambling, oh I know this, but this type of activity is not something you should necessarily drop, maybe your future girl likes this activities. I know I spent too much time playing Texas hold' em and watching Tv shows with my boyfriend for like six months in a row after graduation, I think I watched everything worth watching (but this is just too off topic ). You should just make some more room next to you, figuratively. Don't think about finding a girl like you are going to lose something, you could actually gain something, a lot in fact.

 

no need to be shallow with strangers and deep with your friends

just be comfortable sharing your self with others

make that stranger your friend

 

Ok, now I'm officially hogging your thread, but I must respond.

Yep chatting with a stranger never matches deep conversations with close friends, but how did you came to know your friends, they were strangers some time ago, right? And what if she makes a move during this casual conversation? You over think this, it could be a lot simpler to just let go, and have some fun, although this sounds too hard for an INFJ, I know.

How did you meet previous girlfriend, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I bet he makes a smashing cuppa too

 

It kind of sounds like you're grappling with some sort of cognitive dissonance between wanting a girlfriend and not wanting a girlfriend. Maybe you secretly don't want just any girlfriend; you're looking for the "right" one, so you're setting your standards too high and you don't expect to meet her at a club or any social outing. It needs to be magical, romantic-comedy worthy meeting.

Or perhaps you still have unfinished business with your girlfriend of four years. That must've been a pretty significant relationship. Maybe you still harbor feelings for her or aren't quite ready to move on yet for whatever reason. Or maybe you don't want to go through the (potentially) inevitable break up again because the one you went through with your last girlfriend was less than amicable.

I don't know, I'm just pulling these ideas out of thin air. Whatever the actual issue is, it sounds like a conflicting set of beliefs.

 

Hmm. I hope you're not gauging your okayness with you no longer being together based on your reaction to meeting her new boyfriend and not having any lingering feelings then and there. There still is the possibility that, if you were hurt badly enough, you may built up some psychological defenses that you are not aware of---like, suppressed emotions and all that jazz.

Or maybe things really are just as fine as you're presenting them. I don't know the situation. In either case, it's still worth considering.

HIMYM + Scrubs = <3

And you're right, they are teeth rotteningly idealistic in their search for their ideal lover... but don't get too hung up on my suggestions. The romantic ideal may be a potential issue, but there might be something beneath the surface of that or, it might be something else completely.

I think the first place to start is to try and identify what those conflicting beliefs are as objectively as you can without hunting for clues to fit into possible theories. Can you recall what sort of excuses you give yourself about not approaching a girl? Say you do see that hot chick across the room and she's making eyes at you... what negative assumptions do you make about her? What thoughts discourage you from walking over to ask for her number? In addition, mentally go through a scenario where you and a girl are deciding to take your relationship to the next level as boyfriend and girlfriend. What are you knee-jerk reactions?

Write those thoughts down (it's always clearer when it is right in front of you on paper or on screen) without making any pre-judgments on what the problem might be and then come back to it after a bit of time has passed. Do you notice any patterns in the thinking? The issue may be easy to spot. Or the evidence need some careful consideration. In either case, a good dose of brutal self-honesty is key.

I think once you're aware of what those conflicting beliefs are, you'll at least be better equipped to change them. How you do go about changing them, however, depends on the belief and how well you can apply yourself to challenge it.

 

hey PastaKing welcome to the forums!

I'm on the same evolutionary dead end as you . Somewhere on the path to a new relationship I push it all away. And I don't know why, am I scared to be that intimite with someone, is he not the right guy, doesn't I want to give up my life the way it is, is it the pressure of having to change myself or are it the expectations of the other that scares me off??

I'm asking myself so I have no good advise for you.
In the meantime I'm reading along

:ranger: