Want a girlfriend, can't be bothered to find one

PastaKing

PastaKing

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
Hi,

I'm new here, but I have been reading around for some time.

I think I have a problem. I want a girlfriend, but I really can't be bothered to go out and find one. This is a ridiculous paradox.

Some background information.
  • I have a good set of friends collected around me. The close/deep INFJ friendship thing.
  • I have balanced my me-time and social time quite well.
  • I meditate once or twice a day.
  • I am a Masters student.
  • Parent's are well of.
  • I am in good shape, I run twice or three times a week.
  • I recently finished a four month internship. Here I realised I am not as shy as I used to be. I can be quite the socialite, it justs eats up a lot of energy.
  • I did have a girlfriend for four years, we broke up about two years ago. (so no, I am no internet geek shut in :))
  • All and all, I'm quite fulfilled.

But I really miss the deeper connection you can have in a relationship. Oh, also the sex thing. Seems to be inseperable in my male mind.

But here is the kicker. When we are going out, I spot a nice girl, think of a way to start a conversation (no, I do not think of a pick up line), but then I continue the conversation with my friends.
I simply do not make a move, ever.

This does not piss me off anymore, buddhist remember ;), but at the moment I am slightly confused with myself. What the What!? Why don't I make a move? In have actually devoured many books on the pick up subject. But these mainly stem from my interest in social dynamics and a sort of zoological study of the human species (naked ape). So Billy's ten tips were wasted on me. I know how to do it just fine.

A friend of mine asked me the other day, how are you doing with the ladies. I answered "I'm not"
He asked me why, I did not have an answer.

I would like this answer. I want to know why I am cockblocking myself. I am hoping your objective perspectives can help me steer me in the right course.

* I am not gay. I considered this, but came to the conclusion I can not fall in love with a man.
 
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What would happen if you could have a girlfriend as of today? Maybe you are bothered that having one would change your day to day routine too much and that you couldn't handle it right now? It seems that you have made yourself nice routine, safe space within your friends, and your self time, and maybe you are not ready to get out of the safety zone just yet?
 
Also you answered yourself "can't be bothered". Reality is that you do have to bother to be with someone, girl or a guy.
 
Maybe you're waiting for them to come to you? Just a thought. If it's something you want, and not being bothered is preventing you, then maybe the change you need to make is in your thinking. Also, maybe you could think of it as 'starting a conversation', rather than 'making a move'. It puts a lot less pressure on you. A pleasant conversation may then lead to you feeling inclined to, say, asking for a phone number, to continue chatting another time. Good luck anyway. You seem like a nice chap. :)
 
Siamese cat said:
What would happen if you could have a girlfriend as of today? Maybe you are bothered that having one would change your day to day routine too much and that you couldn't handle it right now? It seems that you have made yourself nice routine, safe space within your friends, and your self time, and maybe you are not ready to get out of the safety zone just yet?
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Interesting thought. I always imagine it this way: I will drop a certain type of gap filling activity. Mostly gaming online and deleting some series from my viewing schedule (I watch a lot of them :))
Then again, I am really comfortable at the moment. Getting out of my comfort zone is a problem for me. I shall think on it some more :)

@ hotkebab, I will look into the sites. Thanks!
 
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Helpful Elf said:
Maybe you're waiting for them to come to you? Just a thought. If it's something you want, and not being bothered is preventing you, then maybe the change you need to make is in your thinking. Also, maybe you could think of it as 'starting a conversation', rather than 'making a move'. It puts a lot less pressure on you. A pleasant conversation may then lead to you feeling inclined to, say, asking for a phone number, to continue chatting another time. Good luck anyway. You seem like a nice chap. :)
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Well, I know they won't come to me. It's not how it works :)

I am aware it is the way of thinking that needs changing. But that's just it. I feel like I am banging an invisible wall. I have changed many of my previous outlooks on life with great succes. This one however, eludes me.

About the pleasant conversation. You strike an interesting point there. The most interesting conversations out there are deep conversations with close friends. Just chatting with a stranger can, according to me, never match this. If I will not make a move, then the conversation will be, ridiculously rationally speaking, a waste of time. Friend > stranger :)

How do you other INFJ's feel about that?
 
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PastaKing said:
Interesting thought. I always imagine it this way: I will drop a certain type of gap filling activity. Mostly gaming online and deleting some series from my viewing schedule (I watch a lot of them :))
Then again, I am really comfortable at the moment. Getting out of my comfort zone is a problem for me. I shall think on it some more :)

@ hotkebab, I will look into the sites. Thanks!
Click to expand...

Tv shows and online gambling, oh I know this, but this type of activity is not something you should necessarily drop, maybe your future girl likes this activities. I know I spent too much time playing Texas hold' em and watching Tv shows with my boyfriend for like six months in a row after graduation, I think I watched everything worth watching (but this is just too off topic :) ). You should just make some more room next to you, figuratively. Don't think about finding a girl like you are going to lose something, you could actually gain something, a lot in fact.
 
no need to be shallow with strangers and deep with your friends

just be comfortable sharing your self with others

make that stranger your friend
 
PastaKing said:
Well, I know they won't come to me. It's not how it works :)

I am aware it is the way of thinking that needs changing. But that's just it. I feel like I am banging an invisible wall. I have changed many of my previous outlooks on life with great succes. This one however, eludes me.

About the pleasant conversation. You strike an interesting point there. The most interesting conversations out there are deep conversations with close friends. Just chatting with a stranger can, according to me, never match this. If I will not make a move, then the conversation will be, ridiculously rationally speaking, a waste of time. Friend > stranger :)

How do you other INFJ's feel about that?
Click to expand...

Ok, now I'm officially hogging your thread, but I must respond. :P

Yep chatting with a stranger never matches deep conversations with close friends, but how did you came to know your friends, they were strangers some time ago, right? And what if she makes a move during this casual conversation? You over think this, it could be a lot simpler to just let go, and have some fun, although this sounds too hard for an INFJ, I know.

How did you meet previous girlfriend, if you don't mind me asking?
 
It kind of sounds like you're grappling with some sort of cognitive dissonance between wanting a girlfriend and not wanting a girlfriend. Maybe you secretly don't want just any girlfriend; you're looking for the "right" one, so you're setting your standards too high and you don't expect to meet her at a club or any social outing. It needs to be magical, romantic-comedy worthy meeting.

Or perhaps you still have unfinished business with your girlfriend of four years. That must've been a pretty significant relationship. Maybe you still harbor feelings for her or aren't quite ready to move on yet for whatever reason. Or maybe you don't want to go through the (potentially) inevitable break up again because the one you went through with your last girlfriend was less than amicable.

I don't know, I'm just pulling these ideas out of thin air. Whatever the actual issue is, it sounds like a conflicting set of beliefs.
 
Siamese cat said:
Ok, now I'm officially hogging your thread, but I must respond. :P

Yep chatting with a stranger never matches deep conversations with close friends, but how did you came to know your friends, they were strangers some time ago, right? And what if she makes a move during this casual conversation? You over think this, it could be a lot simpler to just let go, and have some fun, although this sounds too hard for an INFJ, I know.

How did you meet previous girlfriend, if you don't mind me asking?
Click to expand...

Hehe, threadhogger ;)

To make friends I need time and space to maneuver. I have conversations and then if there is a general pattern in these conversions and a click, I make a friend. I cannot do this in one conversation. Remember, infJudging ;) I stick people in a box, quite often the wrong box.

The other night a girl made a move by chatting me up on our field of studies. Haha, she reminded me of how little I care about current events. Anyway, as soon as I recognized it was in fact a move, I choked. I searched my brain so hard for the next thing to say, it didn't come up and I grabbed the first opportunity to leave the conversation.
On the difference between choking and panic, Malcolm Gladwell wrote a great piece. It can be found in what the dog saw.

Letting go is something I train in meditation. It's real hard ;) but the extention into every day life may be even more difficult. I cannot, not care about what people think of me. A good trait to a certain extent. A bad to another.

I met my previous girlfriend in a bar. It was real easy, she scored a 100 on extroversy :). She introduced herself to me, after a long conversation I asked her number. Only because one of her best friends encouraged me to call her the day after, and another friend sort of guided the first date did we actually role in to a relation. Also I was positively shitfaced that first night. It helped ;)

@ Krumplenump: what's a cuppa? If it's coffee, hells yeah :D (french press + ethiopian mocha limu)
If it's tea, Twinings green lavender :)
 
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TheDaringHatTrick said:
It kind of sounds like you're grappling with some sort of cognitive dissonance between wanting a girlfriend and not wanting a girlfriend. Maybe you secretly don't want just any girlfriend; you're looking for the "right" one, so you're setting your standards too high and you don't expect to meet her at a club or any social outing. It needs to be magical, romantic-comedy worthy meeting.

Or perhaps you still have unfinished business with your girlfriend of four years. That must've been a pretty significant relationship. Maybe you still harbor feelings for her or aren't quite ready to move on yet for whatever reason. Or maybe you don't want to go through the (potentially) inevitable break up again because the one you went through with your last girlfriend was less than amicable.

I don't know, I'm just pulling these ideas out of thin air. Whatever the actual issue is, it sounds like a conflicting set of beliefs.
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Interesting theory.
About the break up: it hurt like hell, worst day of my life. But, we are great friends now. We see each other regularly, once every two months or so. I met her current boyfriend, great guy. I figured if there was some lingering feelings, they would come up at that moment. Nothing happened. I reckon I'm good on that one.

About the dissonance, I guess it makes sence. Someone who desperately wants a girlfriend will find one somewhere (these females are everywhere, sometimes it's like they make half the world's population, crazyness! :D)

The romantic ideal type rings a bell. How I met your mother and Scrubs are some of my favourite shows, and the other night I cried at fifty first dates, three times. ( I was exhausted already)

But then, how do I get rid of this ideal. Or, do I even want to? And if I don't, Am I an evolutionary dead end? (I exagerate for dramatic effect)
 
PastaKing said:
Interesting theory.
About the break up: it hurt like hell, worst day of my life. But, we are great friends now. We see each other regularly, once every two months or so. I met her current boyfriend, great guy. I figured if there was some lingering feelings, they would come up at that moment. Nothing happened. I reckon I'm good on that one.
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Hmm. I hope you're not gauging your okayness with you no longer being together based on your reaction to meeting her new boyfriend and not having any lingering feelings then and there. There still is the possibility that, if you were hurt badly enough, you may built up some psychological defenses that you are not aware of---like, suppressed emotions and all that jazz.

Or maybe things really are just as fine as you're presenting them. I don't know the situation. In either case, it's still worth considering.

About the dissonance, I guess it makes sence. Someone who desperately wants a girlfriend will find one somewhere (these females are everywhere, sometimes it's like they make half the world's population, crazyness! :D)

The romantic ideal type rings a bell. How I met your mother and Scrubs are some of my favourite shows, and the other night I cried at fifty first dates, three times. ( I was exhausted already)

But then, how do I get rid of this ideal. Or, do I even want to? And if I don't, Am I an evolutionary dead end? (I exagerate for dramatic effect)
Click to expand...

HIMYM + Scrubs = <3

And you're right, they are teeth rotteningly idealistic in their search for their ideal lover... but don't get too hung up on my suggestions. The romantic ideal may be a potential issue, but there might be something beneath the surface of that or, it might be something else completely.

I think the first place to start is to try and identify what those conflicting beliefs are as objectively as you can without hunting for clues to fit into possible theories. Can you recall what sort of excuses you give yourself about not approaching a girl? Say you do see that hot chick across the room and she's making eyes at you... what negative assumptions do you make about her? What thoughts discourage you from walking over to ask for her number? In addition, mentally go through a scenario where you and a girl are deciding to take your relationship to the next level as boyfriend and girlfriend. What are you knee-jerk reactions?

Write those thoughts down (it's always clearer when it is right in front of you on paper or on screen) without making any pre-judgments on what the problem might be and then come back to it after a bit of time has passed. Do you notice any patterns in the thinking? The issue may be easy to spot. Or the evidence need some careful consideration. In either case, a good dose of brutal self-honesty is key.

I think once you're aware of what those conflicting beliefs are, you'll at least be better equipped to change them. How you do go about changing them, however, depends on the belief and how well you can apply yourself to challenge it.
 
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PastaKing said:
But then, how do I get rid of this ideal. Or, do I even want to? And if I don't, Am I an evolutionary dead end? (I exagerate for dramatic effect)
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hey PastaKing welcome to the forums!

I'm on the same evolutionary dead end as you :D. Somewhere on the path to a new relationship I push it all away. And I don't know why, am I scared to be that intimite with someone, is he not the right guy, doesn't I want to give up my life the way it is, is it the pressure of having to change myself or are it the expectations of the other that scares me off??

I'm asking myself so I have no good advise for you.
In the meantime I'm reading along

:ranger:
 
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